If you're easily bored, you can skip my introspective introduction and apology for taking so long to update.

Ha! I bet you guys were thinking I'd forgotten about this story, weren't you? Nope, I was just waiting for inspiration to strike. And strike it did, in the form of me selling my old car, and then having to look around for a new one. Selling a car is a pain. Buying a car - when you've got a very limited budget ($7k) and want a relatively new, fun to drive car that's efficient and has bulletproof reliability . . . well. What you end up doing is visiting a lot of seedy little dealerships that want your money, not your service. Fortunately, I was able to find a late-model Chevy Prizm (which is nothing but a rebadged Toyota Corolla, they came off the same assembly line in California - run a google image search, and you'll see for yourself) at a major dealership. It's not fast or flashy, but is simple and efficient - and I loves it, yes precious!

Freya: And I shall have to pop your tires with my spear if you don't get on with it.

Right. Anyway, before I found the car of my dreams, I went through quite a few small dealerships, who tried to pull quite a few dirty tricks . . . and inspiring me to write this. Sorry it took so long. Enjoy!

In moments, we had arrived at a chocobo dealer. The sign above proclaimed, "Big Dee's Choco Shack", and promised zero percent interest financing, and a two-year beak-to-butt warranty on selected birds.

Zidane rushed over to a stretched chocobo with longer legs for extra ground clearance, as Eiko slipped on a banana peel and Amarant, whose face was still puffy from his encounter with Shiva, began to devour miniature candy hamburgers. Dagger walked over to a nearby pink-feathered choco, and Eiko ate the banana peel. With Steiner gone for the moment, Freya, Vivi, and Quina accompanied me as I searched for a choco salesman. Except for one minor problem: somewhere along the way, Quina abandoned us.

We called its name, telling it we'd buy it sugared frog legs if it'd only come back. Quina came back, all right - with an angry choco salesman in tow. The thing looked eminently

satisfied, prancing happily along towards us with a bloodied fork in its hand.

A bloodied fork. Dammit, Quina . . .

"Your . . . thing here ate one of my best birds!" the salesman roared, spittle flying from his reddened face. "Get out, before I become rational enough to make you pay for it!"

"Big bird taste good," Quina announced. "Like chicken." Freya looked as though she might lance the Qu, Vivi looked afraid Quina might eat him, and the salesman appeared ready to kill us all.

"C'mon, let's get the others and get outta here," I said, and they followed me back to where Zidane was checking out a choco's custom chrome toenails, Dagger was reaching under Amarant's arm to steal some of his candy hamburgers, and Eiko was playing FF9 on her PSP.

Yeah, I know that game doesn't exist for that platform. Bite me. I'm telling you, she was playing it and giggling every time she succeeded in pissing off the moogle on the world map.

Anyway, in another few minutes of non-travel we arrived at a place with a gaudy, glitter-covered sign proclaiming it to be "Big Ley's Weapons Store and Also Airship Rentals." Okaaay . . . whatever. Just so long as there aren't any gummy airships to tempt Quina, we should be fine. Zidane, of course, didn't make it past the first row of shiny airships, with their hub-mounted chrome spinners. It actually looked really weird, because the actual propeller would be spinning whilst the poorly named "spinner" didn't. He stuck his head into the enlarged exhaust pipe of one of them, wearing a grin fit to split full-plate armor, and I knew we'd lost him. And there goes Garnet to keep an eye on him. Steiner's gone, Quina will become dead if he/she/it tries to eat anyone else, and Zidane is . . . Zidane.

Let's see . . . if my recent experiences at car dealerships are any indicator, we won't get within 100 feet of the central building before -

"Hello, sir! How may I help you today? Might I interest you in-GAK!" The airship salesman that had been just about to make his pitch suddenly sounded as though he had something in his throat. He yanked his wide-brimmed hat down over his Burmecian face before any of us could get a good look at his face. Roughly 0.75 seconds later, the salesman was on his hands and knees, making the most horrific and disgusting horking sound you've ever heard.

Or that I've ever heard, for that matter, and I have two cats that hork up hairballs with sickening regularity. For that was, indeed, what the salesman was doing.

Vivi backed away, Eiko squealed her distress but kept staring anyway, Amarant grunted, Freya got a weird look on her face that bordered on sympathy, and Quina crouched down next to the poor fellow as though he/she/it might eat the approaching nastiness.

"Your gut giving you problems?" Amarant asked. "I could fix it, you know. Like, remove it."

"Amarant!" Freya chastised.

"What? I hate that noise! It makes me want to-" Amarant interrupted himself and spontaneously started to dry-heave, assuming the same position as the salesman.

Well, I'll be damned. Amarant is capable of empathy. Sort of.

"EEEWWWWW!" Eiko shrieked, louder this time, and ran off. Most likely to Garnet. Vivi seemed rooted, though whether in horror or fascination I couldn't tell.

With a tremendous, gut-wrenching HOOOORK the salesman finally disgorged a baseball-sized wad of hair and phlegm. He muttered profuse apologies and promises to clean it up whilst Amarant kept heaving.

Freya extended her hand to help the salesman up, but he refused. "No, thanks, I'll be alright." It sounded as though he was trying to disguise his voice . . .

"Fratley?" Freya asked aloud. When the salesman winced, she kicked him solidly in the ribs.

"Fratley! You left me again so you could become a used airship salesman!"

"NEW airship salesman, thank you," Fratley corrected, clutching his ribs as he slowly rose to his feet.

Amarant, who had finally finished not throwing up, extended his claws as he stood up behind Fratley. "Hey Freya, want me to gut 'im for ya?"

"That won't be necessary. I assume you're the one known as 'Big Ley'?"

"That's right," Fratley confirmed.

"Well, then you can provide us with an airship and accompany us on a little trip. That is, unless you want my next kick to land on Little Ley, if you catch my meaning."

Fratley smiled a slightly disturbing smile, virtually mirroring Freya's. "Have I ever told you how totally hot you are when you're in a violent mood?"

"Many times. Now be a good little bitch and find my friends a ride." Freya's grin widened.

Amarant and I exchanged looks composed mostly of confusion and disbelief, and Quina began a feast on the ground.

Vivi toddled over to me and motioned that he wanted a quiet word. I bent down and he whispered, "Uh, do you mind if I go find Eiko? I want to make sure she's alright."

How could I say no to such a cute little guy? "Sure. But don't be long, okay?"

"Okay." He toddled off, leaving Amarant and I as the only relatively normal ones. Quina licked its lips after finishing the hairball, and Freya and Fratley exchanged playful slaps before walking off towards a nearby row of airships. Morbidly curious as to what they'd do next (and wanting to find an airship) Amarant and I followed.

Much to my delight, Fratley took us straight to a very nice-looking full-size airship, with plenty of room for all of us. I was about to ask him how much he wanted for it when he told me, "Freya and I have some catching up to do, so one of my underlings will help you find an airship. This one's his, and he's usually . . . yup, there he is!" Fratley knocked on the window, and it rolled down to reveal . . .

Holy crap. No. Way.

It was Kuja.