Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.
Yeah! The last of Costa del Sol! Now we can go back to fighting bandersnatches! Oh, wait... wrong Final Fantasy... This is short. It's just the beach.
The Dance of the Chocobos: Sand In Your Pants
A Canadian computer nerd (think plumber), flips on the screen. No offence to Canadians. I love Canadians. Oh, Canada...!
Computer nerd: Here ya go... Good as new, eh?
Thank you.
Computer nerd: Don' mention it, eh?
So then the greasy geneticist figures it out! His patented Super Morphin' Power Turky Assassin Guy, or SimpTag, should do the trick! So he went to the graveyard, where there is of course the best storage for all cryogenically frozen material, and pulled out a shovel and began to dig and dig and dig and dig... Until a singing quartet passed by, wearing very snappy suits. One of them was a bald monkey, another was a flamer, another was a robotic arm with a dot on his forehead, and the last was a caffeine monger... Well, grave digging is a federal offense, and this singing quartet just happened to represent the highest authority...
Hey, I'm not telling you who the highest authority is! I'm not about to start a scandal in politics!
Cloud makes his way to the beach with Tifa and Aerith.
Aerith: Oh! Cloud!
Tifa: Look, look at that!
They spot Hojo and his crowd of beautiful ladies.
Cloud: Hm...? That girl in the bikini? Not a bad view...
Tifa rolls her eyes.
Angael: Wait for me! I wanna visit Hojo, too! HOJO! IT'S 1:30 P.M.! DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR SON IS!
Tifa: You'd better watch her! And while your at it, talk to the slime ball!
Break down of programmers script beginning... beep... beep... beep... Cloud makes his way over the hot sand to the lady in the bikini, only to find it's :gasp: his mother!
Scene music: Dun dun DUNNNN!
No... wait... my mistake. She's got a starfish on her head. (No, she's not really like that in the game, so stop asking me!)
Starfish lady: God! What do you want?
Gawd: I want you to talk to the man with the spiky hair!
I prefer not to mess with the wheels of religion, so I sayith not what God Himself would speakith.
Starfish lady: What is it?
Cloud: Is that Hojo?
Starfish lady::robotically: -.- Hojo. Hojo. Hojo.
Cloud: Starfish lady?
The starfish lady slaps herself to snap herself out of it. Cloud notices a number on her hand.
Cloud: "3"? Third times a charm...
Starfish lady: Reu..ni...on...
Cloud: Eek!
Starfish lady: Oh, sorry. :thinking: What's his problem?
Cloud::thinking: What's her problem?
Starfish lady: Bzzt::twitch: Yes, that's right. It's the PROFESSOR!
Scene music::battle won: Bah bababa bah bah ba baba!
The starfish lady turns to Hojo.
Starfish lady: Professor... someone's here to see you, sir.
Hojo: I'm busy doing nothing right now. Go away. I have much research to do.
The starfish lady turns back to Cloud.
Starfish lady: ...but, too bad.
ARG! TYPEY IN THE PROGRAMMERSON I CAN NOTISH! Hey, oops! What if that's how we actually spoke?
Hojo: Oh, I remember you all now. It was a foggy summer night in Midgar. The lights of the city reflected off my window. It was a Saturday. A grim, dreary day of a Saturday. There had been another case for me, just another file to put into the dusty cabinet that sat in the corner of my drab office. That's right. Another murder. Hojo, P.I., was on the job yet again.
Cloud: ó.Ô; What ARE you talking about? It was on a Monday!
Hojo: ¯.¯; Ah... yes, yes. I remember now.
Angael jumps in and starts to strangle him.
Angael: YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH HORRID THINGS TO MY LOVE!
Hojo: ó.Ô; HELP ME!
Cloud waits for a while before stepping in to help.
Cloud: ANGAEL! HEEL!
Angael sits down, throwing an occasional glare at Hojo.
Hojo: It's been a long time, Cloud.
Cloud: Hojo... have you no recollection of time? You just saw one of my associates a small time ago.
I smack Cloud for trying to sound intelligent!
Cloud: OW!#$#!(! What the #(! was that?
Hojo: What, this? Sometimes you just gotta do something like this.
I smack Hojo for trying to sound unintelligent! Hojo starts to flail around trying to catch whatever smacked him. He calms down after a moment.
Cloud: ...What are you doing?
Hojo: It should be obvious. I'm getting a tan.
Cloud: Well, it's not. Men like you can't tan. You only burn.
Hojo::whimper: You are soooo mean!
Cloud: What are you doing outside of ShinRa? ANSWER ME, LEST I GOUGE THINE EYES OUT WITH YON RUSTY BLADE!
Hojo: Hmm! I believe we're both after the same goal.
Cloud: ì.í Miami Dolphins vs. Chicago Bulls.
Hojo: Two different games, bozo.
Cloud: You mean Sephiroth?
Hojo: Why would I call you Sephiroth? More like Shirley.
Cloud: No, I mean you're after Sephiroth?
Angael: I AM!
She starts to huggle a Sephy plushie.
:huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle huggle:
The Sephy plushie turns blue and runs away.
Hojo: Did you see him? I see... Ha! Ha!
Angael: What kind of an evil scientist gloat is that?
Hojo: A better one than you can do.
Angael::ahem: BWA HAA HAA HAAAAA!
Hojo: That's an evil girl laugh. You have to be an evil scientist to do an evil scientist laugh.
Hojo stands up.
Cloud: What is it?
Hojo: Butt cramp. I just remembered a certain photosynthesis...
Angael: You mean "hypothesis".
Hojo: All these thesis's... So little time... Cloud, haven't you ever had the feeling something is calling you?
Cloud: Well, I've got my PHS set to vibrate, but it feels too good to answer...
...O.O;... ... O...kay...
Hojo: Or that you had to visit some place?...
Mah, mah, mah, my sharona! ¬.¬;
Cloud: I'll go anywhere Sephiroth is at!
Angael::perky: Sephiroth?
Cloud: To beat him and put an end to all this!
Angael: I won't let you hurt him!
Cloud: Just who's side are you on?
Angael: I'm with Crystal.
Cloud: What's that supposed to mean?
Angael: Compromise.
Meanwhile, in the town square...
Tifa: You can't have Cloud!
Aerith: I can so! YOU can't have him!
Crystal: How about this... Neither of you can have him. We'll give him to Yuffie!
Aerith and Tifa look at Yuffie with murderous glints in their eyes. Back down on the beach, Hojo is teasing Cloud.
Hojo: I see... This could be interesting.
Starfish lady: Should I get your scientific journal, sir?
Hojo: Yes. And an iced cappuccino.
He turns back to Cloud.
Hojo: Were you in SOLDIER? ...Heh heh heh!
Angael: That's a MUCH better gloat.
Hojo ignores her.
Hojo: Would you like to be my guinea pig?
Crowd of ladies: We will! We will!
Hojo: SHUT UP!
Cloud goes to draw his sword, but when he grasps it by the handle to pull, it gets stuck, and he ends up throwing himself onto Hojo.
Hojo: That was... pathetic.
Cloud: Even heroes have their days!
Tifa and Aerith walk over.
Tifa: Don't kill him. He's not worth the effort.
Hojo: Ha! Ha! Ha!...
Angael: And we're back to square one...
Hojo pushes Cloud off his lap and stands.
Hojo: Say, aren't you the "Antique"?
Aerith: Ancient.
Hojo: Yes, Ancient.
Aerith: Actually, Cetra.
Hojo: I DON'T CARE!
Aerith: I'm Aerith.
Hojo: Don't care.
Aerith: The least you can do is remember my name.
Hojo: Don't care to do so.
Aerith: I want you to tell me something, Professor Hojo...
Hojo: Sorry. I don't do personal favors.
Aerith: I know I'm an Ancient.
Hojo: SMART Ancient.
Aerith: My mother told me.
Hojo: Your mother? Oh, you mean Ifalna. How is she?
Aerith: You didn't know? She died.
Hojo looks away and starts to laugh.
Hojo: ...I see... Well, sorry. That one was probably my fault, too.
Aerith: Professor Hojo...
Hojo: Mojo Hojo.
Aerith: Is Jenova an Ancient?
Hojo: Don't know. Don't care.
Aerith: Is Sephiroth an Ancient?
Hojo: Don't know. Don't care.
Aerith: Do we all have the same blood?
Hojo: Depends. What's your type?
Aerith: BE SERIOUS HERE::SMACK:
Hojo: SMACKED...oooww... :sniff:
Aerith: ANSWER ME!
Hojo: ...mumble...mumble... head west...
Aerith: He's mumbling slowly... That must mean he's hiding something!
Tifa: A Peace Maker!
That's one of Vincent's guns.
Cloud: His lab notes!
Angael: His diseased body!
He sits back down.
Cloud: Yo!
Hojo: ...
Aerith: Helloooooo...
Tifa: Hey! Answer us!
Angael: Are you dead?
Hojo: ...
Cloud: ...It's no use. It's no go. I think his brain's gotten too much UV rays.
Starfish lady: He never takes off his lab coat even in the heat. I guess that's the mark of an intellectual.
Angael: Or a total idiot. Look at those huge sweat marks under his arms!
Tifa: Gross!
Aerith: How does he expect to get a tan with all those layers?
Hojo groupie: I'd be happy to be a guinea pig, if it's for Professor Hojo!
Angael: We know. We know.
Cloud wanders down into the water.
Swimming guy: Yipes! Help::huff huff:
Cloud: Can you swim?
Swimming guy: Kind of takes your breath away, don't it?
Cloud: Drowning? Sure does.
Meanwhile, Angael is talking to a lady laying in the sun.
Hoochie mama: If you're headed for Mt. Corel, then you'd better buy some "soft".
Angael: But you don't reach monsters with that ability until you get to Gongaga. Besides, I already have some lotion, thanks.
Hoochie mama: At least that's what they always say, don't they? "Be prepared, and you'll never fear."
Angael: How do you prepare for... :dramatic pause: BUGS!
Hoochie mama: Buy a very large mallet. Hey, I'm no idiot. I NEVER count my chickens before they hatch! Pretty good, huh?
Angael: Yeah, that's a good piece of advice, even though it has generally NOTHING to do with buying a "soft".
Somewhere along the shore, Cloud is still talking to the swimming man when none other than the Bottomswell pops up.
Swimming man: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
He begins to drown. The Bottomswell grabs him and tosses him to shore.
Swimming man::huff huff huff:
Cloud: What do you want?
Bottomswell: I want you to give thomething to your brunette friend.
Cloud: Which one?
If you hadn't noticed, all the main females in the game are brunettes. I'm a brunette. I think it's one of the reasons I like the game so much. The main girl isn't blonde. EAT THAT, MISS POPULAR BLONDE CHICK! We brunettes are making a comeback!
Bottomswell: The one with brown eyeth.
Ò.Ó For your information, Tifa has RED eyes. So that means Vincent's eyes are perfectly natural.
Cloud: Oh... What is it?
Bottomswell: A thing. Jutht give it to her.
The Bottomswell hands him a box. A little blue text box appears that says: Cloud recieved "Salt Water Taffy"!
Cloud: ¬.¬ Figures.
Sephiroth walks by wearing his swimming trunks. Millions of otaku faint! Ahh... including me.
Okay, I'm better now.
Cloud: Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: WHAT?
Cloud draws his sword.
Cloud: Fight me!
Sephiroth: Leave me alone. I'm on vacation.
Cloud: YOUR DEATH DOES NOT GO ON VACATION!
Sephiroth: My death may not, but I do, so go away.
Cloud: Grr...
Angael: SEPHERS!
Sephiroth: Gah? NO!
Hey, have you ever seen a guy run like he's got a stick up his butt? Like Forest Gump? Let's say that's what Sephiroth runs like. Like Cid! YEAH! So Sephiroth starts to scramble around the beach like a Cid Clone running away from Angael!
:scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run scramble run TRIP:
8.8 Sephiroth's shorts fell down!
... :drool:
Angael: ... :drool:
So, after much prying and scraping, where Sephiroth took a moment to pull up his shorts, only to find sand in them, which is uncomfortable for girls enough, so it must be torture for guys, Sephiroth managed to pry Angael from her death lock on his neck and proceeded to run like a bat out of hell away from Costa del Sol. About 15 minutes later, the group is FINALLY making their way out of the town.
YEAH! The end of Costa del Sol has finally arrived! Those were the most boring three chapters I ever thought to deal with! Thank you for your patience. Action is coming up next.