Chapter Twenty-Eight: Alive And Well

Now's the time
To rearrange your life
Live for something
Outside of your own mind
We all dream
The same dream every night

Ellie

Today I finally learned what cognitive behavioral therapy is. Apparently it's going to help me get over my addiction completely. It's a mixture of cognitive therapy and behavioral therapy. Well, duh. Even I knew that. But anyway, the cognitive part focuses on thoughts, assumptions, and beliefs. It's supposed to help me learn to recognize and change faulty or maladaptive thinking patterns. Cognitive therapy is not about "positive thinking" in the sense that you must always think happy thoughts. It's a way to gain control over racing, repetitive thoughts which often feed or trigger anxiety. Then there's the behavioral part. It's just supposed to help me learn how to control my behavior through desensitization, relaxation and breathing exercises. Enough with that boring shit.

I feel depressed all the time, like I'm never going to get better. And now I'm having really vivid and unpleasant dreams every night. I feel really restless and now I'm hungry all the time. Even though I'm so hungry, I can't really ever eat much. I haven't eaten in so long that it makes me sick. I was never hungry on the cocaine, and now I am. Maria told me it's all part of withdrawal. She also told me that over time, my symptoms will completely stop. I can't wait for that to happen. Because aside from feeling hungry for food, I'm still hungry for the drug. But I can't go back to it. It's not going to help me.

Right now I'm sitting at my Monday night group therapy session. It's the first one that I've had following a school day. The school here is pretty much the same as at Degrassi: boring and useless. We don't even have to get good grades here because we're supposed to focus on our addictions. Basically everyone passes if they get better. That's the only part I like.

So anyway, our session has just started and everyone's sitting here staring at each other. Rebecca walked into the room and sat down, smiling at all of us. She looked at me the longest before talking.

"Does anyone have any comments to start off the session?" she asked. Everyone looked around at each other. No one had anything to say. Nothing important. Not many people wanted to talk at all. I don't know what came over me, but I just started talking.

"My name is Ellie. I like to film things with my video camera, and I'm here because I'm addicted to cocaine." Now everyone's eyes were on me, including Rebecca's. I was about two weeks late with that response, but she was smiling. I thought her mouth would fall off her face. That's how much she was smiling. I looked around and realized that everyone was smiling. I was the only one who hadn't opened up at all. The only one who hadn't spoken. And apparently they liked hearing from me.

"Well Ellie, that's fantastic," Rebecca said. Fantastic? Right. Sure. Whatever. Then everyone clapped for me. That made me really uncomfortable, but when they saw this, they all stopped. Rebecca led the discussion off from there, and we talked about how we all thought we started doing drugs or drinking in the first place. I actually said more that night too. It was the turning point for me I guess. Well, the second turning point. The first part was admitting to myself that I was addicted. And then I decided to get better.

I walked back to my room that night feeling accomplished. I was one step closer to quitting this completely. And more importantly, I was one step closer to Jay. I really missed him.

I didn't feel like getting up this morning. My second day of school and I'm already skipping. Yeah, I said skipping. I didn't go at all. I sat in my room and stared at my pictures. No one ever came to get me to force me to go to class. And I was thankful for that. I was just too depressed to go. My depression was a strange thing. After class was over, Rayne came to my room.

"You wanna come hang out with me and Xave (her nickname for him) in his room?" she asked me. I shook my head and turned away from her. Then she came and sat down next to me on my bed. "What's wrong?" she asked. "We missed you in class today."

"I didn't feel like going," I grumbled.

"Well, why don't you come and hang out with us? We'll have so much fun," she said, almost pleadingly. I looked up at her and she was giving me puppy dog eyes. "Pretty please? We can pretend we're sitting around a campfire, and roast marshmallows, and share ghost stories!" she said in her sarcastic way. I laughed. I just had to.

"Fine, you've convinced me," I said. I followed her over to Xavier's room and we did exactly that. Yeah, we're dorks, but in a way, it was really comforting. I guess it's just good to have people you can relate to when you're in this kind of situation.

I stayed with them until it was time for my one on one therapy session. It was my first one. I walked to the room I was assigned and knocked on the door.

"Come in!" A man's voice shouted from the other side. Expecting to see one of those couches that I'm supposed to lie on with a chair next to it, I opened the door. There were two couches, three chairs, and a desk with my therapist sitting behind it. "You must be Eleanor," he said, smiling at me. He was pretty young, maybe in his late twenties, with brown hair and blue eyes. I had to admit, he was kinda cute.

"Call me Ellie," I told him. "You must be Dr. Hill."

"You can call me Ethan," he said. "Please, sit down anywhere you like."

"Anywhere?" I asked.

"As long as you're comfortable, I don't mind," he told me. I knew right away that I was going to like him. I walked over near the window and sat down, right on the floor. I crossed my legs under me and looked over at him. He smiled, stood up, walked over, and sat down right across from me in the same fashion.

"So, what are we supposed to talk about here?" I asked him. "Are you just going to try and get my deep dark secrets out, then tell me stuff I already know about myself?"

"Not exactly. We can talk about whatever you want. Pick any topic. You can even ask me questions if you want," Ethan said. It's really weird to call him that.

"Well then, are you married?" I asked him. It was the first thing that came to mind. I couldn't help myself.

"Yes, actually, I am." He showed me the ring on his finger. "I've been with my wife for ten years now, but we've only been married for three," he said.

"Just how old are you?" That was my next question. Instead of getting embarrassed, he laughed.

"I'm twenty-five," he answered.

"So, do you have any kids?" I asked him. His face fell a little. Uh oh. Then he perked up a little before answering.

"Well, I had a son, Nathan. Last year, he ran out in the street after his ball. His babysitter was supposed to be watching him. He was hit by a car and didn't make it. He was only one year old." The entire time Ethan told the story, he never cried once. But I was in tears before he even finished. "I'm sorry if I upset you," he said.

"No, I shouldn't have asked the question," I said, still crying.

"Ellie, I told you that you can ask anything you like. If I don't want to answer, then I won't." I wiped a few of my tears away.

"You know, I had a son too," I said. "I was pregnant and I got into a car accident. He died and I had to give birth to him. All I could think was that maybe he'd wake up, maybe there'd be a miracle. But it never happened. And it's all my fault," I said, tears coming faster.

"That must have been really hard for you," Ethan said. He handed me some tissues. "I want you to know that it wasn't your fault. You can't blame yourself," he said. All I could do was cry. I couldn't even talk anymore. And Ethan sat there, watching me cry. He knew I didn't want to talk. He periodically handed me more tissues. Before I knew it, our two hours was up. Ethan walked me back to my room.

Part of me felt stupid for taking up his time like that. I wasted an entire session. Or so I thought. I later learned that the sessions were for exactly that. Ethan was happy to get any type of reaction out of me. He said it meant I was getting better.

The other part of me felt relieved. It was the first time that I really opened up to someone and told them about Zane. Well, meaning people who didn't already know of my situation. I was already looking forward to my next session, which wasn't until Thursday. To pass the time I decided to write letters to Jay, Marco, and Sean.

Marco

"Guys! Come quick!" I yelled. Sean and Jay came running into the living room.

"What?" Jay asked.

"What is it?" Sean asked.

"Why don't you let me tell you instead of getting all impatient?" I told them. They immediately shut up and listened. "This came in the mail today. We each got a letter from Ellie," I said, holding the envelope up. It had been a month since she left. I opened the envelope up and distributed the letters.

Jay ran off to Ellie's room, closed the door, and read his. Sean did the same, going into his room and closing the door. I felt a little left out because I didn't have a door to close, but then I slowly unfolded the letter. This was it. Either she still loves me, or she hates me. She's getting better, or she never will. I took a deep breath and started to read.

Dear Marco,

I'm sorry it took so long for me to write. A lot of things have been going through my head, and I had to straighten my thoughts out. First off, let me tell you that I still love you. I don't blame you for anything, and I'm glad you all brought me here. When I first found out that your mom was going to be my guardian, I freaked a little. I didn't really want her to know about everything. I was afraid she'd be disappointed in me. But I'm also glad. It will be fun to live at your house. Things will go back to normal, I hope.

I have two new friends here, Xavier and Rayne. They're twins. I also have two therapists, Rebecca, my group therapist, and then Ethan. He's really great and kinda cute. I think you'd like him.

I want you to know that I'm slowly getting better. Things will not be over right away, but I'm getting there, little by little. I can't live without you either Marco. And I want to be your Ell Bell again. I'm sorry if this letter is short, but I've got two more to write. And I have therapy soon. I can't wait until you visit me; just one more month.

Oh and school here is really boring!

Love,
Ellie

I had tears in my eyes, but the letter also made me laugh. I felt like she finally sounded like herself again. I immediately got some paper and a pen and started writing back to her. It's the only way to talk to her. But in one month, that all changes.

Jay

I admit it; I left the room because I didn't want to cry in front of the other guys. Not like I haven't done it before, I just didn't feel like it this time. And boy did that letter make me cry.

Dear Jay,

I love you so much! I had to make that my opening line. I want you to know that I am trying so hard to get better. I want everything to go back to the way it was. I really love you. Bear with me if I repeat that a lot in this letter.

I don't think you're a horrible person at all for taking me here. I think it's the best thing you guys have ever done for me. You all saved my life, and I'm forever grateful for it. I don't like being a frog very much. I want to be your princess again.

I will be stronger once I get out of here. I miss you so much right now. I can't wait until you can come and visit me. They'll actually let you come into my room…we all know what could happen there. Of course, they'll search you first, so don't bring any drugs with you! I'm just kidding; I know you wouldn't do that.

I think you'll be happy to know that I have some friends here; Rayne and Xavier. My therapists' names are Ethan and Rebecca. They are really nice. My nurse's name is Maria and she's almost like a friend more than a nurse. Despite the whole withdrawal thing, and having to go to school, I actually like it here. I've really been able to open up to everyone.

Once again, let me say that I love you so much. I'll be counting the days until I can see you again.

Love,
Ellie

I didn't know I was capable of crying that hard. But they were good tears this time. I'm so glad that she's getting better. Just reading that letter let me know that she's back to her normal self. Well, almost.

Sean

I really wanted some privacy to read my letter, so I went into my bedroom. After reading it, I cried a little, but not too much. Oh, if Ellie only knew that she could make three guys cry. She'd probably think it was funny.

Dear Sean,

I love you too Sean, in a friendly way. You are one of my best friends and I do value our friendship as much as you do. I do forgive you and Jay and Marco. I'm glad you brought me here. It is really helping me.

Marco and Jay will probably fill you in on my new friends and my therapists. School sucks for me as much as it does for you; trust me. I know now that I can live without drugs. You've helped me see that. Your letter really helped me too. I can't wait until you come visit me.

Sean, I want to thank you for our relationship that we had. I'm not sure if you're on good terms with Emma right now or not, but please ask her to visit too. I'd write her a letter too, but I actually don't know her address. I know that's a lame excuse, but it's the truth. I think I'm tired of writing letters anyway. I miss you. Visit the day I'm allowed to see you!

Love,
Ellie

After regaining my composure, I put the letter under my pillow and went out to the living room where I found Marco scribbling away. I'd write back later. I turned the television on and flipped through the channels. Jay joined us ten minutes later. We all sat there in silence, thankful that Ellie was getting better. And it was the best feeling in the world.

A/N: Sorry if the chapter jumps a little. It jumps two weeks from the point Ellie sits down to write the letters and the point where the boys get them. She didn't write them all in one day. The lyrics at the top are from the song "Alive And Well" by Rise Against. They own it.