Chapter 5

Author's Note: From now on, all my update schedules and other info will be posted on my bio page.

Elrond's Journal

I feel so alone. I don't even know why. It is nearly midwinter festival, but I cannot bring myself to smile. Celebrìan gives me the strangest looks. Everyone knows something is wrong. Why can I still not be happy even after I have sent Glorfindel away??

I'm so lonely. The love I once felt for Celebrìan is dwindling daily. Elladan and Elrohir retain my attention only inasmuch as the chaos they cause around the house. Erestor is not even here to talk some sense into me. Why did I send Glorfindel away in the first place?

My reasons become less and less as time passes. I told myself then that I would be able to love my family more with him gone. But that is a blatant untruth now. Now, more than ever, he invades my mind.

What have I done to invoke such a curse upon myself? How did I offend the Valar? And what, if anything, can I do to get rid of this?

I don't know how to describe how I feel. Whatever I write down here will be a lie. I would say that it is longing, but that implies love or a relationship. Glorfindel and I are but friends, and that is all I wish us to be. The thought of that friendship becoming more…I cannot and do not wish to imagine it. I just don't feel that way. My love resides with she-elves, not males.

Valar, help me sort out the confusion in my mind! Give me some clarity through which to see my situation and fix it!

Midwinter festival planning is in full-swing. It will just seem strange this year, because there has never been a year in which both Glorfindel and Erestor will not be here.

For the first time in a long while I find myself doubting my every action. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore. But it feels like that if Glorfindel were here, then everything would magically become clear. Now, even I am not so deluded as to think that that might be truth, but there might be a grain of it in there somewhere.

I could recall Glorfindel, especially as he was not sent there for any specific task. But that may only make things worse. I have no way of knowing. It seems as though all my intelligence, all my wits, have deserted me.

Valar, hear my cry, hear my plea, and help me, somehow, someway!

Glorfindel's Journal

I cannot find rest in this place. Legolas has been pursuing me relentlessly. It has been hard to turn him down. So far, I have managed to. Thranduil is finding excuse after excuse to spend time with me. I know that he wants to find out why I'm here. The only thing is, I would like to know why I'm here. As I don't know, there's no way he's ever going to know.

I can't help but think that maybe he's interested in me. Kind of a worrying thought, but like I said in my last entry, he might be even more beautiful than Elrond. And he would certainly get my mind off of Elrond. Still, I don't know if it's a good idea.

Got a letter from Imladris today. Was completely formal. From Elrond, of course. He said that he wanted me to stay here until further notice. And that's odd because there's no real reason for him to send that letter. He already told me that.

It's as if he wants me to reply. But why would he want me to do that? I don't know if I will or not. I could confess how I feel about him. I'm already practically banished from Imladris. What could writing a letter do to hurt me, really? I don't know.

There is some good news, though. When I commented offhandedly that I had no immediate plans and might not return to Imladris, Thranduil said that he was always looking for good Captains. So I may have a position here if I do actually get myself banished. Which seems likely at this point. As I don't know what I did wrong, I can hardly apologize to Elrond for doing it. And as stubborn-minded as he is, he's not likely to just give in and let me back.

I think that I am falling out of love with him, though. Maybe it's because I don't see him every day. I don't think about him as much. Perhaps it's because I'm so focused on avoiding Legolas and his father. I don't know. Difficult to tell.

I think I will tell Elrond how I feel. It is only right. That way, if he banishes me or whatever, then I know I can talk to Thranduil and get a position here.

I will miss Erestor, though. Perhaps he can come visit.

Yes, I am no longer in love with Elrond. I should write a letter to Erestor, too, to tell him how this helped me. I think he will be happy for me. I think that I still love Erestor, on a deeper level than just sexual love. We would have been good for each other.

But the past is the past, and I must move on and look to the future.

Erestor's Journal

My life is pure bliss. I don't think that I have ever been happier. Haldir and I have been together almost the entire time that we have had free from negotiations. Celeborn seems to be complicit in this and does not, as he has in the past, force us to work through the night. I see that scheming smile on his face once too often each day for me to think that Celeborn does not know about this and approve.

I am glad that I have found someone to be happy with. There is only one problem. I don't think that I will ever be able to convince Haldir to move back to Imladris with me. And I can't abandon Elrond. I couldn't do that even if I wanted to. He's too good of a friend to me.

I don't have to worry about that yet, though. This is still a young relationship. I will only remain here another few days, though, so something needs to be settled upon. I don't want to lose Haldir.

I don't know if he feels the same way about me. Sometimes I think he does, but othertimes, it seems like he's just in it for the sex (which I have to say is good). But I won't complain about things that I cannot change. I will just be happy with what I have.

I received a strange letter from Elrond today. It appears that he has sent Glorfindel away. It is clear to me that Elrond is going through some kind of internal crisis. The last thing he needs is to face it alone. Of course his wife is there for him, but I'm not sure that that's going to be enough. Elrond mentioned that he cannot get Glorfindel out of his mind and asked me for advice. I want to tell him how Glorfindel feels about him.

But I won't. Because then I would have to explain how I knew, and both of our secrets would come out. I like my life in Imladris, and Elrond would not allow me to remain Chief Advisor if he knew. Shame, really. To me it seems that Elrond is falling for Glorfindel, whether he knows it or not. He has clearly listed all the signs of infatuation. The same ones, in fact, that Glorfindel has listed to me half a million times before.

Still, I cannot tell him that. I will tell him to bring Glorfindel back so that they can sort through the problem together. Perhaps that will bring them together so that they can admit their feelings. If Elrond will ever admit it. Which is doubtful.

I hope that Glorfindel is not too lonely in Mirkwood. Though, from what I hear about Prince Legolas, it would be difficult for Glorfindel to be lonely. As long as he doesn't fall too hard for the young Prince. Glorfindel needs Elrond. And Elrond, as much as he continues to refuse to admit it, needs Glorfindel.

Elrond's Mind

I stumble my way into my office. A part of me, the part that people used to admire about me, seems to have vanished. I don't want to even think about it anymore. Closing the door behind me, I collapse down at my desk. There is so much work to do and there is no way that I could get it done even if I were focused. And I am certainly not.

A messenger knocks on the door. I call out, "Come in." The elf walks in, bows, sets two rolled parchments on my desk and then walks out without another word. After he is gone, I pick the two up and look at them. One is marked with Erestor's seal, the other Glorfindel's.

It is Erestor's that I open first. He has always been the voice of reason when I lose mine. Perhaps he will give me some advice that will allow me to throw Glorfindel's in the fire. I don't know quite why I fear to read Glorfindel's, but some dark premonition in my mind tells me that that is something I will regret.

I sigh as I read Erestor's message. The first half is taken up by mundane business. It appears that the agreements are going well. Normally, I would be delighted by this, but my mind is otherwise focused. It is only within the last couple of sentences that he offers his advice. Bring Glorfindel back it says. If you find yourself so troubled by him, the only way to get over that is to talk to him face-to-face. I can guarantee that that will sort out your problems. I know that he would not want you to be this distressed over him. Bring him home.

I slam my hand down on the desk. That is not what I want to see. I wanted something better from Erestor. It doesn't matter that he's nearly always right. I just don't think I can face Glorfindel right now. I'm not even sure what I would do.

I pick up Glorfindel's message. Almost, I open it. Then I strike a match and touch it to the parchment. I hold it as it burns down to ash. It burns my fingers slightly, but I can tell that that small pain is far less than what I would have had if I had opened it and read it.

I cannot focus. For a while, I pace my study. Part of me curses myself for burning the letter. Another part congratulates me for having such control over myself. I can see that the work is piling up on my desk. I know that the sensible thing to do would be to recall Glorfindel. But the irrational part of my mind will not allow that.

Once Erestor gets back, everything will be okay. I'm sure of that.

With a sigh, I settle back down at my desk. A part of me hungers to know what Glorfindel wrote to me, and I know that that lack of knowledge will haunt me.

Calming myself, I pull the first report out of the stack and begin to review it. I have to focus. I am the Lord of Imladris.

Glorfindel's Mind

"Why are you here?" you ask.

I look at the ground and frown. "Elrond asked me to come."

"I feel that that's probably fairly obvious," you say, leaning closer. "Try again."

I back away slightly, forcing myself not to look you in the eye. If I do, then I may just grab you and kiss you. And I feel that that would be bad for diplomatic relations between Mirkwood and Imladris. Elrond will already be angry enough with me for my confession. "I don't know."

"Look, Glorfindel. I'm not going to deal with this insolence any longer. If you refuse to tell me right now, then I will order you locked up for conspiracy to commit treason."

Now I look up. "Treason?"

You nod. "Treason. So, you get one last try."

I don't know what to say. Erestor's good at lying; he would have been able to come up with something. I got nothing. So I go with the only excuse that my mind has been able to create. "Elrond sent me away from Imladris."

Now you look interested. "Why would he do something like that?"

"He never told me the reason. He told me to leave and not return. So I came here."

A curious smile dances across your face. I force myself to look down again. I feel your hand under my chin, forcing me to look up again. Swallowing hard, I look into your eyes and try not to melt.

"Do you swear that that is the truth?"

"Yes, sire. You may write to Elrond and ask him."

"I intend to do that."

I force myself to pull away and stand up. A frown appears on Thranduil's face. "If that is all, sire, then I must go…"

"Pressing matters elsewhere?"

I have to shake my head. "No."

"Then stay awhile."

"No, sire. I don't think I will."

"You are refusing a direct order from me." You rise to your feet. You smile again. "Unless you are going to go see my son. He is quite taken with you."

I nod slightly. "If that's what it takes." I make a fast retreat, not sure how much more I can stand. I never thought that anything would be worse than dealing with Elrond and not being able to have him, but this is a hundred, a million times worse.

Erestor's Mind

I see him every day, but I know that that will not last. I picture him as I saw him last night, and this morning, when he woke up in my arms. It is pure bliss. I have never been so happy.

I walk over to him and he greets me with a kiss. It surprises me, as I am not used to showing affection in public. In Imladris, that was dangerous. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Celeborn grin.

I pull Haldir aside. "We need to talk," I say.

He smiles. "About what?"

"I leave tonight."

"I know that."

I bite my lip. Now comes the moment of truth. Was this a relationship or a fling? "Are you coming with me?" Though it would be really, really hard to explain it away to Elrond, I am more than willing to try my best.

"Coming with you?"

"Yes. Are you?"

"No."

Author's Note: Aww, don't you feel bad for Erestor? Should he stay unhappy and alone, or will Haldir and he find a way???!!!