Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.
Gah! Trying to cram the entire boat ride into one chapter could be hazardous to my health. Let's see what happens. This is, yet again, a LONG chapter. Sorry, most of the beginning is only text jokes. There's not a lot of action to deal with.
The Dance of the Chocobos: Giving BIRTH; Jenova goes "Augh!"
So, Sephiroth simply wouldn't take this kind of back talk, being the next Great Conqueror of the World, so he took the bartender by the hair and led her into the kitchen. He soon emerged, a smug expression on his face. By this time, the delusional man had regained his senses, and took note that the bartender was missing, so he turned to Sephiroth and asked, "Where's the big-breasted woman who serves drinks?" Sephiroth chuckled to himself softly and said, "Roach patrol!"
Heh heh heh... Whaddya think? Look for a new joke on the next continent!
So... anyways... ; Lessee... Where were we? Oh yes... So the ship is crossing the ocean, and at present, it's about a fourth of the way through the journey. Cloud's running around aimlessly, AS USUAL... He's running around talking to random people. Kinda like in Junon!
Soldier: I'm workin' hard already, and you still want me to do more? The new President's probably the same. He's just gonna order us around anyway.
Cloud: I didn't tell you to do anything...
He walks around, looking for someone else to talk to. For a while, he gets lost in a maze of boxes.
Cloud: Oooh... an ELIXIR... Yeah! Yeah yeah!
He starts to dance around. And... I'm not sure if you can really find an elixir... ¬.¬;
:dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance TRIP:
Cloud::bleed:
Eventually, he comes upon another soldier.
Soldier: Um... It's me, Aerith.
Cloud: I know. You're the one with medium boobs.
Aerith: Tee hee!
Cloud: ¬.¬; :sweat:
Aerith: Hey, Cloud. Did you see the airship at Junon?
Cloud: ...I heard it was big, but I didn't expect it to be THAT big.
Angael yells from somewhere far off.
Angael: THAT'S BECAUSE CID MADE IT! HE DOES EVERYTHING BIG!
Aerith: Tee hee! That was REALLY something. Hey, do you think I could get on it?
Cloud: I'd take you if it was safe, but... I dunno... It's a ShinRa weapon. We probably should've destroyed it.
Aerith: ...Hmm. But just once, I'd like to ride it. Just once, I'd like to ride that airship.
You know, that sentence would make a good end to a chapter... Very poetic... Angael yells towards them again.
Angael: WE WOULDN'T HAVE LET YOU DESTROY IT!
Cloud talks to another soldier.
Soldier: It won't do any good trying to stop me!
Cloud: No! Don't jump overboard! YOUR LIFE IS STILL WORTH LIVING!
Soldier: You need to stop drinking happy juice.
Cloud looks to his hand and hides a near-empty bottle.
Soldier: All right! I'm going to show the new President what I'm made of!
Cloud: ...you're going to strip for him?
Soldier: Stay - off - the - juice!
Cloud: Geez! Alright!
Cloud runs off to talk to another soldier.
Soldier: Hey, get to work! Both the new President Rufus and Heidegger are aboard this ship! If we do good, we could get promoted! Mmm... Rufus... I'd LOVE to be his right hand man...
Cloud goes off to talk to another soldier.
Tifa: Yes sir! Everything quiet, sir! ...But, you know what? I really hate this uniform. Uniforms, soldiers, war.
Cloud::thinking: Bras, Sephiroth, everything...
Tifa continues.
Tifa: I hate 'em all. They take away the things and people you love... I wish they'd all disappear. Right, Cloud?
Heh heh heh... When in doubt, be mean.
Cloud: I don't know...
Tifa: ...Cloud. Wearing those clothes seems to have changed you a little.
Sephiroth mumbles from a nearby crate.
Sephiroth: He should change more often. I can smell him from here.
Tifa: Does it remind you of being in SOLDIER? I hope not...
Cloud walks away and notices Yuffie speaking with a sailor. Yuffie is a lovely shade of green.
Sailor: Hey! What's wrong, kid? You got no pep! A seaman's gotta have umph!
Yuffie turns to him grumpily.
Yuffie: Yeah? Well, you practically live on a ship, only coming onto shore to sleep with a few women every now and then, so of course you've got pep... :hurk:
Sailor: Well, I can tell from your voice you're a girl, so perhaps I could show you another way to get rid of sea-sickness. :purrr:
Yuffie: Aaaahh... :sweat:
The sailor grabs her butt.
Yuffie: ... :blush: S-stop it...
Sailor: Awww... come on, honey.
He licks his lips.
Yuffie: YOU SICKO!
She throws him over the side of the ship. Someone from the crows nest yells, "Male chauvinist overboard!"
After the sailor is brought back on board, Cloud speaks with him.
Sailor: How 'bout you, kid? How're you feeling?
Cloud: OH no. You're not gonna flirt with ME. Leave me alone.
Sailor: Sheesh! Fine... Come back if you need anything.
Meanwhile, up in the crow's nest...
Crystal: Arr, matey! Nothin' but the sweet salty ocean as far at ye eye can see! Arr!
Angael: Thank you, Captain Kook.
Crystal: That's CAPTAIN Kook to you, matey! ARR!
Angael: ¬.¬;
Crystal: Poor Cloud. Ever since we got here, his journey's been too strange for words.
Angael: You just put it into words.
Crystal: Oh. Ah... Batten down the hatches! Raise the main sail!
Angael: This is a steam powered ship. There aren't any sails.
Crystal: Mutiny, eh? Arr, I'll have yer head walkin' the plank by the time the North Star rises!
Polly: Squawk! Have yer head!
Angael: Shoo! Shoo!
The bird flies away.
Crystal: POLLY? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
At the same time, down in one of the crates, although not the one Sephy- sama is in, a strange hooded figure sits in the shadows.
Shadow: Soon, Cloud. Soon.
Cloud makes his way towards a rather eager looking soldier.
Soldier: Oh man, we're almost to Costa del Sol. When I get there, I'm going to take a long overdue vacation. Maybe I'll go down to the beach and get a tan...
Cloud: What's the point of getting a tan if no one will ever see it? Your uniform covers your entire body.
The soldier begins to tremble.
Soldier::sniff: You're mean! You shouldn't ruin people's dreams like that!
Cloud: Why don't you take a vacation to... ah...
Disembodied voice: Gold Saucer.
Cloud: The Gold Saucer?
Soldier::sniff: I don't have enough money.
Cloud: Here. Happy birthday.
A little blue text box appears that says: Cloud gave the soldier 5000 Gil! Cloud's accuracy improved!
Soldier::sniff: T-thank you::huggle:
Cloud: S'allright... :huggled:
Cloud approaches another soldier who seems to be having trouble walking.
Cloud: Hey, it takes a while to get your sea legs. Why don't you try standing still for a while?
Red XIII: ... ...It's me. Red XIII. I'm a little woozy, but I shouldn't get caught. Humans only look at appearances anyway.
Cloud: Hey!
Red XIII: Anyway you look at it, I'd say I make a fine human being. It's pretty hard standing on two feet...
Cloud: Is that why you hate humans? Because we have no trouble walking on two feet?
Red XIII: ...maybe...
Cloud then makes his way downstairs.
Aerith: Hey, Cloud, did you see Barret? I hope he's not doing anything stupid...
Cloud: The only way he's not doing anything funny is if he's dead.
Cloud goes back up on deck and spots Barret who's dressed as a sailor.
Cloud: Popeye?
Barret: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Look, Cloud. It's Rufus and Heidegger. They're this close but we can't do a thing to 'em... Ummmmmm... Gmmmmmm...
Cloud::thinking: I can't believe I'm actually sitting by Popeye! My IDOL! Maybe I should ask for his autograph...
Barret: How can he... Goin' off laughin' like that? Didn't Rufus tell 'im to stop the horselaugh?
Cloud::thinking: I'm so excited! I have to concentrate on not peeing in my pants!
He pulls out paper and a pen.
Barret: Because of him, Biggs... Wedge... Jessie...! Gggggggh... Ggggh...! Ggggggggghhh!
Cloud: Mr. Popeye? C-can I have your autograph?
Barret: Foo! It's me! Barret!
He runs off and starts to shake, clenching his fists.
Cloud: Look, I'm sorry! It was an honest mistake!
Barret: God! I can't take it anymore! I'm gonna settle things here and now...
Cloud: I'm really sorry! DON'T HURT ME!
He's suddenly rear-ended by a twelve-year old.
Girl: CLOUD!
Cloud: If you tell me that you're Priscilla's big sister, I'm going to have to kill you.
Girl: No, silly!
Suddenly, up in the crow's nest, Crystal goes stiff.
Crystal: Angael...
Angael: What?
Crystal: Please excuse me. I just heard an oddly familiar voice...
She peers over the side of the grate and spots the girl.
Crystal: KKKKAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Cloud: Aaahh! My ears!
Girl: Uh oh...
Crystal: HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET ONTO THIS SHIP! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO THIS DIMENTION? GET OFFA CLOUD RIGHT NOW OR I'LL BE FORCED TO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC!
Cloud: You know Crystal?
Katie: She's my half sister.
Cloud goes pale.
Cloud: Oh... shit.
Crystal jumps down and starts to strangle Katie (think Bart and Homer).
Crystal: Answer me! Depending on what you say will determine weather or not I let you live!
Katie: I snuck into your Infispace bag...!
Crystal: KKKKAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
She releases her strangle hold on her.
Katie: I'm sorry!
Crystal turns blue and falls over.
Katie: Oops. O.O;
Cloud: Crystal? Crystal?
Katie puffs up.
Katie: Hey! Pay attention to the cute little twelve-year-old!
Angael: Katie, get back in the bag. We'll deal with you later.
Crystal: twitch Had things been different... Had we discovered her earlier, we could have left her at the Chocobo Stables, or Ft. Condor, where we'd eventually see her later! But from here on out, the only place we'll be visiting more than once is the Gold Saucer!
She starts to smack her forehead.
Crystal: And :smack: I :smack: don't :smack: trust :smack: her :smack: around :smack: rides :smack: by :smack: herself... :whine: I don't wanna baby sit her... IDON'TWANNAIDON'TWANNAIDON'TWANNAIDON'TWANNAIDON'TWANNA!
She starts to smack her head against the floor.
Katie: I'll be good! I'll just hang in your bag, and only come out every now and then! Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?
She flutters her eyes at Cloud.
Cloud: Gah... cuteness invading... brain... Must...re.sis...t... Aack!
Crystal: Fine! But you can only come out when I say you can! And you're not to interfere with battles, not to talk to anyone, not to let anyone know that I'm your sister, not to eat or drink inside the bag, not to leave a trail of mess wherever you go...
About an hour later...
Crystal: And finally, are not to try and remove the tracking collar I'm about to put on you.
Katie: O-kay.
Crystal: NOW LOOK, IF YOU DON'T... huh?
Katie: I said, "O-kay."
Crystal: You don't even mind sharing a room with Aerith?
Katie: Well, she won't be in it forever, right?
Crystal: Hmm... Alright. You can come with us... I'll even let you come out during battles on occasion, but only as a limit break!
A little blue text box appears that says: Crystal gained second level one limit "Here's Katie"!
Katie: Okay then! Let's go!
Crystal: One more thing!
Uncle from Jackie Chan Adventures.
Crystal: You are under no conditions to interfere with my pursuing of Vincent, capice?
Katie: F-I-N-E.
Crystal: All right, get in the bag.
She does so. Suddenly, an alarm blares.
Captain: Emergency alert! Reports of a suspicious character found! Those not on detail, search the ship. Report when found! I repeat. Suspicious character found on board! Those not on detail, search the ship. Report when found!
Barret: Damn, did they find us? Hey, that don't seem like us. Do they mean... Tifa and the others?
Crystal smacks him.
Crystal: YOU, young man, are to watch your language from now on!
Barret: Shu'up, foo!
Katie::muffled: I like that guy.
Crystal: Muffled comments are not welcome.
Katie: You never said I couldn't when we made our agreement. Ha ha...
Barret turns to Cloud.
Barret: Get off your spikey butt and let's go, Cloud!
Katie::muffled: Cloud's got a spikey butt? I wanna see!
Barret, Angael, Cloud, and Crystal run onto the main deck. Everyone else is there waiting.
Tifa: Everyone all right?
Cloud: Tifa, picture this: Pocket-size version of Crystal with amazing Cloud-clinging action!
Tifa: Huh?
Katie pops out of Crystal's backpack.
Katie: Nice to meet you all.
Crystal: GET back in there!
She ducks back inside.
Yuffie: I feel sorry for you, Crystal.
Barret: You all right?
Aerith: Huh?
Red XIII: Aerith, where did you place your brain?
Aerith: Tee hee!
Tifa: Everyone's here... right?
Barret: Hey, wait. You don't think that suspicious character is...
Everyone except Angael and Crystal: Sephiroth?
Crystal and Angael look at eachother.
Crystal and Angael: ¬.¬;
Cloud: What's wrong with you two?
Crystal: N-nothing...
Angael: Nothing at all...
Yuffie: Heh... that means there's something going on.
They both look at their feet.
Cloud: So, Sephiroth, huh...
Tifa: Really?
Barret: How the hell am I supposed to know?
Yuffie: Someone should go look.
Cloud: ...Let's find out.
Red XIII: It's the most logical thing to do. Then, who's going to go?
Cloud: Hmm... Crystal, Angael, Aerith, and me. Yuffie, you stage backup.
They climb out of their uniforms into their regular clothes. Everyone notices that Crystal and Angael are now wearing different outfits. Crystal is wearing a pair of baggy gray pants with a studded belt, a pair of white sneakers, an armguard (basically, a detached sleeve. You can see them in Avril Lavigne's music video "Complicated"), a white midriff top, an olive green army vest, a camo headband, and her hairs in a very messy ponytail. Angael is wearing a pair of baggy orange pants with black tennis shoes, a rather menacing looking glove, a black teeshirt, a black trenchcoat, and a messy bun. Why do I spend so much time on describing these two?
Cloud: ...Sephiroth...
Angael::gloating: Sephiroth!
Crystal::crying: Sephiroth!
Angael::squealing: Sephy-sama!
Crystal::cooing: Sephybaby...
Angael: ...what did you call him?
Crystal: The Great Sephiroth?
Angael: That's what I thought.
Cloud: ...All right, let's go!
They start their way down to the boiler room. Little Chiba puts this well: Dead or dying people are strewn all over. Cloud tries to talk to one of them.
Soldier: ...the Engine Room... a suspicious... character... No... there's no way... that... not a human... That thing's not human...
Actually, the Sephiroth you see up until you see him in Northern Crater is more of a projection of Sephiroth through his mother (same as the Clone- morphing theory of Sephiroth/Mortal World communication), so essentially, it's Sephiroth communicating through Jenova morphed to look like Sephiroth. So it's Sephiroth, but inside his mom. That's why you always fight pieces of Jenova instead of Sephiroth himself. Aren't I smart? For the sake of story continuity, we'll say that it's actually Sephiroth… But, yes. The soldier was right. That thing isn't human. It's a space virus. (For all you playing the Final Fantasy VII drinking game, yes. A conspiracy has just been revealed. Please take a swig of your grape juice.) So anyways, down in the boiler room, they spot the captain standing in front of the furnace.
Cloud: Is it... Sephiroth?
Angael: Sephiroth would never lower himself to our lowly level by dressing as an officer to sneak on board. He'd probably hide in a crate and wait out his... com...ing...
Crystal glares at her.
Angael::sweat: ...
The captain turns around, then falls over onto the floor in a bloody heap.
Cloud: No... not Sephiroth!
Mysterious voice: ...After a long sleep... ..In that STUPID crate...
Everyone looks around to find out who, what, and where the voice is coming from.
Mysterious voice: ...the time... ...time has... come... to stretch...
The mysterious vioce groans.
Aerith: Look, Cloud!
Sephiroth emerges from where the captain stood only moments ago.
Cloud: Sephiroth! You're alive!
Sephiroth: ...Who are you?
Cloud: You don't remember me? I'm Cloud!
Sephiroth: Cloud... Hmm... they told me about you...
Cloud: Sephiroth! What are you thinking? What are you doing?
Sephiroth: ...the time... is now...
Suddenly, a lawyer appears.
Lawyer: Uh, sir? The copyright owners of Star Trek have ordered you to stop this meaningless imitation of Captain Kirk, effective as of now.
His head gets chopped off.
Sephiroth: ...all the back pain... of being in... that crate...
Cloud: What are you saying? Be more...
Sephiroth hovers above the ground, then flies into Cloud, knocking them down, then tries to fly upward, but gets caught by Angael, who begins to huggle him as the battle with Jenova-BIRTH begins.
Angael::huggle:
Sephiroth: Go mom! Go::huggled:
Jenova-BIRTH smacks Crystal with one of it's tentacles.
Crystal: Woo hoo! Limit break! MORPH SHIVA!
Katie: muffled No! Use me!
Crystal transforms into the Final Fantasy X version of Shiva.
Cloud: WOO::drool:
Shiva: Hee hee...
She raises her hand toward Jenova, spins around, and hits her with the metal rings in her hair.
9999 damage!
Jenova: WAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Cloud and Aerith: O.O;
Sephiroth: Why do you think they call her Jenova-BIRTH? She's just a baby in this form. :huggled:
Jenova: BOTTLE!
Sephiroth: ¬.¬; Ah hah... :huggled:
Angael::huggle huggle:
Cloud slashes at her with his sword.
435 damage!
Jenova: BOO BOO! WAAAAAHH!
She takes Aerith by the hair and shoves her in her mouth.
Jenova: Num nums!
Aerith: ANYTHING BUT TEETHING!
Shiva: Freeze.
She freezes Jenova in an ice coffin.
7834 damage!
Cloud: Wooo! Pretty ice lady is so powerful.
Shiva speaks to him in a creamy, yet sharply cold voice.
Shiva: The good thing is that I have the ability to use any limit from any of the four levels without that level being allocated. Hee hee...
Aerith falls to the floor with a thud.
145 damage to Aerith!
She then uses her limit break, Seal Evil, which is useless against Jenova.
Immune!
Aerith: Oops! Tee hee!
Yuffie runs in for a split second and steals from Jenova-BIRTH.
Yuffie: Woo HOO! A RIBBON!
She does a little dance.
:dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance TRIP:
232 damage on Yuffie!
Angael takes the final blow. She runs up, still huggling Sephiroth with her left arm, and slashes Jenova across with her Blunt Edge.
1 damage!
After the battle, all that's left is a pulsating tentacle.
Crystal: Inspiration!
She pulls out her laptop.
Angael: No tentacle hentai!
Crystal: Aww...
She puts her laptop away.
Tifa: I've seen this somewhere... before.
Cloud bends over, and Katie pokes her head out of the bag to stare at his butt for a few minutes.
Cloud: ...Jenova. The arm of Jenova.
Crystal pulls out a pair of glasses and slips them up her nose.
Crystal: Actually, it cannot be fully labled as an "arm". If you would draw your attention to the fact that it has no jointed elbow, and no appendages of any sort...
Yuffie: So... it's a tentacle. Can I keep it as a pet?
Crystal throws her a disgusted look... and Yuffie catches it.
Aerith: Jenova... With this thing?
Crystal: Not WITH that thing... IS that thing.
Sephiroth: LEMME GO::huggled:
Angael::huggle:
Both the tentacle and Sephiroth disappear.
Cloud: So it WAS Sephiroth.
Everyone looks at Cloud like he's stupid.
Tifa: He said something about it being time for something.
Crystal: Tea, perhaps.
Angael: MORE HUGGLING!
Yuffie: A materia hunt!
Everyone looks at Yuffie.
Yuffie: What?
Cloud: ...Time...is now?
Aerith: Hmmm... I don't get it. Hey, Cloud. Can you explain it to us?
Cloud: I'll try, but don't interrupt me while I'm explaining.
He walks a few feet away, dramatically.
Cloud: Sephiroth...
Angael: SEPHIROTH!
Cloud: Don't interrupt. Sephiroth went off searching for the Promised Land, so he could become the ruler of the planet... That was 5 years ago. Then Sephiroth...
Angael: SEPHIROTH?
Cloud: Don't interrupt! Then Sephiroth came back and killed President ShinRa.
He turns.
Cloud: And then just now all of us saw Sephiroth.
He turns to Angael, who has just opened her mouth to squeal Sephiroth's name.
Cloud: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT INTERRUPTING ME! He was carrying Jenova with him.
Or so he thinks. Read Jenova Morphing theory above.
Cloud: ...This much I do know. He told me he wants to go to the Promised Land with his mother, Jenova. ...I guess that's about it.
A voice comes over the intercom.
Voice: Dock workers-- We will be docking in Costa del Sol in 5 minutes. Prepare for docking.
Of course, in lapsed game time, it's more like twenty seconds. Those dock workers better hurry their bitmaps up...
Aerith: Maybe we shouldn't stay in here anymore...
Everyone but Cloud leaves.
Cloud: Sephiroth... is alive... The Promised Land... Does it really exist...?
More Captain Kirk impressions. Cloud follows the rest of them out.
Woo... tense. As a notice, the characters Angael, Crystal, and Katie are all based on real people. Actually, me, my best friend, and my little sister. Scary, huh? Yes yes yes! More huggling!