Once again, Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.
The Dance of the Chocobos: Zolom's Revenge and Turkish Delight
Anyways, before I was so rudely interrupted, the voices in the dilusional mans head scream, "Don't drink it! It's poison!" So the dilusional man, who, by the way, has the mental capacity of a brick, kinda sits there and drools over the "poison", which he swiftly downs. After a few moments, he falls to the floor and...
Hey, hold on. My dad's calling me. I'll be right back.
Like I said in the last chapter, it was unfortunate for the poor little black chocobo (which Crystal so lovingly named Vinnie, after her shijun Vincent) that they'd run into the Midgar Zolom, because, as you may know, the freakin' thing just keeps coming back!#$)#$&! As of late, Angael has been trying to explain how she and Crystal had arrived in Gaia... Gaia? Was that right? What IS the name of their planet?
Angael: You know, Red, it's really very complicated.
Red XIII has the portal remote in his paws (which is, at the moment, in a frizzled crisp, one of the reasons Angael and Crystal haven't returned home yet).
Red XIII: You probably shouldn't play with forces you know nothing about.
Angael: Well, Crystal knows all about it. She's the one who made it.
Red XIII looks over to Crystal, who is riding the black chocobo with Cloud, muttering random things about how Cloud smells pretty.
Red XIII: Are you serious?
Angael: Yup.
Red XIII: Remind me not to touch it. I'm very afraid.
Angael: I thought the Son of Seto feared nothing?
Red XIII: SETO? glare How do you know of that wastrel?
Angael: Uh... Crystal? Red's giving me "the look" again...
Crystal: You said the "S" word, didn't you?
Angael: Maybe.
Crystal: Don't mention it until after his "special quest", okay?
Angael: K. Hey, what's a wastrel?
Crystal: OH! He said wastrel? I LOVE it when he says that!
Angael: ¬.¬ ...
Midgar Zolom: RRRRRRROOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRR!
The Midgar Zolom knocks Cloud and Crystal off the chocobo, along with all the boxes, then eats the bird in one gulp.
Crystal: VINNIE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO::sobsobsob:
Angael: Oh, don't worry. You'll get to see the real Vincent soon.
Crystal: Yeah, as in not for another 30 hours of game play!
Barret: …Game play? You two are a buncha foos.
Angael: True... wait a minute…
Crystal takes one of her boxes and opens it up. The rotting, putrid stench of rotten eggs invades the other's nostrils as Crystal takes one after another from the box and hurls them at the unsuspecting Zolom. The Midgar Zolom, completely covered in the stinky, smelly goo, retreats, leaving behind a multiplicity of gil and other assorted items. When Cloud goes to pick them up, Crystal smacks his hand.
Crystal: That's my gil. If I have the finishing blow, I get the stash.
Cloud: But we need the money for weapons and armor and materia and inns and food and accessories and items and...
Crystal: Let's put it this way: Either I get the cash for weapon upgrades for myself, or you have to put up with the stench of rotten eggs for the rest of your stupid little journey!
Cloud: Woah... moody... You win.
Angael: That's right. We need better weapons.
Cloud: What are YOU using right now?
Angael: Plates.
Cloud and Red XIII: X.X;
Crystal: Actually, I'm able to use guns, hairpins, and archery stuff... But where we come from, that's super expensive.
Angael: I prefer using swords.
Crystal whispers over to Red XIII.
Crystal: Just watch out. She has little to no control over where she swings a blade.
Cloud: Well, I suppose I could let Angael have one of my swords for now...
A little blue text box appears that says: Angael recieved "Blunt Edge"!
Red XIII: I'm willing to give up one of my hairpins, if it will keep Crystal from using decomposing foods.
Another little blue text box appears that says: Crystal recieved "Braided Hair Extentions"!
Angael and Crystal: Whoopie!
After a few more miles across the Marshes, of which they didn't even see a trace of that damn Zolom, they come across the entrance to the Mythril Mines. Everyone runs forward when they see their friend the Zolom, who is still very smelly, impaled on a stake. At the bottom of it is a small note written in the Zolom's own blood. It says: Dear ShinRa imbeciles, That's right. I killed it. Oh, and to whomever made the monster smell so horrid: I like your style. Sincerely, The Great Sephiroth... ;D (That's right, ladies and gents. Sephy-sama signed with a little face.)
Cloud: Did Sephiroth... do this...?
Angael: That's what it says.
Tifa: Amazing...
Angael: No it's not! It's nasty! But he must be so strong... :swoon:
Everyone else except Crystal, who's making one of those cute Chichiri faces while examining the carcass, sweatdrops.
Aerith: Our enemy is someone that could do this...?
After finding their way through a small maze of mine shafts, they see a pair of classy looking people in lovely blue suits.
Rude: Just a second!
Crystal: Where did you get your suits? Armani?
Rude: No, actually... ShinRa hires personal tailors.
Crystal: I wanna be in a quasi-evil syndicate, too!
Rude tosses her a little blue tube. Rolled up inside is an application form for the Turks.
Crystal: Crystal happy!
Tifa: Who are you?
Rude: Do you know who I am?
Tifa starts to get a little annoyed.
Tifa: If I knew who you were, I wouldn't have asked!
Cloud: From the Turks, right?
Rude: Well if you know, this won't take long. It's difficult to explain what the Turks do...
Crystal: No it's not. You do all of the President's dirty work.
Cloud: Shhh! Kidnapping, right?
Rude: To put it negatively... you could say that. ...But, that's not all there is to it, anymore. ...
There's a long pause where Rude kind of looks around, then down at his feet.
Rude: ...
Elena: Sir! It's all right, Rude! I know you don't like speeches, so don't force it!
Rude: ...Then Elena, explain.
Elena: I'm the newest member of the Turks, Elena. Thanks to what you did to Reno...
Crystal: RENO!
Elena: Yes, Reno.
Crystal: I could just cuddle that cute little lush...
Everyone else: O.O;
Elena: O... kay... sweat I'll tell him you said that.
Crystal: Ah, don't bother. I'm still hooked up on "The Bullet".
Elena::gasp: You knew "The Bullet"?
Crystal: Vincent, right? Sure, know all about him!
Elena and Crystal go off nearby and sit down to discuss Vincent over some tea.
Elena: I heard he went AWOL. For the Turks now, we can only hope to someday be like him.
Crystal: Well, watch out. Try not to mess with Hojo, and you should be fine.
Rude: ...ELENA!
Elena: Oh, sorry. Um, here. This is my PHS number. We'll exchange some more gossip later, ok?
A little blue text box appears that says: Crystal recieved "Elena's Personal Gossip Line Number"!
Elena: Anyways, thanks to what you did to Reno, we're short of people. ...Although, because of that, I got promoted to the Turks... In any case, our job is to find out where Sephiroth is headed. And to try to stop you every step of the way. Sorry, Miss Crystal.
Crystal holds up her hand to stop her.
Crystal: Don't worry about it. Just doin' your job.
Elena's brow furrows.
Elena: Wait a minute, it's the other way around. You're the ones that are getting in our way.
Tseng appears from the entrance. Elena suddenly gets all glossy-eyed and wipes a bit of saliva away from her mouth.
Tseng: ...Elena. You talk too much.
Elena: Mr. Tseng? So sorry, all my years as a lowly secretary...
Tseng: No need to tell them about our orders.
Elena: Sorry... Tseng.
Tseng: I thought I gave you other orders. Now go. Don't forget to file your report.
Elena: Oh! Right!
She clicks her heels. Meanwhile, during this embarrassing conversation, Cloud and the others are sitting around on their behinds, yawning.
Elena: Very well, Rude and I will go after Sephiroth, who's heading for Junon Harbor!
Cloud's eyes brighten up.
Cloud: Sephiroth!
Tseng: ...Elena. You don't seem to understand.
Elena: Oh! I'm, I'm sorry...
Tseng: ...Go. Don't let Sephiroth get away.
Rude and Elena: Yessir!
After some fairly klutzy climbing, because rock climbing isn't easy when you're wearing fancy dress shoes, Rude turns back to Cloud.
Rude: ...Reno said he wanted to see you after the injuries you gave him healed. He wants to show his affection for you all... with a new weapon.
Crystal::drool: Hee hee...
Rude: ...Not like that! I think you need to keep your little friend here on a leash.
Tseng steps forward as Rude runs out the exit. He looks over at Aerith.
Tseng: Well, then... Aerith. Long time no see. Looks like you got away from ShinRa for a while, now that Sephiroth reappeared.
Angael: WAIT one second! Just as I thought! No matter how hard we try to screw up the script, it still follows the written path!
Tseng looks over at Cloud.
Tseng: Script?
Cloud: Don't ask.
Angael runs off to grab one of Crystal's boxes.
Angael: Maybe if I did...THIS!
She throws the lid open and starts to pelt Tseng with rotten eggs.
Tseng: BLAAAARRRFFFRRGHRFGH!
Aerith: Oh, come on, Angael. Let the man speak! Tee hee!
Angael: Oh, alright.
She drops her rotten eggs.
Aerith: Anyways, so what are you saying? That I should be grateful to Sephiroth?
Tseng: Yuck... uh, no... Well, I won't be seeing too much of you... man, this smells... so take care... Oh God, I can't breathe...!
Aerith: ...strange, hearing that from you.
Tseng: Well then, stay out of ShinRa's way.
He glares at Angael.
Tseng: Especially YOU!
Angael: Aww, you're no fun!
Crystal sneaks up behind Aerith and squeezes a small spot on the back of her neck.
Cloud: W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING!
Crystal: Chinese Truth Pressure Point!
Aerith: Wait, Tseng!
Tseng: What?
Aerith: I know you've always wanted sleep with me!
Tseng: W-what...are... you, uh... talking about?
Aerith: I've always wanted to sleep with you, too! It's something about a tall, dark, handsome man... :sigh:
Tseng: Aerith, you should get some sleep.
Tseng leaves, and Aerith is left on her knees crying about how she's always wanted to feel his soft, warm, savory lips upon her unworthy ones. Suddenly, she stops crying and looks around.
Aerith: What just happened?
Cloud: Come on, Aerith. Let's go. We've got quite a walk to Junon.
And so, they leave, the rest of the rotten eggs strapped to Red XIII's back, since they couldn't take the chocobo through the mines.
WOOHOOH! I'm so very proud of this chapter! Please R&R! Chapter five will be coming soon, but thanks to you probably won't see it until about a day after I post it. Oh poo! A special thank you to Little Chiba, who provided an excellent script for me to work with. By the way, this is not an MSTing.