Chapter Two

Erestor sincerely did not want to talk to Celeborn. There was a good reason he had been avoiding him all these months. He had never imagined that Celeborn would take the trouble to actually come here to press the issue. Clearly, Celeborn retained stronger feelings about their week-long affair than he did. What scared Erestor was that part of him violently wanted Celeborn again. Celeborn was reliable, and supportive, and loving, in every way that Glorfindel was not. Celeborn was the one elf with whom Erestor could see himself letting go. And that scared him badly. But it was unavoidable. Erestor more or less ran Imladris, and could hardly ignore Celeborn. However, it also meant that he could control the conditions under which they met.

Which was why he orchestrated a meeting for the two of them in the gardens, in a very public setting. They could talk privately, but there was no way that Celeborn could try to seduce him. Erestor arrived early, and draped himself across the bench, closing his eyes and hoping to get some sleep. He slept so poorly that it was a wonder that he was not dropping off a dozen times a day.

"Tired, meleth-nin?" asked a delicate voice by his ear. And then a gentle chuckle.

Erestor opened his eyes and raised an eyebrow. "You still dare call me that? When you know I have a lover? And that we are in a public place? My lord, you need to watch the way you speak. We are not in Lorien any longer."

"No, we are in your domain." Celeborn sat back on the bench, still quite uncomfortably close to Erestor. Only uncomfortable was the wrong word. Erestor was not the slightest bit uncomfortable by the fact that they were nearly touching, that in fact, their clothes were touching. That was precisely the problem. However, Erestor had made the mistake of sitting right on the edge of the bench, so in order to move away, he would have to fall of the bench.

"What did you think to gain by coming here, Celeborn? You know that there can be nothing between us. I have a devoted lover. I am happy. I…" Erestor faltered. Saying that he was happy had been far too large of an overstatement for his mind and body to happen. A million memories and recollections suddenly flooded his mind. He fell forwards, unable to control himself at all. Celeborn's strong arms caught him, and propped him back up. Erestor was thankful to notice that Celeborn's arms remained around him no longer than was strictly necessary.

Celeborn studied Erestor with no small concern. "What was that, Erestor? What is troubling you? And are you sure that this was the best place for this meeting? I am sure that we could have benefited from a more…private setting." His hand rested gently on Erestor's shoulder in a manner that far bypassed that of a supportive friend. "Come, Erestor. Let us go inside."

Erestor shook his head. "No. That was precisely why we are doing this here. I cannot let you…"

"Cannot let me what? Show you that I care, mellon? You are clearly hurting. And I want to talk to you about that. I am hurting too, you see. For there is someone in my life whom I care deeply about but who has been avoiding me like the plague. And that hurts me. A lot, Erestor. Please, can we talk in private?"

Slowly, shakily, Erestor rose to his feet. Suddenly, it felt like his whole world had collapsed at his feet. His vision was blurry and he could barely stand. Celeborn's arm went around his shoulder and pulled Erestor supportively to him, taking much of Erestor's weight. Slowly, they made their way inside, to Celeborn's guest rooms. There, Celeborn propped Erestor on a chair and gave him a glass of water, which Erestor took and drank thankfully. "Thank you," he said weakly. "But I cannot stay…"

"Erestor, you're not fit to go anywhere and you know it. Do at least one good thing today and don't collapse for me. Something is deeply troubling you, and the least you can do is talk to me about it." Celeborn seated himself next to Erestor and took his hand. Erestor leaned over and rested his head on Celeborn's shoulder. "Please, you know how deeply I care about you." There was a short pause. Erestor said nothing. Celeborn sighed. "You never mourned Elrond properly, did you, mellon? You were to busy keeping Imladris running, consoling Glorfindel…you never got to let it all out. And it's killing you."

Erestor was stunned at how right Celeborn was, as he hadn't even been around and yet understood the situation better than any of the elves in Imladris. Taking a deep breath, he said softly, "I just can't do it, Celeborn. I am one elf. I am nothing extraordinary. I cannot take on my burdens and Glorfindel's burdens and Imladris's burdens and not suffer from it. I just…can't. But there's no one else. I have to."

"That is what friends and lovers are for…"

"They don't understand!"

"No, no," said Celeborn soothingly. "You just imagine that they don't understand. I am sure that they can all see how deeply you are hurting. Don't shut them out just because you can. You should take whatever they have to offer you, no matter how big or small that contribution is. By blocking them out, you hurt them and you hurt yourself. You know this as well as I do. Let those who can help you help. You do not have to bear everything by yourself." Celeborn's hand traced idly down Erestor's back. "Let me help you. Let me take away some of your hurt. Let me help in what small way I can."

"I have a lover," said Erestor, his voice muffled, pressed as it was to Celeborn's shoulder. "And I will not betray him."

"Clearly, he does not make you happy."

Erestor sat up, tears streaked down his cheeks. He hadn't even realized he was crying. "That's not true. Glorfindel makes me happy." But he could contain that pretense no longer. "Celeborn…I want to be happy. I want to make him happy. I want this to work. I want him as my lover. I want…so much." He sat back in his chair. His hand on Celeborn's was the only touch that they shared at the moment.

"Erestor, you need to decide what you want. Glorfindel is clearly making you miserable. Whatever you tell yourself, you know that I speak the truth. If you were happy, you would not be this miserable. You need to find someone to make you less miserable. I'm not saying that it necessarily has to be me, but it has to be someone. You need someone, and you deserve someone. I would love to take away what pain I can, but I will not force that upon you. I care about you too much for that."

Erestor removed his hand from Celeborn's and slowly rose to his feet. "Celeborn," he said in a voice that was only shaking a little. "I am happy. I am happy with Glorfindel, and I am happy about the life we have together. I do not want more. I do not need your patronizing comments, and I don't need your seduction attempts. If that was the only reason that you traveled to Imladris, then you will have to return home with your mission unfulfilled. What happened between us meant nothing. It was harmless fun. I enjoyed it, but I moved on. Do us both a favor and do the same."