A.N.: Thanks for all the very kind reviews. I was reall overwhelmed getting so many of them for just one chapter. Thanks a lot. Anyways – on with the story.
Chapter 4:
Jonathan had left all the preperations for the memorial service to Malcolm, he just couldn't participate in this. Of course he had assured his armory officer to ask him for any help or advice he needed, but Malcolm seemed to have understood that he actually wasn't capable of doing so right at the moment. He hadn't asked the captain for anything once...
It surely was a hard task – trying to find a way to make the crew – and oneself – finally believe that a good friend was gone and wouldn't return – not ever. But Jonathan believed to be the one having the more hard task to do. He was the one in responsibility, he was the one to inform Starfleet Command... and he was the one to inform Trip's parents.
He had done a lot of thinking on this part, asking himself if he had kept up the search for such a long time because he didn't want to do this particular job. Of course he had done it because he hadn't wanted to admit that his friend was gone, but even thinking about talking to trip's parents was a task that actually scared him – he had no idea how to tell it to them...
Therefore he had decided to talk to Admiral Forrest first. Neither would this be easy – it was a journey of no return. Once he had told the authorities that they had lost Trip – he had no more chance to keep up any hope. With calling Forrest it would finally be official...
Whatever his personal feelings were however, there was no way not to do it. He needed to inform his superiors, needed to tell them what had happened. He just wished for somebody else to do it...
Maybe this was the reason why it had taken him almost an hour of sitting in front of his desk, staring at the blank screen in front of him and not finding enough courage to activate it and send a transmission to Forrest. He had just sat there, feeling the naging guilt inside of him that was telling him over and over again that he was wrong with what he was doing.
He had no idea how he had finally managed to press the right buttons and send a message to Starfleet. Grim determination had taken a hold on him as he surpressed his feelings of anger and grieve for long enough to fulfill his responsibility. A few seconds afterwards, the Admiral's face appeared on screen – he seemed slightly surprised to hear from him.
"Jon – nice to hear from you. Is there anything you need from us?"
A friendly smile crossed the Admiral's face and Jonathan felt his willpower sink. He hadn't been sure he could do this from the beginning and the cheerfullness of the Admiral made it even harder on him. It had taken him a lot of time and thinking to take that step. For now he just wished to get it over and done with...
"No Admiral, I actually called to inform you about certain circumstances..."
This sounded all so wrong, so unpersonal, so empty, but he just wouldn't find the right words. How do you tell your superiors that you lost your chief engineer and apart from that a very good friend to an unknown phenomenon, taking the last couple of weeks to search for any lifesigns... How did you do this? How did you tell someone you had given up?
"What is it, Captain? What do you need to tell me?"
"I,... we... – we lost one of our crewmembers..."
Silence followed his words as he could literally feel the Admiral trying to regain his composure about the news. Jonathan didn't dare to look at the viewscreen. He wasn't sure he could face the Admiral right now, wasn't sure he wouldn't just lose it if he would see the empathy and pity on his superior's face.
"God, Jonathan – I'm so sorry to hear that! Who is it?"
His thoughts were racing right now and he felt himself lose the battle against the amount of feelings he held locked up inside of him. Guilt was washing over him and he still didn't dare to look the Admiral in the face. His mind was screaming to him that this wasn't right, that he had no proof and that it was too soon. He had no right to give up on his friend so soon, he had no right to do this...
But he knew he couldn't change it any more. He had made the first move, had taken it one step too far ahead and now he couldn't go back any more. There was no chance to back off and get out of the situation any more. He needed to get this to an end now, he needed to finally get over with it, before losing his mind to this goddamn situation.
"It's Tucker, Sir – we lost Commander Tucker..."
Once again, silence emerged between the two of them – only that it lasted longer this time. Jon hadn't expected anything else to happen. The Admiral knew, Jon and Trip were friends, very good friends and that this loss went deeper and was more personal than it would have been with any other crewman.
Jonathan didn't expect the Admiral to give any more words of condolescence to him. It was of no use anyway – words weren't able to help him through and neither were they able to change anything about. Therefore he wasn't even surprised as Forrest went on with procedure.
"You want me to inform his family?"
"No, I'm gonna do that myself. It was my responsibility – I do owe it to him as well as to his family."
"Alright, Jon – as you wish. You got all my sympathy and condolescence, I'm so very sorry about this, Jonathan."
"I know, Sir. Thank you."
He had believed talking to Trip's parents actually would be the most hardest part of all of this. Finding the right words to tell them what had happened, expressing his feelings and finding the courage to look them in the eyes, telling them he had decided to give up on their son.
Actually he hadn't been in need to say anything after all. His face's impression had obviously been clearly readable, showing all of the emotion hiding back behind it. He barely had been able to hail Trip's parents after all and trying to keep his composure was a thing that he only managed by sheer willpower. The moment his mother's face appeared on the screen and she had had a look at him, she had known.
Jon had always experienced her as a very strong, life-loving woman. He had believed there would be nothing in the world that could bring her down. He had never seen her cry, he couldn't even imagine she could do that. She was too much into life to mourn about the surprises and even the tragedies it kept for her.
It was the unfairness of this whole moment that was getting to him. This just wasn't right – there was no justice within it. It was of course a hard thing to judge about, but he just felt that she didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to be confronted with yet another tragedy, she was supposed to be happy and he was about to take that from her...
She probably had seen the emotions and thoughts he had right at the moment. Had seen them right there on his face. She didn't even need him to say a word, she knew him all too long and too well to not know it immediately. It had forced him to see one of the most threatening things he ever experienced, had forced him to see something unimaginable... She started crying...
"No..., oh good lord – please NO. Just don't... – heavenly lord – Jonathan please don't..., I can't... Please! No..."
"I'm so sorry..."
He could hear and see her inhale deeply, slightly turning away and angrily wiping the tears off her face like they had no right to be there. She was trying to regain her composure and he knew she just didn't want him to see her like this. She was someone to not easily lose control or at least was in his eyes... Just that this wasn't an easy situation and she had every right to cry.
When she moved back in front of the screen, she had managed to calm down a bit and was able to look him in the eyes again. The signs of her sudden outbreak, of her grieve were still painfully visible on her face, but there was not even the slightest hint of any emotion. She had locked them up somewhere inside for the moment. The real hard part of it was about to come. He was about to explain and defend his decision of giving up on searching for her son.
"What happened, Jonathan – what happened to him?"
It was the one decisive question he had no idea how to answer to. Of course there was a scientific and emotionless answer to the question, but that wasn't what Trip's mom wanted to hear. And it wasn't the point – it was his responsibility and his decision he needed to tell her about that was making this whole conversation so hard on him.
"We encountered a space phenomenon two and a half month ago, which struck the ship. He disappeared that day. I'm sorry – but we haven't been able to find out what actually happened when this phenomenon impacted with the ship. We have taken the past two months of time to try and find him..."
"You stopped searching..."
"We have been searching for him for the past two months, we explored every last place of the solar system the phenomenon occured in and have gathered every last piece of information about it, but we didn't find him, we didn't find anything... It was a hard decision, but it was the only reasonable one there was."
He could see the emotions well up inside of her once again and he knew it had been the wrong words to say. She was angry at him, extremely angry at him, but she tried to surpress it. Still it was clearly visible on her face and it was audible in her words as she spoke up once again – there was a sligh trembling in her voice.
"To a relative... to a mother such a decision isn't that reasonable after all. It's the fact of caring about the own blood that doesn't make it reasonable – not even for a moment, not even for one last second. Are you in any way possible to understand this?"
"I know this is hard..."
"No you don't! You have no idea!... Let's don't – let's not talk about this right now, Jonathan. I'm in no condition to argue with you or anyone else right now. I need time, Jonathan – just time – give it to me..."
He didn't receive another chance to respond to her as the comm-link was suddenly ended and Trip's mother's face faded as the screen went black. Jonathan was left speechless by her words and with an absolute feeling of numbness.
She had told him he didn't know what she felt right now, like he had no idea what this loss meant to her. But he did, he did know all to well... He just wished she would understand this...