"Mark? I'm off early today," Janeway slung her work on the table and went to look for her partner. "Hey, honey!" she greeted him with a smile. When he didn't respond, she moved closer and put a hand on his chest. "Mark, what's wrong?"

"How could you?" he asked her bitterly. "How could you do that and still be happy?"

"You're not making any sense," she told him. There was a sneer on his face.

"Of course not. Because you don't want to admit you were wrong. That Starfleet conditioning prevents you from seeing other sides when it suits you, to make you feel superior and in charge," he spat, an ugly expression twisting his face.

"Calm down," she said to him. "Let's try to talk about this rationally- oh!" he surprised her as he quickly caught hold of the hand that had been on his chest and twisted it.

"How could you kill me?" She gasped. "That's right. I had just as much right to live as you do. More! How could you become such a cruel, unfeeling monster?"

"What are you talking about, Mark?" Janeway said desperately. Then the man hurting her changed…into Tuvix.

"Now do you understand? Captain?" Tuvix said with venom.

"I didn't kill you," she found herself whispering. Her mind screamed at her that this could not be real, that it was only a dream, but she could not look away from him, eyes wide in horror.

"That's right, you go on saying that," the man sneered. "But you know, yes, you do, that you did kill me. What would Starfleet think of you? Killing an innocent man whose only crime was existing? Hmm?" She was frozen in place. "Nothing to say?" Tuvix leaned closer.

"Because you know I'm right."

"No…"

"So much for your vaunted principals!"

"I didn't-"

"You did!" his face twisted with fury. "I deserved to live! Why did you do that to me? With your own hands!"

"I didn't kill you! I did the only thing I could!" Janeway said, still whispering, though her voice was starting to spiral up in the hysteria she was struggling to contain futilely. "It was the only decision I could make! I didn't kill you!"

"Kathryn!" That voice didn't seem to be coming from Tuvix, but it sounded familiar. "Kathryn! Wake up!"

Wake up? Janeway opened her eyes to find herself in her bedroom, in Chakotay's arms. She clutched at him for support.

"Oh god…" she gasped, breathing hard. It was becoming increasingly difficult to draw oxygen into her lungs. "But I- it was- the only…I couldn't have," her throat seemed to close and she choked. Darkness blurred her vision and she fell still, as Chakotay gently laid her down, calling for an emergency transport.

The first thing Janeway heard was the familiar voice of the Doctor.

"…regaining consciousness any moment now."

What the hell am I doing in Sickbay? Janeway weakly opened her eyes to the view of Sickbay's ceiling, from which she was now able to identify her position in Sickbay, due to the number of times over the years she'd been in there. Third bio-bed from the left…

"Ah, she's awake now. How do you feel, Captain?" The Doctor asked solicitously, hovering around at the edge of her vision. She grimaced, closing her eyes.

"Fine," she muttered. "What am I doing here?"

"Don't you recall what happened?" he asked. "Starting to hyperventilate, unable to breathe, struggling for air…" the Doctor trailed off at her shudder as the words evoked a rush of memory.

"Thank you, Doctor," she said dryly. "Yes, I recall what happened." Janeway frowned. There had been that nightmare, screaming, terror and- "Chakotay?"

"I'm here," her First Officer moved into range, his handsome face tight with concern and dark eyes filled with worry.

"Oh." What was she supposed to say? "That was you in my quarters?" Perhaps it had been a dream…her line of wishful thinking evaporated at his nod. This was bad; he had witnessed- she couldn't even bear to think about it; inwardly squirming with embarrassment.

Chakotay seemed to notice her dilemma and for a moment, his face darkened before it resumed a pleasant expression. "Well, now you're feeling better, I had better return to the bridge. I'll see you later, Captain."

She forced her face to become blank as well. "Very well, Commander," Janeway said, watching his retreating back with an inward wince at how sterile their interactions had become lately. But there was nothing she could do about that.

"Well, seeing as how I'm not in immediate danger of dying…"

All she could do was continue being the Captain, looking out for her crew as best she could and finding a way home.

Too bad I have to sacrifice the present for a future that will never happen…