Chapter Title: Fantasy
Author: cherryXbomb
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, Emma Nelson, or Jay Hogart. I don't own the song Fantasy nor the CD How Much for Happy. I only own the series that I'm writing and since I'm using other people's things… I'm not sure I own that.
Author's Note: The song is Fantasy from Cassie Steele's CD How Much for Happy. This whole series is just POV pieces from different Degrassi characters and different ships using the entire How Much for Happy CD. I'd suggest that you check out the CD or at least the song because it's beautiful!
Summary: Or does he see the real me? Does he see the dead hazel eyes that reflect my dead soul and my frozen heart? Does he see the depression that pretty much lurks behind every corner of my being?
You want something I can't giveYou want a life that I can't live
You need anything but me
Baby
You want commitment but I don't
I say I will but boy I won't
I don't have time to spend forever
Jay Hogart used to be everything that I stood against. He used to be the epitome of evil to me. He was a bad ass and a thief. But somehow that changed and I stopped seeing him as a criminal. Instead, I saw him as Sean's best friend. Then in Wasaga, I saw him as a boy who I could possibly have feelings for. But in the ravine, I discovered the depths of Jason Hogart.
At first I didn't think that I could give him a blow job. I didn't even really know too much about them. I knew what they were and I knew that his dick went into my mouth but that's about it. I was still too naïve. But after watching how Amy reacted to my bracelets I knew that I was ready. I wanted that bracelet to be real. I wanted to enter his world.
I knew that I couldn't stay forever. I knew that his world wouldn't accept me. I just wanted to visit and see what I was missing. So I went into the van with him and earned a bracelet. I earned a new bracelet a night for a few nights until Alex finally figured out what was going on. That's when it all stopped.
Baby oh you make me sick
Why can't you accept it?
You've made an image that you think is me
It's so much harder than you know
Letting you go
He made me sick. Literally and figuratively speaking. He gave me gonorrhea, which is a social disease. He got me labeled a whore along with my best friend Manny. But that didn't matter to me. What made me the sickest about him was that I still found myself drawn into.
Then he made that comment about me having virtue. A girl with virtue wouldn't have done what I did. A girl with virtue wouldn't be sick with a STD. A girl with virtue wouldn't have done that with a guy who was taken. He has the image of me Cause Girl who fought for people and the environment and animals. He still thinks I'm Greenpeace. Maybe he has a fantasy about hooking up with a good girl and corrupting her without her ever losing a thread of her virtue and innocence. Now if only I could just get over him and stop going back.
Look behind my eyes
Can you still see me?
Or am I gone, just a fantasy?
I want to ask him who he sees when he looks into my eyes. Is it Greenpeace, who seems to be his fantasy version of me. I haven't been myself in so long that it concerns me. Or does he see the real me? Does he see the dead hazel eyes that reflect my dead soul and my frozen heart? Does he see the depression that pretty much lurks behind every corner of my being? I don't think he does. I think he sees someone completely different. He sees a girl with virtue… something I'm lacking as of late.
I look into your eyes
Grows insanity
Or are you searching for that fantasy?
I look into his eyes and I don't see who I used to hate. I see someone who I've become identical to. I see someone whose grown hard because of the influences around them. I see someone who has to struggle to maintain an identity in a society that usurps individuality and makes people into clones. But I don't think he sees me. I watch has he goes crazier and crazier when he looks at me but I know that it's not me that he's seeing.
You say it's me but it's just her
You don't accept me and it hurts
You avoid the real me
Baby
I'm better off just by myself
I don't need anybody else
Stop playing mind games
He refuses to accept that maybe I'm not the virtuous Cause Girl that he seems to invision me as. He is in lust with the person I used to be. The good girl that he can corrupt. But instead he gets the new me. The one that has become so jaded by life that she goes to the ravine and hooks up for bracelets as an escape. Bracelets aren't worth your health. They aren't really worth anything in monetary value but the momentary feeling of bliss I get when I'm there is worth it. It's the numbing bliss of an escape.
But I know that I'm better off without Jay Hogart. He plays mind games. He calls me Greenpeace and insists that I'm virtuous so he wouldn't tell Alex about me. I think he's partially ashamed. I know that I'm just an endeavor for him. A trophy in his collection of sexual partners. But I don't care because now I'm done with him. He was a trophy for me as well. I was using him and I know it.
Baby oh you make me sick
Why can't you accept it?
You've made an image who you think is me
It's so much harder than you know
Letting you go
And even as I made the decision to stop everything I can't stop myself from thinking about him. I look at my wrists and think of the last time I spoke to him about our little encounters. He turned me down in the ravine. He had just gotten dumped by Alex, which honestly shocked me. But I can't get him out of my mind. I know I'm not falling for him but somehow I can't let him go.
Look behind my face
Can you still see me?
Or am I gone, just a fantasy?
I look into your eyes
Grows insanity
Oh are you searching for that fantasy?
He was my escape. I was his sexual endeavor. We both provided one another with good times that couldn't be found in others around us. And we both knew that the time was over. But somehow, tonight I found myself in the van with him, kissing him. And then I woke up and there was a dull aching in my heart. Maybe he wasn't seeing me as a fantasy. Maybe I was fantasizing about him being the one that could save me.