1A/N: So sorry for the delay. It took me a while to figure how to word this chapter and with the site being down and everything I couldn't post it. But here it is! Chapter 2!
Disclaimer: No I don't own Degrassi or any of the characters. I just own this poor excuse for a plot, but if I did own Degrassi I'd be the happiest girl ever! -
Is it Over?
Chapter 2: Craig's Thoughts and the Manny encounter
Craig's POV:
I finished walking back to my house as I still thought of the last thing she said to me.
It's Over
Funny how two words can shatter your whole world.
I tried to be perfect
She never did trust me enough to have a true relationship, there was always Ashley sitting there on the side waiting for me to crawl back to her. Usually it was true, I did crawl back; on my hands and knees all the way back to her. I didn't want to, but there was always something that pulled me back. She was my sanctuary, she was the one person I could always go to when I screwed up. She understood my situation better than anybody ever could, even better than I did.
But nothing was worth it
After a while I didn't want Ashley around, she was just too protective and due to my condition I felt like I needed her. Once she pushed me away I realized I didn't need her or anybody else. There was nothing left to care about, I was alone anyway.
I don't believe it makes me real
I realized that after I snapped and beat up Joey that I was gone. The real me woke up that morning and died that night. Out on my own I concluded that I was better off. Sure I didn't have anywhere to sleep and no food to eat, but it was better than being around anyone. It was better being alone.
I thought it'd be easy
The summer was horrible, never had I endured something so bad in my entire life. It was worse then losing my parents. When Joey brought me home I knew it was where I belonged; my home, my new sanctuary. The thing I didn't expect was who I saw, she had come back...back to finally be with me. Ashley had returned.
But no one believes me
For some reason I wasn't as ecstatic as she was to be back. When school started again people thought for sure that we were back together. She would hang all over me and make jokes about the past, sure I would laugh, but I wasn't happy. I tried to tell my friends, but they didn't believe me. They could only respond with ,'You love Ash, how can you not be happy?'
I meant all the things I said
It was then that I realized that my friends didn't know me as well as they thought they did. I had to tell her how it was, the way I truly felt about everything. Amazingly it was easier then I thought...for me at least. She laughed at me and just stared before she realized I wasn't joking. I remember the last words she told me before I walked out on her.
"Ash look I'm sorry, but I-"
She glared at me, "No Craig. I don't wanna hear it, you'll never change. You're still the same Craig that cheated on me last year, I thought things could finally work, but I guess I was wrong."
If you believe it's in my soul
For a while people began to wonder, 'what happened to the most likely to last couple in degrassi?' All my friends told me I was making the wrong choice and even people that I wasn't friends with made suggestions. What they didn't understand was that I didn't need anyone right now. I was fine by myself.
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own
It took a while before everyone got use to the new isolated me, I stopped rehearsing with the band and stopped hanging out after school. I didn't eat much and stopped sleeping almost permanently. It was as if I went into a depression from being back. I looked around my room and thought about my life.
'Why is everything so different now? I wish it could go back to normal, but that would mean being back with Ash and starting everything over...I do NOT want that.'
This place is so empty
When I woke up the next morning I felt so gone. Like as if I wasn't here and someone had taken my life in the night. It was then that I pinched myself just to make sure I wasn't dreaming; pain, yup I was still alive.
I heard Joey and Caitlin chatting downstairs and Angie singing in her room, although they were all there I felt like I was alone. Like I lived in solitude, it was nice.
My thoughts are so tempting
I walked past them without saying a word before walking off to school. As always I passed the bridge that looked over the ravine. I wonder how it would feel if I just leapt and pretended life was a game and I had lost. The game was finally over for me, I had lost it all, lost Manny, lost my family, lost my mind. I looked over the edge, it was pretty high.
I don't know how it got so bad
Suddenly I slipped and my whole body flung forward toward the edge, I quickly caught myself on the ledge before screaming. A few minutes later I had picked myself up and was back on track to school.
Sometimes it's so crazy
Before I walked into Degrassi I took a deep breath, it had been a while since I was at school and I wasn't sure how people were going to react. I walked into the building receiving many glances and looks before I was approached by Marco.
That nothing can save me
"Hey Marco."
"Craig...where the hell have you been? Everyone wondered if you were put back into the hospital or something and-"
"Is that all you people think about?" I started to yell louder, "EVERYTHING ISN'T ABOUT MY MEDICATION! I AM NOT CRAZY!"
But it's the only thing that I have
I walked away before Marco could say another word, I was on my way to my locker when I passed Manny. She was alone putting her books in her locker, our eyes met for a second before she started walking away.
If you believe it's in my soul
I wanted to walk up to her and say hi, I wanted to ask her how she was and how everything was going, but I didn't. I knew it would just be an awkward situation for the both of us, but I didn't want things between us to be over. I just cared about her too much to even think about it.
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own
As the day went on nobody talked to me, I was left alone as usual to mind to myself. It was just like before except worse, I was glad that certain people left me alone. I didn't want Ash or Ellie talking to me, they would only bring more trouble. I knew it even before I came back to degrassi, I've become independent and I don't need anyone.
On my own
Except her. Never did I want to talk to Manny so bad, it had been over a month since I spoke a word to her, I heard rumors that she was back with JT, but sleeping with Spinner while Paige was off with her student teacher and secretly jealous. The school had gone to hell in just one month over rumors and lies. Nobody would ever know the truth about anyone and it was always that way. But Manny, I knew about her. She was by herself, no JT and no Spinner. Even if we weren't together, that one second where we locked eyes opened everything up to me, that one glace told me everything that happened.
She wanted to be perfect for everyone after we broke up, but being perfect isn't easy. I've tried.
I tried to be perfect
When I first moved here I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be the perfect photographer, the perfect student, the perfect boyfriend, but I realized that I wasn't trying to impress anyone except myself.
It just wasn't worth it
It wasn't worth it for either of us, for me or her. She couldn't take trying to be a good person, everyone had already labeled her as a boyfriend-stealing slut. How could you change a rumor like that?
Nothing could ever be so wrong
For a while we used this to our advantage, I did what I wanted and she went from boyfriend to boyfriend, she never slept with any of them though, except for me. It was back in grade nine when we first hooked up at a carnival. It wasn't the best experience, but I did have fun. It was hard for me to tell her that I couldn't be with her, I think it was right then that I broke her heart.
It's hard to believe me
I didn't mean it, honestly I didn't. At that point in my life I had become strung around Ashley and I was blind. She was the only thing I saw. It wasn't until I was in grade 10 and she put herself out there completely. I won't lie to you, I saw her in a way I've never seen her before. Never did I think of Manny as anything more then a friend until that point. She use to remind me of Angie, but now...now she's much older and more mature. So when me and Ashley began to fight she was there to catch me. Bad move.
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along
I knew that it wasn't the best thing, but I guess you could say I was on the rebound at that point and I wanted nothing more, but to be with her. She was so beautiful and so innocent. All she wanted was happiness and I wanted to give it to her. But after Ashley came back to me I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be with Manny, but with Ashley at the same time. I had gotten myself into quite a predicament.
If you believe it's in my soul
When they both found out I lost it. I was alone again, just how I didn't want it. Now look at us. Ashley hates me because I broke up with her, Manny hates me because I can't be faithful to her, and me? I'm completely gone. All my friends steer clear because they think I'm crazy and girls know about my reputation so who would want to be with a two-timing boyfriend?
I'd say all the words that I know
I walked to my last class before I saw her again, I couldn't help myself, I had to say something.
"Manny!" I called out, she looked right through me with an icy glare. She began to walk away, I started to follow her.
She walked behind a corner and dropped her books before curling into a ball, never had I wanted to hold her, tell her everything is okay more then that moment.
"Manny?" I whispered. She looked up at me with her tear filled eyes and started to get up.
"No, please don't run. Just let me talk to you okay?"
She cried harder into her knees, I knew it was hard for her, I had treated her so horribly. I wouldn't want to talk to me either.
"Manny, I'm sorry. You need to understand that I never meant to hurt you at all. I wanted nothing, but for you to be happy even if I had to be miserable."
There were so many things running through my mind that I wanted to tell her. About how I never truly loved Ashley, about how she had to believe I changed, but did I? I wasn't sure if I believed this myself.
I could tell it took everything in her just to speak to me, "Craig, I want to believe you okay, but this is hard for me. I'm sure you've already heard all the rumors. After you left people thought I got knocked up again and you dropped out to get a job to support the family. Now that you're back I'm apparently sleeping with everyone. Why does everything always have to go wrong? I wish you could just leave me alone. You know that you're in love with Ashley and so do I. Just stop caring about my well being and be happy."
Not once did she look at me, I turned her chin to face me.
"Manny, I...don't...love...Ash. Okay? I realized that I never did. That month away made me realize a few things. I've never felt more alone in my entire life. There's no one to help me. Joey and Caitlin are only there physically. I need someone who can be with me mentally, spiritually, and physically. I want that someone to be you Manny."
Just to see if it would show
She shook her head, "Are you sure this time Craig? Because I thought that's how it was before, no Ashley and just me. How can I trust you enough to believe you?" She started to yell with tears streaming down her cheeks.
"I love you Craig okay? But I can't be in love with you if I can't trust you. I'm not quite sure you've changed. I see the way she looks at you, she still wants you Craig. Last time you told me you didn't want her and look what happened. I realize you've been through a lot these past few months, but so have I. I wanted nothing more but to crawl up into a ball and hide in my room for the rest of my life. I couldn't just not come to school like you could because at least you could use an excuse. I don't have any disease that'll let me take off months and get away with it. And how do I know this is really you talking not Crazy Craig? Hmmm? You know the one who thought we could have a baby and raise a family, the one who said he loved me and wanted nothing, but my happiness. Or is this the real Craig, the one who isn't even sure who he is anymore?"
That I'm trying to let you know
I couldn't believe all the things she was saying.
"You know, I thought you of all people might be able to understand how I'm feeling. Maybe realize that my condition is a sensitive subject, but no. Not even you can understand what's been going on. THERE IS NO CRAZY CRAIG! I've always been this way, I don't have an alter ego and I don't have any problems. I want everyone to treat me the way that I treat them, with respect and with kindness. Not judgmental. And you damn well know if we worked hard enough we could have raised that child, she would have been beautiful just like her mother and would have had the same talents as both of us, but no. You had to dispose of her like garbage or something. Let someone take her from you and from me just because you didn't think we could handle it."
"Craig I was 14 okay! I wasn't ready for a baby or for a family, sure I loved you, but all the responsibility, I'd have to quit school. I could kiss my gymnastics career goodbye and never would I be able to be a normal teenager again. Maybe someday you will have a daughter and so will I, but not now. I haven't been trying to judge you Craig. Everything had just gone down hill and I'm just not sure you can fix it the way you think you can."
That I'm better off on my own
"You know what? I'm not going to take this. I've said all that needed to be said. It's up to you how you want things to go. I want to be happy Manny and I want to share my happiness with you. But if you're going to treat me like this then I don't need anyone."
"Treat you? How about the way you treated me Craig? I was your little sexy piece of ass in grade 10 and then the way you played me out and back in grade nine when you broke my heart. You treated me like shit, but you know what? I loved you and I still do, yet you continue to tell me that you love me, but still treat me the same. How am I suppose to trust you after all you've done? Over and over I've been through nothing, but pain and torture. I want to be happy and I want you to be happy too, but it just seems like we can't be happy together."
She got up and gathered her books, "I'm sorry Craig. I want you to be happy."
"But Manny I'm only happy with you. I stood up and placed my hand on her cheek before kissing her.
She pushed me off of her, "Craig what the hell are you doing! Why do you always think you can fix things with a kiss?"
"Oh please Manny you know you wanted it," I yelled.
"You know what Craig? I don't think you know what I want anymore. But I think I know one thing, I don't want you!" She ran off into the distance without looking back.
I sighed and laid against the lockers while running my fingers through my hair. It felt like grade 10 all over again. 'Why is it so hard to make her see how much I care? Maybe she's right, maybe I should just leave her alone. She seems to be doing better off without me.'
I managed to pull myself up and walk out the doors. As I began to walk back to my house the rain began to fall. I wanted nothing more, but for it to drown my sorrow. The rain always seemed to keep me calm, keep me collected. It helped me realize so many things.
Manny. Just the sound of her name made me feel at ease, it was so hard to express things I was feeling. She couldn't understand what I was feeling. She'll never understand how lost I really am. I want her back so bad, but will it ever happen? Only time can tell.
Ashley. The anger I felt with just the mention of her. For so long I felt like she was the one. She lured me into thinking she was this perfection. This flawless person that I was meant to be with, it wasn't until Manny that my mind was changed. She however, had no problem ruining that no only once, but twice. Never again would I be romantically linked to Ashley Kerwin, because among the two of us there was no romance.
When the rain began to pour out of the sky I sighed. I couldn't just let her go, but how else could I change her mind? I've tried so hard and now, I feel as if I've lost her for good.
Everything has fallen to pieces.
A/N: Ok well next chapter will be Manny's POV. I hope the song was incorporated well with this fic. Not sure how long until the next chapter, but hopefully it'll be soon. PLEASE REVIEW! )