Why Did Excel Cross the Road?
By: T.R. Fanatic
The Really Impressive Disclaimer! Yeah... So, I don't own Excel Saga, or any of the characters. Are we clear on that?
(waits for nodding)
Great! Enjoy!
AN: the narrator gets the writing in the pretty bold.
Our scene takes us to the corner of one of many nameless streets of F city's F prefecture. Where we now find our overly energetic heroine standing on the quiet corner, staring at the other side of the street. Standing... and waiting. Waiting and standing... and thinking (my God, we'll be here forever).
Five minutes passed by, and... well... She's still there, folks...
"Get to the freakin' story already! Sheesh!" yells a random person off in the distance.
Right, right... Ahem! Excel, what are you doing?
"Gaah!" screamed the hyper girl. "I'M HEARING THOSE STRANGE VOICES AGAIN! DO YOU DARE TO CHALLENGE A LOYAL FOLLOWER OF THE GREAT LORD ILPALAZZO?"
Excel, please... I'm only the narrator: you can't see me (that's the whole point of being narrator: stealthy-ness). And I'm not here for a challenge. I just asked what were you doing standing and thinking?
Excel gave a blank look. "That's what I'd like to know..." She snapped her fingers. "Wait, I remember! CUE FLASHBACK!"
The Flashback!
We are now taken to ACROSS' s Super Secret Headquarters where... shhh, it's a secret!
"HAIL ILPALAZZO!" Cheered Excel.
"Ah, Excel." a melancholy Ilpalazzo replied. "Another day with you around is like drinking ten pots of coffee, then drinking a four pack of Red Bull. However, I do not wish to drink both because of their extreme bitterness! But..."
"DO NOT WORRY, LORD ILPALAZZO!" interrupted Excel. "THEY WILL BOTH BE OBLITERATED WHEN THE CITY IS CONQUERED BY YOU, SIR! TODAY, THE CITY! TOMORROW, THE COUNTRY! NEXT WEEK, THE WORLD! AND BY THE END OF THE YEAR... THE WHOLE FREAKIN' UNIVERSE! OH, YEAH! I CAN'T WAIT!"
A sweatdrop rolled down the back of Ilpalazzo's head. "But, that has nothing to do with today's mission!"
"EXCEL IS READY FOR ANYTHING!"
"Good. Now, in order to conquer the city, we must gather up allies from other cities and then take this city in a quick and decisive blow! (Then, we'd go and back-stab our allies and take their city for our own.)" He then added a slight laugh at the end of his sentence.
"GO! ILPALAZZO!" Cheered the oblivious Excel, armed with pom-poms.
"But, to go and retrieve possible allies," the ACROSS leader added. "we need a messenger. He stands up and points to Excel in a dramatic manner ."You will be that messenger!"
"YEAAAH! A MESSENGER TO LORD ILPALAZZO! YES! EXCEL MUST OBEY! WHEN IT COMES TO TOTAL CONQUEST, EXCEL WILL..." A dramatic scene apperars of WWII-like war-zone and Excel in military garb... "STAND AT THE FRONT LINES," ...another dramatic scene appears of wounded Excel jumping in front of Ilpalazzo as a gunshot sounds off... "TAKE EVERY HIT, AND, YES," ...yet another dramatic scene appears of a dying Excel in Ilpalazzo's arms. "EVEN DIE FOR YOU!"
"...You do that..." Ilpalazzo muttered as he pulled the rope that dropped Excel into the pit.
END FLASHBACK!
Ok, that explained nothing...
"It explains a lot!" Excel fired back. "I, Excel Excel, must go to the next town over and force the citizens to become allies with the Secret Ideological Organization of ACROSS, or..."
Or, what?
Excel turned to the reader or readers of this fanfic with evil-crazy glare. "Obliterate them, of course!"
(sweatdrop) 'Kay... so where is the next town?
"It's across the street over there." Excel said, pointing to the sign that read: 'Now leaving F City... Y'all come back now, y'hear!' "You see? You see?"
And you've been standing here for the past hour... why?
The hyper girl sat by the curb and scratched her head. "I must think this through, as soon as I step out onto the street, I'll be hunted down by the fiercest people around!"
Who? Gangsters?
"No." replied Excel.
Assassins?
"Nope."
Police?
"Not even close."
An angry mob?
Excel shook her head.
Lawyers?
"Now you're waaay off!"
Then, who?
"THE RABID TELEMARKETERS FROM HELL!"
(sweatdrop, confused) Is that some sort of new heavy metal band?
Excel ignored the narrator's question. "They will grab you out of nowhere, and talk to you for an eternity! ...Or, when your ears bleed so much, your head explodes. Whichever comes first..."
The narrator looked around the empty street as a tumbleweed rolled by (wait a minute, who's talking here?). I don't see any telemarketers. It should be safe to cross.
"That's where you're wrong, Mr. Narrator, sir." Excel ran off and grabbed an object. "To prove my right-ness, I shall demonstrate by throwing this Puchu out into the middle of the street."
"Puchuu!" said the adorable alien. (It really said: Sweet, a cameo!)
Excel, um, gently (by gently, we mean 'a line drive into home' gently) tossed Puchu into the street.
At that very moment, a car, driven by Nabeshin, flies by and hit the Puchu before it hits the ground.
"Now I blast off!" said the ugly-looking Puchu as it flew into the sky.
"Oh, well." sighed Excel. "So much for that experiment..." She went into a thinker's pose. "Now, how am I going to cross the street without distracting the monsters..."
It was then that Menchi appeared, singing happily as she walked down the other side of the street. "Arf bark, bark-bark bark bark, bark-bark bark bark!" she sang. (I think she saying: I'm free! I'm free! No more Excel for me!)
Excel gasped. Herher stomach could not believe her eyes. "Menchi?" she asked.
The poor mutt freaked the sight of Excel. "Arrrr!" she screamed. (Translation: Noo!)
"Do not worry you dear sweet, edible emergency ration." She leapt out to the street. "Excel shall save yo-! GAAAH!"
As mentioned, a rabid telemarketer appeared and pulled Excel down an open sewer in the middle of the street.
"I'M FAAAAAALLLLLLLIIIIIINNNNN..." screamed Excel.
Menchi breathed a sigh of relief. "Bark bark bark!" the mutt cheered to the sky. (Translation: Thank you, God!)
Well, what do you know! There were Rabid Telemarketers there after all!
Our next scene takes us into... space? Oh, wait. It's just the Great Will of the Macrocosm!
"Do not worry, Excel fans." Will said to the fanfic readers. "With my restorative powers, I shall start the fanfic over again..."
A strange noise was made that can best be described as money falling out of a change machine...
Our scene takes us to the corner of one of many nameless streets of F city's F prefecture. Where we now find our overly energetic heroine standing on the quiet corner, staring at the other side of the stree... AWWW SHI-...
Fanfiction (random number): Why Did Excel Cross the Road?
Today's Experiment... FAILED.
"Hey, when is Pedro going to get a cameo, huh?" the voice of a ghost asked.
Possibly never.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Hey, don't blame me! I'd tried to get Hyatt to co-star but, (looks at "dead" Hyatt) she's currently unavailable...
T.R.: And the reason that I wrote this fic... I watched too much caffeine, drank too much Excel Saga... and I got a laughing fit that drove me into writing this. Yeah, I'm not naturally weird... REALLY!
And, about that 'script format' thing... yaaaaah... (goes off with old version of fic and plays skeet with it) PULL!