This is a silly little one-shot dedicated to all those who usually find themselves making jokes that make people groan instead of laugh.

Ok, I apologise for this story. The idea came to me when I was bored at home and it amused me so I wrote it whilst even more bored in college. I apologise once again.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this fic. But I wish owned the Phantom… Oh, I really wish I owned the Phantom…

THE WORST PHANTOM FIC EVER

"Congratulations, Countess. You're pregnant."

"What?" Christine stared blankly at the doctor.

"You are going to be a mother."

"But… that's not poss-" Christine stopped herself and, rising to her feet, said, "thank you, doctor," instead.

He nodded and turned to leave. She sank down again, confusion written all over her face. He pretended not to notice and let himself out. When he had gone, Raoul knocked gently on the door and peered round at his wife. Christine sighed and went over to him, folding herself into his arms.

"Raoul…?"

"Christine?"

"You love me don't you?"

"You know the answer to that. Of course I do."

"And you know I love you, don't you?"

"Christine, is something wrong?"

"No, of course not." She smiled reassuringly at him and then placed her head on his shoulder so he wouldn't see the puzzlement on her face. It wasn't possible that she could be pregnant, she had only been married three weeks and Raoul had been away a gtreat deal, trying to sort out the vast amount of money he had lost when the Opera Populaire had burned down. She sighed and wished that she could spend just one night with him when he wasn't worrying over his investments. He needn't know yet; perhaps they would find some time to be alone soon and she would be able to tell him then. Yes, that would be best.

As the months wore on it was getting hard for Christine to hide the fact that she was pregnant and although she and Raoul had finally spent some beautiful nights together the mystery of who the father really was was driving her to distraction. Of course, the answer was floating in her head but she refused to allow herself to consider such a possibility. It couldn't have been him, she would have known… Christine cast her mind back to that first night when she had finally met her Angel of Music…

He had been beautiful and his touch and his voice had made her soul sing with joy but… still, she had remembered everything, every detail, the mist, the boat, the lake the candles and of course… him. But, perhaps whilst she was unconscious… no, he wouldn't. Surely he didn't, he cared about her too much to do that to her. Or would he? Christine sighed and Raoul glanced up at her. She knew that he knew; it was impossible for him not to notice that her slim figure had rounded and grown over the past five months. As if to prove her point he took her hands and said gently, "How long until it's born?"

"About four months, the doctor thinks."

"Oh, Christine, this is wonderful! A baby, a little son or daughter!" he smiled at her and she smiled back at him, feeling both glad that he was completely without suspicion and yet guilty for deceiving him. Christine settled back down into the bed and Raoul pulled her close, savouring the warmth of her skin. He hoped that it would always be like this, she was so fragile, easily afraid and still the shadow of the past haunted her. But he couldn't touch her now; the Phantom of the Opera was part of the past, a murderer and a rejected suitor. He could never hurt her again.

Christine looked nervous as the doctor examined her.

"Well, Countess, it seems that there has been a mistake..."

"I know!" She blurted out, "Raoul isn't the father! It was him! The Phantom of the Opera!" and she began to cry. The doctor looked shocked.

"Actually…" the doctor was cut off by Raoul who marched over to his wife.

"What?" Raoul stared at Christine, who looked up at him sadly with tearful brown eyes.

The doctor tried to explain, "No, no, you see, it was a phantom pregnancy."

"I knew it!" wailed Christine.

"That bastard!" Raoul slammed his fist on the table.

The doctor walked away, shaking his head. Idiots.

I know, I know, that was terrible. I'm sorry. On a more serious note I would like to comment on the fact that this fic is in NO WAY intended to make light of those who have suffered from the trauma of real phantom pregnancies; it was just a very bad pun with absolutely no harm intended.

By the way, there are lots of mistakes in this fic but since it isn't meant to be taken seriously I hope that doesn't matter. For example, I know that it is unlikely that Raoul would be present while a doctor examined his wife and also I'm not sure what Christine's proper title would be since I still don't have the DVD yet :( and can't check her gave stone to see what it said... But still, I hope you didn't mind that too much. Now, go and read something intelligent :)