We Used To Be Friends
Chapter Twenty-Five
A/N: Thanks for the kind reviews. I guess I was just feeling a little insecure:) Enjoy!
When Carter entered the apartment later that evening, he immediately started looking for Lucy. His search didn't take long though because he soon spotted her asleep on the couch. She looked so peaceful that he hoped she was having a good dream. Noticing that her blanket had fallen off the couch, he walked over and gently placed the blanket over her again. Then he kneeled down next to the couch, watching her sleep. He was hungry and as he wandered into the kitchen he paused to wonder if she had eaten yet. Opening up the refrigerator, he found some sliced ham and cheese. Deciding on a sandwich, he gathered the necessary ingredients. He was constructing a sandwich when he heard Lucy scream. He rushed back into the living room to find her sitting on the couch with her head buried in her hands, gasping for air. He went over and sat next to her. Knowing that she must have had another nightmare, he cautiously placed his arm around her shoulder. "Luce? You ok?"
She raised her head up and looked at him, revealing her tear-stained face to him. This latest nightmare had been one of the worst she had experienced. It felt uncharacteristically real and shook her to her core. Not answering his question, she buried herself in his arms and let herself cry.
He wrapped his arms around her, wanting to do anything to make her feel safe. "Ssh, it's ok Lucy. Everything's fine and you're safe here." He stroked her hair and placed a kiss on the top of her head. "It was just a dream and dreams can't hurt you unless you let them."
They stayed that way on the couch for close to a half hour as Lucy collected herself and her thoughts. She didn't mean to fall apart in front of Carter like that yet again, but somehow it just seemed to happen. She finally pulled out of his grasp and wiped the few stray tears from her face. Keeping her gaze locked at the floor, she spoke to him for the first time since she woke up. "Sorry about that."
"You have nothing to be sorry about." Carter told her, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Another nightmare?"
She simply nodded, realizing that she couldn't look up at him right now. If she did, she would most likely see something in his eyes that she didn't want to see. She couldn't stand to see pity in his eyes; she didn't want anyone's pity.
He figured that she didn't want to talk about it right now. So he decided to change the topic. "I was making dinner. Are you hungry?"
She appreciated the fact that he was trying to change the subject and couldn't squelch the tiny grin that formed on her face when he mentioned that he was making dinner. "You're cooking?" She sincerely hoped that he wasn't because she was hungry.
He laughed. "Well, I'm not exactly cooking. I was just going to make sandwiches. Is that ok?"
"That's fine." She smiled, relieved that she wasn't going to have to eat another of his horrible concoctions. "I'm gonna go and splash some water on my face."
"Ok." Carter nodded. "I'll get to work on the sandwiches."
Lucy got up from the couch and made her way into her bathroom. After splashing some cold water on her face, she reached for a towel. When she was done, she stood there for a moment staring at her face. "Pull yourself together Lucy." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Pull yourself together."
About an hour later, Carter and Lucy were doing the dishes that they had been neglecting for the past couple of days. The topics of their conversations throughout dinner had consisted of normal, everyday topics. They had discussed his day at work and any interesting patients, as well as what she had done to occupy her time. But there was still one topic that they were avoiding like the plague. "I'm going to go visit my mom tomorrow." Lucy casually stated out of the blue as she dried the plate in her hand with a towel.
This news surprised him. "You are? Why?"
"I need to tell her about the baby, and besides, I need to get away from this city for awhile." She explained.
"How long are you going to be gone?" He wondered.
"Only a couple of days." She shrugged.
He nodded. Although he didn't want Lucy to leave, he understood that she felt the need to escape from the city. "So you're going to tell your mom about what happened?"
She stopped what she was doing and looked at him. "I'm not telling her about what happened on New Year's Eve if that's what you mean. I'm simply going to tell her about this pregnancy."
"Why are you trying to hide this from everybody? I can understand not telling strangers and the people at the hospital, but why are you hiding it from your own mother? Don't you think that she would like to know what happened to her daughter?" He couldn't understand her rationale for this.
"I don't want her to worry about me." Lucy replied, going back to drying the bowl that was in her hand.
"She's your mother. She's going to worry about you now matter what you tell her." Carter pointed out. "What's the real reason?"
"That is the real reason." Lucy lied.
"I don't believe you." He told her plainly.
She placed the bowl on the counter and closed her eyes, releasing a sigh. She hated that he always seemed to know when she was lying. "Ok fine. You want to know why? I'll tell you." She paused. "I hate watching others look at me with pity. I don't want it, I don't need it, and I just hate it."
"Nobody will pity you." Carter assured her.
She laughed and shook her head. When she raised her eyes to meet with his, she revealed a quiet anger. "You do." She whispered.
"I don't…"
She interrupted him before he could get a full sentence out. "Don't even try to deny it. I've seen it your eyes ever since I told you what happened." She closed her eyes and picked up the bowl that she had dried. Walking across the kitchen to put it away, she continued talking. "It's bad enough to see that look in your eyes. I couldn't handle it coming from more people. That's why I haven't told Shelby, Dave, my mom, or anyone else that knows me well."
He hadn't realized that he was looking at her with pity. He didn't mean to, and if it was bothering her, he would make a consorted effort to quit that. "I didn't realize."
"It's not your fault." She shook her head.
He closed the space between them and enveloped her in an impromptu hug. "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I'm sorry."
"I know." She whispered, enjoying the closeness of his embrace. She was beginning to think that she enjoyed this kind of closeness too much. She was depending on him too much, just another reason to move out soon. She reluctantly pulled away and went back to drying more dishes.
Carter reluctantly also went back to the chore they were taking care of. After a few moments of silence, he spoke again. "So why won't you accept my offer? Is it because you believe that I offered out of pity? 'Cause I didn't."
She sighed, realizing that she was a fool if she thought they could ignore this subject all night. "Do we really have to talk about this right now?"
"Yes, I think we do." He told her. "I need to know why you are so against this."
"You don't know what you'd be getting yourself into. You haven't thought this through enough."
"That's not true. I've thought it through." He assured her.
"No you haven't!" Lucy exclaimed. "You've probably only thought about this for a day, maybe even two or three. Am I right?"
"What difference does that make?" He asked, not seeing the big deal.
"Carter, you've always been the type of person to jump into a decision feet first without thinking the consequences through. I'm sorry but I'm not that kind of person."
"I know that." He nodded. "You're the kind of person who dwells on every single possible bad outcome of a decision without thinking about all of the positive outcomes."
"What's so bad about trying to be realistic?" She asked angrily.
"Nothing, but you're not being realistic." He replied, his tone matching her angry tone. "You're being extremely pessimistic. Have you even once thought about how nice it would be to not have to go through this alone? Maybe for once you should jump into a decision feet first!"
"Whatever." She shrugged, putting down the towel and walking out of the kitchen. This conversation was giving her a headache.
He followed her into the living room. "Lucy!" Calling out her name made her stop walking but didn't make her turn around.
"What?" She snapped.
"Nothing." He replied, turning to walk back into the kitchen. He was going to plead his case to her, but she didn't seem to be receptive to that right now so he decided to wait until later.
She turned around to see him walking back into the kitchen and immediately felt guilty for snapping at him. She slowly made her way back into the kitchen and stood in the doorway. "My emotions have been all over the place lately. I snapped at Shelby yesterday and now I'm snapping at you. Neither of you deserved it. I'm sorry."
"It's ok." He nodded.
"I don't think that your offer is a good idea because I don't want to put this responsibility on you. You've been great to me throughout this whole situation but I don't want to take advantage of that kindness. You have a big heart Carter and I know that you'd do anything for people that you care about…"
He decided to interrupt her there. "And I do care about you Luce. You're my best friend…"
"Please don't interrupt me until I'm done?" She asked, interrupting him. After seeing him reluctantly nodded, she continued. "Honestly, I'm not sure if you've thought this through enough and I'm not sure I can take the risk of accepting your offer."
"Are you done now?" He asked hesitantly.
"Yeah." She nodded. "Go ahead."
He paused, collecting his thoughts before speaking. "I don't know how I can get you believe that I have thought this through enough, but I have. Please trust me on that. I'm not offering this out of pity. That's not how I live my life and you know that. I'm offering this because I think it is a good idea. Think about it. Not only can you avoid having to tell people the truth about your pregnancy, but you also get someone to share in this experience with you and I want to share in this experience with you. Please let me be the father of your baby." He saw that she wasn't convinced yet and continued to talk. "Look Luce, neither of us had the perfect childhood. My parents hardly ever paid attention to me and you grew up without a father. Wouldn't it be nice to give this baby a real family with two parents?"
She closed her eyes, taking in the words that he had just spoken. A real family—just herself, Carter, and this baby. That sounded nice, really nice. But they wouldn't be a real family. They would just be two people agreeing to raise a child. Shoving that thought to the back of her head, she again considered his offer. A part of her really wanted to accept it. She couldn't help but admit that she liked the idea of raising this baby with him. But would he really be happy being stuck with her and the baby? She had looked into his eyes while he was trying to convince her and saw the excitement radiating off of him. That made her believe that maybe he would be happy with her. "I don't know. I don't want to brand you with a baby that isn't yours." She paused. "What if I get too used to you being around and then all of a sudden you leave? What am I supposed to do then?"
"I'm not going to leave." He assured her.
"You already cut me out of your life once. I don't think I could handle it if you did that again." She whispered.
He finally understood why she was having trouble accepting his offer. She was afraid that he was going to turn her back on her. It was a justified fear considering that he had turned his back on her once before. Now he only had to find a way to make her believe that he was never going to leave. He walked over to her, closing the space that was between them and embracing her in a hug. He could feel that she was tense, and rubbed small circles on her back in hopes of helping her relax. "Luce, if you want me to I'll apologize about the past for the rest of my life because I am truly sorry about the way I treated you back then. I was incredibly stupid to let you out of my life, and I refuse to let you go again."
She closed her eyes, letting herself start to relax in his embrace. So this offer is part of his plan to secure a permanent place in her life. Did she want him to have a permanent place in her life? Of course she did, but it wasn't that simple. With every passing moment…every glance…every touch…she was becoming more and more aware of the fact that he really did have romantic feelings for her. There was something about the way he talked to her while trying to convince her which made her excited and scared out of her mind. Romance was the last thing on her mind, yet she couldn't deny that she loved him. It was all so confusing to her and there was only one thing she was certain of right now. She did not want to keep having this conversation with him every day. She pulled away from him and looked him in the eyes. "Are you sure that you want to do this?" Before he could answer, she held her hand up to stop him from speaking. "Are you absolutely, one-hundred percent sure that you have no doubts about this? Are you sure that you can handle being a father and are you sure that you aren't going to suddenly disappear one day?"
He smiled, realizing that she was very close to accepting his offer. "I am sure that I want to do this. I have no doubts, and I know that I can handle being a father. I am also sure that I'm never going to just disappear."
She sighed, rubbing her temples. She had a bad feeling about this, but she squelched that feeling. "I am probably going to regret this at some point…but ok. I guess we can at least give this a shot."
His smile turned into a full-fledged grin when he heard her words. "Really? You sure about this?"
She laughed. "No, not really but I guess I'm taking your advise by jumping into a decision feet first."
He hugged her again. "You won't regret this decision."
She laughed again. "I better not, or else I'll never take your advice again."