I'm baaack!

Guess what? Today, as in March 14, 2005, is my fifteenth birthday! Now you probably know what the Pi90 means, huh? (frowns) No, I am not a math nerd! I just find it cool that my birthday (pi) is used as a major part of people's lives everyday. (jumps up and down excitedly) Yay! I'm finally fifteen!

Well, it seems you guys really like this story! Since you like it so much, I've decided to update quicker than I intended. (sniffles) It will be a disappointment compared to the first chapter! However, it will have a few interesting points that will, hopefully, make it worth it.

In addition, I must ask that you don't rush me with this story! I have most of Dead of Night figured out, but I'm writing Suicide as I go. I spent all night thinking of this chapter (9 PM-2 AM), so you better be happy!

(yawns) Sorry. Didn't mean to yell at ya. Just about everyone in my family and school is mad at me for getting an account here. I have so much homework, it's literally weighing me down (we students shouldn't keep stuff in backpacks), I'm broke, got a lot of chores at home, new baby here any day now, and yet, my main concern is updating for the readers that leave such fantastic reviews!

Honestly guys, just one review makes me happy for hours on end, and this story got 14 of 'em! Thank you so much! Reading your thoughts is the best feeling I've ever experienced, so please R&R!

Okay, story time!

Disclaimer: My psychiatrist says I don't own the TMNT, but I'll just go into my own private little world and pretend I didn't hear him.

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He watched the dark river flow in thick rivulets down his brother's arm. Raphael couldn't understand why this was happening. Out of the four of them, Leo had always seemed the sanest, the most responsible.

But yet, no matter how many times Raph tried to believe this was a bad dream, Leo still sat here before him, looking at him as if nothing was wrong.

Leo… I-" he put a hand to his head, "why'd ya do this?"

Leo's eyes flickered down to the cut, then back. "Because."

Raph growled under his breath. He wasn't good at playing the responsible one in these situations. There was a reason for this, a reason that was quickly losing its patience. But he had to.

"Because… why?"

Leo got up off the dumpster, sheaving his katana. He opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something, then closed it again, shaking his head. "You wouldn't understand." The blue-clad turtle turned, heading for the sewers.

"Leo, I've known ya since- since forever. What makes you think I wouldn't understand?"

With a grunt, Leo lifted the manhole cover. "Well… granted, you may be the one who'd understand the most, but…" he looked Raph over, "it's the reaction I'm worried about."

Snap. There went Raph's temper. "What?" My reaction to you tryin' to kill yourself?" he asked, scorn laced in his voice.

Leo had been climbing down the ladder into the sewers, but now he stopped, looking up at Raph in shock. "You actually think I was trying to kill myself?"

"At least I was thinkin'!"

Leo dropped into the sewers, Raph jumping in after him. The murky water of the tunnels splashed at his feet. To his surprise, his brother was waiting for him at the bottom, instead of taking off.

"Raphael," he said, "I've been thinking practically my entire life. I've practiced Ninjitsu all my life. The only hobby I've ever really had is planning, understanding you guys. Don't I at least get a chance to mourn?"

"No one said you couldn't! But this-" he lifted Leo's right arm, pointing to the wound, "this ain't healthy!"

"Neither is trying to hang yourself after fighting with your brothers and getting sent to your room."

"That was a long time…" Raph stared, "how'd ya know about that?"

Leo shrugged. "You had a look; I followed you to your room and watched you."

"But we were only ten…"

"I sacrificed myself when we were six."

Raph raised an eye ridge. "Sacrifice?"

Leo's eyes widened. "You wouldn't get it." He headed off to the lair. "Raph, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell Mike or Donny about this."

The red-clad turtle shook his head, still amazed at how Leo had known about his attempted suicide, and now confused. Sacrifice? What'd he mean about that?

"Look, Leo. How can ya honestly expect that I'd keep this from them? They deserve to know that their big brother's tryin' to off himself!"

Leo turned sharply. "For the last time, I'm not trying to kill myself! If I were, I would of cut the wrist, not the arm!"

Raph winced at Leo's bluntness.

"You say that you know me, Raphael, but if you can't even realize that I could never be so selfish, you'll never know who I am." He scratched himself in frustration. "Besides, who are you to judge me? You actually meant to kill yourself! Heck, if that beam hadn't broke, you might be dead!"

"And you would've just watched!"

Raph watched the look on Leo's face and knew what he said was cold.

"Raph…" Leo's voice shook, "I would prefer to die a thousand of the most painful deaths than to have any of my brothers die. When you put that noose around your neck, I took out both of my katanas. If you came any closer to death than you did, I would've sliced that rope. I wouldn't have let you die."

They were silent walking back to the lair, each preoccupied with their own thoughts. Just as they reached the door, a cough from Raph demanded attention. "Did you ever tell Splinter?"

"No."

"You serious?"

"Yeah. He didn't need to know. If you had tried it again, though, I would've."

"You probably should've."

Leo nodded. "Yeah, probably."

The door to the lair opened and Leo walked in. Raph put a hand on his shoulder, turning him around.

"What'd ya mean about 'sacrifice'?"

"Umm… nothing."

"It ain't nothing! Will ya stop lying to me, damn it! What's it mean?"

"You wouldn't get it…"

Raph got right up in his face. "Try me."

Leo closed his eyes. "When we were six-years-old, I realized that someday Master Splinter would die. I couldn't figure out who would take care of us after that. Eventually I decided it'd have to be me."

Leonardo moved to the couch, grabbing one of the many pillows that decorated it. It was Donny's idea. For the first several weeks, Mikey would fall asleep on the couch. It wasn't long after that that Leo started passing out there as well.

Leo walked over in the direction of Donny's lab with the pillow. "All I could think about was how you three would take it. Then I thought: What would I do? I couldn't afford to lock myself up in my room, especially when I had three little brothers to look after."

They stopped at the door to the lab. "So what'd ya do?" Raph asked.

"I sacrificed myself, my being. I spent our entire youth trying to be as grown up as I could."

"You always were a party-pooper." Raph joked.

A hint of a smile. "I tried to play with you guys. We had fun, sometimes." The smile faded. "But most of the time, I was either trying to prepare for the way you'd react or trying to get over the death that hadn't even come yet."

Raph thought over what his brother had said while watching Leo enter the lab and slip the pillow under Donatello, who was asleep in his chair, head on a table. After making sure that their purple-clad brother was sleeping peacefully, Leo walked back to Raph shutting the door.

"Eventually," he said, "I got to know you as well as I know myself. Or, at least, I hope so. And there was only one string attached."

Already knowing the answer, Raph played along. "Which was…?"

"Me. I wouldn't take Master Splinter's death so hard and I'd be able to help my brothers. All I had to do was give up the foundations of life: a childhood, or a turtlehood, I guess. Basically, the only point to my life is protecting you guys."

Raph looked at Leo sadly for a minute while following him upstairs. He'd never realized that this was how Leo placed himself in the family, in the world.

"Leo, we can take care of ourselves." Raph said, trying to put the edge back into his voice. "You don't have to protect us. Ya can't. Someday, we're gonna die, and it won't be your fault when we do."

Leo sighed, heading towards Mikey's room. "And I suppose you're gonna tell me that it wasn't my fault Splinter died too?"

They'd been down this path before. "It wasn't!" he growled through clenched teeth.

"I was right there! If I hadn't moved-"

"If you hadn't moved, you'd be dead instead of 'im! Besides, you said so yourself, you knew he would die someday. Stop feelin' so goddamn guilty!"

"I can't!" Leo shook his head, trying to calm down. "I can't. I knew he'd die, but it still doesn't feel right…." He turned and walked into Michaelangelo's room, Raph following cautiously. You never knew what kind of death traps were hiding in here.

Mikey was snoring, shivering slightly from the cold. Leo pulled a blanket over him and he stopped, a content look on his face. After that, they headed towards Leo's room.

In all his years, Raph had never really noticed how well Leonardo knew him and his brothers. It was like he picked up on the silent cries for attention that they didn't even know they were uttering, sometimes. He himself had never gotten that close to anyone.

The blood on Leo's arm was still dripping. Amazingly, none had gotten on the floor. That was probably due to the fact that most of it had dried, leaving the fresh blood to get trapped in its crimson mountains.

"What're ya gonna do about that?" Raph asked, indicating the cut. "You should let Donny take a look at it."

"No, that's okay. I'll take care of it." Leo sat down on his bed, pulling out some hydrogen peroxide that Donny had given him, along with some bandages.

"Leo, at least let me help ya."

"I'm ambidextrous."

"Just because you can fight with a katana in both hands doesn't mean it ain't easier for someone else to fix ya up." He took the bottle of peroxide. "Now how do ya use this stuff?"

After a long explanation, a too thorough cleansing with the peroxide, which only made the wound sting and bleed more, and a shot of morphine, Raph had finally managed to wrap Leo's arm.

"Uh, Leo?"

"Hmmm?"

"Why'd ya cut yourself? If you were so used to the idea-"

"I failed Master Splinter, as a student and a son. I may have been used to the thought, but he deserved…" the morphine was doing its job, "I needed to feel the pain. I had to mourn."

"There's other ways to mourn, ya know?"

Leo nodded, only half-conscious.

Raph sighed. "Lay down, bro."

Leo complied.

"Tomorrow, you're gonna sleep in, okay? I'm gonna talk to the guys, so just deal, you got it?"

He hesitated before answering, "Fine… whatever…"

Raph turned out the light. "I'm getting' Don to look at that tomorrow. He knows more about that medical shit than I do."

Leo just muttered, "…language…" before slipping into a drug induced sleep, probably the most peaceful one he'd had in years.

Raph watched his chest rise and fall before leaving the room. He took his stake on the floor, near the doorway, waiting for Donny and Mikey to wake up while keeping an eye on Leo. He wanted to make sure his brother didn't do any more 'mourning' in the middle of the night.

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Well, that's Chapter 2! Hope you all say tuned for the next one! I promise to make it more emotional. But first, I have to type up the next chapter to Dead of Night! Ah, there's so much to do and so little time! Oh well, I'll make time.

Thanks for readin'! Now please review!