Authors note: What if Hephaistion didn't want Alexander when Alexander wanted him? Here's my perspective.

Hephaistion fought his way through the counsel and through the guards to get into Alexander's tent. For many nights he had crept around the back of it, trying to slip in unnoticed. All times he had failed and was sent away. When he finally made it, his fear and worry showed so clearly over his face and through his body, he looked almost as sick as Alexander. His heart would soon cave in he thought, if Alexander didn't make it through this. What would he do without his Alexander? He didn't know.

Hephaistion came close to seeing him many nights, and spoke to Alexander though the closed white curtains. Alexander told Hephaistion he didn't want to speak, and that he was too sick to speak to anyone. Hephaistion one night, ignored this request, and brushed the curtains aside, glancing down at Alexander who was being dressed by Bagoas, he sighed deeply.

"Gods, Alexander" Hephaistion began, irritated by the presence of Bagoas who moved to the other side of the room, as Alexander looked up at Hephaistion, his sick pale complexion drew focus in on his eyes, which were stained with red streaks of blood.

"What is it now, Hephaistion?" Alexander said hazily, taking the glass of water in his hand, raising it to his lips slowly.

"I worry so" Hephaistion admitted, kneeling down towards Alexander.

"…. There is no need for it" Alexander told him, pointing at Bagoas, " He is taking care of me just fine"

There was an awkward silence as Hephaistion looked at Bagoas. He wore bruises, Hephaistion could tell, as Bagoas looked directly at him, then away again.

" Please, leave" Alexander told him, " I don't want to talk anymore…"

"But you must" Hephaistion said, " You must speak to these men …"

"They care none for me" Alexander bickered, " They only care about going home"

"Are you going home, Alexander?" Hephaistion asked him, " What is your plan of action, now?"

Alexander's jaw dropped slightly,

"Are you questioning me, Hephaistion?" Alexander asked him, as if Hephaistion had done the worst thing in the world by doing so.

"I want to know…. I need an answer" Hephaistion said lowly, still looking at Bagoas.

"Moments away from our final destination and you want me to go back?" Alexander mumbled, " I thought you were for this expedition?"

"Do not doubt me, Alexander" Hephaistion took hold of Alexander's hand, " I am but here for you"

"Then you would think twice before you spoke again of this trip" Alexander snapped, pulling away his hands from Hephaistion, as Hephaistion recoiled.

"You can leave now Bagoas" Alexander told him, and Bagoas nodded silently exiting the tent.

"You… prefer his company to mine, is that it?" Hephaistion asked softly,

"What, jealous Hephaistion?" Alexander asked him, raising his eyebrow slightly.

" I care for you greatly" was all Hephaistion could manage, not wanting to look Alexander in the eye.

"Come here" Alexander spoke softly, " come to me"

Hephaistion waited for a moment, looking at Alexander who looked like the living dead.

"… I can't" Hephaistion began, but without word or hesitation, Alexander lunged at Hephaistion, pinning him back.

"Alex…" Hephaistion said breathlessly, as Alexander tucked his long, garish hair behind his ears,

"Phai" Alexander looked down on him, his dark eyes staring bleakly at Hephaistion's face.

"Do you want me Hephaistion?" Alexander asked, leaning in close to Hephaistion's lips, resting his chin on Hephaistion's chest. Hephaistion felt as if Alexander's eyes could burn a hole straight through him.

"I…" Hephaistion began, as Alexander lowered himself down on Hephaistion, his pelvis pelvis brushing up tightly against Hephaistion's, Hephaistion tried to keep calm and rational, but failed miserably.

"I…" Hephaistion said again, this time choking a little as he spoke, Alexander drew kisses up Hephaistion's throat.

"If you want me kiss me" Alexander told him, " If you want me…"

Hephaistion paused for a second, those deep eyes of Alexander's were so lost and out of control, he closed his suddenly, as Alexander straddled him.

"If you want me…" Alexander said more anxiously, "Then kiss me… its' all I ask"

"sweet Aphrodite" Hephaistion muttered, keeping his eyes closed tightly.

"is that a yes?" Alexander asked, leaning closer so that his mouth was touching Hephaistion's cheek,

"….. no" Hephaistion uttered, Alexander almost falling off Hephaistion as he said it.

"What was that?" Alexander asked, offended.

"… no, Alexander" Hephaistion couldn't believe it either. He opened his eyes and found Alexander staring despairingly back into his own.

"…. Sweet mother of" Alexander couldn't finish his sentence; he felt his heart leave his chest and float up towards his head.

"I can't… not like this" Hephaistion told him, "I can't… know that in an instant it can all change again"

"…. How would you?" Alexander asked him, mumbling. " How would you Hephaistion?"

"We've been down this road before…" Hephaistion said with tears and restraint in his voice,

"You said you… wanted me" Alexander looked pleadingly into Hephaistion's eyes, his own tears welling up.

"Oh Gods…" Hephaistion looked away, " Of course I wanted you… Alexander but to take you like this when you are sick? What kind of man would I be if I cannot wait to let you be yourself again?"

"This is myself" Alexander said angrily, " this is all I've ever been"

"You're wrong, Alexander" Hephaistion corrected him, " You haven't … seen yourself through my eyes"

"Then tell me, Hephaistion" Alexander said bitterly, " What do you see?"

Hephaistion's eyes ran up and down Alexander's body, thinking about it for a moment. He pursed his lips together and sighed,

"…. I see you Alexander, I see so much of you back in those eyes" Hephaistion whispered, " but I want all of it, I want all of it to know that it is real"

Alexander started to cry as Hephaistion outstretched his hand to his arm,

"My Alexander…" Hephaistion offered, but Alexander hit him so quickly he barely recalled it. He sat with a stinging cheek, as Alexander rolled off him, and with a painful gut wrenching cry he threw himself into his pillows, choking on his sobs.

" you don't want me…" Alexander said again and again, " you don't love me anymore"

"Of course I love you…" Hephaistion whispered, " I love you still so much…"

"… you don't want me, you don't love me" Alexander kept repeating it. Hephaistion sat still, still feeling the burning sensation on his face.

"Get out!" Alexander yelled at him, " Get out now!"

"No, Alexander…. You don't want me to go" Hephaistion told him, " You need to understand…"

"No! Get out!" Alexander screamed loudly, " Get out! Get out you bastard!"

"Alexander, stop it!" Hephaistion tried to say soothingly, but getting angrier he stood up, and walked towards Alexander.

"Leave me! Why didn't you just leave me alone!" Alexander shouted, as Hephaistion lowered himself to Alexander's level,

"I still love you" Hephaistion said tearfully, " but you're not yourself… you're only just starting to be that same …"

"Go away" tears streamed down Alexander's cheeks as he said, "please… go"

"Alexander…" Hephaistion wanted to kiss him so badly but he refrained and pulled back, with a sudden jerk he was turned around by Bagoas, who had him by the arm.

"… you can't make me leave him" Hephaistion snuffed, Bagoas' fingers tightened around his arm as guards came in through the tent.

"I don't want to leave him … he has to understand" Hephaistion implored, but the guards seized him and dragged him away.

"Alexander! Stop them!" Hephaistion shouted, but Alexander glared coldly into his eyes.

"Good…bye" Alexander managed and watched Hephaistion being taken away, the only time in his life he actually wanted it done.