Chapter Twenty-Four: My Life Inside Your Heart

Ellie

I think he believes me. That's the most important thing to me right now. I love Jay and I don't want to lie to him, but I don't know if I can do this. I have to at least try for him I guess.

"I'm really tired, I'm gonna try to fall asleep." It had been a few hours since our talk. Jay and I had just laid there on my bed in silence. It felt good to be next to him, but my head was still pounding. Maybe I could sleep it off. "You don't have to stay."

"Ellie, I'm still worried about you. I'm gonna stay over tonight. I'll give you some space though. I'll be in the living room if you need me," he said. He kissed me lightly and left to watch television with Sean.

I rolled over on the bed and closed my eyes. I lay there for over an hour, and sleep just wouldn't come. My head hurt so badly. I needed more cocaine. I had to have it. The need for it had taken me over. I felt like I was going to be sick without it. I quietly crept over to my door and locked it. Now they couldn't stop me.

Pulling my cell phone out, I called Ryder's house. It rang seven times before I hung up. I called again. No answer. Where is he? Maybe he's asleep and doesn't hear the phone ringing. I could just go over there. Yeah, that's it. Luckily for me, our apartment is on the first floor. I walked over to my window and opened it. I tossed phone on my bed before climbing out the window into darkness.

Making sure to go underneath the windows, I crept past the building and made my way to Ryder's house. It wasn't far. I could see it coming closer and I almost felt as if my headache was slowly going away.

I knocked on the door and there was no answer. I tried the doorknob, and it was unlocked. I stepped into the living room. It was dark, but I could see him lying on the couch with his back to me. I walked towards him, prepared to wake him up. I needed this.

Jay

After two hours of watching TV with Sean, I decided I better go check on Ellie. I completely trust her, but I have to make sure. I'll rest easier if I know she's sleeping. Hopefully she won't get mad at me if she's there. Why am I thinking if? Of course she'll be there. Won't she?

"Be right back," I told Sean. He nodded and I walked down the hall to her room. I tried the handle but the door was locked. "Ellie?" I called out. I knocked on the door a few times. "Ellie?" I repeated. "Sean!" I called him from the living room. He walked down the hall.

"What is it?" he asked.

"The door's locked." I was starting to get worried. "Can you pick it again? I need to make sure she's okay."

"Sure man." Sean got some tools from a drawer in the kitchen and unlocked the door. I pushed it open and stared at the empty bed. Then my gaze trailed to the open window. And I lost it.

"FUCK!" I yelled. "I fucking trusted her and she went to see him!" I punched the wall and immediately wished I hadn't. Shaking the pain from my hand, I was about to yell again.

"Jay, calm down," Sean told me. "It's not her fault. The drugs have taken over her body. She's not herself right now." He was right.

"We have to find her before she does something stupid," I said. Blood was dripping off my knuckles but I didn't care.

"Do you know where this Ryder person lives?" Sean asked me.

"Yeah, Marco told me. Let's go." We ran from the apartment and jumped in my car. I left for Ryder's house, driving as fast as I could. She can't do this to me. She can't do this to herself.

Fighting back the impulse
Turn my head and close my eyes
Spending these nights awake and cold and paralyzed
Wonder how we got this far and
Never realized the common thread that binds our lives
And I know you hurt
But I can help you if you can

Take my hand
And we'll live inside the dreams we left behind
Take my hand
As we move from this place to a better life
Take my hand

Fighting back the feeling that you always could deny
Anything but everything we know is just a lie
As I cremate this memory and watch the darkened ashes rise
And beneath the smoke
I'll stand and ask if you can

Take my hand
And I'll promise not to ever let it go
Take my hand
'Cause this hope is greater than you'll ever know
Take my hand
And this is all I'll ever ask of you to show

Fight back the urges
Turn my head and close my eyes
And will I wake tomorrow still alive

I'm still dreaming
I'm still waiting
I'm still sure
I'm still sure
You're still living in a life
That isn't yours
That isn't yours

And this is part of me
I hope you never see
This is my life inside your heart

Take my hand
And I'll promise not to ever let it go
Take my hand
'Cause this hope is greater than you'll ever know
Take my hand
And this is all I'll ever ask of you to show

Ellie

I reached out and touched Ryder's back. He twitched a little, but other than that, didn't move. Then I shook him harder. I needed it. Now. I shoved him one more time and he slowly rolled over. But it wasn't Ryder. No, this can't be happening.

"Marco? What are you doing here?" Where's Ryder. No, he has to be here. Not Marco. I need it.

"I was waiting for you," Marco told me. Maybe this was a hallucination. They told me I had one before. That I was talking to Ryder. But it can't be. It's too real. "I hoped you wouldn't come." His voice broke my thoughts.

"Why Marco? Why are you here?" I started to cry. I didn't understand. "You can't be here, I need Ryder. I need what he can give me." I let myself fall into Marco's arms and cried.

"You don't need him Ellie. You have to understand that. He doesn't do any good for you. He's hurting you. He's breaking you apart. You're not the Ellie that I love. You're not you anymore," he whispered. I couldn't say anything. My head was pounding again and I couldn't stop crying.

"Don't do this to me…" I trailed off.

"I'm not doing anything to you Ellie. You're doing this to yourself," was all he told me.

"Just tell me where he is," I said, sitting up.

"He's gone Ellie." I was officially living in a nightmare. My source of power was gone. The only thing that could help me now was gone. "He was arrested two days ago for possession. They caught him like they could have caught you. He's better off you know. They forced him to go into rehab instead of prison. He's going to get better."

"How could he just leave me with nothing?" I cried.

"It's better this way." Marco pulled me towards him and stroked my hair. "I want to see the real you again. You can live without all of this." I cried into his shoulder. It was all I could do. I was too weak to do anything else. My head was screaming for drugs, but they weren't there. It was all gone. My life was gone.

Jay

I burst into Ryder's house with Sean close behind. There she was in his arms. Marco looked up at me. Marco? I thought it was Ryder. Thank god it's Marco. Ellie is safe. We walked up to them and Marco made a gesture for us to be quiet. Ellie was fast asleep in his arms. I sat down next to Marco and took her from him. I cradled her in my arms as if she were an infant. I held her close to me. I had her back.

She felt so tiny and light in my arms. That's when I realized that she hadn't been eating. She was already so small to begin with, and now I could feel her ribs. I had forgotten that cocaine makes you lose your appetite.

As we sat there, Marco told Sean and me about Ryder. He knew that Ellie would try to come, so he waited for her. He had faith in her and hoped she wouldn't show up, but she did.

"We have to take her," I said. "We can't help her alone."

"I think we should leave now," Marco said. "While she's sleeping."

"Let's go home and pack some stuff for her first," Sean said. I carried Ellie to the car and laid her across the backseat. Marco sat with her, propping her head up in his lap. Sean sat in the front with me. I drove us back to their apartment and none of us spoke the entire way.

Sean and I packed clothes in one of Ellie's suitcases while Marco stayed with her in the car. We all hoped she wouldn't wake up until we got there. Climbing back into the car, we headed for Montreal.

A/N: The song is "My Life Inside Your Heart" by Rise Against. They own it. I put it in here for Jay. It's his song to Ellie. It shows that he wants to help her and she's really hurting him by the way she is acting. Anybody have any guesses as to where they're going? Natalie: I'm glad you still like it! I guess you are my number 1 fan! Sadly, this story is almost over, but I have a new one coming. I also have my Manny trilogy…see if you like it (though I like this story better than those ones). Also, I might have a sequel to this one, but I'm not sure yet. If I do, it won't be until later.