Chapter Twenty-One: If You Can't Leave It Be, Might As Well Make It Bleed

Ellie

"Ryder?" I asked.

"Who else?" he replied.

"Wow, I'm glad it's you actually, and not some psycho guy who thought I was hot or something," I said.

"How do you know I'm not a psycho?" he asked. I didn't know what to say to that, so I was silent. Then he started laughing. "I'm joking."

"I'm also glad it's you because I'm out of cocaine," I said.

"You really need to learn how to use that stuff sparingly. I gave that to you like an hour and a half ago," he said in a bored tone. "Besides, I thought that was your last time," he added.

"I thought so too. But I need it really bad." I whined.

"You know the price," was all he said.

"Can you give me your address or something?" I asked him.

"Actually, I'm having company over in a little while," he told me. "How about a rain check?"

"I need it now!" I said, raising my voice. "I'll be quick," I added.

"Well, I supposed I could use a bit of fun. Just hurry up okay?" he told me his address, and luckily, I knew the street. It was only a few minutes' walk away from the apartment. I threw my clothes back on and told Sean I was going out. He assumed I was going to Jay's but I didn't tell him any different. Excited by the prospect of getting more coke, I hurried over to Ryder's house and rang the doorbell.

"Come in!" I heard him yell from somewhere in the house. I ripped the door open and went inside. The house was pretty nice but a little small. It was all one floor, and I found Ryder in the back bedroom, lying on the bed with just his boxers on. "Gotta make this quick," he said.

Not bothering to close the door behind me, I walked into the room, pulling my skirt and underwear off. I climbed right on top of him and got to work. I was so happy about getting my fix that I started kissing him. I'm sure he didn't mind. My sweatshirt, shirt, and bra ended up flying off somewhere along the line.

"Ellie?" someone yelled in surprise. The voice came from behind me, in the bedroom doorway. I jumped up and whirled around, wrapping myself in a sheet as I went. I felt Ryder slip something into my hand. I realized it was a baggie.

"Marco?" I yelled back. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I came to see my cousin," he shot back, glaring at Ryder. "What are you doing here?"

Now it all made sense. My eyes widened as I stared at Ryder. That's why he always reminded me of Marco; they were related! What am I going to do? I don't need Marco finding out why I was here. We just made up, and now he's gonna hate me again.

I couldn't answer him. I didn't know what to say. So I fell silent, staring at the bed. I was suddenly ashamed of myself. I realized for the first time what I was actually doing. I realized that my actions had terrible consequences. What would happen if Jay found out? I love him.

"Ellie, can I talk to you?" he asked. I realized that Ryder had pulled his boxers on and was getting off the bed. And there was no way to get away from Marco.

"Let me get dressed first," I finally said. Marco and Ryder left the room. I could hear raised voices outside the room after he closed the door. I quickly pulled all my clothes on and put the cocaine in my pocket. I got what I came here for. But suddenly, I didn't feel so good about it. Even so, I had to have some. It would make everything better. I arranged three lines right there on the floor and sucked them up into my nose. Putting everything away and wiping up the evidence, I walked out of the room with a smile on my face. Marco grabbed my arm to bring me to his car. I wrenched free of his grip when I noticed Ryder motioning to me. I ran over to him with Marco watching me.

"You did good," he whispered in my ear, smirking at Marco over my shoulder. He kissed me hard, discreetly slipping me another baggie while he did.

"Thanks," I said, smiling up at him.

"You know where to come if you need more," he said. Shoving the baggie in my pocket, I turned back to Marco who was glaring at both of us. I reluctantly got in his car and he sped away from Ryder's house.

"What's wrong with you!" he yelled. "You're on drugs now, is that it?"

"No!" I yelled, equally angry.

"Stop lying to me Ellie! I stopped by your apartment tonight, before I came to my beloved cousin's house. Sean told me you just left. Then I ran right into Jay when I was leaving. He started babbling about how he was worried about you because you were always high when you went to parties. And you're high right now! What are you taking Ellie?"

"I'm not taking any drugs Marco. Leave me alone. It's not like you care anyway!" We were at a stoplight and I realized that this was my chance. I threw open the car door and ran. I ran until I got back to the apartment, never looking back. Marco never called after me and he never tried to follow me.

Sean wasn't around when I got inside. He must have already been asleep. I went straight to my room and locked the door. I shoved the cocaine in my pillowcase. Then I pulled all my clothes off and got into bed. This isn't fun. I need fun. I pulled the smaller baggie out and emptied its contents, forming four lines. Once they were all gone I felt better. Much better. I knew it would make me happy.

Jay

"I tried to confront her about it, but she ran from the car." His words hit me like a ton of bricks. If Marco can't get through to Ellie, then I don't think anyone can.

"What am I going to do?" I asked him. It was five o'clock in the morning. I didn't sleep at all last night.

"Look, I found her with my cousin last night. I think he's her dealer," Marco told me.

"Your cousin is a drug dealer?" I asked skeptically. "How'd that happen?"

"His parents died when he was little. It left him pretty messed up. All I know is that he was bounced around in foster care until he was eighteen. No one adopted him. Now he's bought his own house from all the drug money. I went over his house because I just wanted to see him. We haven't talked in a few years. He used to be my best friend when we were little," Marco explained.

"How old is he now?" I asked him. I was a little curious.

"Nineteen. He's addicted to cocaine and who knows what else. I think Ellie's addicted too…" he added.

"She can't be addicted already, can she?"

"You mean you knew about this before last night?" he asked me.

"Yeah. Well, I didn't know she was just doing drugs. We tried it at a party a few days ago. I should have seen it sooner. I'm such an idiot." I said.

"She needs help," Marco told me.

"I know she does. But how am I gonna convince her of that?"

Ellie

I woke up around seven o'clock. I stretched and yawned. Last night was such a blur. I had a fight with Jay, ran off to Ryder, got drugs, was caught by Marco, and then ran away from him. I hope he doesn't tell Jay. But then again, why would they even talk? They don't each other at all.

What's more surprising is that Ryder is Marco's cousin. How did that work out? Marco's family members are all saints. And then there's Ryder, a drug dealer, who's probably addicted to every drug he sells. At least I'm not addicted. Am I? Nah, I couldn't be. I can live without this stuff. I pulled my remaining bag out from my pillowcase. I turned it around in my hands, and then threw it at the wall. The bag fell to the ground, and some powder spilled out. Instantly, I jumped up and ran over to my spilled drug. I'm not addicted; I just don't want it to go to waste.

I pushed as much of the powder back into the bag as I could, then stood up. I came face to face with my son; his picture right in front of my eyes. He looked so beautiful, so peaceful. But he's dead in that picture. He's dead and I'll never get to see him again. Never. He won't take his first steps, or say his first words. I'll never hear his voice. I hope he knows how much I love him.

I collapsed onto the floor and pulled my knees to my chest. Rocking back and forth, tears poured from my eyes. Why did he have to die? My son. Marco's son. Our little baby boy. He would be a month old now. I couldn't stop crying. I had always missed Zane and wished he was still alive. But this was the first time I let my emotions out. The first time I truly thought about him and cried.

I know how to make myself feel better. It's the last bag; I'm gonna promise myself that. No more. I got a book from my bookshelf and brought it over to my bed. I quickly started to arrange lines on it. I won't have to think about Zane. He'll always be in my heart, but I won't have to cry for him. I went into the kitchen and found a straw. Taking the scissors, I cut a section out of it. Then I brought it back to my room and lowered it to the book.

Marco

Wow. I actually had a heart to heart with Jay. It seems so strange to even think about that. But I know that he really cares about Ellie. He might even love her as much as I do. Or more. We decided that the two of us should go talk to her together. We might also talk to Sean.

Right now we're driving over there. It's eight o'clock in the morning. I hope Ellie's okay. She was really upset with me last night. And there's no telling how much cocaine she got from Ryder. We have to hurry. Her life could be in danger.

When we arrived at the apartment, my first instinct was to knock on the door. But then I realized that I didn't need to bother with that. I burst into the living room with Jay right behind me. Sean jumped up at the intrusion. He was about to protest but I silenced him with a wave of my hand.

"Sean, we need to talk to you," I told him.

"Did you really need to burst into my home like this?" he asked.

"Yeah, actually we did," Jay butted in. "Look, it's about Ellie."

"Did she call you?" Sean asked Jay. "I know you two had a fight. She was really upset about it and I told her to call you and just talk to you."

"No, she didn't," Jay said.

"Sean, she's on drugs!" I said suddenly.

"What?" he looked like he was going to pass out.

"She's been getting cocaine from this guy we met at a party," Jay said. We had both agreed that people didn't need to know he was my cousin.

"We think she's addicted," I added.

"She's been locked in her room all morning. I know she's awake, but she won't answer me," Sean said. "I could hear her talking to someone earlier, but I don't know who."

"We need to get in there," I said. "Do you have a key or something?"

"No but I can pick the lock," Sean said. He did just that and we burst into Ellie's room to find her lying on the floor in a t-shirt and underwear.

"My shirt," Jay commented. He went over to her and knelt down. "Ellie, we want to talk to you." But she didn't say anything. She didn't even acknowledge his presence. Instead, she stared straight up at the ceiling. She was sweating. I walked over and put my hand to her forehead. She was burning up. I looked into her eyes and noticed that her pupils were dilated.

"Something's wrong," I said. I looked up at Sean and he already had Ellie's phone in his hand. He called 911 and started panicking. He was babbling into the phone. I took it from him and explained to the dispatcher what I believed had happened. I told him we needed an ambulance, and gave the address. When I hung up the phone, I realized Ellie was speaking.

"I need more," she said. But she wasn't talking to any of us. She was still staring straight ahead. "What do you mean you don't have any? You have to have some; you always do!" she screamed.

"What's wrong with her?" Jay asked. There was genuine fear in his eyes.

"She's having auditory hallucinations. She thinks she's talking to Ryder," I said quietly. All of a sudden, Ellie closed her eyes. Then she started seizing. She had no control over her body as she thrashed around on the floor. I cleared the area around her so she wouldn't hurt herself. Jay and Sean stared at her. I could see tears in Jay's eyes.

What you found sure upset you,
Never saw it coming did you?
It's easy to be surprised
With both your eyes sewn closed.

Handled with great precision,
Another faultless execution,
You're the subject of this exhibition,
A willing cadaver, a willing cadaver.

Scalpled, sutured, made whole again.

These cuts are leaving creases.
Trace the scars, to fit the pieces,
To tell your story, you don't have to say a word.

So call off the cavalry,
You can't save a wretch like me.
Clean with this kerosene,
If you can't leave it be, might as well make it bleed.

Scalpled, sutured, made whole again.

Your wires are frayed, can't fire right,
You look better when out of sight,
You were not made to stand and fight,
There's something better wrong with you.

Your pulse is anemic, you're tired of the fire,
You're bruising too easy, and falling behind,
And no one is waiting for you,
And no one is waiting for you.

So call of the quarantine,
You can't save the rest from me.
Clean this with kerosene,
If you can't leave it be, might as well make it bleed.

Scalpled, sutured, made whole again.

Your wires are frayed, can't fire right,
You look better when out of sight,
You were not made to stand and fight,
And there's something better wrong with you.

And no one is waiting for you.
And no one is waiting for you.

A/N: The song is "If You Can't Leave It Be, Might As Well Make It Bleed," by Dashboard Confessional. They own it. This is now the longest fan fiction chapter I've ever written.