Chapter 9

Erestor's Journal

So we arrived in Lorien today. Haldir and I immediately sought out Celeborn, who fortunately said that I could stay. I don't know what I would have done if he had said I had to leave. As I expected, I moved to Haldir's spacious rooms. Not that I brought much with me. I want to remember as little of Imladris as possible.

I didn't think that even Elrond would say something like that to me. That will take a long time for me to forgive. His narrow-mindedness is one thing, but to call me perverted is another thing entirely. For Glorfindel's sake, I hope he does not confess his feelings to Elrond. I don't know how he would be able to take Elrond's reaction.

Anyway, I must start forgetting Imladris. Lorien will be my home now. Celeborn has graciously allowed me a position of advisor to him. That is far more than I would have expected. It is certainly not something that Elrond would do. I can tell that Haldir still thinks it is his fault that this happened. In a way, I suppose it. But that confrontation had been brewing for centuries. Anything could have set it off. In fact, I had expected it to be my affair with Glorfindel that finally alerted Elrond.

I must find some way to convince Haldir that I do love him, dearly, and that I do not blame him for what happened. It will be good to start off fresh in a place where I do not have to hide what I truly am. Imladris was a place of secrets. Lorien does not have to be so.

I think that I will grow to like this place.

Haldir's Mind

I sneak in well after dark. I was with some old friends, drinking. I didn't want you to come along because I could tell that you were in no mood to be around people. So I lied to you and told you I was meeting with Celeborn. You are sleeping soundly. You look so beautiful when you're sleeping, more so even than when you're awake. I tiptoe over, hoping that I won't wake you.

I fail miserably. Just as I reach the bed, your eyes open and look straight at me. "How did the meeting go?" you ask.

I really hate to lie to you. "It went fine. But I'm tired now."

You open your arms. "Then come to bed."

"I had every intention of doing so." It takes me hardly any time to undress, which is unusual. In romantic situations like this one, I always manage to look like a fool by tripping over some piece of clothing or another. But tonight I am perfect. Or at least I want to tell myself that.

At first, I think that you are in the mood to make love. It soon becomes clear that you are not. You turn away from me and will not let me touch you at all. I retreat to the other side of the bed. I cannot sleep. Later on, I hear you cry. I wish that I could go to you and comfort you, but it is clear that I can be of no help to you.

Damn, all I was trying to accomplish by chasing you to Imladris was that I love you. Instead, I have done exactly what you have been fearing all this time. How could you still love me?

I don't sleep for a very long time.

Imladris

Elrond didn't know what to say for a very long time. He stared, slack-jawed, at Glorfindel for a few moments. It seemed like his brain had physically shut down. But before he could manage to utter a single word, Glorfindel had smiled smugly and said, "That's what I thought." Then he left the room.

Elrond barely made it back to his chair before he collapsed. This was more than he could handle. It was one thing to have Erestor involved with Haldir, it was another entirely for Glorfindel to be attracted to him. Never before had he considered male elves as an object of infatuation. When he was younger, many he knew experimented thusly, but he was not one of them. Realistically, he was aware that he was attractive to both sexes and had been propositioned by both sexes in the past.

But Glorfindel was another matter entirely. When he had regained a minute amount of control over his body and mind, he set out to find Glorfindel. This matter had to be dealt with, quickly, before it got out of hand.

At least Celebr�an's not here.

That traitorous thought entered his brain before he could stop it. He didn't even really know what his mind was trying to tell him. So he treated it as he had treated the thought that he found Glorfindel beautiful and dismissed it. It would serve no purpose except to make matters worse.

"Why did they both have to be?" he demanded to the empty room. He couldn't have Glorfindel resign or get rid of Glorfindel. He needed Glorfindel around in an advisory capacity. But things would get so strange between them now. While Elrond knew that Glorfindel had probably felt this way about him for a long time, it was different now that Elrond knew about it.

That was when Glorfindel walked back in, a smile barely visible on his face. "I apologize for walking out like that," he said. "I…wanted to give you time to collect your thoughts, as you seemed a little…stunned."

"I think stunned is an understatement, Glorfindel." He gestured for Glorfindel to sit down, which he did. The most inane question came out first. "How long?"

There were many possible interpretations of that question, but Glorfindel figured that he knew what Elrond was asking. He decided, however, to give a deliberately bad answer. Elrond had played him earlier, now he would play Elrond in return. "Ever since my relationship with Erestor ended."

"You and Erestor…" Elrond, once again, had no words. His own two most trusted advisors were sleeping together and he had never figured it out? They must have been very discreet. Elrond shook his head. He really would prefer not to know the particulars (though he had the sick feeling that Glorfindel would willingly give them if Elrond asked). "How long ago was that?"

Glorfindel frowned, trying to remember. "It was…probably almost a century now. Yes, that sounds about right."

"So you've been attracted to me…for a century…and you never told me before?" Not that I would particularly want to know.

"I saw no point. You had never expressed any interest in a male. There was talk of an impending marriage. And then you did get married. I knew that, regardless of your personal…preferences, I didn't stand a chance. So I kept my mouth shut."

"So why ever bring it up?"

"Surely you saw how it was eating at me recently. Erestor told me to forget you and that it was foolish of me to love you. It was the night before he left for Lorien. He has always been such a good friend to me."

Now that late-night hallway conversation finally made sense. The pieces were starting to click together in his mind, now that it had decided to start working again. "And then I sent you to Mirkwood…you said something about Legolas helping you…oh, gods, is that why he's here?"

Glorfindel grinned. "I fear that he fell in love with me. For some reason, I do not reciprocate those feelings. He is beautiful, and charming, and has every quality that I look for in my lovers. But for some reason, I keep pushing him away."

"Me," said Elrond, almost too quietly for Glorfindel to hear.

"Yes," answered Glorfindel, even though Elrond's statement hadn't really been a question. "I know that you don't want to hear this from me, but I'll tell you anyway because I'll probably never get another chance and I've always wanted to be able to say it. You are the most beautiful elf I have ever met…the most perfect elf I know." Glorfindel smiled and looked at his feet.

Elrond wasn't really sure what an appropriate response to that would be. So he decided to avoid the whole conversation. "What can I say to convince Erestor to come back? I need him here." Even if I must deal with having Haldir here as well.

"Well, what did you say to him in the first place?" Elrond told him and Glorfindel was shocked. Even from someone like Elrond, Glorfindel wouldn't have expected anything quite like that. "Elrond, I'm not sure that there's really any way you can apologize for that. You're just going to have to wait until he chooses to come back. Probably when he breaks up with Haldir. But really, Elrond, I have to be angry with you for saying that." He shook his head. "I can probably handle some of Erestor's work until we can figure out how to bring him back…unless you want to get rid of me, too."

"I couldn't even if I wanted to. I need at least one elf here that I trust above all others. Now that Erestor is gone, you are the only one who remains."

"Do you want me to go? I mean, if you could."

"No." It was on the tip of Elrond's tongue to tell Glorfindel that he had been unable to get Glorfindel out of his mind while he was in Mirkwood. He was unsure, though, as to how Glorfindel would interpret that. "You are my friend. I would have preferred to keep Erestor here as well…"

"Apart from those unforgivable things you said to him."

"Yes. Apart from that."

"Well, now that we have all of that settled, I'm sure I now have more work to do than time to do it in. So I will see you later, Elrond. Do not expect me at the evening meal. I suspect I will not have time to eat." He had made up his mind to forget about his love for Elrond. What would be best, he decided, would be to take another lover, and flaunt him. It wouldn't ease the tensions between them at all, but Glorfindel knew that it would certainly make him feel a hell of a lot better.

Elrond's Journal

Now that it is all out in the open, I find myself glad that it has happened. And I'm not sure why. I know for certain that I do not return his feelings. What I feel for him is friendship. It ends there. I have never desired anything more.

But when he told me that he found me perfect, something sparked inside me. It worries me more than even the thoughts that I had that Glorfindel was beautiful. Who am I kidding, he is beautiful.

I could tell that he was disappointed by my lack of reaction, either positive or negative. What he didn't know was that I was restraining all my emotions. It took a lot of effort for that. The strange thing, though, is that even I am not certain what I would have said if I had been weaker than I am, if I had allowed what I was truly thinking to come out.

He avoided me all day today. I did not expect him at the evening meal, as he told me he would not be there. However, twice during the day and three times in the evening, I went to his office in an attempt to find him. However, every time, he had, as I was informed, just gone off on some errand. It is maddening how skilful he is at this!

In other matters, though, I am having more success. I am planning a visit to Lorien. Hopefully I will have a chance to speak with Erestor. I am willing to go to almost any lengths to get him to come back. I am sure that Glorfindel will assist me in this. Ever since finding out about their relationship, I think of more and more incidents that would have, had I been paying sufficient attention, told me everything I needed to know without these confrontational scenes.

Even more so than before, Glorfindel is in my head. Really, my thoughts are starting to scare me. I have tried every remedy to get rid of them, but they persist. Some deep part of me, some part that has long remained hidden that is now tearing to be free, wants to explore this attraction.

I can't do that.

I'm married. Happily married. I couldn't do it even if I wanted to.

But some part of me that I'm not sure how much longer I can control wants to.

Lorien

Celeborn could see the loss in Erestor's eyes. However insistent that Erestor was that he did not long for Imladris, his eyes gave it away. Truly, Celeborn felt for Erestor. Through Haldir, he had heard what he was sure nearly approximated the conversation between Elrond and Erestor. What Elrond had said was truly cruel, much more so than Celeborn would have thought possible from Elrond. For a while, even Celeborn had been attracted to Elrond, had been pulled in by that mesmerizing beauty. Now those illusions had been shattered.

"What do you want me to do for you, my lord?"

Even the animated quality of Erestor's voice was gone. This Erestor was a new person, but certainly not a better one. "You can call me Celeborn. I know that Elrond would have trusted you with his life. He certainly never went against one of your decisions. I would like to give you similar power here…but, you are from Imladris. There are those that would refuse to trust you and would lose loyalty to me."

"I understand." Erestor remained standing, even though Celeborn had offered him a seat.

Celeborn wished that Erestor would relax a little. He was not so blind as to miss Erestor's dark beauty. Though he would never dream of deliberately taking someone else's lover, especially not Haldir's, Celeborn would be a fool to tell himself that he did not desire Erestor at least a little. "I understand your loss, Erestor…"

"No," said Erestor bitterly, "you will never understand."

Celeborn could see how close to breaking down Erestor was, and rose to his feet. He laid a gentle hand on Erestor's shoulder. "We will all do whatever we can to make this easier for you."

Erestor hated to cry. More than that, though, he hated to cry when other people were around. Yet now he began to cry. Everything had just built up inside him for so long and those emotions were pressing to get out. Without protest, he allowed Celeborn to hold him. It felt good to give over his control to someone else, if only for a short while. Haldir was different, Haldir was his lover. Haldir could never give him the same kind of reassurance that Celeborn could.

"We will find some way to make it better. I swear that to you," murmured Celeborn, tightening his grip slightly around Erestor's shaking body.

Erestor did not care for words right now. Eventually, though, he gained enough control over himself and pulled away. Wiping the tears from his eyes and clearing his throat, he said, "I will try my best, Celeborn, though I make no promises."

Celeborn's eyes remained on Erestor as Erestor walked out. One thought and one thought only passed into his mind.

I think that I may be falling in love with you.