Chris: Yes, I'm updating this story yet again. Why? So I don't lose the small speck of inspiration and motivation that I have left for this fic. It's really freaking old. And I want to finish it so I put out another story. Okay? So, thanks to all who've stayed with it, and if you haven't, can't blame you.
K-Gforever: Glad you like it!
The Karlminion: Yes…Yes, I was late. I am so ashamed.
Farina: You are not.
Exactly. And I will finish it! At least within this month or something.
RubyVulpix: Ah…Well, when I first wrote this, the Incredibles wasn't out yet….so yeah. Thanks for the compliments.
Lack Thereof: Really glad you like it and stuff! Oh, and just so you know, the story occurs on Halloween Day. So technically, it's already Halloween. Sorry 'bout that.
clepto thief: Well, glad you like it. And you'll find out what fire tastes like.
Disclaimer: Don't own Fire Emblem or the tune to Y-M-C-A.
Chapter 11: The Ghosts' Treasure
"Since we found all of you ghosts, you'd better give me the reward you promised!" Hector pointed to the six ghosts, who smiled at each other. The ghosts nodded and pulled out various instruments.
Roland, complete in his jester outfit, pulled a ghost microphone in the air. He looked back at the others. "Okay guys! We have it all set, right?"
"Yes, Roland!" The ghosts replied, readying their instruments.
Roland snapped his fingers. "Ready? Hit it!" He began to sing.
(Sung to Y-M-C-A)
Hector! You're a big, lazy oaf!
I said, Hector! All you do is loaf!
I said, Hector! You're a big, giant lump!
Because you're! From! Os-ti-a-a!
Hector! You are so-o-o strong!
I said, Hector! You are always wrong!
I said, Hector! You lift things with your thumb!
Every one knows that you are dumb!
It's great to sta-ay in Os-tiii-aaaa!
It's great to sta-ay in Os-tiii-aaaa!
They have soldiers galore! You can kill them and more!
You can drink booze and liquor!
It's great to sta-ay in Os-tiii-aaaa!
It's great to sta-ay in Os-tiii-aaaa!
You can duel till you're dead, make them all bleed red!
And then collapse when you're fed!
Hector! Are you listenin' to us?
I said, Hector! Better get on the bus!
I said, Hector! Listen to us now!
Because you're a big ass and how!
Hector! He's the best by himself!
I said, Hector! Don't stick him with the elf!
And just do it! Just put him up front!
And give him his lunch galore!
It's great to sta-ay in Os-tiii-aaaa!
It's great to sta-ay in Os-tiii-aaaa!
They have soldiers galore! You can kill them and more!
You can drink booze and liquor!
It's great to sta-ay in Os-tiii-aaaa!
It's great to sta-ay in Os-tiii-aaaa!
You can duel till you're dead, make them all bleed red!
And then collapse when you're fed!
Hector! I was once in your shoes!
I said, Hector! You gave me the big blues!
You fought always, and it was all for naught
But in the end, you just got caught!
Last week, you sneezed into the air
Yesterday you, sneezed into his hair
And today you, sneezed right into your cake
Oh, was I glad that I was late
It's great to sta-ay in Os-tiii-aaaa!
It's great to sta-ay in Os-tiii-aaaa!
They have soldiers galore! You can kill them and more!
You can drink booze and liquor!
Os-tiii-aaaa! It's great to sta-ay in Os-tiii-aaaa!
Hector, Hector! We're almost done with this!
Hector, Hector! You'd better appreciate this!
Os-tiii-aaaa! And of course, go to Os-tiii-aaaa!
Hector, Hector! We're gonna disappear!
Hector, Hector! We're gonna drink all your beer!
And then the ghosts suddenly disappeared, taking a couple of crates of beer with them. Everyone else just stood, spellbound by the song that was both hilarious and very insulting to the people of Ostia. And this is exactly how people reacted.
The people from Ostia, read: Hector, Matthew, Uther, Oswin, and Serra, were very insulted and muttered dire threats and huffs of anger. Everyone else collapsed on the floor and laughed. And laughed. And laughed some more. This, of course, was very upsetting to the Ostians, who only grew more and more upset as the laughing continued. However, everyone was finally able to get their laughter under control and except for a couple of loose giggles and chuckles, everything was fine.
And then someone knocked on the castle's front door. Hector, Matthew, and Guy decided to open it. Outside stood an angry Nergal and other various Black Fang Members. You know who they are.
"What the hell are you guys doing here? I thought it plainly said on my invitations, 'No madmen, psycho killers, or overall evil guys allowed!'" Hector said.
"No wonder I wasn't invited!" Nergal snapped his fingers ruefully, accidentally killing one of his soldiers with a Flux spell. "Oops. Anyway, we came to return this crap-ass imposter of Eliwood." He motioned to Linus, who pulled out the Amazing Sack of Wonderment and dumped out the thoroughly bombed Eliwood at Hector's feet. "Enjoy. Now Linus, let's go. Linus?" Nergal looked around and the blond-haired hero was gone. Shrugging, Nergal left with the other members of the Black Fang.
"Well…That's just great. We're stuck with a drunk Eliwood." Hector looked mournfully at the body at his feet. "This totally sucks."
"Hey, that isn't my darling son, is it?" Eleanora appeared behind Hector, her eyes wide with worry. "If it was, I wouldn't know what I would do!"
"Oh…Uh…Of course not! It's just a….imposter that we hired to take the place of Eliwood! Yeah! Just in case he got kidnapped or something!" Hector smiled nervously and picked up Eliwood. "Looks just like your son, huh?"
"Yes, he looks just like my Eliwood!" Eleanora gasped and put a hand to her mouth. Which is when the inevitable happened.
Eliwood opened a bleary eye. "HEY MOM!" And then he passed out. Hector gave a groan and punched the unconscious Eliwood in the stomach.
"You idiot! God dammit!" Hector cursed.
"ELIWOOD!" Eleanora raged. "Wake up right now, young man!" When Eliwood obviously didn't wake up, he made his poor mother even angrier. Angry enough to spin Eliwood around her head and throw the unconscious lord against a tree, which finally woke him up.
"Whoa…Remind me to never, ever, get Eleanora angry." Hector stared, wide-eyed.
"I completely agree. And if I ever do get in trouble with her…Guy, you'll have one less favor to do for me." Matthew mumbled.
"What? That's not fair! That's like sentencing a man to death!" Guy pleaded his case in front of Matthew, but the thief was unmoved.
"Eliwood! How dare you get drunk and go gallivanting with your friends!" Eleanora shouted, pointing at the distant figures of Nergal and the Black Fang.
"Um…Lady Eleanora…" Hector ventured a weak protest, but it would seem that no one would be free of Eleanora's wrath.
"And you!" The purple-haired queen whirled on Hector and reduced the strong-willed lord into a shaking pile of flesh. "You probably influenced my darling Eliwood with your drinking and partying! You should be ashamed of yourself!" The next target was Matthew. "Thieves are the scum of this land! You made my innocent Eliwood into the monster he is today!" And finally, Guy. "And your dorkiness probably rubbed off on Eliwood, reducing him into this…this thing! It's all your fault!"
"Wha?" Hector, Matthew, and Guy stared, dumbfounded as Eleanora continued venting her rage on them. Luckily for Eliwood, this distraction was all he needed in order to escape and run to the loving arms of Fiora, where he started crying and angsting about how his parents were so cruel to him.
"Yo! What's up?" The tactician, Chris if you've forgotten, walked up to them. "Oh, hi Lady Eleanora!"
"And you and your crappy plans that put Eliwood in danger! How cruel! How merciless are you!" Eleanora, provided with a new target, immediately honed in for the kill. And like the men they were, Hector, Guy, and Matthew fled the scene. "How did you become a tactician anyway? You probably paid off someone!"
"…You sound like my father…" The tactician mumbled and started walking off.
"HEY! Don't walk away from me! I mean it! Get back here!" Eleanora chased after Chris, yelling curses, threats, and lots of bad stuff.
Back in the castle, everyone bowed their heads in reverence and respect of the tactician that gave his life so that everyone else could live on. They truly honored his sacrifice.
Hahahaha! If you believed that, then you're a bigger fool that George W. Bush! And that's big, man! Actually, they just broke open another keg of beer and continued to party. That's when Hector remembered that there was another reason for all the costumes. There was going to be a costume contest! He immediately smacked himself on the head with his hand. However, he forgot that he was holding a mug of beer in that hand so he smashed the glass against his head, knocking himself out.
---
"And now, let the contest begin!" Hector, now with a huge ice pack on his forehead, slammed a gavel onto the counter he was sitting behind. "The people sitting with me are the judges!" And the judges were Hector, Uther, Oswin, and Wallace. Notice that they're all grumpy, old people. Except for Hector. Hector was just grumpy. Probably from having that glass mug shatter all over his face.
"Now for our first contestant, Nils!"
Nils pranced out. "Hey, you guys suck!" And then he began singing the "Os-tiii-aaaa!" song from earlier. Obviously, this had absolutely nothing to do with his costume. Hector threw the gavel at Nils' head, but the bard dodged and stuck his tongue out at the judges. "Nyah, nyah, can't hit me!"
Hector was about to punch him on the head when Oswin tapped him on the shoulder. "WHAT?"
"You can't hurt little children. Rule number 3 in the 'How to be a Marquess.'"
"Oh…Anything about mauling?" Hector looked thoughtful.
"Mauling…Mauling…" Oswin flipped through the pages. "Nope."
"Good!" Hector started strangling Nils, but the bard squeaked out of Hector's grip and started laughing.
"Get off the stage!" Hector roared and Nils dashed off, giggling madly. Only to be stopped when his sister, Ninian, smacked him on the head and proceeded to give him a big talking to. Hector grumbled angrily. "Now, our next contestant is Marcus!"
"When I was young, I often-
"WRONG! GET OFF!" Hector shouted.
"Hmph, young people have no respect." Marcus walked off, angry.
"Next contestant!" Hector said, now resigned to the fact that it was someone stupid. And in all respects, he was correct. Guess who walked out? Bartre.
"I'm going to see what fire tastes like!" The warrior stuck a lit match in his mouth and swallowed it. Luckily for Bartre, his saliva extinguished the flames. However, it still was very, very hot. "ARGH! IT TASTES LIKE ELECTRICITY! IT TASTES LIKE BURNING!" He rushed off the stage, searching for some place to cool down his burning mouth.
"Sigh…." Hector gave a heartfelt sigh. "Please…Please let someone good come out…" Unfortunately, his prayers were not answered. Cause the next person up was Karel.
"I will kill you so that your strength will not challenge me later!" Karel charged at Hector and began swinging his sword erratically, laughing.
"Son of a bitch!" Hector cursed and vacated his seat before it was sliced in half. "Someone restrain the maniac!"
"On it!" Oswin and Wallace body slammed the berserk swordmaster. Normally, this would have been a good move. However, they were covered in around one-hundred pounds of armor. Obviously, this would make the weight on Karel a lot more than normal. So, when they got off of the swordmaster, they found out he was as flat as a pancake.
Karel, being the homicidal maniac that he was, wasn't exactly dead, so everyone could hear his shouts of outrage and vengeance as Oswin and Wallace carried him off somewhere. And, just saying stuff here, but it's really weird looking when someone as flat as a pancake is swearing at you. Seriously, dudes. I mean, come on. Think of it as ant that learned to talk and now is cussing you out. It's that weird.
"Ooookay…Returning to business here…" Hector looked at his sheet. "This is going to take a long, long time…"
Chris: Yep! The next chapter is the last one! And since I don't think the next chapter is long enough by itself to warrant a "full" chapter, you get an extra at the end of the chapter! Isn't that exciting? Anyway, review please!
And praise the "Os-tiii-aaaa!" song! NOOOOOW! It took me two ours to coordinate it correctly.