I couldn't look him in the eye. I was afraid if I did, I'd see a lie that would ruin everything he was saying. I just couldn't force myself to ruin what I'd been waiting to hear for so long.
"Do you have any idea how I felt when you said you didn't love me? Do you understand how much my heart broke and ached whenever you left?" Suddenly I was so mad I couldn't see straight. Oh fuck, I was pissed. I had no trouble looking him in the eye anymore.
"I hate you! You ruined my life! Don't you get it? Goddammit! I hate who I've become! I'm a drunk, a slut... You left me without so much as a fucking goodbye! How.. How could you do that? How..."
I was starting to cry. As the tears began rolling down my cheeks my heart sank further into my stomach.
"How could you EVER do something so terrible to someone you love?"
There was no holding it back now. I began to cry as if I'd never cried before and the tears poured out of me like they would never stop.
"I am so sorry," he whispered, "I know you'll never believe me, but I couldn't stop thinking about you. The whole time I was with her, I thought of you. Every single day."
"Stop it! I don't care! I don't want to hear it!" I screamed.
"EVery morning I'd wake up and roll over, expecting to find you but you weren't there. I dreamed about you every night."
"I hope you die! Fuck you!" I began to walk away. How could he do this to me!
"I miss you.. stop, Come back! I need you in my life and you aren't here and I can't stand that!" he called after me.
"Yeah?" I whipped around, "And whose fault was that?" I glared angrily at him.
"I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved another living being ever!"
"SHUT UP!" I began to cry again.
"I died everyday when I realized that I'd fucked up so badly that you'd never forgive me!"
He looked as if he were about to cry. I didn't care.
"Don't do this to me again, Jim. I can't take this. I will die if I get you and then lose you again. Please, just leave me alone. Don't say anything else to me. Go away."
"I can't stand living without you! I hate myself! I'm such a fucking idiot. I'm an asshole and I'm SO sorry! I am so so sorry. I'm sorry a million times over!"
"No no no!" I wiped the tears from my eyes and gulped.
"I love you! I've always loves you! It wasn't over Chelsea!"
He was crying now, tears rolling down his face.
"It still isn't over!" He pulled me towards him and I struggled, beating him with my fists.
"DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN! I HATE YOU!"
But he kept pulling.
"I hate you, I hate you!" I screamed, feeling his body shake with sobs.
"I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. I have been torturing myself for months over this. I am so sorry Chelsea," he whispered.
"I loved you," I said, looking at the floor, "I loved you so much I couldn't even understand. We came into this together and then you left alone, leaving me to there to put the pieces back together and now that I'm so close to being normal you have to come fuck it all up again. I was just a little kid. Just leave me alone." I pulled out of his embrace. "I can't talk to you."
"I loved you then. I never stopped loving you!" He grabbed my wrist. "I still love you."
"Leave me alone! Fuck you!" I tried to get away from him. I could not lost him all over again.
"PLEASE! Chelsea! I LOVE YOU!" He looked into my eyes, both of our faces tear-stained.
"You, Chelsea. You are the reason I am alive. You are the reason I live everyday. You are my life, the reason I get up in the morning. YOu are my everything."
"No.." I began to cry all over again.
"Yes." He pulled me into his arms.
And I let him hold me. And he let me cry out all of my hatred. And I let him hate himself. And he left me forgive him after so many years in which I had prayed for death.
And we let one another love again. And we knew it was going to be okay.