A/N: I'm SO sorry…I didn't update in some time but my editor has gone and he's back now! I might be switching editors because ronaldo9 is often but I already have somebody in mind. Anyways, this chapter is just mainly showing that Hermione has two sides of herself, and she's very emotionally unstable right now. It might be awkward; because the chapter before just seemed like Hermione was fine and all…Well I don't want to spoil it so go read it for yourself! Enjoy!
Bittersweet Love
XOXO
My Happy Ending
The Truth
Hermione's Point of View
People think stupid things. Stupid things like – suicide, misery, darkness, death, and what not. It's just a big waste of time. Either you kill yourself now or choose to live on. Why waste so much time pondering about the two factors? It doesn't make much of a big difference. Just die and get it over with or stop thinking about it. It's stupid and only stupid people think of such things. I'm one of those people.
I have a problem. Actually, many problems that are still unsolved and probably will always stay unsolved. I get so annoyed at myself sometimes, so… frustrated. I get upset that no one can truly understand me or how I feel.
Maybe I'm going insane – maybe I should see one of those muggle therapists who always walk into your life right at the time when you don't want them to. They stick to you like a bug and try to help you but you know they can never help. "How do you feel about that?" they would ask. Like they even give a SHIT about how you feel. They attempt and they think that everything in life is just an easy math problem that anyone can solve. Well NO ONE can solve this one. Except for maybe me.
There's another thing. Adults – my major pet peeve. They try to help and it never works. They act like they really care about you but in all's honestly, why would they even bother? They don't give a fuck about you. All of those adults are pretenders. Stupid pretenders who only care for themselves. They think that being a child is so easy and that we don't know what they're going through – but we have worse problems! Life might even be harder for us than for them. They just don't know that. And they don't believe us either.
Everyone thinks it's so easy to be me. I have the smarts, the knowledge, the intelligence – it's the same quality, I know… but I'm just trying to help make myself feel better. It's not working. I don't have anything else except for my intelligence.
No one actually knows what I go through. I know my life isn't that bad; hell, it might be considered good compared to the muggle children who live in Africa and starve.
Smart – pphhhfftt. What does that actually matter? I don't really care. Actually I don't care that I even fail my last year at Hogwarts! "Oh yes, Hermione Granger will end up being VERY successful." WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO! I take it all in. I get it from my teachers, my peers, even my friends (Harry, Ron, Ginny). I hate being good. It's all an act.
And they believe me. They believe I'm happy. They believe I have everything I've wanted.
Yes, I'm a very good actress. And maybe a 'liar' in that case as well.
I've always been upset inside. No one knows. Hopefully no one ever will. I've been telling so many lies about myself.
I lie to everyone. My family, my Hogwarts friends, my muggle friends…and myself.
I avoid the truth. Because the truth is not what I wanted.
At 7 years old, I never understood much. But I understood that my muggle father left with everything we've ever had that one night. He was drinking, like always, uncontrollably and slept with a different woman every night. My mom couldn't even properly talk to him because he was drunk 90 of the time. And he would always hit my mom. It was painful to see her go through it all. But thankfully, he never hit us.
Yeah, there's an 'us.' That's me and my older sis, Elyse. Sounds like we're good buddies eh? Well I hate her. I despise her. I detest her. I loathe her. Because she's everything I've ever wanted to be. I don't want to be her; but I think I'm already too late. The acting half of me, the goody-goody part of me, the teacher's pet of me, has actually become her.
My sister who also has no magic power at all and goes to a muggle American university –Yale. I've heard of it and my mom drags on and on about her going there and how successful she is….she annoys me so much. With her its always "Elyse this, Elyse that" just blabbing on and on. Senseless talk.
On top of that, we've never had much money. We're doing okay now since my sister works and studies at the same time and so does my mom but when 'he' first left us we had no money at all. He stripped us bare of everything we've ever had. It was difficult. We struggled for some time and my mom would continuously say, "Well if you think you're life is bad – look at mine! I've brought you and Elyse up all on my own! Do you think that's easy?"
I would just end up ignoring her. And she would just still keep talking to herself. I used to spend every possible second arguing with her. But really, what's the use? It's just wasting my energy and there's no point in that.
She hardly ever talks to me now. And when she does it's, "How come you can't be more like Elyse?" or "My life is crappy too. I didn't bring you up to be a bitch and burden me with your fucking problems. I've got my own shit to deal with as well."
Not like my mom would understand me; and my sister wouldn't either. I'm a witch. I'm supposed to be better than them. But they discriminate me like I'm worse than them. How come I wasn't born a muggle? How come I couldn't be as smart as Elyse? Well maybe I am. They just don't know. They don't understand a thing about transfiguration or potions or magic at all. If they knew what I could do then maybe they would understand. But they just make fun of me when I show them my 'Outstanding' O.W.L. marks; they just laugh. Because I'm different.
I know I should be proud of me being able to do magic and how well I do in school, but I can't. Because no one understands. In the muggle world, my family doesn't understand. In the magic world, they think I'm a teacher's pet. At home, I'm just a 'witch.' At Hogwarts, I'm just a 'mudblood.'
I just hide inside myself. I'm glad Hogwarts is still there so I can be away for most of the year; it's sort of like my saviour.
I don't have anyone to confide in. To tell what I really feel, you know? Not like anyone would much less care to hear what I have to say.
My life is a lie. It's always been a great big lie. I like avoiding the truth. Lies hurt more than truth, so that's the way to go, right? Wrong.
Nothing in life is trustworthy. Nothing.
Neither is anything believable. Even me.
I have fun-loving muggle parents who are dentists and earn TONS of money and I don't have any siblings that exist. My parents love and support me every step of the way. Yeah right. That's all bullshit.
I love my lies. And every single person believes them.
So to all those outsiders who think my life is just SO easy – it's not.
A/N: There you go!
This is also somewhat partially based on my life. Yeah, I've been through stages where I'd be depressed and then get over it and think "What the hell? My life is brilliant." I feel like I'm connecting with Hermione now. It's easier to write now…XD this actually started out as a letter I was writing when I was depressed, but I changed some stuff so now it's become part of my story and applies to Hermione's situation.
Anyways, I hope you guys liked that! Poor Hermione…Thanks to all my brilliant reviewers! Thank you guys so much! I LOVE REVIEWS! So please, if you are reading this ending author note, please just help me out and review! I just want people to connect with me! I want to know who's reading this and if they think its crap or if it's awesome! Thank you to all those who took the time to review!
And obviously, thank you to my most fab editor – ronaldo9! This wouldn't have become a chapter without you!
Bittersweet Love
XOXO