The group of shinobi moved purposefully through the glen.
One ninja, wearing dark sunglasses, clearly led the other. Stopping to stare at an old gnarled tree, he nodded, raising his hand in a signal for the others to stop.
"This is where I found the eggs of the Melanis pixe," Shino said. "Right through those hedges we'll find a natural amphitheater, with an open area for practicing our lines, divided off from an area of seclusion. This whole set-up can double for the kind of site we need to find later."
"I still don't see how this is going to work," Kiba said, looking over at Shikamaru. "You know our lines will sound like we rehearsed them. The Fifth will never think that we're being spontaneous."
"Don't be such a quitter," Ino said, as full of energy as usual. "We can do this. I know we can. After all, it's your teammate we're trying to save." She pointed over at Shino. "He's doing his part."
"We need to come up with some kind of heated discussion that shows that we are worried that Naruto will kill himself," Neji said. "We have to make it seem like we are all driven to the very edge, ready to take some kind of drastic action to save him and Hinata."
"Right," Ten Ten said. "Maybe some of us can act like we're worried what Naruto might do to Hinata's father. We can argue amongst ourselves, with the most passionate amongst us saying they are willing to fight alongside Naruto. We can say that the genin and chuunin from other teams are all up in arms, questioning the whole reason that they are shinobi."
"That would be Kiba and Lee," Choji said, keeping an eye out for any wildlife that might want to swipe his chips. "They are the most emotional, outside of Naruto. Shikamaru will have to be the voice of reason. He was the first one of us to be chuunin and to lead a team. The Hokage would never believe that he was moved to any kind of action against her wishes."
"Of course not," Kiba said. "Any kind of action would be too bothersome." He grinned when Akamaru began yapping, and then stopped to stare at the clouds.
"Neji was the first to make jounin," Ten Ten said. "He is also Hiashi's nephew. His words will carry a lot of weight. Which side should he argue for?" She blinked rapidly for a moment. "I'll play my part by backing him up, whatever he says." That part would come naturally for her.
"Ahhh-hhh-hh-h-h-h…" Lee struck a heroic pose. "This day we must feast, and eat the food of freedom. He that outlives this day, and comes home safe, will stand tall when the day is named is remembered. He that shall live this day, and see old age, will strip his sleeve and show his scars. This story shall the good man teach his son. We few, we happy few, we band of ninjas. The rest will think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhood cheap whiles any of us speaks." His eyes looked like they were ablaze. "Oooo-ooo-oo-aaaa-aaa-aa-ah!"
"That line is a bit too much, Lee." Shikamaru sighed and hung his head. This was going to take a lot of work. "No one will believe that's coming right off the top of your head."
"Line?" Lee stood staring, his eyes seeming larger than usual. "What do you mean, line?"
Everyone looked at one another. Then, they all began laughing. Only Rock Lee could sound like a fiery speech from an old musty play.
"What about anyone who might overhear our play acting?" Neji rubbed his chin, the voice of logic. "Imagine, instead, if we were performing the story of Thisbe and Pyramus. Assume that the people who overheard our words thought we were describing something that was really taking place. What might a group of archers or shinobi do from a distance, if they saw what they thought was a real lion in the village?"
"They would probably wipe the sleep out of their eyes and wonder if they were dreaming," Kiba said with a sneer. There haven't even been any lions living on Shishimaya… Lion Mountain… for centuries." He laughed." Maybe if you made it Sea Lions, and we were somewhere near the water."
"A lion could escape from a zoo!" Lee said, instinctively backing up Neji.
"Or a traveling circus," Ten Ten said. "Of course, traveling circuses never visit the Fire Country, and there aren't any zoos near Konoha."
"Why am I here?" Shikamaru hung his head. "Neji was making a very good point. The reference to Thisbe and the lion was just an analogy. Our performance must not only be convincing, it must also be well-timed and appropriately contained. If we are overheard by jounin… including our sensei and our parents… and they think that the things we fear are actually happening…"
"Yes," Neji said. "Although the risks are low, we stand a chance of making things far worse than they already are. We do not need a mob rushing to apprehend Naruto. He might end up believing they are siding with Hiashi. If he thinks that the entire village has turned against him…"
"Shit!" Kiba said.
"We certainly have our work cut out for us," Ino said. Even her indefatigable spirit had begun to flag. "But, we can't allow that to stop us, right. We have to try… try… try…"
After that, Shikamaru and Neji began diving the ninjas into two groups, those that would be on opposite sides of the dramatic argument. After that, they began trying out some of the lines that Shikamaru had worked on overnight, improvising their own lines where necessary.
Looking for Jiraiya, Anko stopped at the fringes of the clearing, wondering what so many shinobi were up to. She couldn't tell if they were planning some kind of mischief, putting on a play, or trying to find some way to solve the plight of Naruto and Hinata.
At one point, Shino raised one hand, silencing Kiba in the middle of one of his most dramatic lines. That did not sit well with his friend. He looked at a finger on his other hand, staring at the bug there. "Continue without me. I will be gone for a short while."
"What?" Ten Ten put her hands on her hips. "You have some lines coming up. We can't continue without you."
"This may be a once in a lifetime opportunity," Shino said. "It should only take a few minutes. One of my more common bugs has detected the scent of a female Oecophylla margarina, the Bottom Weaver Bug, that lays eggs only on Baccharis viminea, the Mule's Fat Bush, on these few days of the year.
"Mule?" Kiba frowned, clenching his fists. Shino and his stupid bugs! There were more important things to worry about. Time wasn't the issue. This was a matter of principle. "Don't be an ass, Shino."
As Shino paid strict attention to the bug on his finger, he was oblivious to everything else. He never realized that Anko was shadowing him. Mischievous streak tweaked again, the jounin thought of a funny prank, inspired by the things that she had witnessed. It would be difficult, but she was more than skilled enough to pull it off. Performing Henge on oneself was simple. Doing the same trick on someone else was not too difficult. But, it would take a very subtle touch to act on another ninja without the results being detected.
"Ahhh…" Shino nodded. He had found the bug that he wanted, along with some newly laid eggs. "Perfect…" Placing the female bug into a small cage that he carried in his equipment bag, he failed to notice the jutsu that Anko worked. For a while, to anyone that looked, he would have the head of an Ass. The joining had embellished by adding a nice tail as well.
Finished with his task, Shino headed back to resume his part in the upcoming charade. They were all still there, brainstorming, practicing, and arguing with one another. He certainly hadn't missed much.
"Very funny," Kiba said. "So you agree that you were an ass." Kiba shook his head. Akamaru let out a long howl.
"Shino, we don't have any time for horsing around!" Ino looked at the transfigured Shino with disapproval.
"Didn't your mother ever tell you if you did that kind of thing, it might stay permanent?" Choji chuckled. He thought the joke was funny, actually. Who would have thought that Shino had a sense of humor?
"I fail to see the reason for your remarks," Shino said, puzzled. "I wasn't gone long, and you have been able to further your aims without me." He began to get angry when his friends continued with their chastisement and unusual comments. When he received word from another bug that a female Halyomorpha halis was nearby, he headed off to find it without comment.
Meanwhile, her thirst for trouble growing, Anko decided to let the other shinobi know that their unsanctioned and clandestine get-together had been discovered. If they were involved in some kind of trickery designed to help Uzumaki Naruto and Hyuuga Hinata, their actions were unnecessary, and might get them in trouble. It was wonderful, being a philanthropist!
"What have we here, a group of shinobi meeting secretly, when the Hokage walks these woods?"
Anko had the urge to clap her hands when she watched the response of those shinobi. Let's see. Hyuuga Neji… Ten Ten, whatever her last name might be… Rock Lee… Inuzuka Kiba… Nara Shikamaru… Akimichi Choji… and Yamanaka Ino. And, the Aburame boy wandering the forest with an ass's head. She called out again, as the group had gone from taking up defensive positions to fleeing:
"I'll follow you through bog, bush, brake, and briar! One of you has been marked as an ass. The rest will have their own mark of shame. A hound! A boar! A bear! Who knows what else! Run if you like. I'll be there at every turn!"
"Let's see just how skilled this group is," Anko said to herself. She could spare a few moments of pursuit before looking for that big hairy pervert. So, when Shino returned a second time, feeling a bit foolish for having left in a snit, he found the clearing entirely empty.
"Where is everyone?" Shino stood still, scanning the small glen. His friends were all gone. The belongings that the others had brought with them were gone. "What kind of nonsense is this? I can't see them quitting so soon. This must be some kind of foolish game, to see how I might react. I have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed."
Wondering if his friends were watching him, Shino decided to practice some of his lines, even if there was no one there to interact with. Walking through the shady forest paths, he spoke his words with as much conviction as he could muster, still unaware of the fact that he had the head of an ass:
"Friends, shinobi, you must listen to me. I would rather bury Uchiha Sasuke than praise him! The evil that men do often lives on after them, while what good they have is buried with their bones. I know he was a friend once; but, he is much too ambitious, and that is a grievous fault, one that he must answer for. When the weak and suffering cry, Naruto and Hinata weep, but not Sasuke. He acts like nothing more than a brutish beast, a man who lost all reason. If we lose Hinata, all of our hearts will be buried in her coffin!"
Shino shook his head. He had worked very hard on that. It would certainly sound good on stage; but, when had he ever spoken like that? No, when had he ever spoken that much? Maybe it was good that he has spoken that alone. Anyone hearing him would surely have laughed!
"Was that an angel speaking, waking me from my flowery bed?" Tsunade yawned, sitting up. She looked around the forest in wonder, smiling. When was the last time that she had such a refreshing nap? "But why…" It was strange, her stopping to take a rest in a place like this, especially given the urgent issues she had been working on. Something inside tugged at her, as if she wasn't the master of her own thoughts and deeds.
Shino was trying to rework his lines:
"You know me. I'm one of your fellow shinobi! Too many people seek to praise Sasuke because of his talents; but we should all be looking to stop him before his ambition ruins other people's lives. He was a friend once. But, Naruto and Hinata are our friends now. If Hinata dies, a part of us will die with her."
He nodded. That was better. It still didn't sound quite like him, though. Maybe because he had spoken in a louder voice than he would normally use. Pushing his glasses further up on his nose, he received a great shock. His head had changed in form! Rubbing, patting, and probing, he grew angry. Was this Kiba's doing? Trying to think of some way to break the jutsu, he froze. He noticed something else. He was not alone.
"I pray thee, gentle boy, whoever you are, please speak again." Tsunade smiled, a dreamy look in her eyes. "I find myself enamored of your voice, but even more enthralled by your fair look." She stood and put a hand to her cheek. "Even though I have just laid eyes on you, I know this for a fact: I love you!"
Shino took a step back. What was more disconcerting, finding that he had the head of an ass, or hearing the Hokage say that she loved him? "I think… I think Ma'am, that you have little reason for that." What was wrong with the Fifth? Was she drugged? Sick? At least she probably didn't recognize who he really was, thanks to Kiba's little trick. "But, you are certainly better company than some people I know. Even friends can take things too far." His friends were lucky that the Hokage had not stumbled on their little scheme.
"Ahhhhh. You are as wise as you are beautiful," Tsunade shuffled her feet, blushing like a young school girl.
"Huh?" Shino swallowed hard. Things really were serious. "We need to get you out of these woods now, Ma'am. I don't know what happened to you; but, it sounds like you need medical attention. There might also be some kind of plan against the village. Can you walk?"
"Oh, I can walk. I can dance too, and sing!" Tsunade did a pirouette. "But, I have no desire to leave these woods." She rubbed her eyes, watching as the jutsu wore off on Shino. "While you are not as beautiful as before, I still love you. You will stay here with me, whether you wish to or not." She held up one finger. Much the way she did to Naruto or Sakura. "I am no common ninja for you to contest with. I am still in the best seasons of my womanhood. So, you will go wherever I go, while I sing out in happiness. Soon enough, we will find immortality in each other's arms." She took out a whistle with a unique and particular voice. She blew on it three times. "There will be others to attend to you, my love."
"I see. You are not yourself, Ma'am. We really should be going." Shino felt his face, glad that it had returned to normal. "I can't leave you here. You may be in danger. And, I might not be able to lead anyone else to you if you wander off."
"Ohhhh. It fills my heart with joy to hear that you will not leave me!" Tsunade batted her eyelashes and acted coquettishly. "You could never leave me alone, because I will always follow. When I am with you, no danger large or small will matter. I wish no one else but you!" She held her arms out to Shino.
Summoned by the Hokage's signal, a number of shapes flashed here and there about the forest, flitting from one tree to another, moving with a speed that normal humans would envy.
"Madame Hokage!" Uzuki Yugao was the first to arrive. The attractive young woman, with her dark purplish hair, wondered at the presence the Aburame boy.
"Ma'am!" Hagane Kotetsu alighted, still sporting the usual cloth across his nose and cheeks.
"Here!" Kamizuki Izumo soon followed his comrade. His unruly dark hair covered one of his eyes.
"Right!" Shiranui Genma joined the others, wearing his black knit cap and holding a long toothpick-like stick between his teeth.
"Greetings to all of you!" Tsunade's cheerful countenance and warm lively voice caught the others by surprise. "Now, I want you all to be kind and courteous to this fine young man. If you can find apricots and dewberries, gather them for him. If you come across purple grapes, green figs, and mulberries, bring as much as you can carry. And, I will give thanks to the one of you who can steal honey from the bees that labor to make it!" The Hokage turned a look of adoration on Shino, who suddenly felt as if the entire world was watching him. "Oh, and if you can steal the wax from their honeycombs, you can fashion candles to put aside the mossy bed my lover and I shall share!"
"Wh-Wh-What…" It took a lot to shock Yugao. Her eyes went impossibly wide. What kind of game was the Fifth playing?
"But… you… he… how…" Genma didn't notice that his toothpick had fallen to the ground. "This must be some kind of joke, Ma'am."
"R-R-Right…" Izumo let out a long breath. "For a moment there…"
Kotetsu just stared at Shino, then Tsunade, and then Shino again.
"What is this talk of jokes?" Tsunade frowned, a little bit of her normal attitude showing through. "This is no joke to me. Like the moon waiting to appear, you should all look upon me with a watery eye and weep as every little flower does, lamenting some enforced chastity."
Shino felt to sudden urge to run. That was not like him. He rarely moved at anything but a slow and stately pace, except at practice or during a mission. But, that word 'chastity' had him sweating.
"Lead him to my bower," Tsunade said, sighing.