Whenever You Need Me


Chapter: 3


Secret Smile



Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile.
And you use it only for me.
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile.
And you use it only for me.
So use it and prove it .
Remove this whirling sadness.
I'm losing, I'm bruising.
But you can save me from madness.
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile.
And you use it only for me.
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile.
And you use it only for me.
So save me I'm waiting.
I'm needing, hear me pleading.
And soothe me, improve me.
When you are flying around and around the world.
And I'm lying and lonely.
I know there's something sacred and free reserved.
And received by me only.
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile.
And you use it only for me.
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile.
And you use it only for me.
So use it and prove it.
Remove this whirling sadness.
I'm losing, I'm bruising.
But you can save me from madness now, now.
When you are flying around and around the world.
And I'm lying and lonely.
I know there's something sacred and free reserved.
And received by me only.
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile.
And you use it only for me.
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile.
Nobody knows it Nobody knows it Nobody knows it.
But you've got a secret smile.
-Semisonic
Secret Smile

Pacey was sickened by her behaviour, he couldn't stand it, talk about avoiding the issue. He was sitting in Andie's Bedroom waiting for her to come out of her bathroom so they could talk. He had been waiting since yesterday lunchtime to discuss this and he wasn't going to let her drag it out anymore. Either she was just avoiding it or she was being selfish and only talking about what she wanted. Either way he was going to get to the bottom of it, and he was going to get to the bottom of it tonight. She walked out from the bathroom; she had spent forty minutes in there preening, for use of a better word. He could see she had washed her hair, had a Bubble bath, changed her clothes, put on some make up and gave herself a manicure. All the time he had been waiting she had been in there just giving herself a makeover. He sighed with annoyance as she walked over to her closet and picked out her coat, putting it on she reached for his hand. Enough was enough. This was being dealt with and this was being dealt with right this minute, Andie didn't have any say in the matter, either they talked now or this relationship was over! "Come on Pacey," Andie said brightly. "Time for dinner," she rambled. "I think that new place on Sorely Street has a special. Y'know the place, The Ice Palace?" she asked him, but he wouldn't move from his spot. "What?" She asked. "Come on, I'm hungry," she pulled on his arm and he just looked angrily at her. "What's that look for?" She questioned harshly.

"What's this look for?" Pacey asked her in disbelief. "What is this look for?" He repeated in the same tone. "This look is because I have been trying to discuss something with you since lunch time yesterday and you've been ignoring me!" He almost shouted at her, she was being so annoying, she was always so annoying and selfish. "And we're not going to dinner," he paused and shook his head. "You and me are going to sit right here and discuss something," he said sternly. There was no way she was getting out of it this time.

"Well make it quick," Andie said looking at her watch and sitting down on the bed. "We have to go soon if we're going to get a table, I hear its really busy right now and I'm hungry, I think I'll have the chicken, apparently its nice and moist. Y'know when you get chicken and its dry? I hate that it's like what's the point if you're not going to cook for it and…" Andie was rambling again, he decided he would be putting a stop to this right now.

"Andie stop!" Pacey cut her off. "I don't care, okay?" He told her in a harsh irritated tone. "I don't care if we'll miss a table. I don't care if the Chicken is moist or not. I don't care if the sun starts to shine out my ass!" He said through gritted teeth harshly. "All I care about is that you sit down here, stop avoiding the issue and tell me who you're having an affair with!" He said angrily. He didn't mean for it to come out like that, just accusing but at the time it seemed to make so much sense. How could they talk about it if she wouldn't talk about it?

"What?" Andie asked in a confused tone. "What affair?" She replied dumbfounded by his comment. "I don't believe you still don't trust me!" Andie shouted. "It was one lousy night eight months ago, how can you still hold it against me!" She shouted angrily.

"Well I wouldn't have so much trouble trusting you if you didn't make it so obvious that you were sleeping around on me!" He snapped back, standing up and pacing around her room.

"What makes you think I'm having an affair?" Andie asked in a high pitched tone, she couldn't believe him. He said he had forgiven her but he obviously hadn't.

"Oh let me think Andie," Pacey said. He was so annoyed with her, how could she just act so dumb. "The fact that we haven't had sex since you came back, since you betrayed me and my trust, and I found packets of empty condoms in your drawer!" He shouted. "Explain that to me will you because why do you need condoms if you're not having sex with your boyfriend?" His tone was harsh and jagged.

"Those condoms weren't mine; they were from Sonja, my cousin. The one staying here remember her?" She asked him. "She's visiting from Providence, it's her, they were hers she has been using my room to meet with her boyfriend!" Andie yelled. Did he honestly think she would be as stupid as to leave condoms around for him to see? Even she was having an affair that would be pretty stupid to say the least.

"What?" Pacey asked, this he wasn't expecting. "They…" He stuttered "They're not yours?" He asked, he almost felt stupid.

"No! Do you honestly think I would make the same mistake twice?" She asked him, calmer now. "Do you honestly think I would do that to you again? Give me a little credit Pacey," She told him.

"Well what about the fact that when I want to come over I almost have to make an appointment?" He asked her, if she was having an affair he was going to find out.

"I just don't want you to come over and me be out. I'm out a lot with Mom and all," Andie told him. Her mother had gone into the hospital in Capeside soon after summer so that Andie could look after herself and her father without having to worry about her all the time.

"So you're not having an affair?" Pacey asked feeling a little stupid and confused. He didn't totally believe her but he was going to give her the benefit of the doubt for now. She shook her head at his question and she looked genuinely hurt. Maybe she wasn't cheating on him after all. "Andie I'm sorry," He apologized to her. He had asked her to her face and she had denied it.

"Pacey," Andie said taking his hand. "I understand okay? I put you through a lot in the past and I know how hard it is to forgive, let alone forget. Just remember that once we get past thins we're going to be great again. I would never cheat on you again because I know what I have in you. You helped me through so much and I never forget that and that's why I would never hurt you again," she told him softly. She looked into his eyes and kissed his lips softly. She took his lips to hers and kissed them deeper, pushing him down gently on the bed she continued their kiss. Thoughts flashed through his mind. It was there again; Marc was there, touching her, caressing her, his hands were all over her, kissing her lips and her neck. He had to shake them from his mind, trying to concentrate on the kiss he pushed them to the back of his mind, he noticed her hands were working on his shirt and he let her. Thoughts in his head changed, no more Mark, thank god. He thought of Joey sitting at home alone, he thought about her sitting there, her long legs tucked under her, playing with her hair and swirling her coffee with her index finger like always. He loved the way she did that, especially cappuccino, she did it all the time, then she would just blow on it softly, causing the froth to ripple as she wrapped her red lips around the rim and drank the sweet, dark liquid. He started to think of an explanation for that look in thew hallway yesterday, not a platonic look, he had almost fallen into her eyes, into their depth and sensuality, her smiling eyes, intense and beautiful. She seemed to have a smile that was only for him, she never used it anywhere else, it was beautiful, entrancing to say the very least and extremely arousing, he could feel the arousal deep down inside of him. He snapped out of his thought suddenly. How could he stay here and kiss Andie like he trusted her and like he loved her as much as he used to when he could just kiss her and think about someone else in that way. Who was he kidding, he didn't love her that much anymore. And to top it all he wasn't ready to let her into his mind again, not yet. He removed himself from her lips and gently pushed her off him so he could stand. When he got to his feet he fastened his shirt back up quickly and grabbed his bag "Where are you going?" Andie asked, she couldn't believe he was just leaving.

"I have to go," Pacey said distracted, avoiding her eyes. "I just…" He stuttered. He didn't know what to tell her, he couldn't just sit here like everything was fine and dandy, when he was thinking about someone else, kissing someone else, touching someone else. The thoughts invaded him again; he had to stop thinking. He had to just walk away, run anywhere to be alone with his thoughts. "I have to go, mom will have dinner on the table soon and I can't be late," he lied.

"I thought we were going out. Aren't we going out?" Andie asked, confused. What was it with him, one minute he was fine and the next he was running away.

"Yes I know, I totally forgot," he had to think of a lie, quick. "I promised I would, y'see my sisters' new boyfriend is coming over and we all have to be there to meet him," Pacey was almost proud of his lie. It really sounded like something that could happen. "I'm sure I told you," he added for good measure, you can never go wrong with that and she seemed to buy it as her look softened.

"Oh yes," Andie replied, she couldn't remember him saying it but maybe she just wasn't listening. "I think I remember you saying something about that, I should have reminded you," she added. "So I'll see you tomorrow at school?" She asked him.

"Uh yes, sure whatever. I'll be there." He stumbled as he tried to walk out the room, what was it about him, his legs wouldn't work, they just wanted to pick him up and run out but they wouldn't, they weren't working. "I'll be there. At school. Tomorrow. Tuesday, Day after today, Monday, is Tuesday, and the day after is Wednesday, but tomorrow is Tuesday, second day of the school week. Yes Tuesday yummy meatloaf day," He paused, before running out the door and into his truck and banging his head against the steering wheel, he was just lucky that the old rust bucket didn't have airbags or he would have been screwed. He though of what he had just said, it had been so nervous and the ramblings of a mad man. He saw her looking from the window so he put the keys into the ignition and drove away. He had to go somewhere, anywhere to think.

Pacey drove through the rain, it was almost blinding him, and it seemed as though as much as he tried he could hardly see through it. He had spent the last few hours just trying to clear his head in The Ruins. He hadn't succeeded because every time he tried to think he just got his mind in knots. Unable to settle himself he decided to go back to the B&B, he would have rang Bessie to tell her he was late but as fate had it, his cell phone had no juice left. As he drove along he came across a familiar turning. A neighborhood in a nice part of town, not perfect, but it was a nice residential area. He took his courage, looked at his watch and took the turning. He drove past several houses he knew and into the driveway of number 164 Maple Terrace, otherwise known as the Witter household. He saw his fathers patrol car was no where to be seen and decided to go inside. He took the keys out of his pocket and noticed he was shaking, more from trepidation than the cold, as he cautiously and boldly found the key. It was a small golden key and as he lifted it to the lock it fitted perfectly inside. Turning it slowly, he heard the door unlock slowly and pushed the door before stepping inside, to be met by his mother. She was a woman in her fifties with short black hair; her look was one of surprise and happiness as she stepped forward to embrace her youngest child, her baby. "Pacey John Witter?" She whispered slowly. "Where have you been? I've been worried sick about you," she said as she stepped away from the hug.

"Oh yeah?" Pacey questioned, he did not believe her. "If you worried so much then why didn't you call anyone to see where I was?" He asked her harshly, his voice was thick and jagged. "Admit it, you didn't care," he said as he pushed past her and walked up the stairs, before turning around to face his mother. "I'm just here for some of my things ma, I'm not staying, I found somewhere to stay," he said continuing to walk up the stairs and into his room. His room was just as he remembered it, he wasn't going to say he didn't like his room because he did, it was covered of pictures of hockey stars and overlooked the park. He took a bag from the top of his closet and threw as many items in as he could. It wasn't everything but he could come back for more, his father would be home soon and that was a confrontation he didn't want.

"Pacey!" John Witter's voice boomed up the stairs and Pacey cringed. "Pacey!" The voice got louder as his father entered the room, slamming the door behind him. He was angry and Pacey knew that look in his fathers' eyes. "What the hell are you doing in this house!" He shouted walking over and grabbing his collar and throwing him around the room with it. "I threw you out and told you not to come back! What didn't' you understand!" He shouted.

"Don't worry I'm just getting a few things and I'm leaving," Pacey said calmly, not wanting to annoy his father any more than he already was. He zipped the bag up and looked at his father. "I'm done I'll be going," Pacey said slowly. He tried to get out the door but his father stopped him. "I thought you said you wanted me out?" Pacey asked, he knew what his father was trying to do. "Will you please just let me past?" He requested.

"Let you past… what?" Asked his father, he was going to make him beg to be out.

"Let me past Please," Pacey replied. He wasn't playing his fathers game again. Not this time. Not ever.

"You afraid to stay and fight?" His father questioned him. "Poor little Pacey Witter, failure and coward!" His father mocked.

"I am a coward!" Pacey admitted angrily. "I'm a coward for not walking away a long time ago. It takes more courage to walk away than it does to fight," he answered, trying to stay calm. "I have the courage to walk away now," Pacey told him pushing past him.

"Don't you walk away from me!" John Witter shouted as he watched his son walk down the stairs, he ignored his calls and just continued to walk. "Pacey!" His voice thundered, almost shaking the foundations of the house. "You walk out that door now, don't you never come back! You hear me? Never!" He Bellowed.

"Screw you!" Pacey shouted to him, he almost fell down the remainder of the stairs when he felt his fathers' hand on his shoulder. He squirmed to get away from his fathers' intense grip and ran down the stairs before his father pushed him, he had done it once and he would do it again.

"Don't you even dare talk to me like that! I deserve respect!" His father shouted at the top of his voice as Mrs. Witter just stood by and watched the events unfold like always. "You will be sorry you ever said that to me!" He roared.

"I'm getting out of your life what else do you want from me?" Pacey asked angrily, throwing his bag on the floor and turning to his father. He had grown past his father in height and truth was he was stronger than he was, however, his father was more powerful. "Come on take one last punch Sheriff!" Pacey said walking to his father and pointing to his cheek, he was so close to him he could feel his fathers' harsh breath on his skin. It made him shiver that cold breath. "Come on scar me for life a little bit more! Scare me beyond belief a little bit more! Make me cry just a little bit more! Make me feel worthless just a little bit more! Hurt me just a little bit more! Make me hate you just a little bit more!" Pacey shouted at him, his emotions pouring out of his mouth harshly, biting at him. "You already drove me away, why not just scar me even more and make my life even more worthless? You are a terrible father, I wish you were dead!" Pacey said harshly, not regretting a single word. He did wish his father was dead, he wished he had died a long time ago, he wanted his father to be as dead as his father made him feel. He stood in a tense silence for a moment before his father smashed his powerful fist into the side of his face, knocking him down to the ground with exceptional violence. He just looked down at him, he was lying on the floor. He pressed his shoe to the side of Pacey's face on the ground, Stomping his face quickly before removing it, allowing Pacey to get up and grab his bag. Walking out of the house and John Witter's life forever

Joey sat on the decking looking out at the sky. Storm clouds were forming, it was almost as if a tempest was advancing upon them. The wind hollered and blew, trees swayed violently, she heard their rustle overtake her senses. She didn't even know why she was out there, watching the sky, feeling the cold wind, smelling the storm come, listening to the thunder rumble and growl at her in the evening. It was ten o'clock and Pacey still wasn't home. He wasn't at Dawson's, or Andie's, or Jen's, she had checked them all, she didn't know where he was. His cell phone was switched off as per usual and he was nowhere to be seen. She contemplated going out in search for him but knew he would be home soon and if she did go out it was guaranteed that he would arrive in the meantime. The rain hit the decking with force and she was cold and wet. Bessie had urged her to come inside four times in the last five minutes, but she couldn't. She squinted to take a better view of a pair of headlights heading towards the house, windscreen wipers wiping as fast as they could manage but still not holding off the downpour. It was Pacey's truck, she saw him as he pulled the truck to a halt and ran inside carrying a large bag sheltering from the rain. He looked at her with a confused stare. "What are you doing out here?" Pacey asked, almost having to shout over the sounds of the storm. "You'll freeze out here!" He said as he ushered her inside the house with him. It wasn't until they got inside she saw his face; it had bruised and was bleeding. She put her hands over her mouth and touched her hand gently to the in jury; he winced and pulled her hand away, gently kissing it. He looked to her eyes. Those large eyes, concerned, tears threatening to fall. "I'm okay, really I am," he reassured her.

"What…" She stuttered, she couldn't quite take this in. "What happened?" She asked, reaching to touch his face again, to run her fingers across his wound, feeling it, touching the skin that had been abused, freshly abused. She didn't understand, he was meant to be away from this when he left home. "What happened Pacey? How did this happen?" She asked as her lip trembled, slowly one solitary tear escaped from her eye, rolling down her soft skin and over her cheekbone. It travelled down her face and to her chin; hanging for a while in the silence before it finally dropped down and splattered on the wooden floor, almost hearing the echo in the silence of him. He did not speak, he just lifted his hand to her face and caught another tear on his finger, stopping her tears for falling for a moment as he looked at her and saw the hurt in her eyes. The hurt from seeing him hurt. "Tell me what happened Pacey?" Joey asked, her voice only a mute whisper, it was almost as though she had not said the words at all, but only mouthed them to him.

"Joey," Pacey whispered. "Don't cry please I'm okay," his voice shook as he saw her teary state, as much as he wanted to he couldn't stop her from aching inside or her heart from shattering into tiny shards when she saw him like this. Her teary eyes asked him for an explanation, so he led her to the couch and sat her down. He perched on the edge of a chair opposite her and took her hand in his delicately. Her fingers were cold and shaking, he kissed her knuckles softly and then rubbed the area where his lips had met her soft, smooth, shaky flesh. He gulped down tears to stop him weeping, not for himself but for the way he broke her. "I went to get some things from home and he was there, I'm not going back Joey I promise you I'm not. It wasn't even all that much, just one blow, one final blow for the road and it's over, done, gone. No more hurt or pain. One last duel," he told her.

"Where have you been all this time, just at home with him fighting?" She asked him. "If it was just one punch why are you so late home?"

"I went to see Andie and we had a talk, then I needed to get some things straight in my head so I went to The Ruins. On my way home I went to get some stuff from home, I haven't just been there getting the crap beaten out of me for hours you know Jo? I'm fine," he said reassuring her.

"You…" She stuttered through her tears. "You are?" She managed to get out before her tears invaded her again. He nodded his head and wiped her tears from her eyes with the back of his free hand, his soft skin brushed against her moist cheeks and the warmth soothed her. "What happened with Andie?" She asked him, trying to contain her shaking from the cold and emotion.

"She says she's not cheating on me, she had explanations for everything and I kind of believed her," Pacey told her and shrugged. "I think. Y'know I just…" He paused, mid-sentence and shrugged again before continuing. "I'm not sure whether to stay with it because I don't love her that much," he paused. "Sometimes I think that maybe if I stay with her we'll get back to that place again or close to it and I'll love her again. But I'm not sure. I'm kind of scared to let go y'know?" He asked her and she nodded slowly.

"Yeah, I know," Joey said, enjoying his presence and the warmth of his touch on her hands. Andie did not deserve a man like him. Someone so sweet and caring, she had Pacey down for an idiot for the best part of her life, but she had quickly leaned that he was hugely misunderstood. "But when it's time you'll know," Joey said looking him in the eyes.

"How Jo?" He asked. "How will I know when it's right to hurt her? Because that is what will happen when I break up with her. She will be hurt. So when do I know when it's over?" He asked her.

"Well I guess when there's that person, that you can't stay away from. That drives you crazy, who seems to have a smile only for you and parts that no one else can see. When you can fall in love with someone else and not feel guilty for it. When you fall out of love with Andie. Because if you love Andie you cant think about anyone else. So if you're thinking about someone else then you know that's it, "Joey told him. She smiled and took her hand away from his. "I should go and take a shower," she said. "I suggest you go clean up your face," she suggested. His face was very bloody and battered, she just knew that tomorrow it would be completely unmistakable for a bruise. She walked away from him and into the bathroom. He sat in silence for a while staring after Joey. The woman with the secret smile that she used only for him. No body knew but him, he loved this girl. The only question was did she feel the same? And more importantly than that, was it really worth risking his friendship for? Only time would provide the answers.