Pain, Love, and Shame
Part 5
Despite my unique expertise on the subject, the real workings of time elude me. In fact, I would go so far as to say my special understanding of time has done little but muddle the subject for me. To stick with the general questions of time, those asked by people with normal experience of time, is almost a refreshing break from the questions I have, even though I have found few answers to any of them.
Why does time seem to move faster at some moments and deathly slow in others? A question asked by many, including myself, with no real logical answer. The gears of the clock and the electrical impulses within the computer, even the basic functions of life are all slaves to that one heartbeat that is time, yet we complex living things seem to experience time more like a grand orchestral piece, with many ups and downs and varying speeds. And despite my greatest efforts, I have yet to discover why we experience time so.
I wish I could understand, so I could finally figure out why those seven years after our return from the Battle of Lavos went by so quickly. The generally accepted theory as to why time seems to fluctuate speeds is that it moves faster when you are happy and slower when you are not. I can refute this claim by saying that those were the fastest seven years of my life, and with them came rage and sorrow abound. The tears I shed over those seven years could have filled the great ocean that separates the Zenan Continent from the El Nido Archipelago. I lost my best friends, I lost my parents, I lost everything I had ever known and with every loss came another child. Perhaps Fate's way of saying sorry, but I have long lost the will to speculate on the matter.
But, as it always does, time eventually did slow down. It's rather funny, but I remember the exact moment it slowed down. In retrospect, there are no real logical reasons as to why it did. The time that followed was no happier than the time before and the only noticeable change in my life was one that would make little sense as an explanation to the deceleration of the pace of time.
It did always seem that time moved slower when he was around, though. Even the first time I saw him…we would face far greater battles, but it was the battle against him that seemed like it would never end. I often wondered if everything moved slower for him all the time, like his mere presence would alter the space-time continuum, though I highly doubt such was the case.
He came so suddenly; it was very strange. It was like he knew he was meant to come to me that day. Though I can only speculate, he probably did know. He always knew stuff like that. It was the simple and little things that were hard for him. The deeper, greater things, he understood like it was basic arithmetic, but the small things, like a person's feelings, were all too often lost to him, usually to his own discretion. He didn't like talking about things like that, though for some reason, he had with me. Yet he came and greeted me with a question inquiring about just that.
"How are you, Lucca?" He said, with the softest tone I had ever heard him use. He was always so sharp and rough, but with that question, all the rough edges smoothed. I was naturally suspicious, not only at his sudden appearance, but also about the tone he used. He seemed to have changed, though whether or not it was for the better was another question entirely.
I waited for a moment to reply. From what I knew of Magus, he never engaged in light conversation. When he spoke, it was most often for a reason, and I questioned whether the "here and now" was a good one to engage in such a conversation. It was different back then, when it was just us. I had a child with me now. Children bore easily, and tend to make their own fun, and somehow I doubted that Magus would appreciate that innocent playfulness.
"I am fine." I said without giving him my full attention. I wanted him to know that the child with me took priority, and he seemed to understand. He knelt down next to her and spoke.
"And who is this cute little girl?" He asked, playfully. It was strange seeing him act that way, but I knew it was his way of saying that it could wait.
"…" The girl didn't respond, hesitant as he was a stranger, and a menacing looking one at that. She looked to me to see if it was okay and I nodded in approval. "I'm Kid."
"Well, it's very nice to meet you, Kid. What are you and Lucca doing?" He asked. Kid was still slightly frightened of him, not yet having trust in the dark looking stranger who had suddenly knelt next to her.
"Me and Sis are starting a garden." She replied, with a little more confidence now. She seemed to be warming up to him, slightly.
"Wow! That sounds like fun! You should be really excited, I remember a time when 'Sis' only played with machines." He said, jabbing at me a little. I smiled at the remark as I knew it was true.
"Oh, but Sis does everything with me! Sis is the best!" Kid responded with great pride. She always did when she talked about me. She loved me like a mother and I could only return that love, as she was just as good as a daughter to me. She was the first, only a babe when I found her. And as much as I loved all the children, she would always hold a special place in my heart.
"Does 'Sis' ever tell you stories? Has 'Sis' ever told you about me and Crono, and Princess Nadia, and the rest of us?" He asked, growing curious as too how much I actually told the children about what we'd done.
"..Um…She told us about Mister Crono and Miss Marle and Sir Frog and Robo, and Ayla and Magus and all the adventures they had. It's really fun to hear her tell those stories." The child replied with such enthusiasm. She loved those stories. She especially loved to hear about Frog. I never called him Frog when I told the stories, but they still all called him Frog. To tell the truth, she didn't like hearing about Magus much. He was the "big meanie" who turned Glenn into Frog.
"Kid, do you want to go in and play with Mibo?" I asked, referring to a small replica toy of Robo I had built years ago. Mibo was Kid's favorite toy and I knew she wouldn't refuse. She didn't even give a reply. As soon as I asked, a big smile grew across her face and she ran inside followed by her innocent laughter. I turned my attention back to Magus and that playful face he had worn for Kid had faded away, giving way to that grim and gloomy Magus that I had known before.
"Time has treated you well." He said, though I do not know exactly what he was remarking about. Nothing about me had changed for the better. I was worn out and tired. My mind was running on fumes which was far more than my body was, and my soul, well, my soul weathered a lot of storms over those seven years.
"Has it?" I said, only able to think about all I'd lost. Immediately after I said it, however, I decided that that 'woe is me' attitude would not serve me here. "Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind."
"I see that, though I was beginning to think the children were a way for you to cope." He said, like he was judging me. He was beginning to bother me, but not with what he said. Nothing he did told me anything about why he was there, and I was growing nervous, remembering back to that day in Leene's Square.
"I love my children, but a lot has happened." I replied, but I didn't really want to. I was tired of the subject already as those wounds, even after seven years, still hurt. "I still try to keep busy, though it's a little harder than it used to be, with the kids and all, but I've made some really neat stuff. Even you might be interested in some of the things I've built." I tried to change the subject, hoping he would want to change it with me.
"Yes, I know. I saw your project at the Technology Fair in Porre. You took first place, didn't you, with the Power Seal Advanced Model?" He said, taking my bait, though in retrospect, I see now that I was taking his.
"Yes, but that was just a prototype model. I finished a fully-functional product last month."
"I remember, on the mountain, you said you probably couldn't fix it, now you've improved upon it. Lucia never had a chance, did she?" He said, referencing my rival. He was really playing me well. I never saw it coming.
"Oh, she just needs time. She still has the drive. I'm forcing myself to work, and soon that won't be enough." It was true. I'd lost my will for it. Within a year, maybe two, Lucia would surpass me and to tell the truth, it didn't bother me. It would have, years ago, but it didn't matter anymore.
"It has worked well enough. You've garnered a lot of attention from some rather shady characters." He said, twisting the subject to what he came to talk about.
"What are you talking about?"
"I told you to be careful and you didn't listen." He said bluntly. I understood why he allowed me to change the subject. I couldn't believe I allowed myself to be played like that.
"What was I supposed to do? We can't all disappear for seven years like you can, Magus. It was all I had to stay sane. Even with the children, every time I look into their faces, I see another death. I weighs rather heavily after a while. You should understand that." I replied, trying desperately to make him see, but he was as blind as he'd ever been.
"It is not my life at risk, Lucca. Hell, it's not just your life, but I'm sure you thought about that." He said sarcastically and I knew exactly what he meant and I was appalled by it. For him imply that I didn't care enough to think of the well being of my children was an insult to my very humanity.
"Don't you dare say anything like that to me again. You have NO place saying anything like that to me. My children are my life!" I said, knowing that would make him remember his own mistakes regarding the lives of those HE loved. Indeed, I could tell my point was made, as he changed his tactics.
"…The path you chose is one of ruin, you understand that, right?" He said, trying his best to sound like he did that day at the Millennial Fair, but I'd grown up a lot in those seven years, and I was not nearly as bothered by his ominous prophecies.
"The path I chose is the path I chose and nothing more. I chose to live…" I tried to reply, but he would have none of what I would say.
"And in so doing you chose to die." He interrupted. He sounded much more serious. His sarcasm and ominous air were gone.
"I suppose, but then of course that is saying that I have nothing to say in the matter." I replied with as much confidence as I could muster. I wasn't going to let his pessimism get to me, not without a fight anyway.
"Lucca, I'm not going to play games with you anymore. They are coming. They are coming now and they will be here soon. This is not some faceless killer; this is a direct tool of FATE. Prepare as you will, but know that the odds are not in your favor. The man and the girl who come for you are more powerful than you realize. I will do what I can, but I have restrictions of my own to deal with." He said, giving me no answers, just more questions; questions that he was determined not to answer.
"Like what?"
"You wouldn't understand." He replied, like always did, assuming ignorance. That assumption was not one I would tolerate.
"That excuse has grown weak, Magus. I understand a whole lot more than you realize. Speaking of which, how are things going with the Radical Dreamers." I was growing tired of his secrets and hoped that by exposing one of them, he would reveal the rest, a hope that was quashed.
"They are a means to an end, Lucca, one of which you started to fight for, but refuse to finish the job." He said as he was growing angry with me, though it didn't seem like it was for the same reasons I though it would be.
"What are you talking about?" His reply had raised more questions. I just couldn't understand why he wouldn't get to the point. Maybe I was just angry, I don't know, but Magus seemed determined to withhold as much information as he could.
"I'm done talking to you, Lucca. I'll just say what I came to say and be done with it: They'll say their coming for you, but in truth they don't know what they are coming for, but I do." He said, shifting his gaze towards my home, then back to me. "Don't give them anything, no matter what, or everything that you and I and Crono and the rest of us fought for will be undone. Make your preparations, they will be here tonight." When he finished, he turned and left.
I knew what was in store for me; at least I had a good idea. I'd known it was coming for a while, but I didn't know it was coming so soon. I looked back inside and saw Kid in the doorway, playing with Mibo. I smiled, though I was just realizing what Magus was talking about. I went inside to retrieve a letter that I'd long ago written and sent it away on a carrier pigeon to Porre, to someone who I knew would make sure that Kid would read it. Then I went back inside to spend some time with my children, knowing that it would very well be last time I had to be with them.