Disclaimer: All HP book characters are JK Rowling's.
To Open His Heart
By Writer007
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel. –Anonymous
"You will not," he said carefully, eyeing her closely. "lose control of your emotions and speak any further. I am putting an end to this."
She stared back at him with her deep, brown eyes piercing into his soul. He closed his mind slowly…controlling his thoughts…his emotions…
He continued to look at her with a mundane expression on his face, carefully concealing all empathy and using his logic to create reasons of why he was doing this. For years, he had studied to ability to close his mind and used this skill to close his heart. He refused to be weak, refused to succumb to memories or tender expressions. They were obstacles getting in the way of his life. And in his efforts, he found solace in knowledge.
She continued to look at him, her eyes slowly becoming wet and she no longer wore a fierce expression. She now resigned in defeat, no longer wanting to argue with him.
He turned away, refusing to meet her eyes. Her eyes drew a dagger inside of him, stabbing every inch of his flesh, immortalizing the hidden tinge of fondness. He hated to see her like this. He felt no pleasure in the moist, outward display of emotion. She blinked back her tears and while her eyes remained shiny, she refused to let them fall down her cheeks.
"Miss. Granger," he said in an irritated voice. "you have long over-stayed your welcome. Please leave."
Again, she read into his soul with her eyes. Words did not speak what they both felt. A force was trying to draw them together, but Snape fought it with every objection.
"You have a heart too, Severus." she said quietly, staying still and unnerving.
Snape whipped around to face her. How dare she! She spoke to him without any respect of his status over her. He was her professor and she was his….his former student…Snape was reminded that he no longer had the power to assign her detentions for her behavior.
Her breathing became heavier and for the first time, when she spoke, her voice trembled slightly. "You have feelings for me, Severus. You can't control it no matter how hard you try. Your mind cannot over come your emotions. And you know I…I care about you too." Her lips were rosy; how sweet his name sounded when divulged from those lips! She spoke his name tenderly and those three syllables pronounced more than three words could say.
"That is ridiculous," Snape answered dryly, suppressing his urge to meet those lips with his own. "I have no time for this silly drama, so please leave Miss. Granger----"
"Why did you kiss me?" Hermione demanded, bringing the spark that began their entwined relationship into the open.
Snape stopped. He swore his heart had skipped a beat as he recalled the confusion he felt along with the incredible passion that fateful night. Everything happened before he could stop himself. He gave way to release his secret desire and those feelings emerged, shadowing all suppression in their history. When she responded similarly, he had been caught off guard. When she asked for commitment, he felt as if he lived in a nightmare entangled around a dream. He gave Hermione the look of absolute loath and answered in a low, warning voice, "You will never mention this again."
She instantly felt cold. She took a long breath and then turned to leave. Snape watched her go. When she got to the door, she could not control it any longer. Her tears cascaded down her face and she wiped her eyes furiously with her sleeves.
"You are a monster!" she screamed at him and left the room, slamming the door closed.
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Severus Snape could not sleep. Hermione's parting remark ran in his mind and for the strangest reason, he could not muster the power to close his mind. Over and over again, he shut his eyes and tried unsuccessfully to shut out the memory, but he unwillingly recalled her stinging words…he was a monster…
He was. Only a monster could behave in such a manner to someone so innocent. His eyes went back to the potions book in his hands. He could not read beyond the third line. Frustrated, he threw the book aside then yelled out in a rage.
"DAMN YOU!" he cursed. Why was he so weak?
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He was grading papers. Every single year, those dunderheads proved to remain as insolent, lazy and hopeless as the previous year. He did not know why he bothered to attempt to teach them. Perhaps he should take some time off. The war was long over. He read stories of Potter (now known as the-man-who-lived-to-defeat-you-know-who) in the headlines. He had married Ginerva Weasley, Snape read. Snape scanned the wedding section in the Daily Prophet everyday, never admitting to himself the reason.
A knock on the door disrupted his musing.
"Come in." he said sharply, angry at being interrupted.
"Hello, Severus." a familiar voice greeted him.
He paused in the middle of marking a P on the paper. He looked up to face her and was surprised to see a remarkable change. She was no longer the student he remembered years ago. She was older, much older. He did some quick math in his head. Ten years had gone by. She carried herself differently, higher and firmer. Her hair was pulled back. Her figure had changed too. Womanly curves were more predominant, even through her robes.
"What are you doing here?" he asked in surprise.
"Good to see you too, Severus." Hermione answered.
He scowled. "I assume you're at Hogwarts to apply for the Defense Against the Dark Arts job?"
"No."
"Dumbledore sent for you?"
"No."
"Need to research something in the library?" he expected her to smile faintly at this remark, but she didn't. Instead, she remained as serious as ever. He began to feel worried.
"I'm engaged, Severus." she announced, watching him carefully for a reaction.
He felt his breath stop and then carefully controlled his next move. He reminded himself to breathe regularly and his face remained vacant.
"Congratulations." he said nonchalantly.
She stood very still and then said, "I just wanted to tell you."
He didn't reply.
She left, not knowing that it was the last time the both of them would speak to each other.
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Years passed. Severus thought of her often, but made no move to contact her. She had a child, he remembered. He read about it in the Daily Prophet. Last week, he also read about her death.
He knelt down by her grave and delivered twelve, long stemmed red roses. They quickly froze in the cold. How long he kneeled there, he did not know. He realized that for the first time since his childhood, he felt the trickle of tears and watched the drops fall on to the snow. He made no effort to close his emotions this time, because this time it was too late. He allowed his heart to remain open and to embrace his pain. He longed for her to come back. He longed for the day, many years ago, when she stormed out of his office and called him a monster. Instead of doing nothing, he would pull her back and tell her the truth. He wished that when she announced her engagement that he reacted in a less than subtle manner. He wished that he had asked…pleaded for her to break it off. He had no shame in those feelings now.
He realized that he loved her. He had been for all these years.
"Come back…" he murmured to the grave. "I'm sorry…I waited…I'm here now. I'm here for you."
He kissed her name engraved onto the cold stone and then stood to watch the grave, hoping that a miracle would come. He remembered their kiss, so passionate and warm. He remembered her embrace. Did it have to come to this? Was this a dream?
"I give you my affection." Severus said quietly with a sad smile. "You would be happy to know that I admit to having emotions."
The grave remained still.
"You're right," he said desperately. "I'm a monster. I'm a monster for hurting you. I deserve the pain I feel now. I'm not trying to hide it. It's my own punishment."
The snow was falling harder. The wind was making it hard to see.
"I will wait for you to come back to me." Severus said. "I won't rest until I can tell you this."
The white blanket of snow made it difficult to walk. Snape slowly made his way through the graveyard, not bothering to use his wand to alleviate the task. When he reached the entrance, he found that he could not leave. His legs remained rooted on the spot. He looked back through the hail storm that was covering the entire cemetery. A wisp of an outline was faintly approaching him. His vision was blurry and he found his fingers raw from the cold as he gripped his wand to defend himself.
As the illumination came closer, he dropped his wand. He held his breath, waiting for a sign…
She came closer, smiling at him and his heart swelled with emotion.
Severus…
He took her outstretched hand and followed her, no longer feeling cold.