Chapter Five: Rapid Hope Loss

After talking to my dad for three hours, I was a mess. My face was bright red and my eyes looked horrible from all of my crying. And he wasn't coming home. Of course not. My mother had just died, his wife, and he couldn't make it back. I couldn't really blame him I guess. He was fighting in a war. I guess I should be lucky that I got to talk to him at all. There was a soft knock on the door, and I immediately sprung up off the bed, straight to the mirror. I wiped my eyes a little, then opened it.

"Is it safe to come in?" Marco asked me.

"Yeah, I'm done talking to him," I said, stepping aside so that Marco could come into his own room. I flopped back onto the bed and lay down. He lay next to me and held onto my hand. I stared at the ceiling, trying so hard not to look at him. I placed my free hand onto my stomach and began to think about the baby.

How would I take care of it at such a young age? And wouldn't Marco have to tell his parents sooner or later? He'd have to help take care of the baby too. But then again, maybe this was the one thing I needed to get Marco back. Maybe if he saw me with his baby, then he'd want to be with me.

Wow, who was I kidding? A baby wouldn't change Marco's sexuality. I could still hope though, couldn't I?

When Marco squeezed my hand, all of my thoughts disappeared. Forgetting that I didn't want to look at him, I turned my head to the side and found him looking at me. It took all that I had in me to not lean over and kiss him. A tear fell from my eye but he didn't even notice.

"Tomorrow's the visitation," I told him, unable to think of anything else to say.

"I'll definitely be there." I was so lucky to have Marco, even if I couldn't be with him the way I wanted.

"He's not coming."

"I'm so sorry El," Marco said and pulled me into a hug. I hugged him back and didn't want to let go. I smelled his shirt and laid my cheek onto his shoulder.

"I might move in with Sean," I blurted out. Smooth move Ellie. What an idiot. I mentally smacked myself. Marco instantly pulled away and looked into my eyes.

"What?" he said, raising an eyebrow. "You are not moving in with him! I don't want my baby near that, that…thug."

"I don't have anywhere else to go!" I protested. It's not like he was my father. Marco couldn't tell me what to do! Of course, his opinion mattered, and I would never do anything that would make him hate me.

"I just don't want you to have to raise a baby in that kind of setting. He drinks and steals, and who knows what else!" he yelled at me. As if it was my fault that Sean did those things.

"And the baby growing up with an alcoholic who would probably hit it would have been any better?" Tears spilled out of my eyes. "But you don't have to worry about that because she's dead now!" I rolled over and left Marco staring at my back.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "If you want to move in with him then you can." He pulled himself closer to me, his body pressing into my back, and put an arm over me, pulling me even closer to him. "I love you El. I just want what's best for you and our baby," he said into my ear.

"It's not that I want to move in with him. I just have no other choice," I reasoned with him. "I love you too, and I know you're looking out for me." I relaxed in Marco's arms and fell asleep.

The sun warmed my face and woke me up. I squinted my eyes and then rubbed them. Then I remembered that I wasn't alone.

"Marco?" I whispered. "Marco!" I said it louder the second time. "Wake up!"

"Wh…what?" he asked sleepily.

"We fell asleep here last night. You're parents will kill us both if they see us like this!" Marco jumped out of bed.

"Sorry Ellie! I didn't even realize that I was tired. I guess it felt so good to be with you," he said. I knew exactly what he meant. I wished that we could do that every night, but it would never happen.

"It's okay," I said. "What are you doing?" I asked him as he pulled his pants off.

"My parents were asleep when I came up here last night, so they don't necessarily know that I slept here. I'm going to change my clothes. I don't care if you watch. It's nothing you haven't seen. Besides, I'm gay."

Gay. The word stuck in my mind. Why did he have to keep reminding me?

"I'm going to go out the window and go for a run. That way, they'll think I was just out before they woke up. I have to actually run, or they'll suspect something if I don't come home all sweaty."

Of course now I had to envision Marco all hot and sweaty. Like that night we had sex. Why couldn't I keep my mind off of him and that night? Why couldn't I put it all behind me? I know why; because I love him. I'll always love him and he'll always love me, but not in the way that I need to be loved. I watched as he climbed out the window and I shut it behind him. Then I made my way to the bathroom to shower.

Fifteen minutes later, I emerged from the steaming room with a towel wrapped tightly around me. I went back to Marco's room and put on my only dress. Today was the day. My own mother's visitation. I never thought I'd be going to it when I was only fifteen.

I stood next to Marco and his parents, completely nervous. I wasn't crying; yet. I was worried that no one would come. Why would they? I asked myself. No one liked her. Except for me and dad, of course. Thinking of my dad just made me upset again. I wished so bad that he was there.

I walked over to my mother's coffin. It was closed tightly with a framed picture of her sitting on top of it. The picture was one that my dad had taken, before he left, when we were all happy. It seemed so long ago that I couldn't even remember. There was also a bunch of flowers next to the photo. I picked the flowers on my way there because I didn't have any money to buy nice ones for her.

I looked at the door and was surprised to see people coming in. People were actually coming to the visitation. Of course, none of them probably knew my mother. I'm sure they all knew who she was, but they never got to know her. It was still comforting that some people cared enough to show up.

Not many people came at all, but here's the final list: Me, Marco, his parents, Emma, Spike, Mr. Simpson, Jay, Craig, Joey, and Sean. Yeah, Sean showed up too. I wasn't really sure why. Emma must have asked him to or something. Ten people (besides me) were a lot more than I even thought would show up. I was surprised and happy at the same time. Maybe more people cared than they let on.

Everyone came up to me and said basically the same thing. They were sorry that it happened, and wanted me to call them if they could help me out in any way. They all stayed for about two hours. I told a few stories about my mom, good ones of course. Then it was all over. This was the last time I'd see my mother ever again. Not that I was really seeing her at all.

When the visitation was over, I stayed for a few minutes, talking to my mom inside her coffin. I finally left and slowly walked outside. I bumped right into someone as I ran around the corner of the building.

"Sorry!" I yelped, keeping my head down. I started to walk away, when whoever it was grabbed my arm to hold me back.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you," he said. I looked up and it was Sean.

"Um…about what?" I asked, a little confused. We had never spoken before.

"I just wanted to tell you that I know how you feel." He shoved his hand in his pockets. "Well, not exactly, because neither one of my parents is dead…I just know what it's like to lose a parent. I lost both of them when they sent me away…" he trailed off. It was kind of a sweet attempt, but wasn't really making me feel any better.

"Thanks," I said genuinely. "It helps to know that people care, you know?"

"Yeah, I do. Listen…I also heard that you were looking for a place to live…" he said a little tentatively.

"My dad's in the army, so he's not coming home any time soon. And Marco's parents aren't letting me stay with him," I said, knowing full well that I hadn't really given him an answer.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to come and see my place. I know that we don't really know each other that well, but if you have nowhere else to go, even if it's only for a little while, I'd be glad to have some company. And I have an extra bedroom; it's not like I'm just looking for someone to…" he was rambling and he knew it. He stopped suddenly, but I thought it was cute.

"I'd love to check it out. How does now sound?" I asked, smiling for the first time that day.

"That sounds great."