Moments: Absolutely Freakin' Hilarious, a stargate: sg-1 fanfic

Title: Moments: Absolutely Freakin' Hilarious

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: PoV, Missing Scene, Angst

Content Level: 13+

Content Warnings: Refers to major character death. Some use of mild language

Pairings: None.

Season: 5

Spoilers: Meridian, Revelations

Summary: Jack's thoughts about Daniel as he sits alone in the cargo ship on his way to the mission in Revelations

Status: Complete. A series of standalone PoV ficlets based on a moment from an episode.

Archive: Fic with Fins, Jackfic, SJD, Gateworld, FanFiction Net

Author's Note: Dedicated to Lída Dudáková as this moment was inspired by her drabble, "For Once". Fulinn28 made the wonderful book cover that illustrates this fic on my site from a screen cap of the moment. Thanks Bonnie. Called a drabble fliclet because each individual paragraph is 100 words long. This series is not necessarily written or appearing in episode order so does not follow a particular sequence - except my whim in writing them.

Absolutely Freakin' Hilarious

Carter thinks I'm heartless and cold, but just because I don't wear my heart on my sleeve doesn't mean I don't have one. If only she knew… but I can't show her, or anyone. I can't let them see that aching, black chasm in my soul. Doesn't she realise that the only way I can deal with Daniel's loss is to keep working? It's fine for her with her doohickeys to distract her, but what about me? I've got nothing. I'm a soldier, a warrior. It's what I do, what I'm good at and everything I know. So, go figure!

I need to do something because I can't just sit on my ass doing nothing. I never want to go back to that dark, forbidding place I was in when Charlie died. Sitting here is driving me nuts enough, but not as nuts as sitting back in Colorado. At least I'm on my way to doing something, I hope. I need to be out here, to forget. I miss him so much. I was right that he could be a pain in the ass. He got us into sooo much trouble, but he was worth all of that, and more.

He saved my life, my soul. If not for him I'd be dead now and I'm glad I'm not, despite all the pain and frustration. At least that tells me I'm still alive. I still have something to live for: saving the planet, the universe, again… and saving my friends, being there to bring them home, not letting them down. I let him down, though. I brought him home but it might as well have been in a body bag. I lost one of my team, and a man I considered a friend. That hurts more than I can say.

I couldn't save him. I don't really understand what happened right at the end there, all the glowy stuff, but I know it means he's around somewhere. It wasn't final. That's something, I guess, although not much because he's not anywhere around here bugging my ass. I miss you, Daniel, and wish you weren't gone. You broke the rules and left us behind. What am I meant to do now? You've been around for so long that I don't know what I'll do without you. I'll get by, I know that, and I'll get over it, but it hurts, dammit!

And what pearls of wisdom did the ever expansive and expressive Colonel Jack O'Neill of the USAF summon up to say as his friend is dying? "I may have, might have, grown to admire you a little, I think." May have? Might have? I think? Jeez, Jack, you could have done better than that, for crying out loud! You could have been a little more gracious, and honest. Daniel and I were like chalk and cheese, and he could be way too irritating, but he was my kind of cheese. Or was he the chalk? Oy! Who the heck cares?

I never was any good at that touchy, feely stuff. Words, feelings; they so aren't me. That was his area of expertise. I should have said I respected him and that my admiration was way more than merely that. In my own strange way I loved him like a brother. Did he understand or know that? How could he? We did nothing but bicker and poke fun at each other for five years. I should have told him and wish I could, but I doubt I'd do it any better now, or that I'd even try. That's just not… O'Neillish.

He saved me, but I couldn't save him. On that first mission to Abydos I was in that dreadful dark place, ready to die, and he pulled me out: Daniel, Skaara, the other kids. He made me want to live, and care, again. When we went back that second time I was really pleased to see that geeky face of his, and that smile. It warmed my heart that he was happy. That sure was cut short. He so loved Sha're and he'd found a home. Lucky guy. I doubt he ever really felt at home back on Earth again.

I tried, and he settled, but was never quite at home. Grinding his own flour made him happy; that was really something. When he told me, I could picture it and understood why he felt he'd found home on Abydos. It was like he belonged. Then he lost it all in one brief moment and became so helpless and alone. I'd been there and done that, so I knew. I bet he never figured weary and cynical old soldier Jack O'Neill could empathise, but I did. Has he found that home again now? I hope so because he deserves it.

If he's doing good the way he wanted then that's cool I guess. Maybe he can vanquish his demons and redeem himself for whatever sins he thinks he committed. Believe me, Daniel, you are no sinner. You are one of the good guys. If it was me then we really would be talking sinner, but you? I guess you never forgave yourself for not saving Sha're, just like I've never forgiven myself for Charlie. Now I have to add your loss to my sins. I never should have let it happen. It was my job to protect, but I didn't.

You always poked your nose in where you shouldn't, Daniel, and it got us into a heap of trouble, made us many friends, and saved our lives sometimes too. I know I never listened to you, but you were enough to try the patience of a saint and I'm certainly not one of those. I never needed the detail, only the bottom line. You never did understand that and nor does Carter. Teal'c's different; he doesn't waste words and that's my kind of guy. But I was more than surprised to find that you were my kind of guy too.

An old dog can learn new tricks, Daniel, and you taught this one plenty. Same goes for the whole team, I figure. The last few years have been one heck of a ride: weird, wild, exhilarating, and damned terrifying sometimes, but I would hate to have missed it. Now it's the end of an era and nothing will ever be the same again. My life without you in it would have been so different. Now you aren't in it anymore and, it sounds pitiable, but I'll be impoverished by that lack. You'll never know it, and nor will anyone else.

There's some tricks that an old dog can't unlearn, my friend, and that's one of them; hiding behind the O'Neill façade. We all have one of those. You did. I know you were often terrified but you were determined, and one hell of a hero, Daniel. Geek boy became brave man. Peter Parker without the spideriness. You changed too because of me and the others, and our mixed up crazy lives. It was a good change though. Shame you weren't really Superman. We never found any kryptonite, only naquadria, so you would still be here and life would seem normal.

It's never gonna seem normal again now. I'll have to choose some fourth guy to take your place but that is just wrong on so many levels. How can someone else take your place? Some stranger that doesn't fit? No one can fit. You would laugh your ass off if you could hear this, Daniel, and maybe you can. I just more or less admitted that you fit. I figure you'd think that a minor miracle! You kind of grew on this old war horse over the years, my friend, and now there's a hole where you used to be.

Sheesh, I've gone soft! That's kinda funny. Absolutely freakin' hilarious. I'm laughing in the aisles. I doubt Carter would agree that I've gone soft. She thinks I'm solid naquada through and through right now, but you and me know different, don't we? Crap, what if you can read my mind? That's just plain scary. If you can, stop it right now Daniel. These are my thoughts and they are strictly private. You know how I hate sharing! We said our goodbyes and that's it, right? Go spook someone else. Try Carter. I'd bet what she's thinking right now is priceless.

The End