(WARNING: This chapter is extremely long!)
Dateline: Friday, May 1, 1981, 11:12 AM, Pacific Daylight Time.
Python rumbled down the street in the Alphamobile. She was on her way to Metroville High School to pick up her teammates, Rocket, Blind Tracy, and Liquegirl. When she pulled up, she saw her brother and the girl whom she thought of as the little sister she never had, in full costume. They got into the car.
"Where's Kim?" Python asked.
Rocket opened his mouth wide, and out of it poured a strange dark blue liquid. It flowed onto the seat next to him, and then took on human form. It was Liquegirl, also in full costume.
"Oh, yeah, Dash, great idea!" she complained. "You nearly swallowed me twice! That is the last time I let you talk me into hiding in there!"
I am going to need some serious therapy before this thing is over, thought Python as she pulled away from the school.
"Where's your boyfriend, huh, short stuff?" asked Rocket.
"I don't know," said Python, "I'd better find out. And don't call me 'short stuff'!" She got on her radio-watch. "Heartthrob, this is Python, come in, over."
"This is Heartthrob, read you loud and clear, Python."
"Heartthrob, I need your ten-twenty, repeat, I need your current position, over."
"I'm at the corner of 12th Street and Kentucky Avenue, why?"
"Stay there; I'm coming to pick you up. Python out."
She turned the wheel hard to the right and started southbound on 12th Street. But when she got within sight of Kentucky Avenue, she saw a most distressing sight.
"Oh, that's just perfect!" Python complained.
"What's going on?" asked Blind Tracy.
"Traffic," answered Rocket, "and it's backed up three whole blocks!"
"Rocket," said Python, "it would be faster if we walked, or rather if you did!"
He knew exactly what his big sister was implying. He got out of the car and skated down the line of traffic to where Heartthrob was. However, he miscalculated how quickly he could stop in those things. He had to grab a lamppost to keep from rolling all the way to San Diego. After he came to a complete stop, he discarded the skates in disgust.
"E and her crazy ideas!" he fumed.
Once he got his heart rate up, Heartthrob ran in tandem with Rocket back to the Alphamobile. "Great," said Heartthrob, "now that we're all here, let's go get Herr Cannon!"
"We can't," said Python.
"Why not?" was the collective response of the team.
"The hotel district is this way, so we have to wait for the traffic to clear up."
"No, we don't!" shouted Liquegirl. She TAGed the car. All at once, the car and its occupants began to melt. Now that it was so much smaller, and more flexible, Python drove underneath all the cars in front of her. The team got past them all in no time at all.
When they got there, they saw exactly what the sheriff had described: chaos and destruction. Herr Cannon was plainly visible, using his magic to fire his weapon instead of his ammunition.
"All right, is everyone magic-proofed?" Python asked. Everyone said yes. "All right then, let's go!" Python parked the car and the team ran out to face their foe. Herr Cannon noticed Alpha Force, and dropped what he was doing so he could look them right in the eye.
"My, my, my," he said, "you guys look mighty spiffy in your new suits. You'll be that much nicer looking…for your funerals!" He cast a death spell at them, but to no effect. They all just smiled. "Hmm, I had a feeling you guys would have some sort of anti-magic shield." He grabbed his cannon with both hands and spun it around to face them. "Let's see if it can protect you from…" His voice trailed off when he noticed that they were gone. He sighed. "Here we go with the hide and seek again!"
"That's what you think!" screeched a female's voice. All of a sudden, Herr Cannon felt weightless. Then his whole body lifted off the ground. He struggled to break free of whatever was holding him, but in vain.
"Why not come out where I can see you, Blind Tracy?" he asked.
From behind a beleaguered hotel emerged the visually impaired orphan. She gestured toward her head. "Cool, huh? It triples the strength of my telekinesis, so this time you won't escape! Now, into the cannon with you!"
"What?" Much as Herr Cannon tried to fight it, Blind Tracy managed to shove him into his own weapon.
"Okay, now where are the matches?" She got down on her hands and knees and started to feel around for the matches.
"Looking for these?" asked Herr Cannon, holding out a matchbook.
"Thank you…wait a minute, how did you…?" Poor Blind Tracy never finished her question. Herr Cannon punched her out first.
"Hey! Don't you know better than to hit a blind person?" Herr Cannon turned and saw Liquegirl defiantly pointing at him.
"I'll take care of you next!" he bellowed. He marched like a soldier toward her. She freaked out and ran away, but Herr Cannon gave chase. He cast a spell, making three brick walls appear. Suddenly, Liquegirl found herself at a dead end, with nowhere to run. She turned and saw Herr Cannon barreling on her like a freight train. At the last second, she liquefied. Herr Cannon plowed right through her with a splash. Unable to stop, he then crashed into the wall he himself had made. Liquegirl was unharmed, naturally.
"Yes!" she exulted when she saw Herr Cannon. But just then, he got up, cracked his neck, and healed himself right before her eyes. Now Liquegirl was nervous all over again. Herr Cannon delivered a hard jab that landed in her stomach with a plop. With her enemy's fist in her abdomen, Liquegirl had an idea. She altered her viscosity, to make her fluid body as thick and sticky as tar. Herr Cannon tried to pull his fist out of the goo, but he couldn't.
"Hey, can someone come and beat this guy up while I still have him trapped?" Liquegirl asked nobody in particular.
Just then, Rocket arrived in a blur of blue fabric. "I'll do it!" he said. And he proceeded to punch Herr Cannon again and again. He even managed to draw blood from the villain. He was astonished that it was purple, but it didn't faze him.
"VOLVO!" Herr Cannon screamed amid the beating. And the next thing anyone knows, he's gone! Rocket swore.
As it turns out, "Volvo" was a teleportation spell that Loren never thought to use. It's also what Herr Cannon used to escape from the cannon. However, he couldn't choose his destination when he used it. He ended up right in front of Heartthrob's face.
"Looks like it's my turn to rough you up!" he said. He punched his hand to show how serious he was.
"Wait!" Herr Cannon protested. "You're super-strong and I'm not! That's not a fair fight!" He put his thumb and forefinger in his mouth and whistled loudly. His weapon magically rolled by itself, right to his side, like an obedient dog. "Okay, now it's a fair fight."
Herr Cannon clapped his hands twice to make his weapon fire. The large cannonball soared with a deafening BOOM, and was threatening to mutilate Heartthrob. He wanted to run, but he willed himself to stay still. He knew that the sight of the massive lead sphere would get his heart rate up high enough to defend against it. He ended up catching the huge bullet the way a mortal man would catch a basketball.
"Nice throw," he commented. "Now, let's see you catch it!"
Heartthrob spun around in a circle to build up momentum. Then he flung it right back at his adversary. Herr Cannon knew this was coming, so he teleported away. Now the cannonball was on its way to hit another building! Heartthrob ran after it very quickly, hoping to catch it before it made contact. Unfortunately, his shoes were untied, and he tripped and fell. He was unharmed, but there was now nothing he could do to stop that cannonball.
Luckily, Python had been watching the whole thing. She stuck out her hands to create a force field in the trajectory of the ball. The ball hit the force field with such momentum, that it dispersed. Then the ball hit the asphalt and slowly rolled to a stop. With that crisis out of the way, Python ran to check on her fallen boyfriend.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"I'm fine, but where's the rest of the team?"
As soon as he said that, Rocket rushed up with Blind Tracy over his shoulder. Liquegirl flowed out of his boot.
"We found her like this," Rocket explained, pointing to Blind Tracy. "I think it's time we fall back and regroup."
"Great idea!" said Liquegirl. "Let's duck in there," she gestured to an empty liquor store. Then she flowed inside under the locked door, unlocked it from the inside, and hustled the team inside. Once there, they revived Blind Tracy with cold water.
"Okay," said Python in her best authoritative voice, "what do we know about our enemy?"
"We know he's too clever to be defeated by mere brute force," said Heartthrob.
"Whatever we throw at him, he'll use his magic and escape it," added Rocket.
Liquegirl was thinking hard. "It seems to me that the logical course of action is to disable his magic, and then kick his ass."
"Great idea, Dr. Spock," said Blind Tracy, "but how exactly are we supposed to zonk out his powers, huh?"
"I don't know," said Liquegirl, "I'm not exactly familiar with magic."
"I've got it!" Python exclaimed. "Does anybody have a quarter?"
The Alpha Forcers all said no. "You could take one out of the cash register over there, and leave an IOU," suggested Rocket.
"All right, here's the plan: you guys get back out there and keep Herr Cannon busy for as long as you can. I'm going to reach out and touch someone who knows a thing or two about magic." Python stuck her hand out. "Alpha Force on three!" she said. Everyone else placed a hand on top of hers.
"One, two, three…ALPHA FORCE!" And the team took off.
Python rushed to a nearby pay phone, and dialed the operator. "Hello, can you connect me to 5772 Atlantic Avenue, please?"
It was Rocket who spotted Herr Cannon first. He was making rubble out of another high-rise. "Hey, chowder head!" Rocket called out. "You want a piece of this?" He waved his rear end in Herr Cannon's face.
Enraged, Herr Cannon charged them, but ended up caught in Blind Tracy's telekinesis. As he hovered in mid-air, Rocket and Heartthrob took turns punching him. Herr Cannon opened his mouth to cast the teleportation spell, but Liquegirl stuck her hand over his mouth, effectively gluing it shut, to keep him from speaking.
"Ha, ha!" she exclaimed. "Let's see you get out of this one, tiger!"
Rocket and Heartthrob continued to beat on him for quite some time. So much, in fact, that fatigue started to set in. With Blind Tracy still holding him aloft and Liquegirl keeping him muted, the two men decided to take a breather for a little while. When they did, Herr Cannon hatched a plan. First, he healed his wounds, for obvious reasons. Then, he started to move his tongue around in the gelatinous substance that covered his mouth. When he did, Liquegirl started to giggle.
"Hey, stop!" she said. "That tickles!" But Herr Cannon didn't stop. He had unexpectedly discovered Liquegirl's weakness! Herr Cannon kept this up as long as he could. It got to be so uncomfortable, that Liquegirl yanked herself from his mouth on a reflex.
"VOLVO!" Herr Cannon screamed once able to speak again. And then he was gone. The supers were incredulous, meaning they couldn't believe what just happened.
"Guys," said Liquegirl, "I'm sorry. It's all my fault."
"Never mind that now, sweetheart," said Rocket. "There's still a chance we can win this fight. We've got to find Python!"
The team rushed over to the nearest pay phone, expecting to find their leader there. And sure enough, there she was.
"So that's all I have to do?" she asked into the phone. "Well, that should be no problem! Thank you, bye!" She hung up, then spun around to find her team standing there. "Oh, great, you're here! I know what we have to do. Where's Herr Cannon?"
"He kind of got away from us," said Blind Tracy.
"That's okay. Now here's the plan." She motioned that they all should huddle up. They did, and Python whispered the plan to them.
"Super idea, dear," said Heartthrob, "but there's just one problem. How are we supposed to find Herr Cannon?"
Just then, the villain's weapon rolled by under its own power, just like it did before. Thinking quickly, Python jumped onto the barrel of the cannon and rode it like a horse all the way to where Herr Cannon was.
"Oh, dear me!" she said, feigning terror, "it seems I have been captured by the mighty Herr Cannon! Oh, what terrible fate shall be wrought upon me?"
Herr Cannon, not seeing how poorly Python was acting, grabbed her by the wrists and stared intensely into her eyes. Just then, the rest of the team arrived.
"Oh, my!" said Blind Tracy. "I wish someone would tell me what was happening, for I myself cannot see it!"
"Dear Blind Tracy," said Liquegirl, "It seems that the strong and merciless Herr Cannon has captured our leader!"
"What a shame!" said Heartthrob, "and I never got to tell her I loved her!"
"Oh, the hu-man-it-y!" said Rocket, pronouncing every syllable.
"Yes!" Herr Cannon said, oblivious to the team's collective sarcasm, "I have your leader! And if you don't do exactly as I say, I'll kill her!"
Alpha Force wasn't frightened in the least by this blowhard's threat. It was all part of their master plan. "We shall never submit to your will, o villain of death!" they all said.
"Fine!" said Herr Cannon, pulling a knife from his pocket. "Have it your way!" And he brought the knife to Python's neck and was about to terminate her, when…
"WAIT!" Python screamed. "Don't I at least get a last request?"
"Um…well…" Evil super villain though he was, Herr Cannon was still a gentleman…as gentle a man as he could be, that is. "Okay, I guess you deserve one final request. What would you like?"
Python smiled. Her plan was working.
"Could I have a bag of peanuts, please?"
"Of course you can! Stay right here, I'll go get one for you." And like the idiot he was, he went inside one of the hotels he hadn't demolished yet and got them for her. It didn't take very long at all. "Here's your peanuts, you over-zealous goody-two-shoes bag of bones!"
Rocket stepped forward, wanting to turn Herr Cannon into mincemeat, but Liquegirl held him back. Alpha Force had to let Python's plan play out.
Python opened the bag and began to eat ravenously.
"Yes, enjoy your little snack, you snake, because the next taste to invade your mouth will be the bitter taste of death!" Herr Cannon's words didn't bother Python. Her plan was about to enter its final stages.
"You know," she said, "it would be rude of me to eat in front of you without offering you some of my food. Would you like some?" She held out the bag for him.
"No, no, I couldn't, this is supposed to be your last request."
Uh, oh, thought Python. "No, I insist, have some! What's the harm?"
"Well, when you put it that way, how could I refuse? Besides, I love peanuts!" And together, Python and Herr Cannon finished off the bag. When they were finished, Herr Cannon got his knife back out. "All right, you've had your nuts. Now, before I kill you, do you have any last words?"
"Only two," she responded, snarling. She spun around and kicked Herr Cannon right in the hand that held the knife. It fell to the ground. Then, Python screamed, "DOG PILE!"
All at once, the entire team jumped on top of Herr Cannon, nearly squashing him to death. Nearly.
"Hey, great plan, boss," said Blind Tracy. "I admit, I had my doubts, but he fell for it hook, line, and sinker!"
Herr Cannon laughed an evil laugh. "You fools! Have you forgotten about my magic? VOLVO!" But nothing happened. He tried it again. And again. Each time, nothing happened. "Why won't it work?" he asked.
"You ate the peanuts," Liquegirl explained. "The oil in the peanuts reacted with your blood to cancel out all your magic. Now, there's nothing you can do except wait for the police to come!"
Herr Cannon screamed, then coughed. He was having trouble breathing, and I don't think I need to say why. In time, the sheriff came with a large group of policemen.
"All right, you guys, get off of him," he said, "we can take it from here." The police cuffed Herr Cannon and took him away. "You guys did great today," he continued. "The people of Metroville owe you a debt of gratitude."
"Thanks, but it's really not necessary," Python said. "We're just doing our job."
"All right, but if you ever change your mind…" he pointed at her watch, "you know where to reach me." And with that, he left for the police station.
"Okay, now where did we park?" asked Rocket.
"In front of the Best hotel, on Third Street, I think." The team ran there.
"Well, this is the right place," Python said, "but I don't see our car anywhere."
"Are you sure we parked right here?" asked Heartthrob.
"I'm positive!"
"Then why isn't it here?" asked Blind Tracy.
"Um, guys?" Liquegirl said pointing to a nearby sign. "I think this might have something to do with it."
The team ran over to read the sign. "No Parking Anytime. All Violators Will Be Towed."
"Oh, sure, now you see the No Parking sign!" Rocket complained.
"I left my lunch in that car," Blind Tracy whined.
"I think it may be time we called in that debt of gratitude," said Python.
(A/N: Whew! Herr Cannon is finally behind bars, where he belongs! Sorry I made this chapter so freaking long, but I was committed to keeping the final battle in one chapter. Don't worry, Chapter 40 will be one of normal length, I promise. Hey, hit the review button and tell me how I'm doing! This story will come to a close yet!)