The sky is falling and we're all gonna die!

(laughs) I got tired of just saying hello and thought that would be more fun! But I'm paranoid so don't be surprised if in some point in my life I think that that's true.

Sorry it took so long to get this up. It was a hard chapter to write! (sniffs) And the school closed the library, so I can only update every other day there now.

I just got my yearbook! And oh my God is it heavy! I just accidentally dropped it on my shoulder when I was trying to balance it and I can already see the bruise starting to form.

Okey dokey, let's get this show on the road!

Disclaimer: Let's not talk about what I don't own; mainly the Ninja Turtles. Why don't we talk about what you don't own? There must be something that I have and you don't!

&&&&&

He'd been doing a good job. At least, he thought so. Leo hadn't done anything too bad; in fact, his worse crime was practicing in the dojo for an hour longer than he should have. But that wasn't really that bad.

To his own surprise, Leo even discovered he was developing some sort of hobby. He'd always read books as a kid, but he'd never realized just how much he could really like them until these past few days. Now, he was reading just about every book he could get his hands on.

He'd already read lots of poetry. The blue-banded turtle had no idea where it had come from, but he'd been able to find a book of poems and short stories by Edgar Alan Poe. He read a piece every night. And then he even got a hold of a copy of The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He couldn't put it down; he finished it in a day.

Things were starting to get better between him and his brothers too. The only one he was still really having problems with was Raph. He could tell his temperamental brother was starting to lose his patience with him. Even though Raph was the one who'd talked him into trying and not giving up on them or himself, he was the very one who was giving up on him now. At least, that's how it seemed.

Leo could never figure out what he was doing wrong. Maybe Raph just had something else on his mind. But Leo was sure it was him. It was like what that one boy had told him all those years ago.

"'Brother' is just a word; a term. In fact, it's probably the only thing that's holding you together now, isn't it? I bet you guys used to be friends. Then, I don't know, you took different interests. Separated. Then you just watched out for each other, 'cause you're kin. But now they're looking at you, and they see someone different. And they wonder why they even devote all this time to helping you in the first place. And then… they'll just abandon you."

He still had flashbacks every now and then. That was the one he'd been meditating on for the past few hours. When Leo replayed it, he could just tell that the voice had been referring to himself during the last bit.

But Leo couldn't help but wonder if he was right.

&&&&&

Raph was still racking his brain over the question Donny had presented to him the other day. Not only was it really getting on his nerves, it was making his extremely irritable too.

Leo had been only six years old when he chose to 'sacrifice' himself. According to some people, he'd still only been a toddler. Little kids like that didn't regularly think of death when they were so young. Even if they knew what it is, and he and his brothers had, they usually didn't give it much though. Youth was a time for play.

So what had done it for him? Raph always ended up coming back to the question he'd started with. There were actually a few things he could think of, but none of them made any sense, since he was sure none of them had occurred in the sewers. And he was positive that Leo had never been topside until they were eight.

At least, that's what he thought.

The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he hadn't really learned all that much from Leo that one day when he hid himself in the shower. Mikey and Don hadn't found much out either.

Raph stood up, sighing angrily. He was getting tired of this game; waiting for Leo to remember what had happened to him so long ago. He wanted to know now. They could only help Leo so much until they got pass this block their elder brother had put up.

Maybe they'd find out something if they all combined their information together. But no, that wouldn't work. The only person Raph could believe had something meaningful was Donny, and it couldn't be much, since he wasn't getting very far in this mystery either.

Perhaps there were other options. "Hey, Donny."

Don was sitting in his lab with the door open, trying to piece the toaster back together. Mikey had absent-mindedly put bread in it… with peanut butter already on it. "Yeah?"

"Is there anything you can do to remember you-know-what a little faster? Hypnosis, or something?"

The purple-clad turtle shook his head. "I'm not going to put him under hypnosis, Raph."

"Why not?"

"One: it doesn't always work. Two: I don't quite know how to do it-"

"Jeez, Donny." Raph interrupted. "You're smart! You can figure it out!"

Donny sighed. "You didn't let me finish. I was willing to learn if Leo was willing to submit, but he didn't want to."

Raph was dumbfounded. "You already asked him?"

The turtle just nodded.

"Well, why don't ya just make him do it anyway?"

"Because," Don turned to Raph, "it's important that we don't make Leo feel too uncomfortable. Forcing memories back into your memory can have some side effects, especially if the person doesn't want them back."

"Can't ya just-"

"Raph," Donny looked at him sternly, "Leo is a person, a living, breathing life-form. He's not just something I can fix. Healing takes time."

Raph gritted his teeth. "I know that! But what else would you suggest?"

"Sodium Amytal."

"Soda what?"

A smile spread across Donny's face. "Sodium Amytal. It's a therapeutic drug; it's even used in dentistry. I suggested that to Leo too. It got a better response, but Leo didn't want that either."

Growling under his breath a little, Raph shook his head. "He's really startin' to get on my nerves. I think I'm gonna have a little chat with him."

"You can't push him, Raph. His behavior is… changing."

"What do ya mean?"

Donny sighed. "It's hard to explain. I think it has a lot to do with his flashbacks. Since it happened when he was a child, he's been gaining back some of his childlike mannerisms. For example: his dependency on others to make his decisions. From what I can understand, it originated as early as this started. We made it very clear that what he did wasn't good-"

"So what the heck does that have to do with anything?" Raph interrupted, a second time.

"He thinks he messed up again. But we haven't. It's like a child's role model, just a little different. We can do no wrong." He paused. "And also like a child, he's afraid of punishment. Leo thinks if he messes up again, he's failed, which is a punishment in itself for him. I'm starting to think that was how his perfectionist attitude came along. But that's why you have to be very careful with what you say around him."

"Why?"

"Our word is law. According to him, we know better. The actions are made subconsciously in his mind, but they affect every other part of him too."

Raph, by now, looked not only annoyed, but confused. "All this crap is giving me a headache."

Donny just rolled his eyes and turned back to his work with a smirk. "Go to bed Raph. You're starting to get on my nerves."

"Whatever." Raph walked out.

He really did need the sleep, but he felt the need to get out a little more. Just go topside for a little bit. What could happen?

&&&&&

"I'm telling ya, Leo, we should so totally sneak into Star Wars III this Saturday!"

Leo shook his head, smiling a little, but obviously not that interested. "I don't think so, Mikey."

"C'mon! Please, please, please, please, please? It's a once in a lifetime opportunity!"

"Can't you just wait until it comes out on DVD or video?"

Mikey sat up, an exaggerated look of shock on his face. "Uh, no! This is Star Wars we're talking about, not Toy Story! And it's the last one; the end of an era!" He smiled innocently. "Please? It'll be fun- and you know you want to go."

Shaking his head once again, Leo threw himself on the couch. "Whatever."

That was as close to a yes/no answer Mikey knew he could get. Leo was getting better, anyone could see that, but he was also heading in the opposite direction at the same time.

His decision-making problem was getting worse. When Leo actually did make his own decisions, it took a while for him to do it. It was actually kinda interesting to watch. He'd have this whole mental debate going on his head, sometimes even voicing both opinions to himself.

But most of the time, Leo did what he was told, and very seldom did he do anything else. It was getting to the point that he couldn't even decide what he wanted to read sometimes; having to get Donatello to choose for him.

Occasionally, the purple-clad turtle would budge, but he was now talking to Leo regularly about breaking that habit.

The problem was, no one really knew how it had started. And it was hard to get rd of such a weed when you couldn't find its root.

Sitting down, Mikey couldn't help but be proud of making such an analogy, though he was sure he hadn't been the first to come up with it.

He watched sadly as Leo stared up blankly at the ceiling. He hadn't been like this the last couple of days, he's just been worried ever since Raph had left an hour ago.

Somethings just wouldn't change.

Honestly, Mikey had been a little jealous that Raph was able to leave. He wanted to get out too. It was part of the reason why he'd tried to convince Leo to go to Star Wars. The orange-banded turtle was sure his big brother wanted some fresh air as well, but he wouldn't budge.

When Mikey looked up again, Leo was up, heading for Don's lab.

Yeah, he needed to get out of here soon.

&&&&&

Donny was moving from the fixed toaster to a broken Shell Cell when Leo poked his head through the doorway.

Walking over to him, the blue-banded turtle looked at all the broken items before him. "Jeez, how many things can Mikey break in one day?"

Don smiled. "On average? Two or three." He lifted up the broken Shell Cell. "Actually, you're the one that broke this."

"I did?"

He put it down. "Yep. But no biggie. I'll have it fixed in no time."

Stepping away from the table, Donny put a few things away. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Leo stare at the broken object in slight confusion.

It concerned him that Leo couldn't remember breaking it. It had only been yesterday. Within the past few days, he had become distracted, oblivious, just doing things out of habit and command.

It seemed that every time they got past one problem, another would take its place.

"Hey, Donny?"

Finished with his small task, Don turned around. "Yeah?"

Leo looked around the lab. "Are there any other books I could borrow?"

"You're already done with the ones I gave you yesterday?"

Leo nodded.

"Wow. Um, okay, let me find some more."

He walked out of the lab, Leo following at a distance. He wasn't really too surprised Leo had finished so quickly; the guy had plenty of time on his hands now. It was the interests Leo was taking that surprised him.

Don kept every book they were able to get on the bookshelf in his room, or Splinter's old room. It was surprising just how many books found their way into the sewers, especially the classics. I guess some people just don't have any respect for literature these days. Keeping up with the mental tab, Don remembered the books he'd lent to Leo so far.

Frankenstein, The Count of Monte Cristo, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Nineteen Eighty-Four, just to name a few. He was going through the works of Poe like a madman, favoring The Raven, The Cask of Amontillado, and The Tell Tale Heart.

He liked other books just fine. He'd already read a few of Michael Crichton's books with great interest. But he always came back to the ones before.

And that was frightening.

The emotions picked up from Leo's favorites were always dark. Horror. Revenge. Fear. Mistrust. Pain. Death.

Oh yeah. There was a lot of that one.

But more than those, each one was filled with mental anguish. Nineteen Eighty-Four: everyone's actions were watched scrupulously for 'face crimes'. Even thinking the wrong thing could get you in trouble. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: the never-ending controversy between good and evil; benevolence and cruelty; honor and degradation, and how each emotion and its opposite battled endlessly for control. The Raven was interesting, too;a story of loss and denial. Very fitting for what Leo was going through.

Every time he tried to talk to Leo about the 'sacrifice', they'd get as far as maybe a sentence of two before he'd start to hiccup. Then he'd completely refuse going any further. These books were all he had to learn from him.

Donny tried to read most of what Leo was reading, as a way into his head, but he went so fast; it was hard to keep up. But in all truth, Don was getting a little tired of all this. They all needed a break.

He came to his room. "Welcome back to the Library of Donatello! I think I'm going to have to get you your own card, you borrow so many books."

Leo just smiled and walked over to the bookshelf. Don looked at him and decided to try again. "Anything in particular you're looking to read?"

It was becoming impossible to get Leo to choose his own books. He always had to have Don pick for him.

The elder turtle turned to him. "Um, what's good?"

Don crossed his arms over his plastron. "Leo, we've talked about this. I can't always make your decisions for you."

Leo bowed his head. "I know."

Sighing, Don moved to the shelf. He needed to stop doing this as badly as Leo needed to stop depending on others. "This is the last time I'm doing this. Next time this happens, I'm gonna throw something at you that you won't like; like Alice in Wonderland, or something."

He turned his head back to see a huge grin plastered on Leo's face.

"You think I'm kidding, but I'm completely serious."

"Oh, I believe you. Really, I do."

Don went back to thumbing through the books. "Right."

He finally came to one. "Have you read Ender's Game yet?"

Leo shook his head.

"Then here you go. It's a little sci-fi, but I think you'll like it."

Nodding, Leo took it from him. Then his eyes fell on a few other books. "You still have those?"

Donny followed his gaze to a small collection of children's books. "Yeah. For sentimental reasons, mostly."

Leo picked up a worn and water-damaged copy of Grimm's Fairy Tales that they'd had since they were small. Several of the pages had been missing from every story when they found it. "I remember Master Splinter used to let you read to us at night sometimes."

Searching his memory banks, Don found he'd remembered too. Vaguely. They'd only been four. "Yeah, and if I remember correctly, you were the only one who stayed awake the whole time. And you always wanted me to read this one over again." He opened the book to a picture of a boy in peasant's clothing standing before a giant plant that rose up into the sky, then handed it to his brother. "I always wondered why."

Leo flipped through the book. "We were little. I guess I thought that maybe the story would change and we could finish it. I always wanted to know if Jack ever made it up the beanstalk."

&&&&&

All three of them had been in the living room when Mikey's Shell Cell rang. "Hello? Oh hey, Raph! What's up?"

The fact that Raph was apparently okay soothed Leo's nerves a little. He listened half-heartedly as the conversation continued- or at least the part he could hear.

"That's it? They sound just like some small time crooks… Well, when you put it that way… Fine with me… Sure you can talk to Donny. Heads up, Don!"

He threw the phone to the purple-clad turtle, who immediately put it to his ear. "Hey, what's going on?"

Leo watched as Mikey grabbed his nunchucks. Something was definitely up. Turning his attention back to Donny, Leo realized he'd missed a few parts of the conversation.

"Well sure, I'll come. I just don't see why he can't come either-"

"What!" He heard Mikey shout across the room. He went over to Don. "Gimme the phone."

"Hold your horses, Mikey. I'm not done talking to him yet."

"It's my phone!"

"I'm the one who made it!"

"So? I want to talk to Raph now!"

For a moment, Leo stopped wondering what they were talking about; watching them argue over the phone was just so funny.

Finally, Mikey was able to wrench the Shell Cell away from his brother. "Raph? What's the big deal? Why can't Leo come?"

Leo snapped his head up at that. Yeah, why couldn't he come? Wait, where are they even going?

From where Mike was standing, he could easily hear what Raph was saying. "'Cause he don't need to be here. There's no reason why he should! Besides, I don't quite trust him out in the open yet."

Mikey glanced at Leo; clearly seeing that he had heard that. When he didn't say anything, Raph apparently understood too. "Look, tell 'im that if he stays tonight, he's got my trust."

He hung up.

Putting the device away, Mikey shrugged. "I'd let ya go, Leo."

Donny, who had by now gotten his bo staff, walked over to them. "Is that okay? We won't be gone long."

No. "Um, yeah." I need to get out, too. "I'll be fine here. Where are you guys going?"

"Raph spotted a small gang tagging some walls a few blocks away." Said Mikey with a smile.

Leo nodded. His two brothers said goodbye and were gone in a flash.

"And then… they'll just abandon you."

"They're not abandoning me." Leo said to the empty room. He'd developed another habit of talking to himself. "They just need to get out. I can't blame them."

You should be out there with them. That was the whole point of sacrificing yourself, wasn't it? To protect them?

Yes, but I need to listen to them. I messed up.

They make mistakes, too. They're no more perfect than you are.

I don't want to be perfect.

But you want to help them, don't you? What if one of them gets hurt? What's the whole point of training yourself to be their protector if you're not going to use your skills?

They don't need a protector. They're not little kids.

They're not immortal, either! It may just be a small gang, but things can go wrong. Go and help them!

I promised…

Is that going to be your excuse when one of them comes home dead?

Leo frowned. He hated these little conversations. They turned even the smallest decisions into matters of Global Security.

But he had to admit, so many things could happen. And if they thought he was messed up now, just wait and see how crazy he could get if his brothers died. He'd never trained himself to handle one of their deaths.

That did it. He'd go.

He went.

&&&&&

It hadn't taken long to handle this gang. Most of them were only teenagers.

Then again, Mikey thought, so are we.

It was nice being topside again. A well deserved vacation; that had, of course, been ruined by these kids. But that didn't really matter, they'd been his ticket out.

Knocking one to the side, Mikey was about to make a pun when he heard the sound of a gun getting ready to fire. He turned to see a revolver pointed at him.

In the next second, the gun was gone and the guy was falling over, unconscious. Behind him stood none other than Leonardo.

Mikey smiled his appreciation. All the other goons were gone.

Unless you included Raph, who looked more or less peeved. And it didn't take a genius to know why.

Leo was going to get it when they got back to the lair.

&&&&&

"We would've been fine, Leo! I told ya to stay here!"

There had been more than one reason why Raph hadn't wanted Leo to come topside with them, the main one being that he knew he'd lose his temper with him. And he didn't want to do that when Leo was like this.

But Leo just couldn't stay away, could he?

Before Leo could say anything, Raph took his chance to go off again. "Mikey would've done just fine, too."

"Um," Mikey tried to talk, "actually-"

Raph paid no attention to him. "Ya wanna know what ya should've been doin'? Figurin' out what the heck happened to ya as a kid! That would help!" He slammed his sais down on the table in anger.

Don gave him a look that told him to stop. Raph vaguely remembered their conversation earlier today.

"…you have to be very careful with what you say around him."

Too late for that. He was pissed.

"Leo, I can't help ya with anything until ya get that memory back. I can pretend I am, but everything I do will just be a waste of time!"

Leo turned his head to look at him, a look of shock and realization on his face. But he didn't say anything. Donny was right; he was like a child in some case.

"Do you even get it?" Raph yelled at him. When he didn't answer, he decided on a different approach. If ya wanna get through to a child, just act like one. "Ya know what Leo? Sometimes I just wish you would go away!"

With that, he turned his back on him. He'd said that once before. Sure, he didn't mean it, and now he felt a little bad, but he was angry. No excuse. He'd apologize tomorrow.

He quickly got to the door, where Mikey was standing. His little brother looked at him, anger and sadness burning in his eyes. But then they flickered away from him, then back. And then they want back to what he'd looked at before, and widened in shock.

"Raph." That was Leo's voice.

Confused, Raph turned around. First thing he noticed was a look from Donny that said 'I told you, now look what you've done' while remaining extremely worried. But the next thing he saw made his expression turn into something like Mikey's.

"Shit."

&&&&&

Leo had only heard bits of what Raph had to say to him, but not because he wasn't paying attention. It was hard to hear two things at once.

"I can pretend, I am, but everything I do will just be a waste of time!"

"And they wonder why they even devote all this time to helping you in the first place."

"Sometimes I just wish you would go away!"

"And then… they'll just abandon you."

If he wasn't any good now, and if Raph wanted him gone, then why not? It'd be easy. And it'd be worth it.

Raphael had left his sais on the table. Good, something sharp.

"Raph." He waited until his brother turned around, eyes wide, before continuing. "I can go away, if you want me to." He placed the blade of the sai against his wrist. "I can die, if you want me to."

The red-clad turtle took a few cautious steps forward. "Look, Leo. I don't want you dead. I talked without thinking; I didn't mean what I said-"

"Yes you did. That's the thing about you Raph. You mean everything you say, because you speak without thinking."

"You know that ain't true!"

Actually, he didn't. He really didn't know anything anymore. And it was confusing him.

All of a sudden, Donny stepped in between them, giving Raph a 'back off' kind of look. Then he turned to Leo, who still had the sai resting on his wrist. "Did Jack ever make it up the beanstalk?"

"Huh?" This wasn't helping his confusion very much.

"Did Jack ever make it up the beanstalk? That's what you always wanted to know, right?"

Leo dragged the memory out of his brain. "Uh, yeah. I did." He had no idea where Don was going with this. They'd all known the rest of that story for a while now.

"He did. But you really should be asking how."

"How?"

Don moved closer to him. "He never looked down." He had to have seen the puzzled look on his face because he went on. "If he looked down, he would've lost his equilibrium and fallen and then he would've died."

Leo blinked. This meant something, he was sure of it.

"Everyone has their own beanstalk to climb, Leo. The past is behind us, and we're climbing towards the things we really want. If you keep looking at the past, you're going to fall." Don took a quick look at the sai before looking back at him. "Do you really want to die?"

Leo's breath caught in his throat. He sat through a flashback for a few seconds before looking back at his brothers. He hadn't even noticed that he'd dropped the sai.

Then he took off and out of the lair. All he could think of was that he had to run. Get away, to anywhere but here. And he had to keep running.

Because he was just like him.

&&&&&

I don't want to hear any complaints about the cliffie! I was planning on cutting it off before you guys got to see what Leo was doing, but I decided to be nice! And this is a super-long chapter, so be happy!

Anyways, remember the little argument Leo had in his head? Don't worry, he's not going schizophrenic. I have those conversations in my head too all the time.

(dances around) I got to see Star Wars III and it was the awesomest, saddest, and most thrilling movie ever! (giggles sheepishly) Yeah, I had to put it in.

Please review! Oh! And next chapter, we'll find out just what Leo saw/heard! Well, I already know- but you know what I mean!

'Til then!