Chapter Twenty: Carve Your Heart Out Yourself

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all

Ellie

Once we made it to the party, Jay and I actually did something different. Instead of going straight to a corner, Jay grabbed my hand and dragged me out into the middle of the living room. We started dancing together like everyone else, grinding against each other to the beat of the music. Someone put a slow song on after a few fast ones, and Jay pulled me close to him, holding me tight. I laid my head on his shoulder and his hands slid down to rest on my butt. I felt like I was at a school dance. I looked around to see if anyone was staring at us, but then remembered we weren't at school and no one cared. No one knew who we were.

After that one slow song, the music sped up and Jay and I were grinding again. It felt so good to be with him, and even better to be rubbing up against him that way. Not only did it feel good; it felt right. A few hours later, Jay separated from me to find us some water. But I was thirsty for something else. I told him that I was going to go find us a place for us to be alone, but I lied. I was looking for someone. And then I found him in an upstairs bedroom.

"Ryder, hey!" I said, all excited.

"Oh hi…" he stopped, he had forgotten my name.

"Ellie," I said.

"Yeah, hi Ellie. What's up?"

"I need some," I said bluntly.

"Some what?" he asked. He can't be that stupid, can he?

"Come on, I haven't had any in like two days! Coke you idiot," I told him.

"Oh, right. How much money did you bring?" he asked. Damnit! I forgot all about the money.

"I really need it! But I don't have any money." Ryder frowned. "It's the only thing that can take my problems away!" I yelled. Then I thought of Jay. He makes me happy. But Zane is always at the back of my mind. And maybe Marco was right.

"Well, you have to pay me somehow," he said. "Or no coke. I can't just give it away for free." This time it was my turn to frown. I had no idea what she could give him.

"There's only one thing I'll take instead of money," Ryder said, grinning.

"I am not going down on you," I said in an annoyed tone.

"Chill out, that's not exactly what I was thinking…" he trailed off, lifting an eyebrow at me.

"You want me to have sex with you?" I hissed. "Forget it."

"Then I'm sorry, but no coke. I can't give it away. It's too expensive. I'll see you later," he said, turning his back to me and snorting a line. I looked at the white power longingly. I wanted it. No, I needed it.

"Fine, but it'll only be this one time," I said, looking down.

"You need to know right now that if you get addicted to this stuff, it won't be one time. Unless of course, you actually bring money the next time. And it doesn't seem like you have a job," Ryder told me.

"I'm not going to get addicted. This is my last time," I told him.

"Shut the door and lock it." I did as he told me to and then walked over to the bed, sitting down next to him. I nervously twirled my hair in my finger, and Ryder came at me, kissing me on the lips.

"No kissing," I said, backing away from him. He simply shrugged his shoulders and laid me down, putting himself on top of me. He reached up under my skirt and pulled my underwear down, then whipped his pants and boxers off in one swift movement. It made me think of the first and only time I'd had sex; with Marco. But then that made me remember Marco's reaction when I told him I loved Jay. That just made me angry. So I had sex with Ryder.

I greedily grabbed the baggie of cocaine he waved in front of my face when we were done. He put his clothes back on and walked from the room as if nothing had happened. I put my underwear back on and sat on the bed, staring at the bag. It was my release. I dumped a little onto the nightstand next to the bed, made a line, and snorted it quickly. I immediately started to feel the effects of the drug, and I felt at peace with my decision. Then a figure in the doorway made me jump. I shoved the bag in my sweatshirt pocket and wiped my nose off.

"There you are. I've been looking all over for you," Jay said as he walked into the room. I let out a sigh of relief. He hadn't seen the cocaine. I jumped right on him, knocking him down on the bed and started making out with him. It was him that I wanted; not Ryder. I reached down to unbutton his pants, but he stopped me.

"What's wrong? I thought you wanted this," I said to him.

"I do. I just don't like the idea of having sex in someone else's bed. It's just creepy. I thought maybe we could go back to your place," he explained.

"Oh, yeah, sure. Just let me go to the bathroom really quick," I said. I jumped off the bed and went down the hall to the bathroom I had passed earlier. I locked the door behind me, set up a few lines on the counter, and sucked them all up into my nose. There. That felt much better. I looked in the mirror to make sure I didn't leave any evidence on my face. Then I ran out of the room, shoving the bag back into my pocket. I followed Jay to the car and we drove away.

Finally we got back to the apartment. I unlocked the door as fast as I could. We flew past Sean who was sitting on the couch watching television. I waved to him and he smiled a little. I could tell he was uncomfortable with this, but I had to be with Jay. I shut my bedroom door behind us and locked it. Jay lay down on my bed and pulled me on top of him. I kissed him hard and he pulled my skirt right off.

"Wait a minute," I said. Jay frowned and propped himself up by his elbows. "I just need to use the bathroom," I told him. I could feel the drug wearing off already. Not that I needed it to be with Jay; I definitely wanted to do that. I needed it to feel good. Because as soon as it wore off, I would be thinking about Zane. And I didn't want to lose it at a time like this.

I closed the bathroom door and pulled my little baggie out of my pocket. I arranged the last of its contents into three lines. Snorting two up quickly, I paused before I finished the last one. I didn't want it go to waste. That's when Jay walked in.

"What are you doing?" he yelled. I guiltily wiped the powder from my nose and looked down at the ground. "You need that shit to be with me?" He looked really hurt. And that's because he was.

"No! It's not like that Jay!" I started to cry, but it didn't work on him.

"I'm outta here," he said, storming out of my room and slamming the door behind him.

"JAY!" I yelled after him. But he didn't come back. I turned to face the cocaine, one line left, right there next to the sink. I wanted to feel good, didn't I? I snorted the last line up and immediately forgot about our fight. I felt happy again. I needed the drugs. It was the only way to help me. I pulled my skirt back on and decided to go watch some TV. Skipping (yes, skipping) into the living room, I plopped down on the couch next to Sean.

"What happened?" he asked me. I could tell he was confused. He knew we fought, but could tell that I was happy.

"Nothing really. It's okay now," I flashed a cheesy grin at him and he tried to smile back. I didn't care. Sean shrugged his shoulders and turned back to the TV. He changed the channel and we started watching MadTV. I laughed extremely loud at every scene. Sean looked over at me after ten minutes.

"Are you okay?" he asked me.

"Yeah, I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" I asked. Another cheesy grin, followed by another shoulder shrug. Everything continued that way, watching the show and laughing, for a half hour. Then the drugs started to wear off. Great. All of a sudden, I stopped laughing. The fight with Jay started to sink in. I slumped down on the couch and frowned.

"Now what's wrong?" Sean asked. He's so nosy.

"Just get off my case will ya?" I said in a bitchy tone.

"Geez Ellie. Chill out."

"Sean, don't talk to me that way." I stomped off to my room, shutting the door. I opened the door again, and this time, slammed it shut. Then I threw myself onto my bed and burst into tears. Why did I have to do it? Why? I ruined everything and now Jay hates me. No he doesn't. He cares about me. I'm such an idiot. I hate myself. I don't even have any cocaine left to make me love myself again.

I reached under my bed and found my compass. I needed to do it. I had to. I pulled up my sweatshirt sleeve and looked at the scars on my arm. Should I open one up? Or maybe I should just make a new one. Decisions, desicions.

"Ellie, NO!" I jumped.

"Sean what's your problem?" I yelled at him.

"That's not a way to solve things," he said, walking over to me. He grabbed the compass from my hands and shoved it in his pocket. I knew he'd probably get rid of it later. "Listen Ellie, I still care about you; you're my best friend. Well, pretty much my only friend. Just tell me what's going on. I'm here to help."

"I don't know what's going on. I screwed everything up." I let the tears pour from my eyes. Sean pulled me close to him and hugged me. I needed that hug. I let myself collapse into his chest and cried. After what seemed like hours, but was probably only a few minutes, Sean spoke.

"Just call him," he whispered in my ear. Then he looked in my eyes and smiled. "Call him," he repeated.

"Thanks," I said quietly.

"You want me to leave you alone?" he asked me.

"Yeah, thanks again Sean. I needed that." Sean left the room, but I noticed that he left the door open. I knew I should call Jay and try to make peace with him, but I couldn't really bring myself to. While I thought about it, my cell phone rang. I looked at the caller id. Marco. Why was he calling anyway? "Hello?" I answered, not really wanting to talk.

"Ellie, please don't hang up," he said quickly.

"Tell me why I shouldn't."

"I'm calling to say that I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said those things about Jay. I could tell by your reaction that you really do love him. I want us to be close again El. I want to still be with my best friend. I love you, you know that right?"

"Yeah, I do. And I forgive you. A lot of people make assumptions about Jay, but I think I'm the only one that knows what he's really like. Do you want to hang out or something? I could use a night away from here," I said to him, hoping that he'd have something to do.

"I can't tonight. I've got to go over to my cousin's house, but we should definitely hang out tomorrow okay? Call me as soon as you wake up," he told me.

"Okay, I will. I love you Marco."

"I love you too Ellie." I hung up the phone and decided to go to bed. It was already midnight and I was tired. I also wondered why Marco was going to his cousin's house this late, but I guess he was just having a sleepover or something like that.

I pulled all my clothes off and stood there in my bra and underwear. I quickly checked the pockets of my sweatshirt before throwing it in the laundry basket. I felt a piece of paper and pulled it out. There was a phone number scrawled on it; handwriting that I didn't recognize. I decided to call the number out of curiosity. I pulled my cell phone out of my purse and sat down on my bed. I dialed the number and waited. After four rings, a guy picked up.

"Hello?" I asked. The voice sounded a little familiar.

"I take it you found my number in your sweatshirt."

A/N: The quote from the beginning is from the song "Carve Your Heart Out Yourself" by Dashboard Confessional. They own it.

Thanks for all my reviewers who actually show some sort of respect by not insulting me!

Review from Maeve: I like it so far, but you make yourself sound really stupid when saying that Ottawa is "is on the border of Ontario and Quebec" because anybody whos not an idiot knows that Ottawa is the capital of Canada and where it is. Especially if you live in Ontario.

Okay, I don't like the fact that you left that review to me, calling me stupid and basically saying I'm an idiot because of one thing that I wrote. I've never been to Canada or even learned about it and didn't know that…so yeah, I don't appreciate that and if you're just going to leave nasty reviews, then don't read my story.