Final Fantasy VII rights Squaresoft does own; I do not. Please RandR, or may Sephiroth take your soul.
Sorry, fans! I got back from my mom's house for the summer (where I wrote the rest of this), and suddenly I had no inspiration to write any more! Plus, my internet access is far more limited here! I have good news for everyone! As you may or may not know, my muse is Yojimbo from FFX (more on my profile page, which you should check out... please ;), and I've been in a slump lately. Well, when in a slump, do some meaningless purchasing, I always say. So I went out and bought the collectors edition Monsters Collection 8.5 inch Youjimbo figurine. All of a sudden, now that my muse is always by my side (and I can unsheathe his sword, which looks like and is called "Masamune" nyee hee hee...) I can write again. Cheers to Yoji-sama! Every time I get mad at my work, I wave his little swords at the computer and I feel better.
The Dance of the Chocobos: Shameless Plugs are Falling
Ah... I got an echo screen. Anyways... The SimpTag reached out and grabbed the Hyper Ninja girl around the neck and tossed her into a nearby corner. He looked around solemnly before grabbing the greasy geneticist and roughing him up a little.
AHH! I'VE BEEN SHOT!
Crystal::typing: Hello again, readers of my exclusive rant page! It's me again, signing in late, not even knowing when this is going to get to all of you! This works Tri-Tech topics: Long haired bishonen, dangerous bishonen, and what makes them so appealing!
Sephiroth: What are you writing?
Crystal: Go away.
Sephiroth: Grr...
He reaches for his Masamune, but finds that it's missing.
Sephiroth: Hey! Where'd it go?
Crystal: I downloaded it onto my computer! I'm letting it wreak havoc on the Yaoi no Miko's web page.
Sephiroth: ...what?
Crystal: Never mind. I've got work to do.
She hands him a piece of paper and a phone number.
Crystal: Here. Call this number and ask for the Lab Gawd.
Sephiroth: …?
Crystal::typing: What is it about long haired bishonen that makes them so delicious...? Is it that way that your fingers trail through their soft locks?
Sephiroth: What's this "dangerous bishonen" thing? No woman is attracted to me because I'm dangerous! Ah'm sexah!
Crystal: You'd be just another character if you didn't have the urge to destroy the world. Oh! I should write that::tappety tappety: It's like chocolate. The darker the personality, the better the taste.
Sephiroth: If that's true, than why do you like this Vincent guy?
Crystal: Because he's an assassin spy ex-Turks who has a thirst for the blood of REVENGE! BWA HA HA HAAAA! Oh, and he's angsty. Girls are attracted to angsty stuff.
Sephiroth: Whut..ever... ¬.¬ No one is sexier than I.
Crystal: Except Vincent.
Sephiroth reaches for his Masamune, but remembers it's gone.
Sephiroth::whiney: ;.; I want my Masamune!
Crystal: Oh, get over it. You keep leaving it everywhere anyways. It's like you magically get new ones. Like you left it in the reactor at Nivelheim, in the ShinRa office building, et cetera, et cetera...
Sephiroth: I think I hate you.
Crystal: Please read this slip of paper very seriously.
She hands it to him.
Sephiroth: Whazzit say? I can't read Romanji.
Crystal: "I'm going to destroy you."
Sephiroth: ì.í...omae o korusu.
Crystal: KAWAII::huggle:
Sephiroth: Not again::huggled:
OO; Ahem, so... the others... are...makin..g their w..ay to...Co..rel... ;
Crystal::smooch smooch smooch:
Sephiroth: Augh::smooched smooched smooched: Go find Vincent, or something!
Crystal: Only Cloud can wake him up. I have to direct my hormones at someone... may as well be you.
Sephiroth::squeak: Help me...
Ah... and the others...are wal.ki...n..g...
Crystal: Can I go down your pants?
Sephiroth: LIKE HELL!
Crystal: Is that a yes?
Sephiroth: HELP! HELP ME! I'M SCREAMING FOR HELP HERE! WHOMEVER SAVES ME WON'T BE ASSIMILATED! SOMEONE::pause: Anyone...::squeak: Nooooo... :tear:
Crystal::huggle:
This next line is shamelessly stolen from Acire Fox's "The Reunion Show". Yes, that was a plug.
Sephiroth: Lord...of...Dark...ness...can't...b..r..e...a...th...e.. ..! huggled
WejointheothersafterthebridgetoCorel::huff huff huff:
Angael::stiffen: I sense something...
Cloud: What?
Angael: Sephiroth hentai.
Cloud: Xþ Ewww...
Angael::tear: Crystal... c'mon! Stop it!
Back with Sephiroth...
Crystal: Touché.
She's been pinned to a wall with staples.
Sephiroth: I knew this pocket stapler would come in handy...
Crystal: Come on... lemme down! It's ruining the fabric of my clothes.
Sephiroth: I'm about to kill you and you're worried about your clothes?
Crystal: Ah made them mahself...
Sephiroth: REALLY? 'Cuz I've got this hole in my pants and I'm thinking I need a new pair...
Crystal: Well, I COULD do that for you, but...
Sephiroth: What?
Crystal: My stuff is in my Infispace bag, and that's with the others, and my little sister lives in it along with Sephy clone number 12.
Sephiroth: ... ...Sephy? oÔ
Yuffie: YAH!
Sephiroth: YAH?
Yuffie rams into Sephiroth, then runs away without saving Crystal.
Crystal: Hey! Wait!
Sephiroth: Well, that was... nor.ma..l... Right. Where was I?
Sephiroth attempts to kill Crystal, but can't seem to.
Sephiroth: Hey! Where'd my "Kill" command materia go?
Crystal::snigger:
Sephiroth: That little bitch!
Crystal: Aha ha ha ha!
Cloud and the others enter Corel just in time to see a miner run up and punch Barret.
Miner: Owww... :sniff: Damn bear...
Different miner: Well, lookey here! Never thought ah'd see your face again.
Yuffie: Country... twang... melting... br..a..i...n... Gah::face fault:
Different miner: They kick ya'll out of another town... or somethin'?
Barret: No... I came here ta laugh at you.
Katie: Um... Barret? If you were born in a mining town where the accent is a country twang... why do you speak in Ebonics?
Barret: Shu'up, foo!
Disembodied voice: Hey, Cloud! Why don't you pull out your sword?
Cloud obeys the voice in his head. He then looses control of his body and starts taking wild swings in no general direction.
Direction: No, no! Over here! OVER HERE, YOU IDIOT!
Miners: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Okay, I know a plushie can't talk, but this is what I'm gonna use when I wanted an absent character to have a line. April pulls out her Vincent plushie and Cid plushie and pulls their voice strings.
Vincent plushie: Let me at them! I'll... EAT THEM!
Cid plushie: Down, boy!
It bonks Vincent on the head.
Vincent plushie: Ow!
That was shamelessly stolen from "Monty Python and the Search For the Holy Grail: FF7 version". Hey! I'm sorry! It was screaming to be used!
Different miner: You destroy everything you touch.
Barret: No, CLOUD destroys everythin' he touches, foo.
Flashback sequence…
Dyne: Okay, Barret. While I'm gone, you baby-sit Marlene. Her food's in the fridge and her diapers are on the changing table. You know where to find the rest.
Barret: Sure.
Dyne: Oh, and Barret?
Barret: Wazzat?
Dyne: When you baby-sit, that doesn't mean you SIT on the child, okay?
End flashback sequence…
Barret: ; Heh... I'm no foo.
April: Watch the player...
Another miner: You got a lot of balls comin' back here!
Yuffie's hand moves to her mouth.
Yuffie::hurk: I didn't need to here that...
Barret: Well, that's none of your business!
Another miner: Look at this place! It's all your fault North Corel turned into a garbage heap!
April: But... in the script it says... North Corel is actually the prison under Gold Saucer!
Everyone else: ...
April: What?
Different miner: Why doncha say something? Or did ya forget what you done here already?
Barret::sigh: ...I'm sorry... but... this ain't North Corel, so I have no clue of why you're pissed off...
Another miner: $#! You ain't even worth the effort.
Crystal and Sephiroth sneak into Corel.
Different miner: Don't waste your time talkin' to the Techno-freak!
Crystal: But... Vincent's the Techno-freak!
Angael: Crystal!
Crystal: Angael!
Angael::growl: I know what you did with Sephiroth!
Crystal: Ah... see ya... la.ter...? BYE!
She grabs Sephiroth by the hand and runs towards the ropeway station.
Angael: OH NO YOU DON'T!
Angael runs after them.
Barret: Yo!
Cloud: COME BACK HERE!
They all run after her. By the time they all get there, they see Sephiroth levitating across the desert with Crystal clutching on to him for dear life. Barret is sulking in a corner.
Barret: You heard 'em... It's my fault this town was... destroyed...
April: And I thought we'd established that this isn't the real North Corel...
They leave Barret to sulk for a while. In the mean time, they go to investigate the town. Cloud goes and talks to a scary man.
Scary man: YOU know who's responsible for North Corel winding up like this!
Cloud: ...who?
Scary man: ¬.¬ You're not very bright, are you?
Cloud: Huh?
Scary man: Go! Run rampant! Be free and multiply!
Cloud: You're weird.
Scary man: Aak::face fault:
Cloud walks into a tent and talks to an old guy who's hunched over. Wow... he's thin... These scary people should eat more.
Old guy: The next train's coming in soon.
Angael: If only he knew.
Old guy: No. Really. I've seen it with my third eye. It will crash into the town. All workers please leave the docking area.
Lady: Grandpa used to be a coal train engineer. He still can't kick his old habits from then.
Red XIII: Perhaps he is psychologically frozen.
Lady: ...huh?
Red XIII: I said...
Lady: AAH! A TALKING LION! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Red XIII::growl: I'M NOT A LION!
Red XIII chases the lady out of the tent. Cloud follows and talks to a junk monger.
Junk monger: Get out of the way!
Cloud: Why? You don't seem to be doing anything important!
Angael smacks Cloud for trying to sound intelligent.
Cloud: HEY NOW!
Angael::singing: Hey now!
Cloud::singing: HEY NOW!
Angael::singing: Hey now! Iko iko...
Yuffie: SILENCE!
Cloud makes his way to the one... the only... JUNK SHOP!
Screen music: Ba baba ba ba ba ba babah!
Shop owner: Please buy something! Anything will do!
Cloud: Show me your wares.
The shop owner motions to something that looks like a, well, pile of metal.
Shop owner: Well, this lovely piece of twisted metal is a... bowling ball! Yeah! That's it!
Cloud: How much?
Shop owner: ...500 gil?
Cloud: Sold!
Shop owner: You can't have a bowling ball without a...
He pulls out a cheap grocery store plastic bag.
Shop owner: Bowling bag!
Cloud: Ooh! Aah! How much?
Shop owner: A steal at only 350 gil!
Cloud: I'll take it!
Shop owner: You can't go bowling without some...
He pulls out torn and tattered tennis shoes.
Shop owner: Bowling shoes!
Cloud: I really shouldn't...
Shop owner: Only 400 gil...
Cloud: I want them!
He pays the shop owner the money.
Shop owner: Before you go, would you be interested in a bowling glove, a bowling shirt, bowling pants, a bowling sweat band, and some...
Angael: Cloud! Get away from there!
Cloud: I WANNA SHOP!
Angael grabs Cloud by the ear and hauls him away.
Shop owner: Pretty lady! Can I interest you in a diamond necklace?
He pulls out a necklace made of white rocks.
Angael: Buzz off, buzz kill!
Cloud sneaks over to the other shop.
Scary shop guy: What do you want?
Cloud: Now is that any way to treat a paying customer? I wanna talk to management!
Scary shop guy: I am management. Listen to my story.
Cloud: Nooo... I don' wanna!
Scary shop guy: Take that road on the left to the Ropeway station!
Cloud: I don' wanna!
Scary shop guy: The Ropeway'll take you to the Gold Saucer. It don't mean much to poor folks though...
Cloud: I guess that means I won't be going.
Scary shop guy: Did you buy something from the other shop?
Cloud: Yeah...
Scary shop guy: Then you're rich.
Cloud: Oh...
April pulls out a sandwich and begins to eat, and ends up wandering over to a guy sitting by himself.
Mr. Unpopular: I hear it's a big fad now in the city to get tattoos. Is that right?
April::munch munch: I wouldn't know... :munch munch:
Mr. Unpopular: Really...? I saw a big "1" on the arm of a young guy heading towards the Ropeway. That Black Cape he had on was really cool.
April::munch munch: So, if you ask ChocoBilly, Cloud, who's 21, is old, yet if we ask you::munch munch: Sephiroth, who's 30, is young. And aren't you only supposed to capitalize proper nouns::munch munch:
Mr. Unpopular: ...what?
April: Black Cape. You capitalized Black Cape. I read it in your dialogue box. :munch munch:
Mr. Unpopular: ...
Cloud: April! Leave the poor man alone!
Cloud and Angael catch up with April. Meanwhile, somewhere in the air between Corel and Gold Saucer, Crystal is scrambling in Sephiroth's grip, trying to wiggle out towards where the others are.
Crystal: Close the plothole! Quick! Before something escapes!
Back with the others...
April: Wanna sandwich?
Cloud: Sure!
Setzer hops out of the plothole.
Setzer: Yaaay!
He pulls out some cards.
Setzer: What do you wanna play?
Everyone: YAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
They all run to the Ropeway Station to escape.
Everyone::huff huff huff:
Aerith: Barret, what happened?
Barret: This Sephiroth guy jumped outta a portal thingy.
Aerith: I mean here.
Barret: Oh. Sorry.
Aerith: Tee hee!
Cloud: Huh? What happened?
Angael: Cloud! Pay attention!
Barret: My hometown used to be around here.
Red XIII: What do you mean, "used to"?
Angael is tapping her foot impatiently.
Angael: It means it was here and now it isn't. LET'S GO!
Barret: Heard it got buried... almost four years.
Angael: Which is how long we're going to be here if we don't go and kick Crystal's... I mean... Sephiroth's ass!
Aerith: But how could those people say those terrible things?
Angael: By opening their mouths and releasing breath. I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER HERE!
Barret: It's my fault. ALL my fault.
Angael: That's right. And the town would be better off if you weren't here. So LET'S GO!
The screen starts to fade to blackness.
Angael: Hey!
April: Where do people go during a flashback sequence?
Angael: We're about to find out...
Old Corel appears.
Barret: Corel was always a coal mining town. It's so dusty, but calm and so poor... a real small town, this one. That's the first time I ever heard the word "Mako reactor" mentioned since that time...
Tifa: Since what time?
Cloud: ...who's a what now?
Now the scene is in a meetinghouse. Lots of people are there, including Barret and Dyne, with Scarlet and two of her henchmen at the door. The village chief makes his way over to Dyne.
Village chief: What are we going to do? The only one against this is Dyne.
Dyne: I am definitely against it, no matter what. There's nothing to talk about if you're thinking of throwing away our coal! Our coal's been protected for generations. Our fathers, and theirs before them, risked their lives for it. We have no right to throw it all away so easily.
Angael: That was just beautiful.
Tifa: Shh! Let Barret finish!
Barret: But listen, Dyne. No one uses coal nowadays. It's a sign of the times.
April: Did Scarlet really look like that back then? How old is she now?
Red XIII: All those skin creams and treatments have locked her face in a state of perpetual youth.
Scarlet: Right, everything is Mako, now. It'll be all right, Dyne. ShinRa, Inc. will guarantee your livelihood once the Mako Reactor is completed.
Angael::like Scarlet: Unless we decide to kill you. Kya ha ha ha!
Aerith: Hush!
Barret: Listen, Dyne. I don't want my wife, Myrna, to suffer anymore.
Dyne slumps over.
Dyne: I know how you feel! I feel the same way too, damn it! But even so, I won't give away our coal mines!
Village chief: Dyne... you've got to understand. They're planning on giving us a million gil and free Mako usage for three years!
April: Wow. We weren't even here back then and we've still affected it.
Dyne looks around, then holds his head and cries. The scene starts to fade out.
Barret: That's how the Corel Reactor was built... and completed. We all thought it would bring us an easier life.
The scene fades to black, then fades in to a scene of total and utter destruction. Various people are dying... No one in particular...
Barret: It happened when Dyne and I were out of town for a few days.
Angael: Where on EARTH would you have been? The coalmines were shut down, so going anywhere was useless.
Barret: We went camping!
Angael: Uh huh.
Barret: Anyways, Corel was burned down by the ShinRa troops. All the townspeople... All my relatives... Everyone... Everything...
Tifa: That really sucks!
Aerith: Barret...
Angael: ì.í Quit living in the past, Wallace!
Cloud: Aw... leave him alone, Angael.
April: Cloud, go back to being a dolt.
Cloud: Who's a what now?
April: That's better.
The scene fades back to the Ropeway Station.
Cloud: Seriously though. ShinRa troops? What for?
Barret: There was an explosion at the reactor. ShinRa blamed the accident on the people. Said it was done by a rebel faction.
April: The only rebel was Dyne, and he was out of town!
Barret: I know that, and you know that, but it didn't matter, because they didn't know that! Grr... Never should have gone along with the building of the reactor.
Tifa: Don't blame yourself. We were all fooled by the promises ShinRa made back then.
Tifa looks down at her breasts.
Tifa: They told me the crème would stop after I stopped using it, but they just... kept... growing.
Barret: That's why... that's why I get so pissed off!
Tifa: Barret, that's so sweet! You mourn my breasts as well!
Barret: Not that! Not only did they take advantage of me... But I lost my wife, Myrna, too...
Meanwhile, in the sky between Corel and Gold Saucer...
Crystal: Let's fly to Nivelheim!
Sephiroth: NO! MUST... KILL!
Suddenly, a rip in the dimension appears in front of them, and Sephiroth almost levitates into it.
Crystal: DAMN PLOT HOLES! If only I had my Infispace bag! WAIT!
She puts her arm into the plot hole. Meanwhile, back with the others, Katie and Yuffie are out of the bag.
Yuffie: I need coffee!
Katie: No you don't!
Yuffie's head turns 360 degrees.
Yuffie: COFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Katie: O.O;;;
Suddenly, a plot hole appears behind Katie, and arm reaches out, grabs the Infispace bag, and retracts into the hole, at which time the tear shuts up.
Katie: What is WITH this place?
Back with Sephiroth...
Crystal: Be sure to play with your plot holes. That's what they're there for.
This has been a message from the end of Chapter 17.
It's been about three months, and I'm sorry, but I had absolutely NO INSPIRATION until I saw Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tonight. I don't know how or why, but I suddenly had a burst of creative energy. Perhaps it's because Lucius Malfoy reminded me of Sephiroth, and Professor Snape reminded me of Hojo. I could cuddle Lucius, even though he's WAY older than me, and not the cutest thing on Earth, he's the hottest guy in Harry Potter. I wonder what Mr. Padfoot is going to look like in the next movie... I've read books one through three... I'm such a nerd...