The Tolkien Writing guide Part IV:

The Eyes of the Ranger Are Upon You

Or: "Gosh oh git up, how'd dey get so lit up?"

In which we explore Tolkien's use of ocularity. Enough review folk mentioned it that we thought it was worth a shot.

I. "When you're in Tolkien, look behind you…"

Tolkien was hunting through his Toolkit O' Words, searching for modifiers to describe the eyes of Blankomer Son of Blankethor, when he suddenly threw up his hands in disgust. "All I've got left are 'grey,' 'piercing,' and 'clear?' What IS this?" (What happened, of course, is that his old acquaintance Madeleine L'Engle stole them.) Further search disclosed only "stern."

Refusing to give in to the despair, the author delved into his mine of similes, only to discover these too had been looted. Consequently, Blankomer ends up striding around with clear, piercing gray eyes, like burning coals. His Elven companion Blainkien Manfriend has ditto, but more stern, like flashing fire. His kinky, humanophile Elvish girlfriend Blandwen Starfondler has eyes which are more like, oh, stars. But gray. And piercing. Or, if Tolkien manages to throttle the word out of Edgar Rice Burroughs, blue.

No wonder everyone in Middle Earth makes such bad decisions. They are handicapped by limited brain development resultant from severe genetic bottlenecks.

Even dwarves are sometimes caught with piercing, flashing, coal-like eyes. Once in a while some flint will make its appearance. ("Argh, Gimli son of Gloin, you got some flint in your eye again.") At least they're not quite so in to giving silly names to weapons.

Find us a hobbit with eyes that pierce or flash anywhere in the books. We dare you. And no counting the freaking Appendices. Tolkien wrote far too many tangential bits of information as it was.

II. "They're talking, Merry. The Eyes are talking!" (Yes, that was a movie reference.)

It's not just the Eye of Sauron. Lots of eyes can talk. You can look into a person's eyes and instantly tell they are sad, noble, angry, evil, or of course grim.

If you believe these writers, this mysterious communication does not depend in any way on the rest of the person's face. This is why it so easy to communicate with those with severe physical handicaps which prevent movement of facial muscles. Nurses just look into their eyes and say, "The IV site is sore. Oh, and he seems to be feeling anguish over the Doom of Middle Earth again."

Which makes it rather puzzling why Sauron chose the manifestation he did. Personally, if I thought one look at me would instantly reveal all my inner designs, I would have chosen something else. Of course, "A great ear, wreathed in flame" loses something in intimidation value, but this would be a small price to pay for world domination.

Ditto those Easterlings or Southrons with clothing that hides everything EXCEPT their eyes. Isn't this something like walking around holding a sword, but otherwise completely naked?

III. "Honey, you can't hide your lyin' Eye…" (or "I lost my body AND my career")

Maybe it's the lack of depth perception. For a great eye, lidless, wreathed in flame (or, at certain seasons of the year, wreathed in holly), Sauron misses an awful lot. It must be horrible to be a bodiless fallen Maia, more powerful and intelligent than any born creature on Middle Earth, yet writhing within the narrow confines of The Plot.

I mean, we know the Eye is not attached to a complete lack of spectral gray matter. This IS the being who basically talked the Dunedain's ancestors into their own Atlantis-style downfall. Yes, if he had his druthers he'd be recruiting Middle Earth's Best and Brightest, but the Dark Lord is limited to stupid orcs, crazy Nazghul and one deranged wizard to carry out his evil commands.

And of course there is still something of a translation problem with the Easterlings, who turned out to have developed a highly tonal language which is nearly impossible to learn for a character in the Eurocentric Tolkien universe. And certainly impossible to teach to Orcs. This creates a certain number of administrative bottlenecks. I can just hear that deep voice howling from the Black Tower: "CURSE YOU TOLKIEEEEEEN!"

Of course, he's howling in "the language of Mordor, which I will not utter here."