We Used To Be Friends

Chapter Eighteen

A/N: I'd just like to give out thanks to my loyal readers and reviewers! So...thanks! Enjoy!

Feeling like the world is closing away
Feeling like my dreams will never come to be
I keep on slipping deeper into myself
And I'm scared...so scared

Lucy took a long look at herself in her full-length mirror, thinking about last night.

She walked up to the sink counter to check the test strip. If it was positive, her whole life would be changed. If it was negative, she could go on with her life like nothing happened. Deep inside, she was wishing for the strip to be negative, even though she was sure that not wanting a baby probably made her a horrible person. But she couldn't help what she felt. She definitely wasn't ready for a child. Taking a deep breath, she glanced down at the strip. "Shit." She whispered, closing her eyes. She knew it was a long shot, but maybe when she opened her eyes she would see that the strip was actually negative. Opening her eyes again, she realized that the results hadn't changed. She was pregnant.

Lucy shook off the thoughts of last night and continued looking into the mirror, unconsciously placing her hands on her now-flat stomach. Her mind had been thinking about the situation she was in all night and she came to only one conclusion. She was really stupid. She shouldn't have gone to that party; she shouldn't have let Shelby drag her to that damn party. She didn't want to go; she just wanted to spend the night alone and watching movies, but instead she went to that party. She also shouldn't have left the party alone. That was stupid. It was stupid to think that it would be safe to walk home alone at night like that. She should've just waited the damn fifteen minutes until Midnight when Dave and Shelby could have driven her home. But no, she had to go alone. She should've fought harder, or at all. Thinking back to that night, she realized that she hardly even put up much of a fight. But she should have. She should have made him stop, or maybe she could have run away. Instead, she passively let it happen. Then she decided to pretend it didn't happen. That was beyond stupid. She could and should have prevented this pregnancy. She should have gotten emergency contraception from the hospital or even from a clinic. But of course she didn't because she was too busy being stupid and trying to pretend it never happened. Now she had proof that it had happened. She was now going to have a walking, talking, living reminder that it happened. How could she have let this happen to her? The rage that had been slowly and quietly burning within her for weeks finally reached its' breaking point. Spying her hairbrush on her bed, she picked it up and hurled it across the room at the mirror. "You're so stupid!" She yelled at her reflection as she threw it. Then she picked up books that were on her nightstand. "Why are you so stupid?" She yelled before throwing the books at the mirror. The hairbrush hadn't broken the mirror, but the books did. The books shattered the glass mirror into shards that now littered the carpet. "So stupid." She whispered, falling to the floor. She placed her head on the edge of the bed and started to cry.

Carter had been eating breakfast in the living room when he heard loud crashing noises and shouting coming from Lucy's room. Concerned, he hurried over to her door and knocked. When he didn't get a response, he slowly opened the door and found Lucy sobbing on the floor. Looking around to determine the cause of the crashing noises, he found her smashed mirror. "Lucy? What happened? Are you ok?" He sat down next to her, wondering if she even comprehended that he was with her. Gently placing his hand on her shoulder, he repeated his questions. "Luce, what happened? What's wrong?"

Lucy heard Carter's voice and turned to look at him. Through her watery eyes, she could tell that he was concerned about her. She couldn't blame him because now she was getting concerned about herself too. She threw her arms around him and started crying even harder on his shoulder.

He was surprised by her action. For the past few weeks, she had barely wanted to be in the same room with him and now she was clinging on to him like a life preserver in the middle of the ocean. He wrapped his arms around her and gently stroked her hair, planning his movements carefully so that he didn't scare her away. "Shh, Luce. It's ok. Whatever it is, it's gonna be ok." He whispered into her ear.

She usually believed him when he said everything would be ok, but this time she wasn't sure she could believe him. Everything was so messed up right now. She finally realized that she couldn't keep going on like this. She felt like everything she loved was slowly slipping away from her, and she couldn't even remember the last time she had genuinely smiled or laughed. Everything in her life was falling apart. She was falling apart and, if she didn't do something about it, soon there would be no good left in her life.

He stopped stroking her hair and started rubbing circles into her back in hopes of calming her down. Her intense sobbing would only make her more upset, and if he was going to get her to talk to him he needed her to be calmer.

She noticed that he was rubbing small circles into her back and almost laughed, despite her sobs. He had always known how to get her to feel better. Her mind wanted to wander back into the past to another time when Carter had comforted her, and she decided to let it.

A seven-year old Lucy and Carter rode their bikes around thee neighborhood, laughing and joking with each other. "Hey, wanna race to the end of the street?" Carter asked with a grin. "I bet I could beat you."

Lucy, never one to back down from a challenge, accepted his offer. "You're on. Let's do it."

They both stopped their bikes and lined them up so that no one would have an advantage over the other. "Ok. We'll go at the count of three. One…two…three!" Carter raced off as soon as he said three, leaving Lucy behind.

Lucy pedaled faster, trying to catch up with Carter, but was stopped when she felt herself lose control of her bike. Before she could stop, she was sprawled out on the street with her bike lying on top of her.

Carter reached the end of the street, but noticed that Lucy was nowhere around. Knowing that she should have been right behind him, he raced down the street to find her still laying on the ground with her bike on top of her. "What happened?" He asked as he moved the bike and helped her get back on her feet.

"I don't know." She shook her head. "I think maybe a rock got stuck in my bike."

"Are you ok?" He asked.

She looked down at the arm that had gotten pinned against the ground when she fell. It was bloody, and looked horrible. While she could stand watching others bleed, she couldn't stand watching her own blood. "My arm." She didn't want to start crying in front of Carter, but she knew that she was really close to crying.

He could tell that she was trying not to cry in front of him, although he didn't understand why she should feel uncomfortable about crying in front of him. They had seen each other cry dozens of times. He also knew that she hated seeing herself bleed. He moved closer to her and started rubbing small circles on her back to comfort her. "It will be ok, but we should go back to your house and have your mom look at it."

Lucy looked over at him and gave him a small smile. She was lucky to have someone like him as her best friend. "Yeah, let's go."

If only things were still that simple. After she fell on her bike, she just needed a couple of band-aids. No amount of band-aids was going to help her this time. She could feel herself relax more though as he continued rubbing her back.

He could tell that rubbing her back was working and smiled. It had always worked in the past and he was glad that he could do something to help her. He figured that this was as good of a time as any to start asking a few questions. He decided to start with the easier ones first. "What happened to the mirror?"

"Are you blind? It's obvious I smashed it." Lucy replied softly, a bit of sarcasm gracing her voice. She was starting to calm down and stop crying, but she didn't want to leave the safety of Carter's arms. Something about his embrace made her feel protected and safe.

He chuckled softly noting that at least her sense of humor wasn't gone. "Well I know it's obvious that you smashed it, but why did you smash it?"

She thought for a moment that maybe she could tell him the whole story. Maybe it was time to reveal what happened, but she shook that thought from her head. "It was a stupid mirror that made me look fat." Her lie sounded believable to her, but she doubted Carter would believe it.

"Luce, what's the real reason? You wouldn't get that upset about a mirror. Something's been bothering you for a long time now, but you won't let anyone help you. Why won't you let me in? I can help you. Whatever it is, I can help you."

Lucy took a deep breath and reluctantly pulled away from him. She leaned back against the bed and pulled her knees up to her chest. "You can't help me with this." She said softly.

Her response was said so softly that he almost didn't hear her. But he did, and decided to choose his next words carefully. He was so close to getting her to spill what happened; he was certain of that. But he was also certain that if he made her too mad at him right now, he would blow his chance and she probably would never tell him what was bothering her. So he scooted over and also leaned up against the bed. They sat there in silence for a few minutes as he tried to think of what to say next. He looked over at Lucy, who was deep in thought and concentrating heavily on the carpet. "Will you at least consider telling me what's going on? It doesn't even have to be me. It could be Shelby, Dave, or even a perfect stranger. Just consider letting someone help, please? We're all worried about you and we just want to help you. You never want to leave the apartment, you never want to eat, you're distracted, you have nightmares, and I know that you cry late at night when you think I'm asleep. Something is bothering you and you can't hold it in forever or else it's going to destroy you. It's already destroying you, and it hurts me to see you like this." He paused, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. "You've always been one of the happiest, vibrant people I've ever known, always ready to give a smile or to laugh at my horribly unfunny jokes. Lately though, I've sat back and watched you basically become this zombie. Honestly I don't think you want to be a zombie, but whatever's happened has you incredibly scared and you don't know what to do about it. I understand that. But you can't live your life like this because this isn't living. Right now you're just existing, going from one empty day to another. I'm not saying that confiding in someone will make everything ok, but it would be a positive first step. Will you please consider talking to someone?"

Lucy had picked out a spot on the carpet and was staring intensely at it while Carter was talking. His words spoke to her. It was uncanny how he seemed to know exactly what words to say in order to get through to her. She knew that if she looked at him during his small speech, she would end up spilling her guts to him right now. But part of the reason why she didn't want to tell Carter was the fact that she didn't know how to tell him. How would she explain everything that had happened? What would she say? What should she say? She hadn't told anyone anything about that night and while it was forever burned into her memory, she had never expressed her thoughts about it verbally. What if it came out in a jumbled mess of ramblings? She decided that she needed to practice what she was going to say before she tried telling him anything about it. Without looking at him, she nodded her head. "I'll think about it." She whispered.

He smiled, believing for the first time in weeks that he was actually getting through to her. He scooted closer to her and put his arm around her shoulder. "Thank you."

She felt his arm wrap around her shoulder and immediately scooted closer to him so that she could rest her head on his shoulder. They sat there in silence until Carter had to go to work. After he was gone, Lucy got up and started cleaning up the broken glass. When she was about halfway done she stopped. She had someplace she needed to go.

Song Lyrics: "Troubles" By: Alicia Keys