Chapter 6

Author's note: Sorry this one's kind of dragging along. I haven't had any good ideas recently. But i came up w/ some while writing this chapter, so all hope is not lost.

Haldir's Journal

I'm really confused. I thought that Erestor was just in it for the sex. When he asked me yesterday to come back with him to Imladris, I was so thrown that I just automatically answered no. Looking back, though, I'm not sure that that was the best way to go about this.

I really do want a loving relationship. It's just that he's in Imladris and I'm in Lorien. He'll never move here. And I don't think I'll ever be willing to leave everything here and go to Imladris with him. Never mind how Erestor would explain me away to Elrond without giving anything away.

Celeborn can tell I'm upset. He consoles me the best he can (author's note: read into that however you'd like) but it doesn't take away that longing. Part of me wanted to ride after him. Somehow, I don't think that he'd be impressed by sentimental gestures like that.

So now I'm stuck here, just hoping that I can find an excuse to bring Erestor back here for some diplomatic reason. If he'll even come. I know I wouldn't if he did what I did to him.

Erestor, I didn't mean to say no to you like that. It just came out like that. I wish I could tell you that. But I can't.

Fuck it. I'm coming to Imladris. I don't care what Celeborn, Elrond, or Erestor have to say about it. I was an idiot, and the least I can is apologize.

(Later)…

Celeborn gave me one of those annoyingly ever-knowing smiles when I told him what I was doing. It made me wonder…has Celeborn ever slept with Erestor? It's just not the kind of thing that comes up in daily conversation. And now I just would rather not know.

Anyway, I leave tonight. I haven't decided what I'm going to use as my excuse (because Celeborn won't give me any plausible excuse). I don't want to expose Erestor. He'd hate me if I did that. So I'll have to be cunning. Ha, ha. That's funny. I'm never cunning.

I will get you Erestor. I will apologize. We will work something out. I'm not willing to give up on this.

I just don't know exactly how to make it all right.

Glorfindel's Journal

I expect that Elrond has read my letter by now. I'm not sure whether to expect an answer or not. It's hard to tell. He could be so upset/angry/sickened that he doesn't want to speak to me ever again. On the other hand, he might (secretly) reciprocate my feelings. But even I can't manage to delude myself that much. He could write to me telling to make Mirkwood my permanent home because he's banishing me. If he does that, I think I'll tell him that Erestor was my lover, and see if I can get Erestor here with me. Maybe he can help me fend of the Twins.

Not twins in the literal sense. That's just the term I've started to use to describe Legolas and his father. They are so persistent that it's driving me crazy. I've taken to hiding in my rooms. That won't last forever, though. Especially if Elrond does banish me and I'm stuck here.

It's not that I don't want to have a relationship with Thranduil. As I wrote earlier, that's definitely what I want. It's just that he's so…persistent isn't the right word for it, but I can't think of the right word now.

And I don't want to think about the look on Legolas's face if he were ever to find out. We've fucked a couple more times, but I still don't consider it to be anything serious. I know he does, and that worries me a little. Thranduil is very obviously protective of his son and I know he'd be angry with me if he ever got the idea that I'd somehow hurt Legolas.

My life is so complicated. Somehow, it manages to be more complicated even than my life in Imladris.

I do want to go home. I decided that. Mirkwood is great, but it isn't Imladris. And Thranduil is wonderful, but he isn't Elrond.

I can't lie to myself anymore. I've been denying my attraction to Elrond for a long time. But now that I've written that letter confessing myself to him, I might as well go home and confront him.

Maybe Erestor will be back, too. I could use some advice from him. Especially if I'm going to end up back here. He's probably got reams of advice on how to avoid beautiful blond elves.

I must be crazy. Who in their right minds would try and hide from those two?

I know the answer.

Someone who's in love with Elrond. Like me.

Elrond's Journal

A million times every day I curse myself for burning that letter. A million times a day I tell myself it was the right thing to do.

Damn Glorfindel. He has done nothing but make my life miserable. I hope he's happy in Lorien. Maybe he will like it so much that he'll stay there.

No. I don't truly wish that. I would miss him. I miss him right now.

Should I call him back? Would that make my life more difficult or not? And could I convince myself to send him away again?

Celebrán is angry with me. I neglect her completely now. I don't blame her for her anger; I would be exactly the same in her place. The twins have started to avoid me because I now shout at them when they do something wrong. I never used to do that.

I am falling apart.

People call me wise, but I truly am not. I have just been lucky enough to be clear of mind, clear of conscience, and not afraid to do what I think is right. There's a difference. Only now I can no longer be that elf. I am no longer clear of mind, clear of conscience, and I have no idea what is right. It makes life very difficult. Do all the rest of elfkind go through this daily? How do they manage to survive?

Received a message that Erestor will be returning. That's good news. Perhaps he can talk some sense into me.

He might just make things worse. He's that kind of elf.

The Midwinter festival passed without a hitch. Everyone said it was spectacular, beautiful. I noticed none of it.

I can make no potion that will clear my mind. There is nothing that will help me think straight because I don't know what it is that's afflicting me.

Any other with these symptoms I would call lovesick.

But who am I in love with?

Only my wife. There is no other.

Thranduil's Journal

Glorfindel has told me he will leave. Such a disappointment. I thought I was really getting closer to him. Maybe it's all in my mind, but he definitely showed little interest in Legolas. Certainly, I know the two slept together several times. I know Glorfindel well enough already though to know that my son is not his type. I think he is my type.

I am probably just fooling myself. Glorfindel seems to be distant from everyone. Does he have a love of his own? Someone, say, in Imladris? Could he still love Erestor? Unlikely. The two never made a very good couple.

Could it be Elrond?

Only a fool would love Elrond. He is wise and beautiful, there is no denying it. Even I have felt the pull of attraction to him more than once. But it is madness to fall for an elf that will never reciprocate those feelings. Progressive ruler he undeniably is, but for all of that, he is by far the most narrow-minded ruler I have ever met.

If it is him that Glorfindel has fallen for, I pity them both. I pity Glorfindel for it will mean he will always be unhappy. Elrond I pity for being so blind that he does not see the love from such a beautiful elf as Glorfindel as something acceptable. Forget the fact that he is married. He would never want Glorfindel anyway.

More fool he.

I will not prevent Glorfindel leaving, though. I cannot force anything that is not there. I cannot make him care for me. I will not try. Such would only result in heartbreak for me and hatred towards me on his part.

I just don't want him to hurt Legolas. Legolas is naïve, surprisingly enough, and I don't want him to fall for Glorfindel, especially as I grow more and more certain that Glorfindel's heart belongs to another.

(Later)…

So he has left. Mirkwood seems a little emptier without him. Perhaps I can find some fool excuse to bring him back. It seems that I have become a fool myself, foolish with love. I am old enough that I should know better, yet somehow I do not.

I will find someway to bring him back.

I will win him.

Somehow.

Erestor's Journal

I will not lie and say that it is anger that I feel. Because that would be wrong. I am not truly angry. Upset is the wrong word, too. So is depressed.

I think frustrated is probably the best word I can think of to describe how I feel right now.

I think part of me knew that Haldir would refuse to come to Imladris with me. He is as dedicated to what he does as I am. It would be life-changing for him to come to Imladris.

So that's one part of my frustration.

Another part goes on a deeper level. I am frustrated with my life in general. Not only do I not have Haldir, but when I get back I must deal with Elrond. Somehow, I must convince him to let Glorfindel into his heart.

The frustration I feel is that everyone in Imladris is refusing to open their hearts and allow the inner truths come to life. Glorfindel and I have both been hiding what we truly are. Elrond is running from the truth, always running. Damn him.

There is yet a third layer. It is an inner frustration which I have only just discovered. My life seems somehow empty, devoid of meaning. I tell myself that this is untrue. I am well-respected and there is nothing really that I should be ashamed about. After I die…if I die, then my name should live on.

So why do I feel like everything I do is for nothing?

Strange, really.

I shall have to think about this.

Legolas's Journal

He left me.

I can't believe he left me.

It seems like there is no reason to live anymore.

I thought he loved me.

He told me he loved me.

And now he's gone.

He didn't even bother to say good-bye.

Where's the point in living now that he's gone?

There is no point in living now that he's gone.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I want to go to Imladris and beg him to take me back.

In fact, I think that's what I'll do. I don't care what my father says. I know that I love him and I know that I want him. I will do anything to get him back. Surely he feels something for me. Why would he have spent so much time for me if it was just a brief fling?

He wouldn't have. I know he loves me. Maybe he's just afraid to tell me. Yes, that must be it. He's probably afraid of my father. All I need to do is to go to Imladris and tell him that there's no way my father will disapprove. And that I don't care even if my father says no. I will still love you anyway.

I know I love you. I know that I will always love you. O, my fair Glorfindel, how much I want you. I will leave immediately. Maybe I will even catch you before you reach Imladris. How surprised you will be!

Valar, help me to find Glorfindel. And help him to admit what he truly feels for me!

Author's Note: Does anyone at all feel bad for Legolas? I hope not. Will Erestor convince Elrond to face his feelings for Glorfindel? Or will some tragic event be the only way? (wink-wink).