Chapter Twenty-Seven: Breaking The Habit
A/N: Okay guys, I have a problem here. There are only a few chapters left of this story…I'll be sad to finish it but relieved it's over…but the problem is that I am running out of ideas…I know how I'm ending the story and what chapter I'm ending it at, but I'm not sure of what to put in between it all. So I'm sorry if the next few chapters suck, let me know and tell me if there's any way I could change them to make the story better. Soupy- have you written any fanfics? Just wondering, 'cause if you have, I'd like to read them.
Ellie
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
I want to stop this now. I really do. I want to be myself again. I want to be the person that Jay, Marco, and Sean all love. But I don't want to do it here. I feel trapped in this room. Maybe I can convince Marco's mom to let me out of here. If I tell her they treat me horribly and starve me, she'd let me leave. But I can't lie to her like that. For the most part, the people are nice. I just can't stand it. I still haven't talked in group therapy. Or any therapy for that matter. It's been two weeks. School starts tomorrow, but they might move me because I'm not cooperating.
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
But maybe I should stay here. I don't think Mrs. Del Rossi will let me out anyway. And I have friends here, why would I want to get moved to another place and lose them? Rayne and Xavier are great. It's just… Wait, it's just what? I don't even know anymore. All I know is that I can't stand being myself. I hate me right now. Everyone else should hate me too.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
But they don't hate me. None of them do. They all love me; at least, they say they do. And I believe them. Don't I? I really don't know. My head hurts so much lately. It's been so long since I've had any cocaine that I feel like I'll explode. And it'll only get worse before it gets better. What if it never gets better? What would I do then?
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I have no options left again
I have to get better. As long as I don't use the drugs anymore. Right? Why do I have to ask myself all these questions? It shouldn't be like this. I'm not a good enough person. I don't deserve anyone's love. That's why Zane was taken from me. I didn't even deserve him. Why did I have to think about Zane? I grabbed his picture off of the dresser and stared at it, starting to cry.
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
But if he were still alive, he'd want me to get better. He would need a mother to care for him. Then again, if he were here, I don't think I'd be like this. His death pushed me over the edge. And I'm still falling. I want to stop falling, I really do. But before I pick myself up, I have to slam into the ground. And it's gonna hurt.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Even though it'll hurt; I think it will be the best feeling in the world. Being able to stand up and walk away. Walk away as if it never happened. As if it was all a dream. I know it's not a dream, but I can put this all behind me. I want to be able to see the people I love; to be with them. They can't blame themselves for what I've done. It's my fault. They have to see that. I have to make them see.
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
This is how it ends. Right here, right now. I won't even think another impure thought again. Well, one about drugs anyway. Those stupid little movies we watch here are true. Drugs are not the answer, they say. Say no to drugs. I'm saying no right now. It might be too late, but I hope not. I'm ending this. Breaking the habit. I have to.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Jay
"Do you think she's okay?" I asked Marco and Sean. Ever since we dropped Ellie off, we'd been hanging out together. Mainly we shared stories about her and tried not to cry. Yeah, it sounds lame, three guys crying over the same girl. But we all love her in our own ways. And we want her to get better.
"I bet she's sitting in her room and thinking about us," Marco said.
"She's gonna be okay. I know she is," Sean added.
"It's just that she hasn't written or anything," I said. "I'm still worried about her."
"She'll come around. We have to give her some time to adjust. She's probably busy with therapy and everything," Marco said.
"And school starts for her tomorrow. Same as us," Sean said. "She probably has a lot of work to do."
"Yeah, I guess you guys are right," I said. "Well, I guess I'm gonna go to sleep now. See ya in the morning."
"Night," Marco said.
"Sweet dreams," Sean said, making all of us laugh. It felt good to laugh.
Not only had we been hanging out together since that day, but we'd all been living at Sean and Ellie's apartment. It just felt right. I had no special place to go home to anyway. Over these past few weeks, we've been like brothers. I never thought I'd be friends with Marco at all, but he really is a great guy. He's been sleeping on an air mattress in Sean's room. I'm actually surprised that his mom's letting him stay here. She's pretty cool. She's also letting Ellie live with them when she gets out next year.
I walked down the hall into Ellie's room. Sitting on the bed, I looked at all of her photos on the wall. There were bare spots left from the pictures we sent to her. It felt so strange to have her gone. But I knew she'd be coming back. And I couldn't wait until two months were up so I could visit her.
I pulled my shirt and pants off, getting under the covers in my boxers. I'd been sleeping in her bed ever since she left. I know it sounds corny, but it made me feel closer to her.
Ellie
I wonder what Jay is doing right now? I hope he's okay. I really miss him. Even though I miss Marco and Sean too, I feel like I can't live without Jay. Not for one second. I think he'd be proud of me right now. And even though I've made up my mind about what I'm going to do, I know he'd have some advice to give me. I love the way he'll just sit and listen to everything I say. And he never judged me. Not once.
This year is going to be really hard for me. I can't wait until two months are up and everyone comes to visit me. I feel like I'd die if no one came. But I know they will. They just have to. Don't they?
A/N: Okay, I'm sorry this chapter is so short; I just had to write another one…it's also 1:45 in the morning so I'm tired. Hope it wasn't too crappy, and at least more interesting than the last one. I just wanted this chapter to be the turning point of Ellie's addiction. She really wants to get better now and won't be second guessing herself as much. If you don't know already, the song is "Breaking The Habit" byLinkin Park and theyown it.