Harry Potter was in a rut! You see, ladies and gentlemen, Harry was a professional murderer. He had to go to assassin collage for 2 years to get to the title of professional assassin, so he was pretty pleased with himself. Well, anyway, Harry was in quite the rut. His number one customer Dumbledore had asked him to kill Ron. As you may know Ron was Harry's best friend. They learned together, studied together, bathed together, and most importantly they bathed together. (They did that the most!) SO you can see Harry was not very enthusiastic about killing his baby's daddy. I mean best friend. You know what I mean. So Harry did what he usually did when he had a dilemma, he asked his best friend Herminoey Granger. Once Harry finally found Herminoey in the boy's bathroom he explained to her the situation. "Harry" , she said. "I am not sure what you should wear to lavenders baby shower, I recommend the red skirt."
"Thanks Herminoey you always help me out so much." , said Harry. "Oh also I am suppose to kill Ron what should I do about that".

"Yes that is quite the problem you have there Harry" , Herminoey said. "Well I think you should not kill Ron, I mean he's your best friend!"

"Good thinking Herminoey, you always give the best advice in the entire United States of America!" , Harry said.

"Harry we live in England" , Herminoey said.

"No we don't, shut up" and with that Harry ran from her as quickly as he could. "That crazy Herminoey" Harry thought. "Thinking we live in England, when this is clearly America. What is wrong with her" Harry thought out loud. "If she's wrong about that England thing, then she must be wrong about that advice she gave me too." He thought. "Besides" Harry added, "When has Herminoey ever been right anyway?" . With that he began his diabolical plan to murder Ron and feast on his organs for sustenance and for fun. Harry started by poisoning his waffles to make him sleepy, and then when he was very tired, he slit open his back and beat him with his own spinal cord. Then he cleaned up the blood just as he was taught in assassin collage and sent the body back to his parents with the following note,

" Dear Mrs. And Mr. Ron's parents,

I am a pirate. I killed your son. Argh. I do not live in Hogwarts. Send me money please.

Sincerely, Harry (crossed out) MEAN OL PIRATE

PS: yo ho yo ho a pirates life for me."

After this was all taken care of and he managed to get Hedwig to stop eating Ron's eyes witch were all ready pretty disfigured he went to get his money from Dumbledore. "Well Dumbledore I killed Ron pay me the promised 5000 dollars please!"

"Harry I told you to kill Neville not Ron." Dumbledore said with his all knowing twinkly eyes, which JK always mentions no matter how unimportant it is.

"Oopsie dasies" said Harry. "Cause I kinda already sorta killed him." Added Harry.

"Did you send the body back to his parents with a scary pirate note?" asked Dumbledore.

"Of course" said Harry." If its one thing I never forget it's the scary pirate note!"

"Yes, you were always one of my best students" said Dumbledore. And they laughed and laughed. THE END

SUPER SECRET SECOND ENDING DELUX!

That night Ron's parents received his body in a paper bag. They went on a murdering spree through magic town and were shot by the magic police. Herminoey got wizard cancer.