Chapter Twenty-Nine: This Ruined Puzzle

Ellie

It's been a week since I sent the letters to the guys. I've been feeling better. I've even been doing well in school, and talking non-stop in therapy. I guess once I was able to just start talking about my problems, it was really easy to elaborate on them. And Ethan is like a really good friend to me. He's not like other therapists (of course, the only other therapist I've experienced is Rebecca). He doesn't pretend that everything's okay all the time.

He's laughed and cried with me while we share good and bad stories. He always gives me a hug if I'm really feeling down. The only thing I haven't talked about is Matthias. He doesn't know a thing about him. But I think I'm ready.

Matt's death is the only part of my life that has been really hard for me to talk about. It's easier to talk about Zane than Matthias, and I guess that's because I shared twelve years of my life with him. I never got to know Zane. But just thinking about that depresses me, so I'm going to stop for a moment. Right now I'm sitting in Ethan's office, waiting for him to show up. He's late.

"You're late," I said as soon as he walked in the door. I was sitting in my normal spot, on the floor by the window.

"I know; sorry. I got caught up in a group session. We stayed an extra few minutes," he explained, taking a seat across from me.

"I'll forgive you this time," I said. "But next time I won't be so easy on you," I joked.

"What could I ever do to make it up to you?" he asked. We both laughed and went on with normal business. "So I have a new question for you," he said.

"And that would be?"

"Well, you've told me all about your parents, your son, and your friends, but you haven't mentioned anything about siblings. Do you have any?" he asked. Uh oh. Okay, so ten seconds ago I thought I was ready to talk about Matt, but now I'm not so sure.

"I have a half-brother, Kieran. You know, that girl my dad cheated with. He's her son. And his son," I said.

"That's right. I remember you telling me about him awhile back. No full siblings then?" he asked.

"Well…" I couldn't finish the sentence.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to," Ethan said.

"I want to, it's just…I don't know how to start. And I think you'll hate me once you found out," I said.

"Why would I hate you?" he asked me.

"Because my brother died. And this time it was my fault."

"Don't say that. It wasn't your fault," Ethan told me.

"How can you be so sure? You weren't there," I said, holding back tears.

"Tell me what happened then," he said. He always had a way of getting things out of me that I didn't want him to know. I guess that's his job.

"When I was twelve, we stayed up really late one night. We heard something downstairs and Matthias decided to deal with it himself. He insisted that we didn't need to wake our parents up, that he could do it. Well, some stupid guy was stealing our TV and he shot him. I didn't do anything to stop him." I burst into tears after my confession, and almost expected Ethan to tell me to leave and never come back. Instead, he brought me into his arms and hugged me.

"What would you have done to stop him?" he whispered. "Jumped in front of him and died instead?" he asked me.

"Maybe, I don't know," I cried.

"Matthias wouldn't have wanted that. He wanted you to live Ellie. There was nothing else you could have done."

"I could have woken up my parents. I shouldn't have listened to Matt. It's my fault," I said, my tears soaking his shirt.

"Even if you had woken them up, something might have happened to one of them. And then you'd still be blaming yourself. You can't do that anymore. It's not good for you," he told me.

"I just wish I had my brother back. I miss him so much," I said, fresh tears coming.

"I know you do. But you have to try and remember all of the good times you had. Remember how happy he made you when he was alive. And remember how much he loved you," Ethan said.

"I'll try, I really will." And that was the last time we talked during that session. Ethan held me in his arms while I cried all of the tears that I could. He walked me back to my room an hour later.

That was possibly the most important therapy session I ever had while I stayed at the Freeman Institution. It helped me find closure in my brother's death. Ethan taught me that instead of blaming myself, I should try to think positively. And it really works. I really believe that it has made me a better person. It has made me feel truly happy for the first time in my life.

Emma

I feel really bad for not writing to Ellie at all. It's not that I don't want to write; it's just that I'm not sure what to write. What do you say to someone who is going through extensive therapy to get over an addiction? I sure hope it works? Yeah, right. I think I'm just going to surprise her when I go to visit.

I'm organizing a party for her. The exact day that she's allowed visitors is her birthday. I've already spoken with her nurse on the phone about it. Somehow they're going to get Ellie out of class and therapy for the day.

People have been talking about her at school lately. Everyone's wondering where she is. I told Manny that she went to a different school because I knew she'd tell everyone. She has quite a large mouth. But anyway, it shut people up for now.

I'm not sure what happened to her, but Paige never showed up for school here. Ellie would be happy if she were here. I've been hearing rumors that ever since she was caught having sex with Ellie's dad that she asked her mom if she could be put in private school. Her mom found out when Dylan accidentally let it slip at the dinner table. And when Mr. Nash was convicted of murder, Paige's mom instantly allowed her to change schools. They all moved away actually. Well, it's just a rumor, but it's very possible that it's the truth. I'm pretty sure Hazel's the one that told everyone.

There's also been a rumor that Paige got pregnant. I really hope that one's not true. But even if it is, she's gone now. I wouldn't dare tell Ellie that rumor. She'd probably freak out. Or hurt herself.

But anyway, I can't wait to see Ellie. She's one of my best friends. I've been hanging out with Sean, Marco, and Jay, but it's awkward between Sean and I. We usually avoid each other, even when the boys invite me over for movies. I always bring Spinner with me so it's not too bad. Here I am, going on an on about myself when I should really be thinking about Ellie. I hope she's getting better.

Ellie

After I gave myself some time to calm down, I decided to see what Rayne and Xavier were up to. As usual, they were sitting in Xave's room, doing absolutely nothing at all. As soon as I showed up, we started to fool around, making jokes and just talking. It was the only fun we could really have here. We did get some homework done too. Then Rayne had to go to her therapist. And now I wish I had left when she did.

"What do you wanna do?" I asked Xavier. I was sitting on the floor with my back leaning on his bed, and he was sitting right next to me.

"Well, we could go down to the family room and watch some dumb movie," he said.

"No thanks. I'd rather stare at the wall than watch another one of those," I said, laughing a little.

"Or we could do this." He leaned in and kissed me on the lips. And I let him. I just relaxed and kissed him back. Then he put his tongue in my mouth. And I realized what I was doing. I pushed him away from me.

"I have a boyfriend!" I yelled. I could feel tears building up behind my eyes. How could I do that to Jay? Emma already did it to him. I jumped up and threw the door open.

"Ellie, wait! I'm sorry!" Xavier yelled after me. I just ran and ran until I got to my room and slammed my door, locking myself inside. I fell to the floor in tears. Someone started knocking on my door.

"Go away!" I yelled. The knocking stopped immediately and I ran into my bathroom. I looked around for something, anything. I wished I had my compass. Rayne was right; there was nothing in here for me to hurt myself with.

Wait, why am I overreacting? If I just talk to Jay, he'll understand. There's no need to hurt myself over this. It's just that hurting myself has been my only defense mechanism. Boy do I need to find a new one. And I probably shouldn't be mad at Xavier either. I've been flirting with him a little and I never told him I had a boyfriend. The poor guy. He probably thinks I'm crazy now. Not knowing what else to do, I curled up under my blankets and fell asleep.

I've gone through so much in my life that I feel like I could die. But I don't want to. Of course I don't want to. I realized that I have so much to look forward to now. Ever since I was twelve years old, I felt like my life was falling apart. Some man took my brother away with a single bullet. And that bullet broke me down.

With that bullet came more heartache and pain. My heart broke into so many little pieces that I couldn't even count them. Each piece represents someone that I love. Matthias, my mom, my dad, Marco, Zane, Sean, and Jay are the most important ones. Some of the new pieces are Emma, Ethan, Rayne, Xavier, Riley, and Kieran. My heart is like a puzzle that was left out in the rain. The pieces don't fit together anymore.

Now I feel like I need to put my heart back together. It's the only way for me to move on with my life. The puzzle is drying out in the sun. Some pieces will be damaged forever, unable to fit back into the puzzle. But the rest will fit perfectly.

I'm going to make a new life. I have new friends, and so many people who love me. Maybe all someone needs is love to get them through their pain. Maybe it will fix me; maybe it won't. All I know is that I have to try. I have to put the puzzle back together. It's my only chance.

This ruined puzzle is beige with the pieces all face down
So the placing goes slowly
The picture's of anything other than it's meant to be
But the hours they creep, the patterns repeat
Don't be concerned
You know I'll be fine on my own
I never said, "Don't go."

A/N: Okay, I don't want to sound like I'm begging or anything, and it's probably a little too late to say this now, but if you read this fic, please review to each chapter individually. I want to get at least 100 reviews for it! Well, if you read any of my stories review for each chapter please. Thanks. There's only one more chapter left! The little part of a song is from "This Ruined Puzzle" by Dashboard Confessional. They own it.