Chapter Fifteen: Absent Elements

Ellie

I'm done with cutting. I really am. Even though it feels great to release the pain through the cuts, it doesn't feel so great the next day. My arm has been throbbing for the past two weeks and I can't take it. I'm never going to cut again. Well, at least I won't do so many next time. I think I'd rather take a different approach. I don't want to be like my mother; I really don't. But I think I'll drink my sorrows away. It's better than almost dying of blood loss, isn't it?

I've been lying around in my room since I got home from the hospital. Sean would usually just lay there with me. He told Mr. Simpson that he couldn't work on his car unless he could bring me along. Of course, Mr. Simpson said that I could come if I wanted to, but I refused to go. I'm not going to sit and watch him do something so boring. So basically, he lies right next to me in my bed. He sleeps there every night, with an arm thrown around me protectively. I hate to say it, but I love the attention.

Until yesterday. Yesterday, Sean said something to me that really woke me up. I felt so guilty after he said it that I jumped right out of bed. My arm still hurt, but I helped him clean the apartment up and even cook some meals. This is what he had said to me:

"Has it occurred to you that I'm taking care of you every day, just like you used to take care of your mom?"

Of course, I was blown away that Sean even used the word 'occurred' but I felt so bad. I still remember what it was like to take care of my mom and watch her waste away. I also became extremely angry with Sean because my mom wasn't even given a chance. Sure, I despised the fact that I had to act like the mother, but she broke down when my dad left. She thought he was on a peace keeping mission, when he was really playing house with some girl. And then he killed her. And she was never given the chance to go to rehab and get better. That's why I got up yesterday. Sean really opened my eyes.

But if I wanted a chance, then why was I sitting here on my bed with four empty beer bottles surrounding me? I didn't even realize that I had drunk so many, but I did. And Sean's not here. Since I got up and started helping, Sean decided that he didn't have to stay with me. He did, however, make Emma come over and hang out with me last night and this morning. But Emma had some thing to go to tonight; I can't even remember.

So who was my current babysitter you ask? None other than Jay Hogart. And what was he doing? Why, he was drinking right alongside me.

"Jay, let's get out of here," I said, standing up and swaying to the side a little. "I want to do something fun."

"I can't drive. Let Greenpeace borrow the car." I almost found it cute the way he slurred his words.

"Let's walk then," I suggested, grabbing his hand and dragging him behind me. I left a note for Sean and we were off, walking the streets of Toronto, trying to find something good to do. I remember finding some club to let us in and buying some shots. But being as drunk as I was, that's all I can remember. The next thing I know, Sean is yelling at Jay and my head feels like it's going to explode.

"You were supposed to be keeping an eye on her! Not getting her drunk!" Sean yelled in Jay's face.

"I don't need a babysitter!" I yelled right back. I was angry with him. Now, I know it probably looked bad. Jay and I were in a tangled mess on my bedroom floor. But we didn't do anything last night. At least, I don't think we did.

"And for your information, I did keep an eye on her!" Jay yelled. "She's still alive isn't she?" That comment really pissed me off. Even though Jay was only making a point, I felt like everyone around me thought I was just going to kill myself. Of course, I understood where they were coming from, but I didn't really mean to even cut my arm up so bad. Did I?

"Well, while the two of you bicker like an old married couple, I'm going to get some breakfast." I stood up off the floor and realized that my shirt was missing. I saw it by my bed and grabbed it, shoving it on and wincing as it went over my cuts. I looked quickly at the clock. "How is it that you're yelling about this when you've just come home and it's ten in the morning?" I asked Sean angrily.

"I stayed over at Mr. Simpson's. I was working on the car really late so that I could have rent money for your information," he spat.

"So you stayed at Emma's house all night?" I raised my eyebrows and turned on my heels. I could hear Jay starting to bitch at Sean. Good, he deserves it. Before getting breakfast, I took a quick detour to the bathroom. My left shoulder was throbbing and I didn't know why. I carefully peeled my shirt off and looked in the mirror. Oh. So that's why it hurts.

I guess while I was drunk last night, Jay and I went to a tattoo parlor. On my left shoulder blade was his name tattooed into my skin. No, not Jay's name. Zane's. It said 'Zane' in bold black letters. I started to cry as I put my shirt back on, but was also happy that I would always have him close to me.

When I got to the kitchen, Jay was sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal. Sean was no where in sight.

"How's the tattoo?" Jay asked, smirking

"Great." I rolled my eyes and turned the stove on, preparing to make some eggs and bacon. "Where's Sean?" I asked.

"He left. After my accusations of what he could have done with Emma, he got all pissed off. Don't know where he could have gotten to. And I don't really care." He shrugged. "Whatever."

"Jay did we…" I trailed off.

"Do anything last night?" he finished the sentence for me. I nodded and he shrugged. "No clue. But I bet if we had sex it was the best of my life." My eyes widened and he started to laugh. "I'm joking. I distinctly remember shirts being ripped off and some heavy lip action, but nothing too serious. Although, I should get going. I'll have some explaining to do for Greenpeace."

"You don't feel bad that you cheated on her with me?" I asked suspiciously. I thought Jay had changed since he'd been with Emma.

"Technically, it wasn't cheating. It was only kissing. And we were drunk, so I obviously wasn't in my right mind. Besides, I'm a horny guy. I don't get much action as it is. She'll understand," he said, smiling.

"You're sick," I said. But when I turned back to the stove, I smiled. I almost thought Jay was 'the one' for me last night. I did remember a discussion we had before we got drunk."

-Flashback-

"I just feel like no one understands me, you know?" I said to Jay. He had only been over for five minutes, and we were each starting on a beer.

"I know what you mean. Emma's always trying to change me. I mean, I let her change some parts of me, but there are some things that I want to keep for myself," Jay said.

"Yeah, same with Sean. And I feel like he just thinks I'm a huge mess. I don't know if he even wants to be with me after finding out about all my problems. He has been here for me, I know, but I feel like he just thinks that I cut myself because I feel like it. Or I do it for fun or something sick like that."

"But you really do it because it helps you exchange emotional pain for physical pain. And sometimes the physical pain really does hurt less," he said. I was speechless. "What? Surprised that I can actually get 'deep?' he asked.

"Yeah," I laughed nervously. "I think that maybe I'm just secretly full of hate for my father and sometimes even for Sean. And…" I trailed off.

"Hate stains just as much as blood." I was astonished. It was like Jay took the words right out of my mouth. And that's when he leaned in and kissed me. And I kissed him back.

-End Of Flashback-

"What are you smiling about?" Jay asked. With all my daydreaming, I hadn't realized that he was now standing behind me, with his arms around my waist. I pulled myself away.

"Nothing. Isn't it time you went home to Greenpeace?" I said, mocking him.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. See ya." He kissed me on the cheek and left. I shook my head and laughed out loud. Maybe Jay is right for me. What am I saying? I have Sean. And Jay has Emma. I can tell that he really does love her, despite the kissing last night. But that's just Jay. He's always been like that. And now I think I know why Emma loves him. She's lucky to have him. Yeah, so what? Maybe I am jealous. Just a little.

A/N: So it seems that both Sean and Ellie are a little jealous of Emma and Jay's relationship. Maybe they'd like to switch places. Or maybe they just want to fix their relationship. You'll see what happens. The thing that Jay says: 'Hate stains just as much as blood,' is a line from a poem that I recently wrote. I wanted to throw it in there because it seemed relevant.