Chapter Twenty-Three: The Sharp Hint Of New Tears

Ellie

After three days in the hospital with people poking, prodding, and 'carefully observing' me, I was finally able to go home. Jay and Marco visited me every day, but I guess Sean and Emma thought I needed space. Although it's great to finally be out of here, I feel horrible. Withdrawal is not a fun thing. And I want it to stop.

First it was only headaches, but then I started throwing up. I can't stand it. My stomach and head are constantly hurting. Yesterday I actually thought I was pregnant again. Thankfully, that wasn't the case. Now Jay has just shown up to bring me home.

He didn't say a word to me when he came in the room. I know he wants to hear everything, and I've already told him that I would tell him when I got out. I'm not really ready right now, but I guess I have to be. I have to help Jay understand. I don't want him blaming himself for anything. And I love him.

Driving in silence, we made it back to the apartment in about ten minutes. There wasn't even any music playing. Jay knows I hate his music. I noticed that Sean wasn't home, and that was probably a good thing. Of course, Jay probably arranged it so that he wasn't there when we had our little 'talk.'

We sat down on the couch in the living room and stared at each other for a few minutes. When I didn't offer any information, Jay finally spoke up.

"Okay, out with it. I want you to explain everything," he said. I took a deep breath and sighed. Here it goes:

Jay

Was that a sigh of annoyance? Or was it a sigh of 'I'm finally going to be able to get this off my chest?' I couldn't tell. Ellie is not acting like herself and I don't like it at all. I know she's hurting but I don't know why she would do anything like this. She knows she has me to talk to. And now that's finally going to happen.

"Jay, before I tell you anything, you know I love you right?" she asked me. Oh great. It was one of these talks.

"Yes I know that Ellie. I love you too," I said. There, I told her again. It felt good to let it out, but I also felt out in the open after letting my guard down like that.

"And I would never do anything to purposely hurt you," she said, looking into my eyes.

"I know." And then she just went right into her explanation.

"I felt like my life was falling apart for the first time when my brother was killed in front of me. I blamed myself, and my parents started getting distant, both from me and from each other. We moved here and my dad went into the army. My mother started drinking and I had to take care of her. That was a lot of responsibility put on my plate, especially since I was still depressed about Matthias.

So I started to cut myself. At first, it made me feel better. Like you said, the physical pain outweighed the emotional pain that I felt. Then the cutting became more of an addiction. I couldn't stop because it felt so good. I thought it was the answer to all of my problems.

Then I met Marco and he became my best friend. I was in love with him for the longest time, and we finally got together. I got pregnant and then found out he was gay. I still found a way to get through it all. Marco promised he would be there for me and our baby no matter what. So the night I was prepared to tell my mother about my baby, I came home and found my house up in flames. And my mom was dead.

I had nowhere to go, and I couldn't live at Marco's house. We didn't tell his parents that I was pregnant, and even if we had, I still wouldn't have been welcome. They just didn't have the room for me. So I met Sean. And I moved in with him.

A few days after I moved in with him, my dad told me over the phone that she killed herself. That was a major blow to me. I felt like I had somehow failed her, that I wasn't the best daughter I could have been. I blamed myself for her death too.

I finally opened up to someone about Matthias, and that someone was Sean. I felt like I could trust him, and I also felt like maybe I was falling for him. But I didn't want that to happen, I mean, look at what happened with Marco. I couldn't lose another guy like that. Regardless of those thoughts, Sean and I kissed, and we also fell asleep together. Nothing happened though. I was still pregnant.

Six months later, we had a party to celebrate my moving in. It was not my kind of party really. Everyone was drunk around me and I just sat there on the couch. Then something really unexpected happened: my dad showed up.

To get away from my dad, Sean and I found some privacy in his bedroom. I kissed him this time, and I felt great. Then I got up to go to the bathroom. And what I found there probably scarred me for life. You were there, remember?

Anyway, I went into the bathroom and the shower was on. I saw clothes all over the floor and I looked past the shower curtain to find my father and Paige having sex. I was completely disgusted. That night, I fell asleep with Sean again. And I finally felt safe with him.

The next day, some police officers showed up at the apartment. They told me that they found evidence of my father's guilt. I was confused, and they explained that he murdered my mother. It wasn't suicide. It wasn't my fault. But I still somehow blamed myself.

I visited him in prison a few days later. I met his girlfriend, Riley. He was cheating on my mother with her the entire time. He was never even in the army. It was all a cover up. Riley is only twenty-years old. And she has a one and a half year old son named Kieran. He is my father's child. My half-brother.

Soon after that, I found out that Marco had a boyfriend. Even though I had Sean, I found that I couldn't let Marco go. I was still in love with him, and I was hurt that he didn't tell me about Dylan sooner. To get revenge, I took his car for a joy ride. Sean was there. And we got into an accident.

I woke up in the hospital to find that my baby had died. And this time it was my fault. I also found out that I had to give birth to him. That was the worst day of my entire life. I got a little crazy and I made Sean take a picture of him.

I almost started cutting again after that. But Sean stopped me. So I showed him the memorial that Marco and I made. It was for our baby. You've seen it. I named him Zane Matthias. Zane was after my favorite character in a book and Matthias after my brother.

I don't remember what day this happened, but Marco and I were supposed to hang out. He called me up saying he couldn't make it because he was too upset that Dylan broke up with him. I felt like he thought his problems were bigger than mine. That Dylan was more important than our dead child. So I opened all my cuts up and landed in the hospital.

This was around the time that Sean convinced you to play babysitter. We got drunk and I got Zane's name tattooed on my shoulder. I don't regret that at all. It makes me feel closer to him. And I was starting to like you. But I couldn't help feeling sorry for Sean, who I thought was working to pay for our rent.

Since Zane died, I tried alcohol to solve my problems. All that gave me were hangovers. And I didn't want to end up like my mother. So I stopped that. I smoked pot with you and I thought that was the answer, but still, it wasn't.

Then I found out that Sean had sex with Emma. I found out from you that he'd been less than faithful to me. Although it really angered me, I realized that I wanted to be with you. That I loved Sean, but wasn't in love with him. I went to that party with you, and found my new release.

Ryder approached me and brought me to the bathroom. He told me that cocaine would help me. And it did. It helped me forget about Zane, the one true person that I needed to help me stay sane. Ryder gave me a bag for free and I became hooked. I told you that I loved you that night, but since I was high, you didn't believe me I guess. We went home and confronted Sean, and then our relationship was finally over.

I ended up calling Marco after you left the next day. We decided to hang out and his mom let me stay for dinner. I told Marco that I was in love with you. And he started putting you down, saying that I could do better. I got really mad at him and after dinner I left. And then we went to another party.

We danced and were having a good time, but I craved the cocaine. I went off in search of Ryder and found him in a bedroom. I told him I wanted more, and he said I'd have to pay him this time. When I confessed that I didn't have any money, he said that there was only one other thing he'd take instead. I was so desperate for a fix that I had sex with him. It was only for the drugs; nothing more. I never felt anything and I knew I wanted to be with you. But this was the only way for me to get what I needed.

Then we had our fight. You found out that I was high and I was dying to explain. But you left, so I couldn't. I wanted you to know that I didn't need to be high to be with you. I needed it to forget about the death of my son and about everything bad that's happened in my life. I loved you, and I wanted you to know that.

After talking with Sean, I felt better. He told me to call you, but I was going to give you time to cool off. I figured that I'd wait until morning. I was getting ready for bed when I found a phone number in my pocket. After calling it, I realized it was Ryder's number. And I wanted more drugs. I was already out, so I figured I could get more.

I went to his house and had sex with him again. I was angry with you for walking out, and I broke my no kissing rule. He loved that, but I didn't. That's when Marco burst in. Ryder was his cousin. A Del Rossi gone bad. I received two bags from him that night. And when Marco tried to talk with me, I got mad. I left his car and went home.

I remember going into my bedroom and seeing Zane's picture. I broke down for the first time. I cried forever for him, and then realized that I knew how to make it better. I woke up in an ambulance, then again in the hospital. And you know the story from there."

Ellie

When I finally finished my story, Jay was just staring at me. Some of those things he knew, but some he didn't. He hadn't known that I had sex with Ryder; only that he was my dealer. I noticed a few tears falling from his eyes.

"You degraded yourself so much by having sex with a random guy for drugs," he said. "That's not like you."

"I know it's not. But I needed a way to forget about Zane. I guess now I've realized that it wasn't the answer. And I'm sorry," I cried.

"Ellie, you need help. You're addicted to this drug and I'm afraid that you'll do something even more stupid than this. You could have died!" he said, his tears flowing faster. I hated to see him cry because of me.

"I'm not addicted Jay. I promise you that. I'm going to stop, I really am. That was it for me. It really opened my eyes." Was I sure? Not really. But I had to get him to believe me.

A/N: To Natalie, thanks for your awesome review! It made me so happy! Yay! Okay, so basically, you could have skipped every other chapter of the story except for this one and you'd be able to understand what was going on. I just wanted Ellie to be able to say everything out loud…sometimes it helps.