Chapter 34 In the Rectory

For Harry, a counseling session with Hogwarts' chaplain was even more regular than classes. Three or four times a week,for at leastan hour each session, he would go to the rectory and sit with Cameron in the den or at the kitchen table working intensively on attaining the ability to let go and forgive all wrongs, so as to serenely love all beings. During these sessions, Harry rarely felt serene. Rather, Cameron would lead him through all sorts of exercises which brought out all his angers and resentments, over real or imagined offenses. Cameron had made it a practice to ask Harry to place his wands on the mantle to at least put the idea of striking out magically out of his mind.

It was late September during one such meeting, a particularly tense session, that Harry was shocked to see Narcissa Malfoy, in Death Eater robes and wearing mirrored sunglasses, bursting in on them. She held her wand to Cameron's head and taunted Harry. Harry wanted to go for his wands, but she summoned them. Harry kept her talking until he saw her glance away and he shouted "Expelliarmus," stripping her wand from her and knocking her against the mantle, where she dropped semiconscious.

"Help her, Harry," called Cameron, catching his breath from having the wand poking into his throat.

"Help her? She's …"

"She's disarmed and injured. Put aside your resentments and forgive her."

Harry hesitated for several seconds and then knelt beside her. First he removed his wands and then checked her pulse and the knot at the back of her head. As he leaned in close, she suddenly grabbed around his shoulders, pulled him close and began kissing him.

"Ooooh! I've missed that," she squealed, kicking her feet happily, as Harry saw her transforming from Narcissa into Tonks.

Cameron frowned. "Tonks, you were supposed to carry it out longer than that."

"I know, Rev, but he's so cute and he was so close," she said with a giggle, then adding more seriously, gingerly touching the part of her head which had hit the mantle, "and besides, this was making it hard to maintain the transformation."

"That's all right, then," said Cameron. "We hadn't anticipated how strong he was wandless. It's a good thing he didn't have his wands on him."

"Very clever, you two," said Harry finally, "only I was suspicious from the start when she was wearing shades."

Cameron wagged a finger. "Aah, but no doubt young Mr. Malfoy has informed his mother about the sunglasses and the reason for wearing them. She would of course wear them to protect herself from you."

"Well, that's why I wasn't certain until I disarmed her. Then again, the attack seemed like something out of someone's poorly written adventure story. But finally there was the dead giveaway."

Tonks peered at him resentfully. "Oh, yeah, Potter – I happen to know I looked just like Aunt Narcissa, so how can you say you could tell I wasn't her?"

Harry smiled both wickedly and fondly. "You may have looked like Madame Malfoy, but you still smelled – and tasted – like Tonks."

Tonks grinned. "Fine, then, Potter. You just make sure you kiss any Death Eater before you fight them."

"Oh, yeah? Well, you'd better make sure Cameron's holding my wands before you show up again looking like one of them, or a knot on your conk will be the least of your worries. And Tonks – I'd hate to do anything bad to you: you're far lovelier as yourself than as anyone I've seen you mimic."

"You see, Cameron," said Tonks with bemused exasperation, "how can I stay mad at someone who says things like that?"

After Tonks had left, Harry asked Cameron about miracles.

"I take it you've been reading your Bible apart from our sessions," said Cameron.

"Yeah, some, when I get the chance."

"Yes, I can see how time must weigh heavily on your hands."

"There are slow times when everyone is occupied or I can't get to sleep, especially if I've waked up to call in an attack response. I started looking at the study guides. I read the historical context and about sacrifices and atonement and other stuff, and then came across the section on miracles."

"Ah, well, Harry, that's a tough topic for several reasons. The most important one is that I feel the stories about Jesus performing miracles distracts from the more important message, that we should live our lives loving all people."

"Okay, I can see that. What else?"

"Well, being in the magical world, it can be hard to sort out miracles from magic."

"Maybe Jesus was a wizard."

"Somehow that doesn't seem right."

"Why? A wizard is just a regular person with a particular capability. Maybe 'miracle' is how the people of the time explained magic."

"Well, 'magic' was the explanation for most of what they didn't understand. It would be odd to then explain other unexplainable things by a different term. But maybe 'miracle' is the word when the odd things are done by a religious figure and 'magic' is the word used when the person is not religious."

"Or perhaps when the person telling about it doesn't agree with the religion of the person doing the fantastical thing?"

"Aye, I'm sure that plays in as well. It's also hard to put Old Testament miracles into a neat context, because they are really all over the board, from raining fire to prophetic talking donkeys."

Harry started to speak, but Cameron quickly cut him off, "Nae, I don't think it was a mistaken reference to centaurs."

"Actually I was going to make a comparison to Professor Trelawney."

"That's e'en worse, Harry. Saying contemptuous things about people is as bad as striking out at them. You don't have to buy into everything they're about, but don't denigrate the person. Understand that almost everyone is trying to do what appears to them to be the best they can do, it's just that we have varying degrees of short-sightedness."

"Even Umbridge? Even Voldemort?"

"Aye. They are doing what they perceive to be the best they can. She sees only support for the Ministry powers-that-be as 'the good' and Voldemort sees no other value than himself."

"Then who am I to say they are wrong: how do we know what's right?"

"We are told to 'test everything, retain that which is good' – and by the way, most of that testing can and should be done by thinking things through – and we know the standard of goodness is universal love."

"You'll have me fitted for angel wings yet, won't you?"

"Would it be so bad to be saintly? Most people go through life with their souls incomplete or even fractured by their callous disregard of others. Someone who exercises his body well develops a magnificent physique. I'll admit I'd love to see you develop a magnificent soul. There was a line from a song when I was a young man "You have to be whole to be holy" – that's what we are working toward: a healthy, wholesome, magnificent soul."

"So I can have the power to defeat Voldemort?"

"Nae. Well, maybe, but that's only the short-term goal. Set your sights beyond him. Whatever happens regarding him, you can become serene and as one with all Creation if you fully practice universal love, and you cannot do that if merely defeating Voldemort is your only goal."

"'Merely'?"

Cameron smiled, "It's a big task, but it is still short-term and narrow. You need to see the entire horizon."

"Okay, I'll think on that. So: back to miracles."

"Right. I also believe the role of miracles in the New Testament is ambiguous. Some people want to say that they prove that Jesus was God in human form; that doesn't work very well because Jesus never claimed that it was he working, but God working through him. And whatever his relationship with God, if he did not have just the awareness of self that a human has, then the example of his life and the sacrifice of his death and resurrection lose some or all of their meaning.

"There was a time when the stories of his miraculous healings were taken as proof that he was rightly a king: it used to be believed that the touch of a king could heal. People with scrofula would jockey for an opportunity to be touched by a king. Not surprisingly, the kings did not often agree to go around touching sickly peasants. It was unpleasant, they weren't too fussed what happened to any particular peasant, and worst of all, if the sick person did not heal, others could take this as proof that the king was not the rightful king. Nowadays, of course, we don't really expect Prince Charles to ascend to the throne and go through the hospitals healing people."

"It'd be pretty neat, though, wouldn't it?"

"Well, it would certainly justify the maintenance costs on the monarchy," agreed Cameron. "Another problem I have with the claims of miracles is that some of the stories may well have been embellished or exaggerated over the years before they were written down. Reputedly the gospels were written by four of his actual disciples, and there are whole or partial copies that go back to the first century A.D., either during their lifespans or soon after, but still there is a lot of room for honest doubt."

"But … you're a reverend. Aren't you supposed to believe that the Bible is absolutely true?"

"I believe there is a lot of truth to it and even more of wisdom, but to believe that the Bible is absolutely factually true, I'd have to believe mutually contradictory creation stories and genealogies, that God made the Earth and its creatures the way they are for the purpose of deceiving us, and that the value of pi – the ratio of the diameter to the circumference of a circle – is precisely 3, when it is very simply and irrefutably demonstrable that pi is significantly more than 3. Worst of all, I would have to accept the perfection of an artifact, the Bible. Only God is perfect – to hold anything else as perfect is idolatry. If nothing else, no language is perfect and the ability to communicate in any language is imperfect. Even if God dictated every word Himself, the words themselves are limited, our understanding of them varies from person to person, and their meanings drift over time. The people who worship the Bible as inerrant are simply avoiding the more difficult task of living their lives by the message of the Bible. And that is?"

"That we love all beings as ourselves," answered Harry.

"Excellent. But since you've asked, let's take a look at the miracles, and see what we can make of them. Did you look at all of them or just Jesus' miracles?"

"I saw some in both the Old and New Testament. In the Old Testament, I saw about the sun standing still for a day, those Egyptian plagues, that burning bush, erm, there were others, I forget some."

"Do those bother you?"

"Well, some are just strange. And women having babies for the first time when they are really old is weird, but in a sense beautiful – they clearly wanted babies very badly, so it's kind of neat. But there was the Flood, and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, and those plagues in Egypt: those were really awful, terribly cruel."

"Yeah. They are hard to reconcile with a merciful God. Supposedly, the Flood and the cities' destruction had to be done because the people had become so evil, but it's hard to believe that everyone was so bad. And even so, the response of sending someone to preach repentance, like in the Jonah story, seems to make more sense. Supposedly Lot was given the chance to find good people in Sodom and Gomorrah, but he could not: maybe so for the adults, but why all the children as well? And according to Exodus, after all the other plagues, a lot of innocent children – just innocent children - were killed to make the Egyptians finally allow the Hebrews to leave. It's usually explained as necessary to allow the Hebrews to return to Canaan. It seems like a horrible way to do that. We're left just throwing up our hands and saying 'It's God's will.' I know His ways are beyond our understanding, but some things are just mysterious, like quantum mechanics, while wholesale slaughter seems malevolent."

"It's comforting to know you don't understand those things either."

"No, not those. I'm better with the desert guidance and the manna to feed the Hebrews."

"That seems more like a merciful image."

"Of course, God allows natural disasters large and small to occur and afflict the innocent as well."

Harry nodded. "Somehow, letting the forces of the Earth play themselves out, even if people are sometimes in the way, seems very different than deliberately raining death and destruction on people, especially innocents."

"Yeah. No doubt the way God is presented in the Bible shifts over the centuries. From the beginning, however, he is shown as being forgiving in many circumstances. Let's talk about Jesus' miracles."

Harry straightened up and looked up as he recalled what he had read. "Okay, the first one I saw was changing water into wine."

"Yes, his first miracle reported in the gospels, at the wedding in Cana."

"I would not even call that a miracle – quite a few of us here can do that."

"Sure, making spirits is one of the first skills the students work on privately. Then there was feeding 5000 people by making bread and fishes multiply enough to feed them."

"Hm, you don't suppose he had a house elf, do you?"

"I think it might have been noted."

"That goes beyond wizard talents. We can make things appear temporarily, or transfer them from somewhere, but they don't just come from nowhere."

"Well, it has long been suggested that actually as the food was distributed, the people in the crowd, inspired by the sharing, brought out supplies they had hidden."

"So maybe not really a miracle."

"Well, I think it's a miracle whenever people are moved to share with others, particularly those they don't even know. But it's not the sort of miracle we're talking about. He was said to have walked across water."

"Hm. The closest I know of for a wizard doing that would be freezing the water ahead of him, unless there was a hidden helper."

"And on another occasion he was in a boat on a stormy lake and he commanded the storm to stop and the seas to become still."

"Wow. Controlling storms." Harry searched in his and Voldemort's minds a minute, until he had to rub the sides of his head. "Stirring up a storm can be done by a powerful wizard, and then he can undo what's been done – any chance Jesus started that storm?"

Cameron shook his head. "According to the story, he had been asleep until the storm looked like it would sink the boat he and his disciples were in. The most common and important miracles, however, were healings and raising from the dead."

"No potions, I take it."

Cameron smiled. "No, no potions. In one case, he made some mud with dust and his spit, and smeared it on a blind man's eyes, and when the blind man washed it off, the blindness was gone."

"Wow, the best we wizards can do is a magical eye, like Professor Moody's."

"In other instances, he cast out demons, made a lame man walk, relieved paralysis, stopped a woman's uncontrollable bleeding – you get the idea."

"Casting out demons? What kind?"

"That's really hard to say. It sounds like the people who had them may have been mentally ill."

"Well, curing mental illness is pretty impressive."

"Yes, it was, and the stories spread all around as you may imagine. There are several stories also of Jesus bringing people back to life who were either dead or near-dead – a man named Lazarus, a Jewish girl, a Roman centurion's daughter."

"Any chance that they were just in a coma or something."

"Of course, that is a possibility, and many people have argued that it must be so. In at least one of the cases, Jesus described a girl as merely sleeping, not actually dead. Either he was being a very keen observer or he was attempting to avoid attention. We cannot be certain that any of those people was dead. Now, do you believe what we are discussing?"

"I believe the Bible says it, because I have learned I can trust you. It's a lot to swallow to accept all those stories."

"Yes, it is, and many mighty theologians have struggled over them. You are in very good company with your doubts. For non-magical folks, such powers are unthinkable, but you have many powers. What would you think of being able to do those things?"

Harry thought a while. "Well, the simpler things would be fine – walking on water, making food or other things multiply. Maybe even stopping storms would be okay, especially since there aren't all that many violent storms here in Britain. But healing and raising from the dead – no, thanks."

"That's interesting. Why not?"

"I've already got enough on my plate. I have a lot of powers to try to use responsibly, to say nothing of dealing with the Voldemort connection. Power over life and death is just too much responsibility."

"Well, in a way, any of us already has power over life, in that we already have ways we can kill."

"Right then, to heal or raise from the dead is power over death. That's too much. I'm quite willing to save a life by averting threats: I can fight and teach other to do so. Some people say I look for trouble, but I'd like to think that it's just being willing to exercise my power for life by opposing those who would use those ways to kill people."

"Maybe the thought of your own death does not seem significant to you."

Harry thought. Then he looked up at Cameron. "You might be right. I don't want to die, but after a fashion it doesn't seem that terrifying either, especially if it saved those I love."

Cameron blinked his eyes. "Explain to me a bit more why it would be so bad to be ableto beat death directly."

"The thought of being able to save lives that way is just too much. We laughed about Prince Charles passing through the hospitals, healing them all, but what kind of an existence would that be, always seeking out the sick and healing them."

"Do you really think he would spend every waking minute doing so?"

"I don't see how a person who could do that could bring themselves to do anything else. The problem isn't saving people's lives – that would be great. The problem is being forced to choose. Could you just let someone die if it was in your power to save them?"

Cameron swallowed and nodded thoughtfully. "I hope not, Harry. But I wouldn't be the first Christian who spoke a better game than he played."

"Maybe that's why it was supposed to be kings who had the power – who else would be able to think himself so far more important than others that he could just let others suffer or die, having the power to change it."

"Well, it's not as if the idea's been tested – kingly healing powers were just a myth."

"It's just as well. If a person had power like that and he had any decency at all, he'd have to be doing it all the time. There'd be nothing else. It would be playing god to say no."

"You know, Harry, in all the times I've read about the miracles, I've never thought of them like that. It always just seemed wonderful that people were healed."

"Well, of course it's wonderful."

Cameron nodded. "But that's what makes it scary, too."

"Yeah. I'll stick to training for a battle, if you don't mind."

"Don't worry, Harry. We don't really get choices that way. Although, …"

"What?" said Harry apprehensively.

"Well, the Bible promises us that whatever we pray for will be granted. I think it's got to be prayed for with a pure heart and proper purposes, but it's quite a promise."

"Then there shouldn't be any sick people, at least nothing serious."

"You'd think so. I guess sometimes God says no."

Harry nodded. "Still, praying for healing is way different from being able to do it by powers. With praying for it, it might not happen and if not, at least you asked."

"What do you pray for, Harry?"

"Oh, you know: world peace, an end to hunger, the knowledge of how to defeat Voldemort – the usual."

Cameron smiled. "Yeah, the usual. Nothing specific?"

"I've never really learned to pray."

"We'll have to have a lesson on that soon: prayer helps even if you aren't too sure what you believe. If nothing else, it helps focus the spirit. So what would you pray for?"

Harry looked into the crackling fire for a few seconds, and then nodded. "I'd want a way to stop all the fighting between the students. I'm really scared that we are making a target of ourselves by the fighting. It's mostly the group leaders, although lately it has spread to others. If we can't work together, we'll be toast if Voldemort's forces decide to attack."

"Hmm."

"What? It sounds like you know something."

Cameron smiled. "I might but I can't tell you."

"Ah, it's a secret!"

"No, I mean I literally cannot tell you. I can't even think about what it is. There was just a twinge. The enchantments of a pastor in the wizarding world make it impossible for me while I am around someone else to even hold in my conscious mind what has been said in confidence to me. Perhaps someone has said something to me in confession or counseling. It's most likely that someone came to me to discuss guilt over hexing someone. I simply can't know at this moment. I don't even know who might have said something, but it would come back to me when I'm alone or with that person. Use your legilemency if you want: you'll see there is nothing I am holding back from you."

Harry hung his head. "No, I trust you. I just hoped something you knew would give me a clue."

"The only thing I can tell you is to keep trying to do the best you can."