Chapter Fourteen: Scars

Sean

I'm so glad that Ellie is going to be okay. Well, it seems that she is. She woke up this morning happy like she used to be. She's trying to put the past behind her. I know it's hard to forget about what happened to Zane. It's really hard for me too. But she's trying to at least put it behind her for awhile.

Marco is coming over and then they're going to the movies. I have to go get some work done so I have enough money for rent this month. Mr. Simpson hired me to fix his car again because it's a piece of crap. I'm hoping to be back by the time Ellie gets home so we can have some alone time.

"Bye El, I gotta go to work now. Love you," I said, kissing her on the cheek.

"Bye Sean. See you later. Love you too," she replied, kissing me hard on the lips. I kissed her again but then I really had to leave.

Ellie

"Hello?" The phone rang a few minutes after Sean left.

"Hey El, it's me."

"Oh hey Marco. I thought you'd be here by now. The movie starts in ten minutes," I said.

"I don't exactly feel like going, I'm sorry," he said.

"What's wrong? You sound upset."

"Dylan broke up with me," he sobbed into the phone.

"What? Why?" I asked.

"Because of everything that happened with you. He said it was just too much for him and I seemed too attached to you. I didn't make enough time for him," Marco complained.

"Sounds like he's just being selfish. We did have a baby together. And he just died," I informed him.

"I know. I just…I don't know. I can't believe this is happening Ellie. I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life," he moaned.

"Don't be such a baby Marco. It sounds like you got over your son real quick and now you're just bitching about some stupid breakup," I said harshly.

"It's not a stupid breakup. Dylan meant a lot to me…he still does. And I didn't get over my son; I'm just trying not to think about it. At least you still have someone who loves you Ellie," Marco said, trying to make me feel guilty.

"I love you Marco. I always have. And I will always be here for you. I just don't think that Dylan should be more important then your own child that died what, two days ago? You really need to get your priorities straight." I slammed the phone down, expecting Marco to call me right back and apologize. That's what always happened when he was being a jerk to me. Well, it used to. Now I guess I'm not important to him anymore. I have Sean, and I love him so much, I just can't get over Zane's death as quick as I thought I could.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see my compass, still lying on the floor from last night. It tempted me so much. I shot off my bed and grabbed it, crossing my legs underneath me. So Marco thinks his life is so bad, just because his stupid boyfriend broke up with him? I'll show him.

Are you holding out?
Are you satisfied I'm making confessions?
I'm moving on and you're just waiting around,
While you were down
And looking for someone to follow, misunderstood
I understood you so well.
If it helps to ease your mind
You're not putting me out tonight.
Don't you think you need some time?
I'm not putting you in tonight.
And it helps to know,
To know you're alone,
You're fucked up, just waiting for the call
And just like you, now and then
I cut myself to pieces and it rains,
It pours but it doesn't make any sense
Now you're crushing like cement
'Til you find your perfect fit
To stand out from the rest
To shine on you the best.
Well we're all down,
Is it better now or are you still broken?
I'm moving on and you're waiting around.

I fought so hard not to cut myself. I really did. But how can I not? It's something I've known for a long time. It's me. The compass was right up to my skin, but I lingered there. Can I keep myself from doing it? Of course I can! No, I can't. I cut deep into my left arm. The pain was all let out through that cut. Maybe just one more. And another; another still. I realized I was opening all of my scars. ALL of them. A significant sized puddle of blood was forming on the floor.

"Ellie! I forgot my…" I heard Sean's voice calling from somewhere close. "Oh my God!" he yelled. "Ellie, hold on. Stay with me!" I heard him dialing 911 and felt his hand holding my head up.

Sean

I should have waited until Marco showed up. I shouldn't have left her alone. I shouldn't have told Mr. Simpson I'd help him out today. She was still healing. Why didn't I see it? Why couldn't I tell that her happiness was fake? I'm such an idiot. Now I'm sitting in the hospital holding her hand. She got here in time, they told me. She only needed some stitches here and there. She's going to be okay, they said. But I don't think she'll ever be okay. Not really.

"Sean," I heard her whisper. She squeezed my hand and startled me. "I'm so sorry Sean. I lied to you. I did it again. I'm sorry."

"Shh. Don't worry. Get some rest." She actually listened to me for once. She fell right asleep. Losing so much blood had to have worn her out. I called Mr. Simpson and told him that I couldn't help him out. When I explained the reason to him, he got all worried and said they'd all be right over. Great. I asked him if his wife knew how she could get the blood stain out of the carpet. I told him that I didn't want it to be a reminder to Ellie. Then he told me that he'd go straight to my apartment with Spike and get the stain out, and also that Emma would be over at the hospital in a few minutes. That's good, I think. I'm pretty sure Ellie and Emma have become friends recently. At least, I hope they have.

Sure enough, about five minutes later, Emma and Jay showed up. I forgot they were together. What surprises me the most about that relationship is that Jay hasn't gotten her to have sex with him. And he doesn't care. I can tell. It looks like he's in love. And I guess that's a good thing.

"So, she did it again huh?" Jay asked, almost afraid to approach Ellie's bed. Emma was already sitting down, holding onto her other hand.

"Looks that way, doesn't it?" I snapped at him. I could tell he was a little hurt by what I had said. "I'm sorry; I just don't know how to deal with all of this right now.

"Don't worry about it," Jay said, walking over and sitting down in a chair next to Emma. He grabbed her other hand and held it in his. Sometimes I got a little jealous of Jay. He's with Emma now, and they have no problems with their relationship. Whereas I'm with Ellie, and she has a whole bunch of problems. Now I feel really guilty for even thinking that. I'm such a jerk. I sighed and put my head in my hands. The moment my hand left Ellie's, she woke up. She was startled to see Emma and Jay, and quickly pulled the blanket over the arm I had been holding. It was the arm she cut up.

"Hey guys," she said sheepishly. "Thanks for visiting me."

"Ellie, are you gonna be okay?" Emma asked outright. She had always been like that. Never afraid to speak her mind.

"I don't know," she answered softly.

"The doctor said you could go home tomorrow. It took me a lot of convincing though. They wanted you to go to some institution, but I promised them that I would look out for you. This means that I'm not leaving you alone for a second," I explained.

"Can we have this discussion later?" she asked, obviously embarrassed that I was talking about it in front of her friends. Not like they didn't know she does it or something. I sighed.

"Sure."

"We should get going anyway Greenpeace," Jay said.

"You still call her that?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. I found that odd, but I didn't say it.

"Yeah, and you don't even want to know what I call him," Emma said, laughing. She gave Ellie a hug while I rolled my eyes. I watched them leave the room and turned back to Ellie. Yep, I'm definitely full of jealousy over those two. But I can't be. I have someone to take care of now.

On the outside I look fine, but on the inside I am dying.

A/N: The little lyric right at the end there is from a Papa Roach song…and they own it. It refers to both Ellie and Sean, but of course more so Ellie. The song in here is "I Cut Myself, Too" by Gob and they own it. I've never heard of it before in my life, but I was just looking at a bunch of lyrics online and found them useful. If you think this is bad, just wait until the next couple of chapters.