50:50 5/6
Chapter Five:
Don knocked on Charlie's door and waited.
"Come in."
Don walked in and sat on the edge of the bed Charlie was laying on.
"Hey, buddy. How are you feeling?"
Charlie gave a little shrug. "Fine. Just a little tired. You guys ready to go eat?"
"Not really. Listen, Charlie. We got a call from Exagen. The test results are in."
The flash of panic that crossed Charlie's face didn't go unnoticed by Don.
"And? You're both fine. The echocardiograms already showed that." Charlie tried to casually brush off the news, but Don could tell the same emotions from earlier were still there just under the surface.
"Well as we knew already, your test showed the genetic mutations that cause HCM. Exagen just looked for the same mutations in Dad and I."
"Right, since it's inherited it would look the same in me as it would in Dad since he, or Mom, would have been the one to give it to me."
"You didn't get it from Dad," Don said. "So apparently it came from Mom's side of the family."
Charlie let out a sigh of relief. "So Dad's test came back fine."
"It did," Don said. "It was mine that didn't."
"Wh-What?" Charlie stammered, not sure he heard him correctly.
"I have the same genetic mutations you do. We both have HCM." Don said it as plainly as he could, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice.
"No... No... I mean, no, you can't..." Charlie sat bolt upright. "The echocardiogram! It showed! You were fine, you are fine!"
Don just shook his head. "It just showed I don't have any symptoms yet. I have the genetic mutations though so it's just a matter of time..."
"No!" Charlie got up and started pacing. "They're wrong! We'll have to do the test again. They screwed it up. They must have messed up our samples and tested me twice. We'll go down there, have them test you again..."
"Charlie..." Don stood up and tried to reach out to Charlie, but he brushed him off and kept pacing.
"No. Just no. This is not happening."
"Charlie, please," Don said, trying to get his attention. "At least we're in this together, right?"
"No!" Charlie said forcefully. "No! I never wanted that! I never wanted you or Dad to have this!"
"Of course you didn't, buddy. We know that. But now that we both have it you're not alone in this."
"I wish I was alone in this! I've always been alone. I can handle being alone. I can't handle the thought of losing you like I lost Mom."
"Charlie, Mom evidently had it and it didn't affect her life. Maybe I'll get lucky and have another decade or so before it hits me like it hit you."
"Mom..." Charlie finally stopped cold and stood still. "Mom died young and if that's the only reason she never found out she had HCM..." Charlie stared at Don. "She was a social worker and a mother. She didn't do anything stressful enough to trigger the symptoms like I did. Don, you're an FBI agent. Your job is constant stress! What if what happened to me happens to you? You just pass out in your apartment one night after work and no one finds you until days later?"
"Charlie, don't think like that!" Don took a step towards Charlie but he backed away.
"Why not? If I hadn't gotten lucky... If Larry hadn't found me in time... Don, I could be dead now. If it happens to you you might not be so lucky and I can't handle that. Dad can't handle losing you either. Not after all he's been through."
"Charlie, Dad's tough. You're tougher than you realize."
"No! I'm not!" Charlie practically yelled. Don took a step back, surprised. Charlie suddenly deflated and leaned up against the wall behind him, sliding down to sit on the floor. "I'm weak. I've been thinking awful things and but I just can't help it."
Don went over and crouched down in front of Charlie, close enough to touch him but not too close to crowd him.
"What kinds of things, buddy?"
Charlie was silent a moment, staring off into space, breathing ragged as if he was fighting down the strong emotions inside and failing.
"I didn't mean it," he said quietly.
"I'm sure whatever it was you didn't mean it, Charlie. You can't help the random thoughts your mind comes up with. All that matters is that you don't act on them. Take me for example. When I have my gun trained on a murderer there's a part of me that wants to just say forget the courts, let me shoot him right here and get it over with. But I know that thought is wrong so I ignore it. It doesn't mean I don't have those thoughts. I just know that I'd never actually feel that way."
"Really?" Charlie said, almost hopefully.
"So whatever you've been thinking, it's just a normal by-product of your mind trying to deal with what's going on in your life. It doesn't mean that's how you really feel." Don reached out and put a hand on Charlie's knee. "Tell me what it was you were thinking."
Charlie paused, looking uncomfortable, but finally mumbled, "I wished that you or Dad could also have HCM. See? That's a horrible and mean thought and I shouldn't have been having it."
"Actually it makes a lot of sense," Don said thoughtfully.
"What?" Don could tell by Charlie's expression that that was the last thing he expected to hear.
"No, I get it. You're alone in all of this and if say, Dad had it as well, you'd bond over it. You'd both be on special diets, you'd both look out for each other and worry about each other... If you both had it then I'd be the one on the outside, the one who was different. I think I'd feel kind of... left out I guess. So yeah, I can see the positive side of it."
"But there isn't any positive side!" Charlie wailed. "No matter how much easier it would make this for me it's not worth having either of you sick! I know that now! It hurts so much more to know you're sick too than it could ever hurt to be alone!"
Charlie put his head in his hands. "It hurts so much, Donnie. I'd give anything for you not to have this. I'm so sorry."
Don's heart broke to see Charlie so sad and he couldn't keep up the charade any longer. He pulled Charlie's hands away from his face and forced him to look at him.
"That's what I wanted to hear. Actually that's what you needed to hear yourself say."
"What are you talking about?" Charlie looked confused.
"Charlie, I don't have HCM."
Charlie's confusion grew and he shook his head. "But you said..."
"I lied. Exagen did just call but they confirmed that both my test and Dad's came up normal. We're both fine."
For a split second Charlie just sat there stunned. Then, with a speed that surprised Don, he launched himself at his brother and nearly tackled him in a hug.
"You don't have it, you don't have it..." Charlie kept repeating as Don struggled to keep them both from falling over.
"I don't have it, Charlie, I promise you. You can even call Exagen and have them confirm the test results. I swear." Don held on to his brother, smiling.
Charlie finally pulled back enough to look Don in the face. "You swear?"
"I swear! A copy of the results is going in the mail today in case you don't believe me."
"You bastard!" Charlie said, giving Don a playful shove in the shoulder as he grinned. "You lied to me!"
"Well, I had to know what was eating away at you," Don explained. "I did some thinking after I saw your reaction to my and Dad's echocardiograms..."
"You profiled me?" Charlie huffed good-naturedly.
"Well, yeah," Don admitted. "You're a tough nut to crack, I tell you. I even had to use Chaos Theory, but I finally figured out why you were feeling so guilty." Don squeezed Charlie's arm and looked at him seriously. "Charlie, you need to know that it was okay for you to think that way. I know you didn't mean it and you know you didn't mean it so you've got to forgive yourself for thinking that way, okay?"
"Okay," Charlie said, swallowing hard. He paused for a second and then looked up at Don with a questioning expression. "Chaos Theory, huh? They teach you that at Quantico?"
Don grinned. "No, I've got my own teacher for that kind of stuff and he does a great job."
Charlie chuckled at that. "Does he now?" He stood up, offering Don his hand. "Let's go."
Don took his hand and stood up. "El Portal awaits?"
"Yeah," Charlie said with a smile. "We've got something to celebrate."