Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul. And yet another long chapter.
The Dance of the Chocobos: Heidegger's Horseradish
Oh yeah! He's the next Great Conqueror of the World! Uh...
...what had I been saying?
Cloud finds himself at the end of an alley. Down the street a few blocks, the soldiers are marching in rank down the street in their military procession. The captain is urging Cloud to sneak into the lines.
Cloud: Nope.
Captain: Get in there, or I'll have you demoted!
Cloud: FINE::sniff: Meanie...
Cloud runs into the ranks, a little worse for wear. Meanwhile, up above, TV announcers are rating the performance.
TV Producer: What the hell was that soldier doing?
AD: I don't know.
TV Producer: Are the points up?
AD: Well, it's so-so.
TV Producer: Hmm... Better send that soldier something. Maybe a bomb...
If you do poorly, they actually say that! X.X; Anyways, after the parade, Cloud receives a lovely package with some armor, potions, ethers, and grenades in it. After a while, Cloud makes his way to a large paved platform under the tram. There's other soldiers there, too, and Cloud joins in their formation. Rufus and Heidegger are talking nearby.
Tweedle Dee: Good! We made it.
Tweedle Dumb: Oh! President Rufus!
Captain: Hey! Line up and shut up.
Cloud::mumbling: Yes, sir, Captain Badass...
Tweedle Dip: Don't make a move!
Cloud and the others stand still.
Rufus: How's the job?
He steps away from Heidegger momentarily.
Rufus: What happened to the Airship?
Heidegger: We're not quite sure, but there's a weird paint smell coming from the Chocobo Stable, and strange giggling coming from somewhere down below. We think it's haunted.
Rufus: I don't care about that. Why else?
Heidegger: Well, the long range airship is still being prepared. It should be ready in about three more days. Gya haa haa!
Rufus: Even the Air Force's Gelnika?
Heidegger: ...Gya haa haa!
Rufus moves back towards him.
Rufus: Stop that stupid horselaugh!
Heidegger looks around hungrily.
Heidegger::thinking: Horseradish? Where there's horseradish, there's food! Gya haa haa!
Rufus: Things are different than when father was in charge.
Slowly, Heidegger stops laughing.
Heidegger: Gya...
Rufus: Is the ship ready?
Heidegger: Yes Sir, we'll get it ready quickly.
Rufus steps up the platform onto the tram, but trips over the last step. Heidegger stands there laughing.
Heidegger: Gya haa haa! Gya haa haa! Gya haa haa!
Rufus: Shut up, you fat horse!
Heidegger::mumbling: I'll eat you...
Bwa ha ha ha! I'll be smiling for weeks about that one...
Director: Oh, shut up.
The tram pulls away. Meanwhile, from somewhere near by, about thirty feet up, sitting on the top of the Sister Ray, is Angael and Crystal.
Angael: I like Heidegger. He's funny.
Crystal: He reminds me of Fat Bastard.
Angael: I kinda feel sorry for him. He can't help that he laughs like a horse.
Crystal::as Heidegger: Gya haa haa! Gya haa haa! Gya haa haa!
Meanwhile, back down below, Heidegger has stopped laughing.
Heidegger: Hmm... must be an echo.
The soldiers move away as Heidegger runs forward...
...right smack into Cloud. He smacks him around a bit before following the tram.
Cloud: Owww... ya big... MEANIE::sniff:
Tweedle Dee: What a disaster.
Tweedle Dumb: Heidegger was really irritated...
Captain: The man in the Black Cape's been roaming the city, but we can't find him.
Cloud: Man in the Black Cape? More like man in the Black Trenchcoat.
Captain: He showed up two or three days ago, and killed a few of our soldiers.
Tweedle Dip: He disappered right after that. There's a rumor going around that it was Sephiroth.
Cloud: Sephiroth!
Meanwhile, back above...
Angael and Crystal: Sephiroth!
Angael: Let's go find him!
Crystal: Yeah!
Sephiroth: You don't have to. I'm right here.
Crystal and Angael both leap at him with such bravado that it smacks of Black Mage leaping at Fighter from 8-Bit.
Sephiroth: ARGH!
Angael: SEPHY-SAMA! Give me a ki-iss!
Crystal: Me tooooooo!
Angael: NO! HE'S MINE! YOU'VE GOT VINCENT!
She leaps upon her.
Sephiroth::sigh: Ladies, ladies... There's enough of the Great Sephiroth to go around. I'm more than either of you can handle by yourself.
Crystal: See, this is why I like Vincent more. He's humble. He doesn't even think himself worthy of love.
Sephiroth: Love Vincent more...?
Angael: Vincent's nothing in comparison to my SEPHY!
Crystal: You lie like a rug!
Sephiroth: A woman thinks someone else is better than I. This Vincent shall die.
Crystal glares at him.
Sephiroth: Tell me where to find this man!
Crystal: NEVER, YOU FIEND!
Sephiroth smiles sweetly.
Sephiroth: I'll give you a kiss.
Angael's jaw drops.
Angael: I'll tell you!
Crystal pushes her off the side of the Sister Ray. Moments later, thousands of feet below, a large splash is heard.
Sephiroth: Well?
Crystal: Not for a trillion dollars!
Sephiroth: How 'bout I make you my right hand woman?
Jenova's voice: SEPHIROTH!
Sephiroth: Well, besides my mother, of course...
Lucrecia's voice: SEPHIROTH!
Sephiroth: And that weird chick I keep seeing in my dreams...
Captain Kirk's voice: SEPHIROTH!
Sephiroth: And Captain Kirk, 'cuz he rulz.
Crystal: How many right hands do you HAVE?
Sephiroth: As Bizarro Sephiroth? Just enough to add you.
Crystal: No way.
Sephiroth: Than you shall perish.
Angael appears behind him, dripping wet.
Angael: SEPHY!
She leaps upon him.
Sephiroth: Grah!
He pushes her off and disappears.
Crystal: Come back! He was mean, but that's all part of his charm...
Angael: I see we're going to have a bit of conflict here.
Meanwhile, at the port, Sephiroth, who has just appeared, is trying to sneak onto the ship.
Sephiroth: Okay... If I can just make it up to that porthole...
Crystal: SEPHIROTH!
Sephiroth: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
He falls over. Angael peers over him.
Sephiroth: HOW DID YOU GET HERE SO FAST!
Crystal: We hopped into the Time/Space tear you created when you warped.
Crickets: Kree... kree... kree...
Sephiroth: What do you two want?
Angael: To help.
Sephiroth: You can help me by going away. I have to sneak past those guards.
Crystal: Why don't you just levitate across the ocean?
Sephiroth: Because I won't have a chance to kill people. Duh.
Crystal: Oh...
Angael: Do me a favor and get in that crate. Crystal, you go get the others.
Sephiroth: What others?
Angael: Do as I say!
She pushes him in the crate.
Sephiroth: H-hey!
Angael climbs in after him. Crystal looks around the corner and taps on the shoulder of one of the soldiers with boobs.
Aerith: Wha...?
Crystal: If you guys don't want to look suspicious, then do some work. Follow me.
They all go back to where the crate is.
Crystal: Angael and I couldn't find uniforms, so we're going to get in that crate. Just start loading the ship.
She climbs in. In order not to give his position away, they clasp their hands over his mouth. Meanwhile, back outside, Aerith, Barret, Red XIII, and Tifa are hauling the crate onto the ship.
Red XIII: This crate seems a bit heavy for there to only be two girls in it.
Angael::muffled: I heard that!
Tifa: It's as though there's another person in there!
Barret flexes his muscles.
Barret: I ain't havin' no problem.
Tifa rolls her eyes.
Tifa: I wouldn't expect so.
Aerith: Tee hee!
Ah hah... Sooo... anyways... Cloud is still wandering around back below the Sister Ray.
Captain: Attention! Dismissed!
The other soldiers leave their positions, except for Cloud. Another different captain walks up to him.
Captain: Hey! Hey you! You messing with the army?
Cloud: What if I am?
Cloud gives him this tough look.
Captain: H-hey, I'm just following my orders... :sniff: Ya don't gotta be so mean.
Cloud: Well, if you wanna do your job well, you'd better toughen up. Now, lets try that again. WHAT IF I AM?
Captain: Ahh... :tear: Don't yell at meeeee!
Cloud: ¬.¬ Okay, let's try this one more time. This time, try to be mean. Ahh... I know! When you respond, say something that would make you cry if you were in my place.
Captain::sniff: O-okay...
Cloud: What if I am?
Captain: You're too lazy! No break for you! Get over here!... Gee, that felt great.
Cloud: See?
Captain: Shut up, you stupid grunt! How dare you mess with the army! Come with me, pronto!
Cloud: O.O W-what?
Captain: MOVE!
They make their way over into the locker room. When they get there, the new captain leaves, and the one from before talks to Cloud.
Captain: This is the military, soldier! Your orders for today are to send off President Rufus at the dock! I'll keep drilling you until it's time!
The two soldiers from before open the door and walk in.
Tweedle Dee: I'll help, sir!
Tweedle Dumb: Me too, sir!
Captain: All right! Line up in order and show me your final pose! Today's command is formation! Remember it! Ready? Junon Military Send Off, BEGIN!
A little blue text box appears that says: Press the buttons in order with what the captain says!
Captain: Square!
Cloud: Huh? Wait! I don't know how to square dance!
Captain: Right!
Cloud turns to the right.
Cloud: Well, at least I got that one...
Captain: Circle!
Cloud: STOP!
Captain: What now?
Cloud: What ARE you talking about?
Captain: Press the buttons!
Cloud: Dude... buttons? That's as crazy as Crystal's "walking into people" thing!
Captain: All right! Now you try it! Just do what the other soldiers do!
Cloud does the drill with them.
Captain: So you got it?
Cloud: Not yet.
They do it again.
Captain: So you got it?
Cloud: Not yet.
They do it again.
Captain: So you got it?
Cloud: Not yet.
They do it again.
Captain: So you got it?
Cloud: Not yet.
They do it again.
Captain: So you got it?
Cloud: Not yet.
They do it again.
Captain: So you got it?
Cloud: Not yet.
Captain: Too bad!
Cloud: Aah... I've got it.
Captain: All right! Don't mess up during the real thing!
Tweedle Dee: Commander! What's today's special pose? Are we gonna moon him again?
Captain: Hmm... yes, I liked that one a lot... But Heidegger doesn't seem to approve. When I told him moon, he thought I said Moonpie, and man! Was he ever surprised...
Cloud: You know, I bet things would have been different if Crystal and Angael hadn't appeared...
Ha ha ha... He is soooooo right.
Tweedle Dumb: So what will it be, sir?
Captain: Huh? ...I haven't decided yet. All right, rookie! I'll let you decide! Show me your best move!
Cloud: Let's see... My best move is...
He wraps his arm around Tweedle Dee's shoulder.
Cloud: Hey, baby...
Cloud! Not that kind of move! No wonder you don't currently have a girlfriend. I'm sure Aerith and Tifa would think the same if they saw you now... Tsk... How sad...
Captain: Get serious, soldier! When you win a battle, what do you do?
Cloud: Aah!
He spins his gun.
Tweedle Dee: Woo-----ow! I didn't know you cared::sigh:
Cloud: ...
Tweedle Dumb: That's awesome!
Captain: All right! We'll go with that as today's special! Practice it!
Tweedle Dee: Yes sir::whisper: I'll see you later, cutie.
Cloud: Eww...
Tweedle Dumb: Yes sir!
Captain: Well then! Meet at the dock! Don't be late! Attention! Dismissed!
Cloud and the others head towards the dock, but before he gets there, Tweedle Dee pulls Cloud into an alley.
Tweedle Dee: Hey.
Cloud: Listen, I'm not into guys...
Tweedle Dee: Really? That's great!
He pulls off his mask, revealing beautiful, cascading hair. He then steps out of the uniform and unwraps some bandages that were suppressing her boobs.
Cloud: Wha... :drool:
She tickles him under the chin.
Tweedle Dee: So here's the skinny. My name is Scarlet, and I'm doing under cover reconnaissance work to find out where Sephiroth is. If you work your hips right, I could get you promoted. What's your goal, soldier::smile:
Cloud: Sc-Scarlet?
Scarlet: Yes?
Cloud::gulp:
Meanwhile, back on the dock, the others are still loading crates onto the ship, but the one Sephiroth is in has already been loaded.
Sephiroth::twitch:
Crystal: What's wrong?
Sephiroth: I sense essence of Scarlet.
Angael: Scarlet?
Crystal: Whee! I LOVE Scarlet! She's cool!
Sephiroth: You're the only one who thinks so. I have an irrepressible urge. I must go.
Angael: Go and what?
Sephiroth: Splatter Scarlet on the street.
Angael::sigh: How poetic...
Crystal: But you're NOT going anywhere!
Sephiroth: And why not?
Angael: Because you have to be on this ship. If you're late, there won't be any reason to cross the ocean. And I want to play at the Gold Saucer and see Cid!
Crystal starts crying.
Crystal: And I want to see Vincent!
Sephiroth: Well, I'm going, and you can't stop me.
He whips out Masamune, but in an enclosed space, he swings improperly, and accidentally cuts off a small, teeny tiny, incey wincey iota lock of Crystal's hair.
Crystal::squeak:
Angael: Uh oh...
Sephiroth: O.O; Uh... sorry?
Crystal::mongo loud: BOOOOOOOOOMMMM!
Sephiroth: O.O What do I do! What do I do!
Angael: Pray.
Outside of the box, the others are sitting down for a break when they see one particularly large box rumbling around. Back with Cloud...
Cloud: LEGGO! LEGGO! I WANT MY MOMMY!
Scarlet: You can't escape, sugar! Kya haa haa!
Suddenly, her phone rings. She answers it.
Scarlet: Scarlet, head of Weapons Development Division here... Oh, Hi, Rude. What?...NOW! ...Oh, fine... Yes, I'll be there.
She hangs up.
Scarlet: Sorry, sweet cheeks. I've gotta go. Here.
She hands Cloud a slip of paper. A little blue text box appears that says: Cloud recieved "Scarlet's Personal Hotline Number"!
Scarlet: Gimme a ring sometime, babe.
Cloud: Augh...
Scarlet runs off, and Cloud crumples up the piece of paper. A little blue text box appears that says: Cloud lost "Scarlet's Personal Hotline Number"! Cloud makes his way back towards the dock. On his way, he spots Rude walking down the street, a fresh scratch mark across his face. Cloud, curious, stops to talk to him. He salutes.
Cloud: Sir! May I ask what happened, sir?
Rude: ...the wrath of Scarlet.
Cloud continues on towards the dock. When he arrives, he stands in formation with the other troops.
Captain: All right, it's time!
Tweedle Dumb: Hey, where's our other soldier?
Cloud: No comment.
Captain: President Rufus... has now arrived! Ten... HUT!
A pair of sliding doors open and Rufus and Heidegger step through, looking quite official, well, except for the smudge of BBQ on Heidegger's uniform... Horseradish. Gya haa haa!
Captain: This is it! Junon Military Reception--! Do it right--- Do it with enthusiasm...! Ready...!
Cloud readies himself.
Captain: SQUARE! RIGHT! CIRCLE! TRIANGLE! LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! TRIANGLE! CANCEL! CANCEL! SQUARE! RIGHT! CIRCLE! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... SPECIAL POSE!
Screen music: Dah dah dah dah da dum dah dah dummmm!
Bad impression of end of battle music! Da dum... CHHH!
Rufus::sigh: Same as always... Well done. Keep up the good work for ShinRa, Inc.
Heidegger: Gya haa ha...! Here's a special bonus for you! A token of the President's kindness! Don't forget it!
Cloud receives a random accessory. No one really cares... I think it's a pair of goggles and some motion sickness pills and patches. Rufus makes his way onto the boat.
Rufus: Once the word gets out that Sephiroth's here, Cloud and his friends will show up, too.
Heidegger: We'll crush them as soon as we find them!
Rufus turns.
Rufus: We can't have them get in our way.
Cloud rolls his eyes.
Heidegger: Leave it up to me, sir! Gya haa ha!
Rufus: I thought I told you to stop that stupid laugh...
He walks onto the boat.
Heidegger: Gya...
Of all my lines, I like Heidegger's the best. Especially when all he says is "Gya..." Anyways, Heidegger gets angry and shakes his fist, then runs onto the boat behind Rufus.
Captain: All right! Dismissed!
The other two soldiers speak with one another.
Tweedle Dumb: That was close.
Tweedle Dip: Heidegger's been really edgy lately.
Tweedle Dumb: Because Hojo disappeared, leaving a letter of resignation.
HE'S ONLY 30 FREAKIN' YEARS TOO LATE! #$&#)!
Tweedle Dip: Heidegger's been forced to take care of that investigation, too.
The captain runs towards them.
Captain: Hey--! I thought you were dismissed.
The two soldiers run off.
Captain: We've got some cleaning to do! Hurry up!
Cloud: And I thought I wouldn't have to clean after I moved out of my mom's house...
The captain follows his troops. Cloud runs onto the boat.
Cloud's voice: We'll cross the ocean, to the new continent. ...even if we are wearing ShinRa's uniforms...
Outside the city, the ship leaves the Junon harbor and begins its long trek towards Costa del Sol. Meanwhile, somewhere on the boat, Crystal is sitting in a dark corner, singing to herself.
Crystal::singing: Match maker, match maker, make me a match. Find me a find, catch me a catch... Bwa ha ha ha! Here I come, Vincent!
Gya... That took a long time! I had basically no material to work with here, folks, so I had to do quite a bit of... improvising. Actually, as you could tell, I ended up making one of the captain's gay and the other emotionally disturbed... It wasn't easy. :raises a glass of chaimpagne: Here's to Heidegger!