Welcome back! Eva still has yet to find someone to fight that damn Adamantoise! Maybe Rinoa? Who cares if Rinoa gets killed by a giant turtle?
"Well, what do we have here?" Eva wonders.
"I am Rinoa! I shall kill you!" Rinoa screams.
"Oww! Your high-pitched voice hurts my ears!" Eva shouts while flinching from Rinoa's voice.
"OH THAT'S IT! You're going down bitch!" Rinoa screams.
Battle 1: Rinoa Heartilly VS Eva Sapphire
"So you think you can fight?" Eva taunts.
"DIE BITCH!" Rinoa screams as she gets out her crossbow thing.
"That thing can't kill a Bite Bug!" Eva insults as she breaks the weapon.
"Ahhhhh! Help me Squall!" Rinoa screams.
Squall enters the ring.
"...Whatever." he says as he lops Rinoa's head off.
Eva... er, Squall and Eva are the victors!
"WTF? What a f--kin' boring fight!" Cid says.
"Blood... again.." Aeris whispers.
"Well, it was cool, but short." Barret comments.
"Well, me and Squall killed Rinoa! Now... Selphie's next..." Eva says.
"Nooooo!" Selphie screams as she runs outside and into the night.
"I guess the Adamantoise won't be killing Rinoa then.." Sandra says.
"Oh, I almost forgot! King Leon has left! In his place is none other than... Shelinda!" Kaylee exclaims.
"Shelinda? Why her?" Eva asks.
"She's the only one we could find. And she's cheap." Kaylee says.
:"Cheap? I did NOT need to know that!" Eva exclaims.
"Not that kind of cheap!" Kaylee retorts.
"Anyway, what's the next battle gonna be?" Sandra asks.
"Can I do an interview yet?" Shelinda asks.
",Fine." Eva says.
"Yay!" Shelinda exclaims.
"Maybe she should fight Adamantoise..." Eva whispers.
In the locker room, Shelinda has started an interview with Tidus.
"...and I can whip anyone with my new Excalibur!" Tidus cheers.
"Is it true that it has Break Damage Limit?" Shelinda asks.
"Yeah! Watch this!" Tidus declares.
Tidus chops a bench in half.
"Thank you, Shelinda! Now, let's get the next battle going!" Eva announces.
Battle 2: Squall VS 50 Malboros!
"Sweet zombie Eden on a f--kin' pogo stick!" Squall shouts.
The Malboros advance.
"Gotta junction!" Squall yells.
Squall junctions 100 of each of these: Pain, Confuse, Sleep,Berserk.
20 more Malboros appear for no real reason.
"70 Malboros? Double SZEONFPS!" Squall shouts.
Suddenly, the room turns dark and it starts to rain. (Rain? In a building?) A six-legged horse appears.
"Fool, you delude yourself." Raphael says from the back of Odin's horse.
Raphael and Odin's horse cleave through the 70 Malboros.
"Enough! Die already!" Raphael says as he and the horse disappear.
"...Whatever." Squall says.
Squall (and Raphael) win!
"Why was Raphael on Odin's goddamn horse?" Cid asks.
"How the hell should I know?" Barret replies.
"Those things smelled funny.." Aeris comments.
"Yeah, they smelled so bad that the entire audience puked all over Red again." Cid says.
Indeed, Red is covered with barf yet again.
"Poor Red... oh well! Shelinda's out to lunch now, so we can skip right to the next battle!" Eva announces.
"But first, a word from our sponsor!" Sandra exclaims.
Kunlun Bamboo: It ain't made of poo.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Kilik! Oh crap! I'm dead!
Kilik chases a man around town with his Kunlun Bamboo stick.
"Is it me, or our sponsors getting weirder?" Eva asks.
"It ain't you.." Sandra says.
Battle 3: Rad, Lavian, and Alicia VS Gafgarion, Golbez, and Kefka
"Wheeeeeeee! I had my coffeeeeeeeeeee!" Lavian sings.
"Lavian! Leave the singing to me! I'm the fuggin' Bard!" Rad says.
"OKEYDOKEY! ME WANNA DANCE WITH CLOWN-MAN!" Lavian shouts.
"ACK, NO! Get the fugg away from me!" Kefka screams.
"Gaffy... you're pathetic." Alicia says.
"WHAT? How dare you... Master of all swords! Cut ener... hey! Gimme back my fuggin' sword!" Gafgarion shouts.
"I LIKE SWORDS!" Lavian shouts.
"She's been reading '8-bit Theatre' again." Alicia realizes.
"What? No one pays attention to me?" Golbez asks and promptly gets pelted with 1000 tomatoes. "Ewwwwww! Tomato goo! Screw you all!"
Golbez leaves and gets ripped apart by Sephiroth on his way out.
"Na nana nanana na nana na nanana!" Rad sings.
"Coolies! He sounds like me!" Yuna says from the audience.
Lavian kicks Gafgarion in the groin.
"Oopsie!" she exclaims.
Rad shoves his harp up Kefka's ass.
"AY CARUMBA!" Kefka yells.
Alicia kicks Gafgarion out of the ring and out the window.
"I'm blasting off again!" he screams.
Kefka uses a Smoke Bomb and escapes.
Rad, Alicia, and Lavian are the victors.
"Cool! Blood, shovin' things up someone's ass! It's all there!" Cid comments.
"Yeah! Though, a couple of bullets woulda been nice!" Barret says.
"Will we see Kefka again?" Aeris wonders.
"Will we see Kefka again.. ? Of course we will, Aeris! He'll be back for revenge!" Eva announces.
"Oh look, tonight's final battle is a good one!" Sandra exclaims.
Battle 4: Gunner Yuna VS Selphie Tilmitt
"Got you, bitch.." Yuna taunts.
"Noooooooo!" Selphie screams as she runs around.
"You're mine!" Yuna shouts.
"Nooooo! Doomtrain! I choose you!" Selphie calls.
Doomtrain whizzes past. Yuna is unaffected.
"What? You're supposed to royally fugged up!" Selphie whines.
"...Ribbon. Now... you want it slow? Or you want it fast?" Yuna asks.
Yuna uses Pot Shot, On The Level, and Scatterburst. Selphie manages to whack Yuna hard (What an attack! Selphie can DO that?).
"Oww! Poopie! Time for Plan B!" Yuna says.
Yuna equips a 'Cat Nip' and blows Selphie away with her 9999 Trigger Happy!
Yuna is the victor!
"Yuna! You looked great!" Brother comments.
"Wow! Bloody match!" Barret exclaims.
"Cool!" Cid says.
"I wonder if Vincent could do that.." Aers says.
"Well, that's all for tonight! We'll c ya later! Byebye!" Eva announces.
To Be Continued...
Credits:
Me, you, and somebody's dog named Boo.
Well, what d'ya want?
"BRGGGGGGGAAAGHH!" Bowser roars.
"RGGGGH!" the Adamantoise growls.
HEY! Maybe Bowser could fight it! They're both overgrown turtles!