Pain, Love and Shame
Part Three
We watch all and all tremble before us. All life bows to our will as we are perfect. We guide this lost world on the path to truth and perfection. We are FATE, and fate is us……
He looked different when we came back to 1000 A.D. and everyone could see it. He looked very different than he'd looked before, but not in the way we'd all expected. He didn't talk about what happened down there, against Lavos, like he was ashamed of it. He had a look of emptiness in his eyes. The change in him became even more apparent when, after we'd all separated to prepare for the moonlight parade, we stayed in Leene's Square and watched the races.
This may not seem odd to many, and in fact, Magus himself admitted he half enjoyed athletic competition, but the crowds of the Millennial Fair had always driven him away before, and he didn't seem all that much happier about them now. Yes, despite all that, there he stood, against a fence, sipping his cider and watching the races.
Little could I be bothered by such things, however, as Robo and I had a task to fulfill. Not one of any great danger, mind you, but equally as difficult: convincing rulers throughout time to come to our little party. It took a lot, but we managed. Kino was the most difficult, as he didn't really understand what was going on, but when we told him Ayla would be there, he immediately agreed. After we did what we set out to do, I thought I'd enjoy some of the festivities at the fair before the celebration at the Moonlight Parade. Unlike Magus, I loved the fair and everyone in it. I spent time tweaking my telepod and then I won the soda guzzling contest. With the silver points I won there, I thought I'd do a little gambling. When you spend months gambling with your life, it is a whole lot easier to gamble away silver points.
"Who's your racer?" The carnival man asked.
"G.I. Jogger?"
"Are you sure, he's been having cramps in his leg the past couple days. The Green Ambler is on a hot streak right now."
"I'm not here to win, I'm just having fun. Besides, the payday is a lot higher on G.I. Jogger."
"Fair enough." The man said, ripping me a ticket. "One for G.I. Jogger. If, and I do mean if, you win, come back here for your silver points."
"Okay." I said, walking towards the closer fence. I felt so good up to that point; it's a shame it all had to come to an end with a quick glance behind me.
There he stood, melancholy and brooding, sipping away at his cider, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. His eyes glanced around a bit, like he was looking for someone whom he knew wouldn't be there. He'd take a deep breath and sigh every once in a while.
The race was nearing the halfway point when I approached him. I thought, maybe, I could help him deal with whatever was bothering him. I thought I had done so before, so who was to say I couldn't do so again.
"How're you doing?" I asked, as straightforward as I could be.
"What sort of question is that? How do you think I am doing?" He replied angrily.
"Well, with everything that went on, I thought maybe you'd be happy, at least for a moment." I said, with a slightly smug tone. His utter refusal to escape his depression was beginning to wear on me.
"Things don't work that way, little one. They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Do you know why?"
"No." I replied, though I really did. I wanted to hear what he had to say.
"Because when you are dead, you don't feel empty, wrong, or without purpose. I knew what was to become of my revenge. After a few years, I began to accept the fact that it would not make me any happier, any more complete." He said, cold and emotionless.
"Then why? Why did you persist?" I said, trying to get something out of him. He'd given me hints before, I thought perhaps he would open up fully, now that he had nothing to protect.
"Because I hate him, that's why! I hated him more than I loved anything. It stewed in me, and was only cultivated more by the mystics. Ozzie never would have been able to deal with the emptiness if he'd finally succeeded in crushing the humans, but he was blinded by his rage, unable to see that sorrow and pain were his future if he'd succeeded. I knew. I've known since I was your age, but it didn't matter. I knew I'd have to face this, I knew the consequences." His reply carried the same emptiness he claimed to now endure. It was here that I decided he wasn't genuine in his claims. Something else was bothering him and I would find out what.
"Why do you insist on torturing yourself? Are you some kind of masochist? I don't get it." I said, challenging him, trying to pry what ever bothered him from its dark hole in his soul.
"And you don't have to. I never asked for your help with my pain. I never asked for a friend. I asked for someone who could help me kill Lavos, and you all did that. When we separate tonight, I have no intention of even thinking about any of you again." He said, with little care for what he said. He seemed to mean it, though whether he did was debatable. I had known him more for exaggeration than any truthful hate or indifference, save for the beast he'd helped to kill.
"That, after all we did for you…" I tried to guilt him into admitting something, anything, any sign of what was brooding inside of him.
"You would have served me better by letting the Frog kill me on the cape." He said. He tried to save face, but it became more and more apparent that he wasn't quite as stable as he claimed.
"So that was what that taunting at the North Cape was about. A self induced death? You were going to let him kill you." I was determined to get it out of him. I was sure of it now, there was something left. He knew something, something dark.
"…None of you would understand. We were at a crossroads, and you would have gone on to destroy him anyway. The cogs of FATE held either death or sorrow for me on that day, and sorrow was the choice." This was the first time he'd spoken of such things. I wondered if this was part of what he was brooding about.
"What are you talking about?" His last statement reminded me of the conversation we'd had of 'the entity'. His words grew eerie, like when he, as a child, spoke of what would become Crono's death.
"Nothing. Nothing that you would have any comprehension of anyway." He sounded like he was trying to end the conversation, but when he could see that I would have none of it, he spoke more. "I was destined; either to die on that cliff, or live with what I am living with now. The paths offered to me have never been very good." He talked of destiny again. I began to think that 'destiny' had something to do with his current state.
"No, a person makes his own path, Magus. We all have a part to play, but we decide how we play it." I challenged him. This was not a challenge of ideology or philosophy, but of personal truth. I began to think that I had, perhaps, really gotten to the most basic and true parts of Magus, something I would soon regret.
"Poor, naïve little girl. Your words have rung with truth before, but now you are just being silly. Do you think you, or I for that matter, would have had the might to challenge Lavos if things, thousands of years in the making, hadn't been set in motion. We were all meant to experience what we did. Without it, we couldn't have beaten him. He would have slaughtered us like cattle, just like he did to Zeal." He said, with a fire I had seen little of. It seemed I was getting deeper.
"So you are saying we have no choice in how our lives end up." I said, with a slight hint of nervousness. I feared what he might say. Now, more than he ever had in Zeal, he sounded prophetic, like the harbinger of doom he'd once pretended to be.
"No, I am saying things are led a certain way. None of you realize it, but you were all destined to defeat Lavos. It was your purpose, your reason for existence. From this point forward, you will have to be cautious, aware, and alert. I fear there is no hope for Crono and Marle, as they have chosen a path to ruin…" He said. I initially thought he was just trying to rile me up, but looking back, I can see that he spoke only the truth as he knew it would be.
"What are you talking about?" I replied, more angry than anything else. I was beginning to regret prying.
"And without help, you will to." He said, with the dark, intimidating tone of voice he used as he posed as the prophet.
"Magus, stop it! This isn't funny." I replied, not caring for the conversation anymore. He was finally hitting the nerve he'd been looking for.
"I am not joking. The black wind has howled around you all since the day you were born. You live to kill and be killed, much like myself; only, I see my role lasting at least a bit longer than yours." He said, with that arrogant tone he had when we first met him in his castle. I was in such a state that I felt he was trying to anger me, as a sort of punishment for trying to get too deep.
"Magus, you may not like it, you may hate us for it, but you are no better than any of us." I tried to attack to his vanity and arrogance to get him to stop, but it was becoming increasingly apparent that they were not motivating factors in what he said.
"No. I harbor no ill will towards any of you, even the Frog, but you all are too caught up in yourselves and what you've done, that all will be lost. I may be a miserable bastard, but I am a smart, miserable bastard. My story has meant to end many times before now, yet here I am. I've learned to live this way, but I will tell you, most never get the chance, including you." I saw no malevolent smile upon his face, nor evil joy in his voice. He spoke almost apologetically now. I began to realize that this is what he brooded about. I had dug to where I wanted to go, but I didn't want to be there anymore.
"Magus…I…I don't understand." I couldn't take it anymore. Everything he said felt so horribly true. It gave me the same feeling I had when I first learned of what was in store for the future, only I could think of no way to stop any of it.
"That is the point. Though I will say this, you serve a deeper purpose than the others. You will live to see their fall, and you shall persevere, at least for a while." He said in a way that can only be described as a comforting taunt. It was like he knew that what he spoke of would, indeed, come true, but he tried to make me feel better about it.
"Magus, please stop…." I was almost begging him. He replied by gesturing towards the middle of Leene's Square, where Leene's Bell rang, not with the joyful, embracing tone the citizens of Truce had come to know and love, but with a dark, ominous ring.
"That bell tolls for the future, Lucca. I would pray it is not yours, if I were you."
Ooooooohh. Dark and brooding, a shadow of what is to come of this story. Not exactly what you expected. If so, good. If not, I hope you enjoyed it anyway. I'll try to keep more coming, but I want this to be at least halfway good, so I'm gonna give it some time (I rewrote this chapter four times before creating this final product!). I hope you all like what this is going to become and I love to hear from you, good or bad, so keep the reviews coming. God bless and GO SOX!
Dark Creation