Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.
The Dance of the Chocobos: Break From Insanity for Insanity, the Temporary Port-a-Person, and Junon Dirty Jokes
Another little bitty on the two characters, Crystal and Angael. If you need a song to match with their personalities, here you go: Crystal: Midi Maxi and Efti "Bad Bad Boys" Angael: Enrique Iglesias "Don't Turn Off the Lights". You should download these songs. They're great. Here's a thought. Cloud sounds like Len when he sings "Steal My Sunshine" Bwa ha ha ha!
The evil little clones, being evil, decide to take over the world, or at least this local bar, city, county... whatever. So these little clones, who seem to be practicing their multiplication tables, as there are now hundreds of them, form little army ranks. There they stand, poised and alert, singing their marching song (One Winged Angel), when suddenly...
Um... can you wait? I gotta go pee...
Crystal looks directly at the screen, drawing in a sharp breath, then holds a microphone up to her mouth and screams into it.
Crystal::mongo loud: IS THIS THING ON!
The screen flickers and snows up momentarily. After a few seconds of nothingness, where a slight banging sound can be heard, it focuses back on to Crystal, swaying violently until it comes to a slow stop.
Crystal: Damn thing better be working now... Anyways, this is the ninth installment of my weekly documentary on me, the illusive creature known more simply as "the crazy brunette girl." This is the story of my life. This week's episode: count down to sexy men! So far, our sexy men sightings are up to only two this week. Cloud, of course, is the first. That's right, fans! As of now, this week, the only other sexy man spotted is Tseng, who, just yesterday, met with an unfortunate end á la rotten egg.
Cloud runs up and peers over her shoulder.
Cloud: Which wasn't really an end. He's alive and well.
Crystal: That is, ladies and gents, alive. Not entirely well. He smells. Bad.
Cloud: VERY bad.
Crystal: That's right.
Cloud: Hello, whoever's watching this. I COME IN PEACE!
Crystal: Oh yeah! For all my friends who said I couldn't do it, here's the proof! Cloud Strife, proof that I made it to another dimension safely! I can't say the same for Angael, though...
The camera swivels, past a momentary shot of Junon, to Angael, who's chasing around a random Sephiroth clone on his way to Nevilheim, who just happened to be in the vicinity.
Angael: Come back here, Number 12! Take me to Sephy-sama!
Clone: Re...union...
Angael: H-hey!
The camera turns back to Crystal and Cloud.
Crystal: Earlier yesterday, Vinnie, my chocobo, was eaten by a rather pissy little Zolom. But my boxes were spared. So I still have my "special invention." Heh heh heh...
She hold up an odd looking, yet supremely light weighted, blue bag. On it is scrawled (rather sloppily) "Infispace 3000".
Crystal: This bag holds infinite items in infinite space that can be pulled out at will, hereby overriding the 200 materia limit. Plus, it weighs next to nothing!
Suddenly, a behemoth runs across the field and crushes the camera. Cloud and Crystal look at each other.
Crystal: That's okay. I keep spores in my bag.
And if you think I just meant "spares", than you don't know me very well, do you?
Cloud: With all that space, why didn't you just bring proper weapons, etc.?
Crystal: …::hack cough:
Cloud: What?
Crystal: Plot holes... revealed... Can't breathe...! Must... talk like... this...! ...A-ack...!
Cloud: Aah! I'm sorry! Breathe!
Crystal: Blargh...::drool:
Crystal turns blue and falls over. Cloud stands over her body.
Cloud: Oh my God, I think I killed her...
Crystal: Eww... I fell into that behemoth's poo... :sobsobsob: MY LIFE SUCKS!
Cloud: Ah ha ha ha!
He's rolling on the floor laughing out loud (that was all the people who don't know what rotflol means). Meanwhile, over with Angael, the Sephiroth clone has stopped to take a break. Hey, even evil little clones have to rest, ya know.
Clone: Sephiroth...
Angael: Yes! Now we're getting somewhere!
Suddenly, the clone's face morphs into Sephiroth's face. Sephiroth, wherever he is, is communicating with Angael through his clone.
Sephiroth: Who are you to disturb my clone's journey?
Angael: Sephy!
Angael plants her face against the clone's morphed mouth.
Sephiroth: …!
Angael backs off after a moment.
Sephiroth: W-what...
Angael::smile: A kiss.
Angael hands him a thimble. Woo, Peter Pan style romanceness in the fieldy!
Sephiroth: W-WOMAN!
Angael: Yes, love?
Sephiroth: I wish not to see your face again. You shall be the first assimilated into my being once I find the Promised Land.
Angael: Does that mean we're going to have sex?
Sephiroth: ...somebody shoot me. Go join my fan club or something. Use your fangirly energy for something other than pursuing me.
Angael::fuming: ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!
She glares daggers at Sephiroth/Number 12.
Sephiroth: Urg... Make it to Nevilheim, and we shall make love... err... upon the desk in the basement of the ShinRa mansion. But only if you bring me... 50 tissues, 2 1/32 inch soldiers, a copy of Dio's combat diary, 30 false Masamune blades, and...
Notice that the only item you can get before you see Sephiroth in Nevilheim is the 1/32 inch soldiers. Yes, Sephiroth already knows this.
Angael: And...?
Sephiroth: A Philly cheese steak.
Angael: Ok.
Sephiroth: With EXTRA cheese. Then we'll see about sleeping together.
Angael: WHOOPIE!
She grabs the clone and hugs it close just as it's returning to normal.
Angael: Aww... darn.
Elsewhere, Yuffie is doodling in the dirt.
Yuffie: I'm so bored. CAN WE GO TO JUNON NOW?
So, while Angael is furiously trying to shove the clone into the Infispace bag, and Crystal is running around screaming about behemoth poo, and Cloud is rolling around on the ground, near to peeing his pants, Yuffie is standing around, taking in the scene before her, taping her foot impatiently.
Yuffie: Maybe coming with these guys wasn't such a great idea...
A few hours later, in Junon...
Cloud: What happened to this town? It's so run-down...
Crystal: According to my calculations, the pollution from the above military base, including pollutants from exhaust, oil, and abnormal atmospheric conditions due to increased temperature from the overheating of various machinery, has caused accelerated discomposure and decomposition of the surrounding areas. For other such deterioration, please see Midgar.
Everyone else: ...O.O;
Yuffie: Where the heck did you get so smart?
Aerith: Perhaps she's an Ancient, too, and the planet is telling her these things! Tee hee!
Tifa: Or MAYBE she just looked around and started using fancy words.
Crystal: Tifa, you shouldn't be so cross. Cloud doesn't like cross women.
Tifa: Oh yeah? How would you know?
Crystal: I've asked him. You two should have a good heart to heart. He's really a sensitive guy.
Cloud::nod:
Tifa::tear: All this time I thought that Cloud liked strong women...
Random person in town: Wow, now this is rare. We almost never have anyone other than the ShinRa people visit this town.
Angael: Well, technically, we all are from ShinRa. Or at least closely related. See, Barret helped ShinRa set up a reactor in his home town, Yuffie lives in an occupied area, where her father is the chief, Red XIII is an ex-experiment, Aerith is highly wanted by ShinRa for Hojo-style breeding, Tifa accompanied Sephiroth on a mission when she was younger...
Tifa's phone rings.
Tifa: Tifa's Professional Adult's Only Escort Service. Thank you for pressing my buttons! Tifa speaking. How may I direct your call?
Crystal::snark: Woo... dirty!
Angael: Cloud here is an ex-SOLDIER, Crystal is on a manhunt for an AWOL Turks and is a candidate for them, and I'm madly in love with SOLDIER First Class General Sephiroth.
Random person: Ever since... ShinRa built that city up above during the war, ...ugh, ugh.
He starts hip thrusting for some reason. The random man happens to be Corneo's much thinner cousin.
Random person: There's been no fish in the water! It got so polluted... phew...
Barret::whispering: Wuz he talking about the ocean or his sperm?
Soldier by the elevator::yelling: This city saved your ass, so you better watch yourself, old man!
Cloud: What kind of place is this?
Another random person: Who are you people? Where did you come from?
Cloud: Did you see a man with a black cape?
Angael: Technically, charcoal grey leather trench coat with large bone shoulder guards, a pair of charcoal grey leather trousers, and silver trimmed charcoal grey knee high boots.
Random person: Hmm... I've never seen that feller before.
Soldier by the elevator: HEY! This is ShinRa, Inc.'s elevator. Don't be snooping around here!
Cloud begins to walk into the weapons store.
Crystal: No. It's just not worth it at this point. Come on. Let's eat.
They headed over to a gate, leaned against it, and Crystal handed out some food from her Infispace bag.
:snark: I wrote chapter six before I finished chapter five. Haa haa... Many thanks, once again, to UyoniRaze X, who so kindly asked for me to use the useless items, which makes them useful, which means there are no useless items, which means that I can't give her thanks because there were no useless items in the first place::huff huff: Thank you, UyoniRaze X. Other readers should be more like you.