Chapter Twenty-Five: Living In Your Letters

Ellie

I woke up in a strange room. How did I get here? There was a bed and a dresser in it but nothing else. Everything was yellow. Yellow? Who picked yellow to paint the walls? The bed had two yellow blankets on it with white sheets and a white pillow. I guess it was supposed to make people happy or something. Like the color of the sun. I don't know. Wait, how did I get here? I remember going to Ryder's house. My head was still pounding. I suddenly felt the urge to throw up. I got up off the bed and walked over to the doorway on the opposite wall. Good, a bathroom.

I lifted the toilet seat and puked. There wasn't anything in my stomach at all. I guess I haven't eaten in a few days. Bile filled the toilet. I flushed it and looked around. The entire bathroom was white. Everything. It gave off this overwhelming sense of cleanliness. There was just a toilet, a sink, and a shower stall.

Walking back into the room, I sat down on the bed. I fell asleep in Marco's arms and that's the last thing I remember. Ryder is gone. Arrested. I have no more drugs. This can't be good. I feel like I'm gonna throw up again. Every time I think of Ryder, I want to be sick. Maybe it's because I feel ashamed by what I was doing with him. No, I definitely think it's because my drug source is now gone. Yeah, that's it. So where did Marco take me? Am I in some strange place at his house that I've never seen before? Or am I still at Ryder's? This is so confusing.

After staring at the room for a few more minutes, I got up and went to the only other door in the room. It was the way out. Only the door wouldn't open. What am I locked in or something? This is crazy. I started banging on the door but no one came. So I did the only thing I could. I sat back on the bed and I cried. Why would Marco leave me here? Why? I just need cocaine. I have to have it. It's the only thing that keeps me happy. Why would Marco want me to suffer like this? I thought he loved me.

You don't need him Ellie. You have to understand that. He doesn't do any good for you. He's hurting you. He's breaking you apart. You're not the Ellie that I love. You're not you anymore.

I suddenly remembered Marco saying that to me. I'm not the Ellie that he loves. Why can't he love me? Why can't anyone love me?

Jay loves you.

Jay doesn't love me. He didn't tell me he loved me.

Yes he did. Twice.

I don't remember him telling me that.

You were in the hospital. Then he said it again after you came home. Don't you get it?

No, I don't get it. What is there to get? Jay must have helped Marco bring me here. I think Sean was there too. I could hear them talking. But I was so tired. They all hate me. They don't want to see me ever again.

They all love you.

No they don't. I made Jay cry. I told Sean I wasn't in love with him. I never forgave Marco for being gay. So now they hate me.

You're such an idiot. Go read the letter.

What letter?

The letter on the dresser. You saw it when you went past it to throw up. You're ignoring it. You're afraid to read it.

No I'm not afraid! I'll go read it now.

Good.

I've never experienced something like that before. It was like a little angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. My mind just fought with itself. And that scares me. I wasn't hearing voices or anything. Part of me knows that people love me. The other part of me is scared to love anyone. Every time I love someone, something bad happens to them. And it's usually my fault.

I walked over to the dresser, and sure enough, there was an envelope on the top of it. Ellie was written on it in Jay's handwriting. I grabbed it and sat back down on the bed, crossing my legs. Ripping open the envelope, a bunch of stuff fell out. I picked up the first piece of paper and read it.

Dear Ellie,

I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, and that scares me. I've always been afraid to love someone. You were the first person to see my true side, to see that I wasn't the bad ass I pretended to be. You've seen me cry too.

I don't want you to think that I'm a horrible person by bringing you here. I watched you suffer, go to the hospital and almost die, and then go back to Ryder's house for more. You're addicted Ellie, and I don't want you hurting yourself anymore. When you're starving for cocaine, you're not the person that I fell in love with. I watched my princess be harshly thrown into the form of a frog. That's what the drugs did to you. And no matter how much I kissed you, you weren't turning back into a princess.

Marco, Sean, and I wanted to help you. But we all decided that you needed more help than we could give. We all love you so much. And we want you back. But you have to stay there. If you don't, I'm afraid that you'll never be the same again.

Please don't hate me Ellie. I love you too much to lose you. If you died, I would die along with you. I can't stand seeing you like this. It makes me feel like I've failed you. I want you to succeed like I know you can. Don't let this kill you. Let it make you stronger. I love you.

Love,
Jay

By the time I was done reading Jay's letter, most of the ink was smudged from my tears. He really does love me. I knew it all along, but I wasn't letting him love me. I can't hurt him like this. I have to stay here. I don't even know where I am, but I have a pretty good idea now. The next letter was from Marco.

Ellie

Let me start this off by telling you that I love you. Even though it isn't the love that you need; it's still here. I feel like my heart will burst right open. That's how much I love you. I love you to the moon and back.

I guess I'll tell you where you are. Jay couldn't bring himself to write it in his letter and I can see why. He loves you as much as I do, and he has the love you need.

You're at the Freeman Institution for Alcohol and Drug Addictions. It's a year long rehabilitation facility. It's in Montreal. We drove you there while you were sleeping. Now I hope you don't hate us. We just knew that you wouldn't go on your own. You didn't believe that you had an addiction. I know it's hard, but you can get through it. I miss my Ell Bell. Remember I used to call you that?

Don't worry, you won't be missing school. Even though you won't be at Degrassi, you can get through your entire grade eleven at the institution. They offer schooling for anyone under eighteen. You also have to go through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's the only current treatment for your addiction. They can't give you medicine for it. There aren't any medicines that have been approved yet. So you'll be throwing up a lot and you'll still have the headaches. But I know you're strong enough to do it.

I have to say again that I hope you don't hate me. I thought you were going to die. I know Jay has already said he'd die if you died, and I think I would too. I can't live without you Ellie. You're my best friend. You have to get better so I can see you again. But most importantly, get better for yourself.

Love,
Marco

Marco's letter made me cry all over again. I knew he loved me too; I was just hurt because he left me for someone else. Especially the someone who's sister had sex with my dad. That just made me so angry. I've missed seeing Marco. I have to get out of here as fast as I can. Wait, Ryder's in rehab! Maybe he's here! Maybe he can help me! What am I thinking? I have to read Sean's letter.

Ellie

You're probably reading my letter last, so this will most likely be stuff you've already heard from Jay and Marco. I love you. You are my best friend. For the longest time, you were the only friend I had. I wouldn't have traded our relationship for the world. What we had was great; I just messed it up in the end. I'm so sorry that I ever hurt you and I hope you'll forgive me.

You're not allowed to have visitors until two months have passed or something like that. But I want you to know that as soon as we can come, all three of us will be there. I guess I have to say that I've rekindled my friendship with Jay, and I'm friends with Marco now. We got together because of our love for you. We all want to help you. Let me tell you that I'd rather have no friends than have you hurt like this. You can live without drugs. You need to know that.

Please forgive me; forgive all of us. We had to help you and this was the only way. You're lost right now, that's all. We're trying to find you. The real you. Don't worry, we're not going to tell anyone at Degrassi where you are. Marco's not even telling his parents. We know you'd want that. We've decided to tell everyone that you're going to live with your aunt for a little while, even the teachers. And you'll be back with us again. You'll be able to graduate with us.

I love you Ellie. Please get better. I can't lose you.

Love,
Sean

I needed to hear that. I needed to hear all of that. And now I know I have to stay. I have to get better. Because if I don't, I know they'll hate me for sure. I can't lose anymore people that I love. I won't let that happen.

I realized that aside from the letters, there was a stack of photographs. I picked it up and started looking through them. The first one was the only picture I have of Jay and I. We're sitting together in my room. I think maybe we were drunk, because I don't even remember it. The next one is me and Marco. It was taken a few days after I met him. Then a picture of me and Sean. It was a picture Marco took on one of our unofficial dates. There was a picture of me, Sean, Emma, and Jay at my party. Then another one of Emma and I. They guys threw in a bunch of candids of themselves, plus one of Craig that I took a long time ago. There was also a photo of my mother that had been hanging on my wall. And the one of my perfect family. Me, Matthias, and our parents. I was five in the picture. The last picture was the one I had been waiting for. It was Zane.

Tears slid down my cheeks as I remembered all the people I'd left behind. Even people who were gone now. But they were still in my heart. All of them were. And I have to get better for them. No matter what it takes, I'll get better. And I actually believe myself this time.