"Ryan. Ryan, wake up," Seth pushed past him into the poolhouse.
Slowly Ryan's good hand snaked from under the covers and folded the blankets down to reveal his face. "Morning, Seth."
"Dad's lying to me."
Sandy stepped in. "Seth, drop it, now."
"No, Dad. What aren't you telling me?" Seth demanded.
Ryan's face hardened. "You're a nosy bitch."
"What?" Seth recoiled.
"You heard me. Why can't you leave things alone, why can't you trust me and just leave it alone?" Ryan snapped.
Seth was pale, even Sandy was stunned by Ryan's harshness.
"I…I'm sorry, Seth…but I'm asking you…please…leave it alone," Ryan whispered, covering his face.
"Okay, Ryan…I'll…I'll leave it alone," Seth said, glancing at his father. They were both worried and surprised b y Ryan's mood.
"I'm going to take a shower and lie down again. Can I have some space?" Ryan asked.
"Come on, Dad. He'll be okay," Seth said, taking his father by the elbow and leading him outside.
"Seth…"
"I'm dropping it. I'm dropping it right now because that Ryan is not a happy Ryan and I don't like that Ryan," Seth said seriously, worried. "I don't care what happened or what you're not telling me but I need to know what we're going to do about the scary angry Ryan that's in there…"
"I'm sorry, Seth, he's going through a rough time."
"There's no call for all that, though. I'll be inside if you need me," Seth said, walking away in a rush.
Sandy didn't know what the hell he was going to do. He hadn't told Kirsten about what happened. He needed her to tell him what to do. He needed some kind of guidance. Seth was upset with him for lying and Ryan was upset with everyone.
He took a deep breath. He was the adult here. He would take charge. He stepped back into the poolhouse. He didn't hear the shower running like he expected and he stepped over near the bathroom door. "Ryan?"
There was no answer.
"Ryan?" He waited thirty more seconds before he tried the door. It was unlocked and he pushed it open a crack. "Ryan, I'm coming in."
Ryan was leaning heavily on the sink with his good hand supporting him. His hair was hanging in his face and he was breathing shallowly.
"Ryan…" Sandy didn't touch him, knowing the Ryan would flinch at the contact and not wanting to upset him further. "Ryan, what is it?"
Finally, Ryan moved, glancing at him. "Dizzy."
"Sit down a minute, you probably got up too fast. I'm going get Rosa to make you something to eat, you probably need to get some sugar in your system, all right?"
Ryan nodded, sitting down on his closed toilet.
"Take some deep breaths," Sandy said, filling a cup with water and holding it out to him.
"I'll explain it to Seth. I shouldn't have snapped on him," Ryan whispered, accepting the cup and draining it quickly.
"Ryan, don't worry about Seth, he's just worried about you."
"Can you get my meds? I still…I want to shower and go back to bed."
Sandy nodded. He didn't know if Ryan should be going back to bed so soon, but the boy was so beaten that he couldn't deny him the rest. "Stay right there, don't get up, okay?" He hurried back into the main room and gathered up the prescriptions that Ryan needed to take now.
Ryan didn't even look up when Sandy returned. He accepted the pills in his hand and swallowed them before accepting the refilled cup from Sandy.
"Its supposed to be easier this time," Ryan said quietly.
"Easier?"
"Since it's happened before…it should be easier for me to deal with…but…I feel like I'm sinking again."
"Sinking?" Sandy whispered, needing him to continue.
"Yeah. Sinking…I don't want to go back there, Sandy…to the dark places…but I can't change the way I feel…" Ryan continued.
"Here's what we'll do, kid, okay? Get your shower, take your time and when you get done, we'll talk. Or not talk, whatever you feel like. But I want you inside, okay? I don't want you pushing us away right now…me and Seth…we're here for you, okay? No sinking…"
"No sinking…" Ryan muttered.
"Okay?"
Ryan nodded. "Shower first." He hesitated but finally got to his feet. Steadier.
"Okay. I'll be outside when you're done."
"Thanks."
Sandy closed the door behind him and stepped out. He took a deep breath. He was going to need help.
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"Sophie Cohen."
"Mom?"
"Sandy? What do I owe this pleasure?" she smiled. She loved hearing from her son.
"How are you, Ma?"
"Doing well, I'm back in New York, I got tired of all the sun, you know I usually only last a couple of weeks in Miami every year..."
"I'm surprised you haven't let go of the condo as little as you use it," he replied.
"We all need a vacation sometimes, you know? What's going on?"
"You know that Caleb died, don't you?"
Sophie gasped. She had gotten a voicemail from him last week but hadn't called him back immediately. "Oh no…when?"
"About five days ago. I…I'm calling about something else, though, Mom. And I need you…I need you to swear that you won't repeat this. Not to Seth, not to Kirsten, not to anyone," he said.
"What is it Sandford?"
"Ryan…it's…I knew he had a rough life, I've got his file, I knew that he had it tough…but…something happened to him, it's a really long story, but…"
"Spit it out, Sandy." She was getting worried. Sandy loved Ryan almost as much as he loved his own son. She hadn't seen what he saw in her first meeting with the quiet boy, but when they'd come to Miami, Ryan had made a point to try and connect with her.
"I know when you worked your cases as a social worker that some of your kids had…they were abused…sexually…"
"Sandy, what are you talking about? Ryan was sexually abused?"
"It's such a mess…" Sandy muttered. "It's all my fault, they arrested him and he hadn't done anything wrong and while he was in there the guards…they…god, I don't want to say they molested him because it was worse than that…they raped him, Ma, they beat him and raped him…and he was so tough, so strong, he…he's worked so hard to get over his past, but this…"
"Sandy…calm down…did you tell the police?" She sat down. This was not what she expected to hear.
"That's not the point, that's all under control, they shut the whole detention center down pending an investigation, the point is…I don't know how to help him…I don't know what to do, it's like, we brought him home and he talked to me, like really told me things, about his past, about his childhood and I thought…I thought that it would help, but today…oh, Ma…I don't have any experience with this…"
She was worried about her son, she'd never heard him like this, not when Kirsten's mother died, not when Seth had mono, never. "Sandy, where are you right now?"
"The kitchen. Ryan's in the shower. I told him that once he was done, I didn't want him locking himself in the poolhouse, that I wanted him inside so he wouldn't be alone…but…I don't even know where to start…"
"Sandy. You can't fix him. You just have to be there for him…where's Kirsten?" she asked.
"She's…god, Ma…"
Sophie took a deep breath and opened up her purse to pull out her calendar. "You're paying for my plane ticket…"
"No, you don't have to come out here, that's not what I was asking…"
"I know, you didn't ask. But Kirsten's not there, is she?"
"No…she…I sent her away…to get some help…its…"
"I'm not coming out there to judge you…but it seems like you need a little help and I don't think you want to go outside the family…"
"Don't, Ma…Ryan would never forgive me if he knew I told you," Sandy whispered.
"He'll never know, Sandford. I promise. But…let me help you."
After a long pause, Sandy sighed. "Just tell me what to do, Ma…"
"You're a good father. You know what to do. I'll be there as soon as I can, okay?"
"Thanks, Ma…"
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Ryan felt like his legs were made of lead. And his eyelids. Shit, his whole body. He was walking in a fog. He recognized the fresh stack of clothes and dressed slowly. It was almost like he was so cold that his limbs were freezing in place. He was stiff with cold.
He was gradually losing his ability to think. The pain, the memories, the guilt, the disgust, the anger.
He could feel his control slipping away. He needed to lie down. Get his bearings.
He stepped out.
"Better?"
Ryan waved his casted hand. "So-so."
"Rosa's got breakfast for you inside…"
"Can I sit down first?"
Sandy nodded, watching him.
Every step was a struggle. He finally sat down on his bed. He was dizzy. Nauseous. And he hurt. Everywhere. "I know you want me to come inside…but I'm really…beat," he admitted.
"You need to eat something."
He shook his head. Not yet. Juice? And…I need to talk to Seth. Might as well diffuse him now before he sics Marissa or Summer on me."
"Ryan…he's not going to take it well…"
Ryan sighed. "He'll take it better coming from me or you than finding it out on his own. Can you get him for me? Because…I just want to lie down. Before I pass out."
"How do you feel, Ryan? Are the painkillers working? Should I call a doctor?"
"No," Ryan waved him off. "But I might take another vicoden if you gave it to me."
Sandy walked over and studied the bottle. "If you eat something, I'll give you another one. Deal?"
"I'll try. But get Seth. I need to get this done. Did you tell Kirsten?"
"No. But I'm going to tell her about your arrest and everything because she needs to know."
"Okay."
"I'll be right back with juice and something to put on your stomach. Sit tight."
Ryan relaxed once he heard the door close. He leaned back and slid his feet under the covers.
It wasn't as cold under the covers.
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Seth glanced up from his toast when his dad walked in. "Hey."
"He wants to talk to you. Explain…what we're lying to you about. I just hope you don't regret asking him," Sandy stated.
Seth was surprised. "But he was just…"
"It's not for public consumption. And I can promise you that if you break his confidence, if you tell anyone…he'll never forgive you. And I don't know if I will either. Understand?"
Seth nodded, sensing the gravity of his father's words.
"And I have to tell you something, too. I…I called my mother. She's flying in to…to help."
"The Nana? You called the Nana? Dad, you know I love the Nana but if she starts in about Mom…"
"I won't let her. I hope that she's coming to help, not to judge…"
Seth shook his head. It was like the whole world was going crazy.
"I just…I need my mother right now, too. I need you, son…we're going to have to stick together to get through this, all right?"
He nodded. He would trust his father. Seemed like it really was getting down to him and his dad. "Ryan likes the Nana. But…"
"Let's go talk to him before he goes back to sleep."
He felt better when his dad put his arm around him. "It's bad, isn't it."
"Yes. It's very bad. But the thing to remember is that he's safe with us now and he's strong and he's going to get through this. He's still the same kid, before and after. All right?"
Seth had no idea what was coming.
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Ryan woke up as soon as the door opened, startled.
"Sorry. Fall asleep?" Sandy asked.
"A little," he answered, sitting up fully and nodding to Seth.
"Hey."
"Sorry about the rage blackout. Sit down."
Seth glanced at Sandy who stayed by the door.
"He can stay if you want him to. He knows about it. Hopefully he won't freak out all over again," Ryan said.
Seth nodded and Sandy closed the door and walked over to sit on the edge of the bed while Seth took a seat.
"Ryan, if you don't want to tell me…"
"But you're never going to let it go if I don't tell you," he sighed, putting a hand over his face. "So, we'll start with the meds and work backwards, all right?"
"Okay," Seth said hesitantly.
"I'm taking these HIV prevention drugs, it's a cocktail they give you if you've been exposed to HIV, it works sometimes to stop HIV in people that have been exposed."
Seth was glancing between him and his dad, his brown eyes dark with confusion. "When were you exposed?"
Ryan tried to think of the simplest, most painless way to explain it. "You ever watch that show, Oz?"
Seth's face tightened. "You better say somebody stuck you with a needle…"
"No."
Seth opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.
"It's over now, and the fuckers are going to pay but that's why I'm so jumpy and that's why I didn't want you nosing around, it's private shit, personal shit…you understand?"
Seth nodded slowly. "Are you…are you okay? Like…"
"I'll be all right, Seth. But…when I say it's personal…" Ryan felt like he needed to drive home how important it was to him to keep his assault a secret.
"I get it. God…I get it, Ryan…anything you need…just tell me what you need…" Seth said, his face not laced with pity like he expected. More like fear. Or understanding.
Ryan sighed. "I need to sleep. Or something. I'm really useless today," he said, turning to Sandy.
"Dude. Thanks for telling me. And I'll never bring it up again if that's how you want it," Seth said, standing up shakily.
"Thanks, Seth."
Sandy moved the plate of food in front of Ryan. "Eat something."
Ryan picked up a slice of toast and waved the rest away. "Light." Seth held out a bottle of juice before realizing that Ryan couldn't open it with his broken bones. He pulled off the top.
"Four hours, Ryan and I'm going to wake you for more pills, okay?"
"Fine. Thanks. I'm just…too tired to really have anything else to say right now," Ryan sighed honestly. He needed to sleep. He needed to rest.
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As soon as Ryan's breathing evened out, Seth bolted for the door. Sandy followed him, instantly concerned.
Seth had hunched over one of the azalea bushes heaving up his breakfast.
"Seth?" Sandy hurried over and rubbed his son's back, trying to help him stop.
"Sorry…okay now…" Seth panted finally, leaning back.
"You okay?"
"God, Dad…how the hell did that happen to him? Who did it? Was it one of those punk juvie kids? Because…can't we have them killed or something? There has to be something…something that we can do…" Seth ran out of words as his father hugged him.
"Seth…"
"It makes me sick, Dad…he's my best friend…he's never done anything to deserve…to deserve what's happened to him…it's not fair…"
Sandy held his son as Seth started to cry. "I know, Seth…I know." God, he needed his wife right now.
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Sophie knocked on the front door as the taxi dropped her off. She'd slept on the plane and now she was wired. She felt healthier than she'd ever been before the cancer. She felt like she'd been given a second chance and she wasn't about to blow it. She walked every morning, ate healthy and took her medication like instructed. Apart from her little coffee problem, which was possibly the true source of her energy, she had too much energy to wait ouside, she wanted to get inside the house.
She tried the knob finally. Of course it would be unlocked, Sandford had no concern for safety in his little mansion.
"Hello! Sandy? Sethela? Anybody?" she called. She put her bags in the guest room and went in search of her family.
Ryan lived in the poolhouse, she remembered that. She stopped in the kitchen long enough to pour herself a cup of coffee and walked out into the California sun toward the small building.
Sandy and Seth were unshaven and dozing in the two seats at the end of the bed. The room was a mess, discarded take out containers, magazines, books and electronics were strewn across the room. She could barely make out Ryan's blond mop from beneath the dark sheets.
She cleared her throat and both her son and grandson snapped awake.
"Nana," Seth smiled, standing up and embracing her warmly.
She smoothed his rowdy curls with her hands. "Sethela, still growing, getting more handsome every time I see you. But you need to shave and get a shower, okay? The Nana is here to help and you look like you need to sleep in a real bed." She turned her attention to Sandy, pulling him into a hug.
"Thanks, Ma…" he whispered.
"Go get some rest. I'm going to clean up in here and give the kid a once-over. We can talk in a few hours, once you get some sense back in those eyes," she said. She could tell that he was barely staying awake.
"He's been asleep awhile. He'll need his meds in about thirty minutes and he'll probably want to take a shower…"
"He takes a lot of showers," Seth murmured with a yawn. "Call me if you need me, I'm going to take advantage and lie down horizontally."
Sandy waited until Seth was gone to speak again. "He knows you're coming, but…he's not really comfortable with touching or hugging or anything, he needs his space. If you can get him to eat…god, I'll give you cash on the spot, but we've managed to keep him hydrated…the drugs make him nauseous I think…"
"Sandy. Go get some rest. I've got this. I'll call you if I need you, just like Seth. Go."
Sophie watched him walk away, hesitant to leave, but finally accepting that he wasn't any good in his exhausted state. She wanted to know about Kirsten, but she knew it wasn't the time.
She opened the blinds on all the windows, illuminating the room with light. She even opened one of the doors so the fresh air could hopefully blow out some of the staleness. She glanced at Ryan but he hadn't stirred.
It took her about a half an hour to clean up the poolhouse, filling two bags with garbage and two laundry baskets.
She sat down in the chair her son had vacated and took a moment to examine the prescription bottles that were gathered in a shoebox. There was a small printed list with the time and the name of pill that Ryan would need every day. She checked the watch on the wall and gathered the pills in a small pile on the table beside Ryan's bed before leaning over and carefully folding the blanket down.
She was startled by his bruised face and from what she could see of his chest, the rest of his body was just as brutalized. "Ryan? Ryan, its Nana…you need to wake up for your pills."
After a moment, one of Ryan's eyes cracked opened suspiciously. "Nana."
"Hi."
Ryan opened both his eyes but stopped, pulling the sheets up in embarrassment.
"Don't worry, kid, I raised three boys, you don't have to worry. I'm not going to hurt you, but I have to admit that I don't really trust Sandy to patch you up, he never really was one for blood and gore," she said, trying to relax him as she patiently folded the sheet back down and put her hand behind his pillow to urge him to sit upright. "His father, though, oh, he could throw a barstool with the best of them. Before the kids came along, it was like I was icing him down every weekend," she said.
Ryan had actually relaxed slightly and sat up stiffly.
He'd taken a beating all right. A bad one. No wonder he was staying in bed, he didn't seem in any shape to be anywhere outside of a hospital.
"How do you feel?"
"Sore," he answered quietly, putting his feet on the floor and running a hand through his hair. He was shivering.
"Cold?"
"Always. Doesn't matter the temperature these days. Getting better."
She held out his pills and he accepted them. "How are you? You look…really good."
"Thanks," she replied automatically before it hit her that he was changing the subject.
"Um, I'm going to get dressed, okay?" he said, starting to get up.
"Has anyone checked your stitches?"
"I'm fine…Nana."
She chuckled, taking his good arm and pulling him gently to his feet. "It always hurts you to say that. You can call me Sophie if you want, kid."
"Yeah?" he smiled slightly.
"Yeah," she said. He was going to trust her before she left this poolhouse again.
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Ryan Atwood knew he was losing his mind. Or something. Sandy's notoriously shrewish mother was playing nursemaid and being genuinely kind to him. She still had a sharp tongue and he knew that she was trying to get him to let her help him but it was still slightly surreal.
The Nana, now Sophie, was currently strategically placing band-aids on his back. To help with the scarring, she had said. He was too stunned by her patient kindness to even say anything.
"Now. Next on the agenda. You are moving into the main house for a while. You can't be out here all separated…"
"I'm comfortable here," he protested.
"But I'm not, I have nowhere to sleep, nowhere to cook and Sandy says you aren't eating right but I know it's just because they're not feeding you right. So come on, humor an old woman."
Ryan reluctantly got up and took the sweatshirt that she offered. She insisted on helping him pull it over his casted wrist and hand. He didn't want to think about what she knew.
"Now. You're going to stretch out on the couch and watch something with preferably no gunfire or cursing and I'm going to make you some home-cooked food that'll be easy on your stomach. Deal?"
"I don't have much choice…"
"You aren't even convincingly grumpy, I have lots to teach you," she snickered, taking his good arm and setting a slow pace for their journey into the house.
He was steady by the time they got to the kitchen, but he was dizzy from the short distance. He settled onto the couch immediately. She gave him the remote and he flipped the TV on obediently.
"I'll get you some juice, just relax."
He settled on the Cartoon Network on one of Seth's random anime shows. He leaned back into the plush couch. His eyes drifted closed before she could even return with the juice.
The dreams came almost immediately. Bound hands. The taste of blood. Whispered threats. Pain.
He woke up with a jolt and glanced at the clock. He'd only been asleep for about five minutes. If he'd even been asleep. Flashbacks, nightmares, all the same to him.
"Ryan? You okay?"
"Sure," he lied, accepting the glass of juice. His hands were shaking.
"You don't look okay. I only left you a minute…" Sophie was concerned and sat down beside him.
"I'm fine. Thanks."
"Okay. You don't want to talk about it, that's fine. What do you want me to make for you?"
"Anything will be fine," he answered automatically.
She puts her palm against his forehead as if she's checking for fever. "You're actually cold. I'll get you a blanket…"
"I can get it. It'll be good for me to move around," Ryan said, shaking off her hand. "Really…I'm fine…" he started to get up.
"Don't even try it. I'm here now and I won't have you doing anything for yourself. Not today. Stay there and finish that juice."
Ryan let himself sink back into the cushions again. He closed his eyes again.
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"Dad?"
Sandy sat up, blinking away sleep. It was night according to the outside lights shining in his window. "Seth. Come on in."
Seth was changed and looked much better than when he'd seen him last but his eyes were haunted. He walked in slowly and sat down on the end of the bed.
"What's wrong, son?" Sandy asked.
"It's…is Ryan going to be all right? Like…with what happened to him? Is he going to be all right?" Seth asked.
"He's tough…"
"That tough? Tough enough to deal with prison rape and beatings? Like…is he that tough? Because, if it was me…I know I wouldn't be that tough…"
Sandy put his hand on Seth's shoulder to reassure him. "We're here for him. We'll get him through it…"
"You said that he was the same Ryan…and I know you're right…but how is that even possible? How can he just…get over what happened?" Seth asked. "I just…I can't wrap my head around it."
"Seth, I don't know. This is new to me, too…all I know is that we have to show him that we still think of him as the same kid, that we love him and that we're here for him. If he wants to talk…we need to be ready to listen…I honestly don't know how he's dealing with this, I don't think he does either, he's just…it's all about self-preservation, Seth. He's doing what he needs to do to block out what happened…he couldn't fight back, he couldn't stop them, it was against his will…"
"At least now I feel a little better knowing you're just as clueless as I am," Seth admitted.
"I'm going to try to convince him to talk to someone…someone that has more experience…with…rape." Sandy didn't want to say the word but since Seth had used it, he felt like it was needed. "But he's…he's so dead-set against talking about it that I don't know how that's going to work."
"I'll convince him. He can yell at me all he wants, but I'll convince him. Nobody's going to mess with him again…" Seth said seriously. "I'm going to be his official bodyguard from now on. I just need a can of mace…"
"Just…be his friend, Seth. Ryan…he'll let us know if he needs us…"
"Ryan? He'd burst into flames before he told us he needed us…" Seth replied dryly.
"He'll tell us in his own way. Did you get any sleep?"
"I slept like a bitch, I was really tired. But I'm running out of stalls for the girls. Summer and Marissa are getting desperate and I wouldn't put it past them to show up unannounced after our impromptu hiatus," Seth admitted.
"Let's go check on the Nana. Maybe she cooked."
Seth's eyes lit up. "You think?"
"Come on," Sandy said, getting out of bed. He was dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt so he didn't feel the need to change right away. He followed his son down the stairs.
His mother had been working hard. There was a wide selection of food spread across the counter, of all kinds. Chinese stir-fry, rice, chili, hot dogs, meatloaf, clam chowder, cornbread and fish, French fries and hash browns. Apparently she'd cooked everything in the freezer and cabinets.
"Look out behind you," her voice carried to his ears.
Seth hurried past him to the den. "Nana?"
Ryan and the Nana were battling ninjas on the flat-screen.
"Oh my god," Sandy stated.
"I'm one handed, I needed her help," Ryan replied flatly.
"The guys at the condo would love this," his mother said.
"I've got to get my camera," Seth said, rushing upstairs.
"How's everything going?" Sandy asked. Maybe his mother's visit wasn't going to be so bad.
"I got the boy to eat, so I think you owe me some cash," she said, putting down her controller and patting Ryan on the knee. "Lie down again. You need to try and sleep. I'm going to feed the other boys and then I'll let you stay up awhile."
Ryan glanced at him. He didn't know why it felt so good to see his tired eyes. Maybe because the fear and agony was gone. Sandy nodded and Ryan gave him a weak smile.
Sandy could swear that he could suddenly see in color again. Everything was brighter.
"Thanks, Sophie," Ryan said. He stretched out on the couch as soon as she stood up. Sandy covered him with a blanket and tentatively put his hand on the boy's forehead. Ryan didn't flinch and closed his eyes. Relaxing. Sandy could breathe again. He left his hand there for a long moment.
His mom wasn't satisfied with his blanket work and quickly tucked it around Ryan, pulling it up to his chin.
Sandy followed his mother into the kitchen. "I don't know what you did, Ma, but…thank you," he said quietly so Ryan could rest.
She hugged him tightly with a sigh. "He's a sweet boy. It's so sad."
"Did he say anything to you?" Sandy asked.
"No. Not about…that. But it's radiating off him in waves. He's still petrified. Guilty…if you say it's happened to him in the past…then he's going to be messed up a while." She reached into the oven and pulled out a pre-made plate of food and put it in front of one of the seats at the counter. He sat down as she handed him his fork and looked at him seriously. "You have to tell Kirsten."
He stared at her.
"I don't care where she is, but I know she loves that boy and she loves you and she would want to know. If she comes back from, wherever she is, and sees him like that…she'll never forgive you."
He kept staring at her.
She sighed, pulling another plate out of the oven and sitting down beside him. "I'm telling you this as a mother. Not your mother, but as a mother in general. Her child's in pain…"
"I don't think she can handle it," Sandy replied honestly.
"He's her child. You have to tell her."
Sandy sighed.
"Eat."
Seth entered with his digital camera. "Did I miss it?"
"Sethela. Sit down and eat. I'll show you what your ninja protégée taught me later," his mother said.
"He said he was my ninja protégée? I'm so awesome," Seth laughed, following his Nana's pointing finger to the oven for his warmed plate.
"He calls you Sophie?" Sandy asked her.
"That's my name," she smiled slyly.
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He couldn't breathe. He was choking and his hands were tied and he hurt…somebody was holding him down, he couldn't get away…
"Ryan!"
He opened his eyes. He was tangled up in the blanket and Sandy was standing over him, trying to get the fabric from where it was twisted around him.
"Sorry. You were talking in your sleep, it sounded like you were choking…"
"Felt like I was choking, too," Ryan said, sitting up as Sandy finally pulled the blanket free. He ran his good hand through his hair, wincing at the pain.
"All right, kid. The Nana and Seth are gone out for groceries so you know what that means, right?" Sandy asked, sitting down at the far end of the couch. Ryan was appreciative to him for keeping his distance. He was still shaking from the dream, he was still panting from the dream.
"Serious conversation time," Ryan answered finally.
"I'm sorry."
"I knew it was coming." He paused. "Does your mom know what happened to me?"
Sandy didn't answer immediately and Ryan read his face. "She was a social worker for thirty-odd years."
Ryan blinked.
"I…I didn't know what else to do…"
"I think it's awesome that you have a mother that would fly halfway across the world just because you asked her to," Ryan stated blankly. So. Sophie knew that he'd been gangbanged in prison. Interesting detail. At least he knew the truth. Oddly, he was a little indifferent about the whole thing. He was just numb right now. But at least he was thinking slightly clearer after the nightmare. The numbness was a little odd, but not disturbing.
"Ryan…are you all right?"
He blinked at Sandy again. "Fine. Serious conversation, let's get to it."
"Ma thinks I should tell Kirsten. I'm asking you…"
Ryan blinked. "You know how I feel."
"She would want to know. She would want to help you," Sandy said.
The numbness wasn't affecting his body, his wrist was throbbing and his head was aching, but it was almost like his emotions had gone from panic to calm so quickly that they were bouncing on a cushion. He wasn't really processing anything emotionally at the moment. He could see Kirsten. Drunk Kirsten, lashing out. Apologetic Kirsten, hugging him goodbye. Happy, loving Kirsten, greeting him fresh from Chino for the second time. Disgusted Kirsten, sending him to foster care.
"Ryan?"
"You know what? I don't think I want to make that decision. You made the decision to tell your mother and she's actually helped, she got you to sleep, made me something that I could actually keep down, and she's good for Seth. Kirsten's sick. But I…I have to trust your judgment right now because…I don't want that responsibility." He didn't know where the words were coming from. It was almost like he was separated from his body. From reality.
"Ryan…son, what's wrong?"
He flinched at the word 'son' and a vision of his father's face looming over him snapped his tether and he gasped, clenching his good hand on the couch.
"Ryan…you're safe, it's Sandy…are you still with me? Ryan, kid, just…say something…"
Ryan pulled his feet onto the couch and wrapped his arms around his knees. Safe. Sandy. Sandy would take care of him. He closed his eyes and tried to hold onto something.
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Sandy forced himself to stay calm as he watched Ryan break down in front of him. He should have known that he was pushing too hard with he heard the boy's disassociated voice.
He stood up and walked over. Should he touch him? Would he flip out? Hurt himself trying to escape?
"Okay, kid, we can do this, let's both just chill out and take a step back and figure out what to do about all this…" Sandy spoke in a calm even voice, much like he used when he had talked Ryan to sleep after his confession. He took a chance and reached out, touching Ryan's uncasted arm ignoring the initial flinch.
Ryan was shaking but Sandy started talking again. "How about some fresh air? Huh? I think we both could use some fresh air, the house is all stuffy, can you get up for me?" Sandy pulled gently at his arms and legs until he had unbundled the boy.
As he stood up, he staggered and Sandy gently put an arm around his waist for support. Ryan recoiled, his blue eyes confused and panicked.
"Sandy, it's Sandy, it's okay, why don't you lean on me? I won't put my hands on you," Sandy said, his voice quivering slightly.
"'Kay. Sandy…safe…" Ryan murmured, blinking unsteadily. His hand clasped onto Sandy's arm
"Yeah, safe, you're safe…let's go outside, just for a minute…it'll clear your head…"
"'Kay…" Ryan replied. Sandy realized that the boy was gritting his teeth.
He reached out and snagged a bottle of juice off the counter as they walked slowly past through the open doors onto the patio.
Ryan released his grip slowly and turned his face toward the ocean. There was a slight breeze and Sandy watched as he closed his eyes.
"Better?"
"Mmm…" Ryan replied, still dazed.
Sandy took his hand and wrapped it around the cool bottle with his own, unscrewing the cap before releasing his hold.
Ryan was watching in fascination but he held the bottle upright once Sandy had released him.
"Sugar. It's okay…"
"Not spiked?" Ryan asked blankly.
"No, kid, freshly opened," Sandy replied in his calm voice. He couldn't let Ryan see that he was shaking, too.
Ryan raised it to his lips and closed his eyes again, taking several deep swallows. Sandy took the bottle from him finally and put his hand against Ryan's flushed cheek. Ryan didn't flinch this time. He sighed.
"I'm disconnected," he said flatly. "I…I can't figure out what the hell is going on right now…I can see you," Ryan said, motioning toward Sandy before raising his casted hand. "But I can't feel anything…I mean, I know my arm hurts and stuff…but…what am I supposed to be doing right now?"
Sandy didn't know what to tell him. He didn't know what to do. He needed his son back, not this lifeless, broken spirit. He put his hands on Ryan's shoulders and started running them up and down his arms, as if he was trying to warm him up.
"I want you to take a deep breath, okay? Will you do that?"
Ryan nodded vaguely.
Sandy demonstrated and Ryan mimicked him. "Count to ten," Sandy said. "Now, exhale and do it again…breathe slowly and try and fill your lungs, okay?" He kept rubbing his arms while Ryan took deep breaths. Sandy finally felt the tension start to drain out of Ryan's arms but he lost his color and started to shake more violently.
"Are you going to hate me too?" Ryan asked, his blue eyes still not fully connected to reality because Sandy could tell he was looking right through him.
"Why would I hate you?" Sandy whispered.
"My mom…she hated me…I never told her…but she hated that I wouldn't talk, that I couldn't stop shaking…she hated me for not being a man…"
Sandy started to say something but Ryan spoke again.
"I just…I can't deal right now…I don't want to sink again…but I can't…"
"Breathe, Ryan," Sandy urged as he started to breathe shallowly. "Look at me…look at me, Ryan…"
Ryan finally met his eyes, dazed. Sandy stopped rubbing his arms and held him steady. "You are safe here. I need you to talk to me. I won't let you sink if you just…just let me hold onto you for a while, okay? You can hang onto me so you won't sink…"
Ryan shuddered and let out a rasping sob. Sandy enfolded him in his arms, realizing that Ryan was nowhere near lucid yet.
He was going to have to try something else. Because he could see that Ryan really was sinking.
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Sophie breathed a sigh of relief when Seth was finally settled upstairs in his room. She loved Seth, he was her favorite grandchild, but he was damned exhausting. But at least she knew that she was caught up on the Newport gossip.
No luck on the Kirsten front.
Sophie had told Sandy it didn't matter. She had a pretty good idea of where Kirsten was.
And for one of the first times in her life, she could actually empathize with the princess. Kirsten was a lot of things, but Sophie could tell that she was a good mother just by being around her sons.
Sophie had been devastated when Sandy left home. Her baby boy left and he was so angry with her that he didn't say goodbye or that he loved her or anything. And she might have turned to the bottle a little. Her ex-husband's taste for whiskey might have rubbed off. Hell, the only reason she hadn't gotten busted for drunk driving was because the beat cops knew her. She was the lady that picked up the orphans or the kids whose parents were junkies. They drank with her some nights.
She could relate to Kirsten. She'd grown out of it finally, started dating, and threw herself into her work. But in her mind, it had been a problem. Nobody ever knew it but her.
She'd heard secondhand about Seth's little escapade to Portland and Ryan's accidental return to his roots. Kirsten had been through a lot. Sophie didn't absolve Sandy of all guilt, either. Sandy was guilty about something and if she could just break through his worry about Ryan, she might be able to find out what the hell had torn his family apart.
Ryan wasn't on the couch. Neither was Sandy. She started a pot of coffee and carried a mug with her to the poolhouse.
Sandy met her by the door.
"Why'd you bring him back out here?"
"He likes it better. It's too soon for him to be…social."
"What happened?" She could sense the change. Sandy was panicked again, just more controlled. More protective. Something had happened.
Sandy glanced behind him as if to make sure Ryan was still there before stepping outside with her. "He had…some sort of panic attack. He didn't know where he was…said he thought he was dreaming, like he was hallucinating or something…he finally snapped out of it and wanted to lie down…he needs to be where he's familiar and that's the poolhouse. It's his space…he's okay. He was okay when he fell asleep and he hasn't moved, he's still exhausted."
"I should've been here…"
"He…he knows you know. I shouldn't have told you, I broke his confidence…" Sandy said slowly.
"He understands."
Sandy sighed, putting a hand to his face. "Before he laid down, he asked me to call Kirsten. To tell her the basics, about Trey being locked up and the arrest before somebody else does. He agreed to talk to her if she wants to talk to him. I think that's…that's a big step. But he's…he's withdrawn. I got my sleep today. You get yours tonight."
"He's going to have to talk to somebody. If he wants to talk to me…I do have a long history in counseling kids…"
"He's not a kid, he's my son. I'll talk to him. We'll…we'll come up with something. Get some rest…I have a feeling I'm going to need you tomorrow…"
She started to argue but could tell by the look in his eyes that he wasn't going to leave Ryan alone tonight.
"I'll bring you out some breakfast. Try and get some sleep yourself, all right?"
"Thanks, Ma," Sandy smiled sadly, kissing her cheek before returning to Ryan's bedside.
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Lay your head down child
I won't let the boogeyman come
Count the bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums
-A Perfect Circle
Seth woke up around ten and took a shower. Today was a new day. Ryan would be better today.
The phone rang as soon as he'd poured his first cup of coffee. He answered it before Rosa could. "Hello?"
"Can I speak to Ryan?"
The voice chilled Seth to the bone. He motioned for Rosa to get his father. She shuffled hurriedly out of the kitchen.
"He's not here right now. You don't want to talk to me, Trey?"
"Seth?"
"Why are you calling here? Does the DA need somebody else to testify against you? God, I hope this is your only phone call, that would be fucking sweet, wouldn't it?" Seth snapped.
"Seth, I don't have any beef with you…"
"Yes, you do, motherfucker…" Seth started. His father appeared, startled and took the phone from him.
"Sandy Cohen, who is this, please?" Seth watched his father's eyes flicker with anger and he walked out of the kitchen.
Rosa walked in, slightly breathless.
"Thanks, Rosa," Seth said, embracing the lady.
"De nada," she smiled. "Ryan's awake. Take him some breakfast," she said through her thick accent.
He quickly loaded a plate with bagels and shoved two boxes of cereal under his arm while Rosa followed him with glasses, bowls and a half-gallon of milk.
Seth knocked softly and stepped into the poolhouse.
Ryan was sitting up, blankets folded down across his legs. "Hey."
"Hey, yourself. Hungry?"
"I'll give it a shot," Ryan replied, nodding at him. Seth sat down on the empty side of the bed and spread the food across the blankets. Rosa put the milk beside the bed, patted Seth on the shoulder and grabbed the laundry basket before making her exit.
"How're you doing?" Seth asked, as harmlessly as he could. He was nervous around Ryan, but at least his best friend looked more alert today.
"Okay, I guess," Ryan replied, picking up a bagel and biting into it tentatively. "You? I haven't even asked how you're doing."
"Dude, I'm fine. You're the only one that caught any damage this time. Fucker, always the martyr, aren't you?" He was calmed when Ryan smiled.
"How're the girls?"
Seth relaxed. A topic he knew something about. "Pissed. I bet they'll show up today, they're worried as hell."
"Will you do me a favor?" Ryan asked.
"Depends," Seth answered. Trey's phone call. His father's stressed face. His mother in rehab. "If you'll do me one in return."
"I guess it does depend then," Ryan replied after a beat.
"You go first," Seth said.
"Can you keep stalling the girls? Maybe…take them out? Tell them that I'm sick or contagious or something…I just…I can't deal with them right now. I want…I need to keep it in the family…" Ryan said. "What's your favor?"
Seth waited until Ryan had finished the bagel before answering. He picked up a bowl and filled it with cereal and held it out to Ryan. Ryan took it, but kept his eyes on him. "I want you…I want you to consider talking to a professional."
"What?"
"About…about everything. Because…I know I have no concept of what you're going through, that's not what I'm trying to say, but…I know that me and Dad aren't fully equipped to give you what you need right now…I mean, I know I'm not…" Seth said.
Ryan lowered his gaze. He held out his hand. "Spoon?"
Seth passed him a spoon.
"I…I don't talk. A shrink would be useless."
Seth looked at him.
Finally Ryan sighed. He put the spoon down and used his good hand to lift several pieces of cereal to his mouth. "This makes me feel better."
"Cereal?"
"Eating cereal with you. All I need now is a ramble about Summer," Ryan said with a sigh.
"I can do that if you want, she's been using all kinds of adjectives to describe me since I haven't been over," Seth replied.
Ryan smiled solemnly.
They ate in silence. Seth was relieved when Ryan reached for another bagel.
"So. A shrink."
"I don't know, Ryan…somebody that…that can help you. That you can tell things too without worrying about how it's going to affect them," Seth said pointedly. Ryan nodded silently.
"I got over it before," Ryan said quietly.
"Before?" Seth said, keeping his voice steady.
"Yeah. Before. Trey…he got me through it. When I was a kid…it happened when I was a kid."
Seth didn't know if he was expected to reply so he was silent.
"You're right. I shouldn't put this on you," Ryan said.
"Dude. You know what that means?" Seth asked, turning to him. "It means…that nothing's changed between us. If…if it happened to you before then you know that I liked you anyway, you know that I'm still your best friend because it doesn't matter to me…you know?"
Ryan blinked. "You think?"
"Yeah, dude…" Seth sighed, struggling to convince him. "I mean, it sucks, but…it makes us better."
"Okay. Okay…I'll talk to someone. Someone…private…"
"We'll pick one out…Dad can find someone…and…I'm still here, if you ever…want to talk. I'll…do my best not to disappoint you," Seth said, not wanting to say anything that he couldn't promise.
"Thanks. So…you'll take out the girls?"
"Sure," Seth said. "I can totally handle that."
"Thanks."
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"Your lawyer will be hearing from me," Sandy said, hitting the off button on the cordless and cutting off Trey's voice. Sandy was a lawyer. Trey was a liar. A skeeze. He didn't really know what a skeeze was, but he knew that Trey's picture would be beside the word in the dictionary.
He reached into his desk and pulled out a pamphlet, dialing the number with a shaking hand.
Kirsten had been there a week. Six days, that was a week in his mind.
"Yes. Kirsten Cohen, please…she should be allowed phone calls now, she's been calling me…I'm her husband…it's slightly urgent…"
He waited as the operator searched for his wife. He wasn't going to tell her about the…rape. But he had to tell her everything else. He had to believe that she loved Ryan despite her harsh words for him during the intervention.
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey."
"They pulled me out of group…is everything okay?"
"I miss you."
He heard Kirsten's soft breath. She always breathed so softly. He missed her breath against his cheek.
"Did you need to be in group?" Sandy asked.
"It…it helps. I know…I know now that I have a problem…I'm so sorry that I hurt you…that I did this…"
"Just…just get better. Come back to me. I…I miss you…"
"I miss you, too. But…why did you say it was urgent?"
Sandy took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I lied to you. Everything…everything's not fine here."
"Okay…okay, Sandy…tell me. Tell me now…" she whispered.
"It's…it's about Ryan. And Trey…"
"Did Trey hurt him? Sandy? Is he okay?"
"Trey…Trey hurt him. It's complicated…" Sandy answered.
"Sandy?" her voice was stern.
"When the boys went with me to Miami…Trey attacked Marissa…and when Ryan found out, he went after him. His timing was bad and the cops were already there for a raid…Ryan was already pretty messed up and he had to spend the night in juvie…and they…they hurt him, too…"
"Is he all right?"
Sandy was silent, his mouth moving but not releasing words.
"Is he all right?"
"No. He's hurt…and I don't want you coming home and seeing him and thinking…and thinking that I lied to you…"
"Sandy…what happened?"
"I…I failed him…I couldn't get him out in time and they…" Sandy felt the tears on his face but he had a hand against his desk to keep him from dropping the phone because of his shaking. "I failed him, Kirsten…"
There was a short pause. "Sandy Cohen, I know you didn't fail him, I know you did everything that you could and that you're still doing everything that you can to help him. If anything happened, I am positive that it was out of your control…"
Sandy was startled. He took a deep breath.
"You love that boy…so do I, no matter how I treat him…did they…did they…really hurt him?"
He knew what she was asking. He couldn't tell her. He didn't say anything.
"Sandy…did they…did they do anything…"
"What are you asking me?" he whispered.
"Did they abuse him?"
"Yes. They beat him…"
"Sexually?" she whispered.
"Yes." Sandy didn't think about his answer.
"God…" Kirsten whispered. "He told you?"
"Unfortunately, he didn't have to. But he…he told me. He talked to me…he's really messed up…"
"God…"
"Kirsten. I need you to get well…so much…" he whispered honestly.
"Me, too…I'll…I'll come home…"
"No. Not until you're ready." Sandy glanced up and recognized his mother in the doorway.
"You can't do this by yourself," she replied.
"I…I called my mother. My mother's here…"
There was a long pause. "Good. She knows…she knows about this stuff, doesn't she?"
"Seems so. Ryan calls her Sophie…"
"I don't even get to call her Sophie," Kirsten replied. He could hear her smile.
"Call me tomorrow."
"Can I talk to Ryan?"
"Tonight?"
"I guess you're right. But…I want to talk to him, okay? I won't talk to him about…about what happened…are you going to take care of Trey?"
"Take care of him?"
"Punish him."
"Yeah. I am…" Sandy answered.
"Good. Make him…make him realize what he did to our son…"
"Our son?"
"Yeah. Our son. He is our son. He's ours now. You hear me? Don't…don't let him go…he's ours now."
Sandy closed his eyes. "Yeah. He is."
"Seth?"
"Seth's great. He's…he's handling it. Ryan…Ryan told him."
"Get some sleep, Sandy. I'm…I'm going to talk to my counselor…and the head doctor…just…just hang on until I get home, okay?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too. I love you more than I could ever express…"
"At least we're on the same page now," Sandy whispered.
"Tomorrow. Things will be better. I'll be better. Take care of them…and I'll be home as soon as I can…"
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Ryan had his head in his hands. He was trying to feel the sensation of his own hands on his own face. But he couldn't.
He pushed his knees against his ears. Breathe. He needed to breathe. Think clearly. Steady.
He was safe. He wasn't a kid anymore. He could handle this.
"Kid?"
Ryan didn't answer Sophie's call. She knew everything. He didn't need to answer her.
He heard her make her way to his side and felt her comforting hand on his head. "Deep breaths, kid…good…you're doing so well…" she whispered.
"Well?" he muttered.
"Yeah, kid…you're doing great…you're so strong…just breathe and believe that you can do it…you have a family now…you're safe…just breathe…"
Ryan focused on her voice, sucking deep breaths into his lungs.
"You're a good kid…you just have to be able to see that…just take deep breaths and let us take care of you…" Sophie whispered, running her fingers through his hair.
"I…"
"Breathe…don't say anything until you're ready…"
He let her comfort him, focusing on his breathing. He didn't want to sink. Not after he'd been able to hold a serious conversation with Seth. Not after Sandy had spent all night watching him. He focused on catching his breath.
"Hallucinations, flashbacks…you have PTSD, post-traumatic stress syndrome…not to pigeonhole you, but just letting you know that it's normal…it's normal for you to be a little out of sorts…just breathe…"
"Can't…" he admitted. Sandy. Kirsten. Dawn. Seth. Trey. Everything seemed to be tinted gray.
"Shh…" her arms wrapped around him, pinning him and rocking him gently.
He wanted to tell her that it was too much, that his small little brain couldn't process all the images in his mind, all the pain and hurt…he couldn't breathe…
He felt something coarse press against his mouth and started to struggle until he heard her voice again. "This will help, honey, just breathe into the bag, just relax and breathe into the bag…"
Hyperventilating. He knew why she was doing it but he hadn't known he was hyperventilating. He closed his eyes.
"That's a good boy…that's much better," she soothed, caressing his cheek.
He felt steadier now and blinked his gratitude. She let him take control of holding the paper bag and settled beside him on the bed. When he could see in color again, he lowered the bag.
"Better?"
He nodded. "PTSD…that's what's wrong with me?"
"You went through some trauma, kid…it's going to take some time and possibly…some therapy, to get over it," she replied.
He nodded. Seth had already prepared him for that.
"You can talk to me, if you want. I…I worked with kids before I retired."
"Sandy told me…I just…I don't want to put this on you…" he whispered.
She took his face in her hands. "You are not putting anything on me. I am here to help. Sandy called me because he thought I could help…believe me, it's nothing I haven't heard before…"
He shook his head and pulled away. He could breathe again. He didn't want to talk about anything right now. He just wanted to shake off his last little panic attack and keep going.
"Honey…just relax…don't push us away…"
"Sophie…"
"I know it's hard, I know you never wanted Sandy or Kirsten to know about what happened to you…but they do now and you're not going to be able to walk this one off…it's too much, it's too much for anyone to handle…"
"I'm going to get a shower."
He needed to think.
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"Where's Ryan?" Sandy asked, stepping into the poolhouse.
"Taking a shower. He won't talk to me," his mother said sadly.
"What?"
"I came in and he was hyperventilating, having a full blown episode…so I calmed him down, got him relaxed again…but he wouldn't talk to me."
"Ma…I know you want to help, but I really think we need to bring someone in from outside the family…somebody that he won't feel like a burden unloading on…Ryan, he's always worried about other people, he rarely worries about himself…" Sandy said, sitting down with her on Ryan's bed.
"I've actually heard that about him," she sighed. "Have you made any calls?"
"I want to talk to him first. See what he wants to do. I think…he's going to need to have some sort of control over what's going to happen now…he needs to be a part of the decision-making," Sandy said. He'd thought about it a lot while he was on the phone with the DA's office about Trey. Ryan wasn't going to have any control over what happened to his brother but that was a parental decision that Sandy had to make. Sandy was going to make sure that Trey was never allowed to come near Ryan again. He was going to make sure he was in jail for the maximum.
"You haven't told me how Kirsten took the news."
Sandy stared at her. "Do you really want to know?"
She nodded. "Yeah."
"You've never approved of her…"
"I'm not here to tell you 'I told you so'. Kirsten proved me wrong years ago, she's been a good mother and a good wife…" Sophie said quietly. "She would be here if she could…"
"She's in rehab. She has a drinking problem."
"That's new," his mother replied quietly. "Just pop up on you?"
Sandy covered his face. "Sort of. We've…we've had some problems this year, Kirsten and I…"
"What kind of problems?"
"Ma…"
"Sandy…"
"Rebecca. Rebecca's father came to me for help and…things just got out of control and after this summer…Kirsten and I just weren't strong enough to take it…"
His mother's eyes had narrowed. "Rebecca. She's probably the only girl that I hated you dating more than Kirsten. That explains a lot. Did you sleep with her?"
"God, no, Ma, I would never…" Sandy started.
"Do the boys know?" she asked.
"No. We keep our personal lives separate…" he sighed.
"Your personal lives? You're parents, you don't have personal lives. God, Sandy…I had no idea…" she started.
The door opened and Ryan stepped out with his hair slicked back and still wet.
"Hey, kid," Sandy said.
"Hey." He made his way slowly over to sit down on the empty side of the bed.
"You okay?"
Ryan sighed heavily. "Sophie wants me to talk to her. Seth wants me to talk to someone…and I know that I need to…but…it's going to open up a whole can of worms that I'm just not ready to deal with…I just can't deal right now…"
Sandy glanced at his mother before walking over to kneel in front of him. "I know this is hard, kid…but it'll get easier if you let us help you…"
"I'm trying…" Ryan whispered. "But I don't want to talk to some random stranger, I'm tired of strangers…but I don't want…" he glanced behind him at Sophie before directing his attention to her. "I don't want you to think of me as some kind of pathetic victim every time you see me…I'm already an outsider in this family…"
"Oh, honey…" Sophie whispered.
"I just…I don't know what to do…can you just give me a little while to try and get better?" Ryan asked, searching Sandy's face.
Sandy held his gaze. "You're sinking, Ryan. You know that, you keep saying that…do you think it's going to get better?"
Ryan's face fell and he covered it with his hand.
"I'm sorry…"
"No. You're right. You're right, Sandy…I'll…I'll see whoever you want."
"Lie down…"
"I want to sit up a while," Ryan replied. "It's…I don't want to have another nightmare before I have to…"
"Let's get you some air," Sandy said.
"I'm going to straighten up in here," Sophie said, giving them their privacy.
"I…" Ryan started as he let Sandy steady him outside.
"Hey, kid, you don't have to talk. I know you're probably all out of words after these past few days," Sandy said, feeling the need to relax the boy. "But you're really doing much better than I expected. I mean, in your condition with the broken wrist and all the bruises…well, if it were me or Seth, we'd still be laid up in bed, but not you…"
"Will you find somebody soon? Before I lose my nerve?" Ryan asked quietly, sitting down by the pool.
Sandy pulled up a chair alongside him. "I'm not going to just pick a name out of the phone book, Ryan. I want it to be somebody that we can agree on, someone that you can really talk to…"
Ryan glanced at him. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Have you ever gone…like, to a shrink?"
Sandy hesitated. "No. I haven't."
"So…you can't really tell me what to expect, can you?" Ryan asked.
Sandy opened his mouth to reply but the phone in his pocket distracted him. He answered it, not recognizing the number. "Hello?"
"Sandy. It's Kirsten. I…I wondered if Ryan was awake now for me to talk to him…"