Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody: Chapter 2: Bellatrix and Her Nicknames From Hell

"Sissy-poo! We shouldn't do this! No one's supposed to know about the plan!"

Narcissa turned on her heels and faced Bellatrix angrily. "Shut yo mouth, woman! This is about Draco, not you and your inability to trust Severus!" Narcissa was on her last nerve with Bellatrix, who seemed to be giving her awful nicknames right and left . Left and right. Up and down. Diagonal and…other diagonal...Way to butcher my name, Bella-boo. She thought with irritation.

Snape was having a perfectly lovely day picking his nose, watching memories from his teen years of him getting picked on by Sirius and James, and picking out his favorite outfits for the school year, when bloody Bellatrix showed up with not-so-narcoleptic Narcissa Malfoy.

"Oh hello, Bellatrix," Snape said Snapily, hoping that Bellatrix wouldn't pick up on the fact that he'd been lusting after her since she'd killed Sirius.

"Snape." She greeted, "Jerked off while looking at any potions articles lately?"

"Shut yo mouth, woman." He snapped at Bellatrix, then turned to Narcissa. "Hello, Narcissa." He said, feeling completely turned on for no reason. Snape had a strange problem where he seemed to get turned on whenever a Malfoy walked by. Damn sexy Malfoys. "What is it you need?"

"Oh, Severus! There's a plan that not many Death Eaters know, and I won't pretend that I think you know until you tell me you know, but I need your help! I'm not supposed to tell you because it could result in the death I'm trying to avoid by telling you!"

"I see." Snape replied.

"I don't trust him, Sissy!" Bellatrix shrilled. "Don't do this!" She turned to Snape. "YOU! I have a few questions for you. Why didn't you bring me the cheese, the Velveeta cheese! The cheese that would have brought the Dark Lord back to power YEARS ago?"

"That's only one question," Snape said after realizing she wasn't going to ask anymore questions.

"That's the only questions that I need many answer to now, Snape."

Narcissa just nodded. She was sick of making excuses for Bella. The only person who seemed to believe that Narcissa was constantly drugging Bellatrix, thus causing her to behave ands speak as she normally did, was Lucious and that was because she generally drugged him too.

She burst into tears that had been repressed ever since Lucious had started raping their son Draco.

DRACO!

Snape desperately wanted to help Narcissa, damn sexy Malfoys, but he knew he would first have to deal with Bellatrix, who wasn't sexy, but who had killed Sirius, which was basically the same thing.

"Bellatrix, don't you think the Dark Lord has asked me every single one of that question? He is no fool. There is a logical explanation. The cheese is being guarded by Dumbledore himself. To take it would mean giving up my true loyalties. The Dark Lord understands this. He knows the cheese is in good hands."

"Alright then. For reasons unknown to me, I will let this slide."

"Now then, Narcissa, what seems to be the problem?" Snape said, not fully turning his attention to Narcissa because if he did he'd be sure to explode with sexual arousal. Greasy, snapey, sexual arousal.

"Well," She sniffed, "You know what Draco's assignment is, don't you?"

"No."

"Oh, well, I'll tell you even though it's against the Dark Lords wishes."

"Well, you're in luck because I do happen to know the plan. I just wanted to test you to see if you were really loyal to our master. You aren't, but who cares. Let us continue."

She nodded, slightly confused, but willing to play along. She knew she could use her sexy-Malfoy-ness to her advantage. "Severus, please, if Draco should need help, I want you to step in."

"Let us make the unbreakable curse-bond-thingy."

"Yes, let's."

Bellatrix gasped...and pointed to the stove. "The tea's ready!"

"Yes. It is."

Snape served the tea and then they proceeded to make the unbreakable curse-bond-thingy.

"If Draco should need your help, you will step in and help him, but only if it's beyond a shadow of someone else's doubt. And only if it is necessary to do a thing with another thing will you do the thing."

"Yes."

Bellatrix spluttered. "But...but...it's so specific! Why are you agreeing to this?"

"Because my dear, lovely, smexy, Bellatrix, I am on your side."

Bellatrix gasped...and pointed to Peter Pettagrew. "You've grown!"

"Yes. It has." Snape agreed and went to water Peter.

XxXx

"Shopping! Shopping! Ladee-doddy-doddy-DA! Shopping! Shopping! All the way back HOME!" Harry sang while Ginny shot dark looks at the trio, which she had hatefully nicknamed 'the three pusskateers' because that was the best name she could come up with in her three second time limit.

She stood two feet behind them the whole time, waiting for Draco Malfoy to come out and fall in love with her for no reason.

The only one she had to worry about was Hermione...or was it?

Harry's sex appeal was certainly kicking in these days, and everyone knew about Draco and Harry's sexual tension. Everyone but them and everyone close to them.

"Hey, do you three want to go check out Fred and George's store?" Mr. Weasley apparated by them.

"BLARG!" Ron shrieked. "Dad! Stop doing that already. Ever since you got promoted..." Ron sighed.

"Three?" Ginny said, outraged. "Parental unit, I'm right here!" Ever since Ginny had started to hate Mr and Mrs. Weasley, she had taken to calling them parental unit. Sadly, they didn't seem to care.

"Oh. Hello...Gane." Mr. Weasley smiled. "Didn't care to bother to notice you standing right there in front of me where I could obviously see you easily."

"Yeah, well, bollocks to you."

"This is why we hate you."
"I know."
"OK, so let's go see Fred and George!" Mr. Weasley said cheerfully, and they walked into the store that they'd been standing next to for the past half hour.

"Fred!" Ron cried, hoping that Fred would look up first, so he could tell which twin was who.

Luckily it didn't matter since they were wearing name tags.

"Hey, there guys!" George said cheerfully. "George and I were just setting up this new display of luurrve potions."

10 nearby girls began giggling and grinning flirtatiously at Harry.

"Erm…George? You're George." Mr. Weasley said to George who seemed to think he was Fred.

George and Fred looked at each other, "Are you--?

"Does that mean?"

They inspected the nametags.

"Ahhh, so we are." They both smiled happily.

"Right."

While Fred and George were finding out who they really were, Ginny lent on the counter, glaring at the 'three pusskateers' while they looked at some Pimple Poppers—which caused an old lady to come out of the bathroom mirror and pop the user's pimples—when she came along.

She was the most beautiful girl anyone had ever seen. She was the most beautiful, smartest, athletic, fantastic quidditch player, skilled potions master, amazing animagus that could turn into 80 different forms even though that's impossible, sincere charmer, fierce defense against the dark artist, sweetest most kind hearted girl in the world. And she had big boobs to boot. She had long legs that seemed to go on and on and on and on and on like Hermione's explanations on things and the sentences describing this girl's amazingness.

She walked towards the 'three pusskateers', swinging her hips like a pendulum, licking her lips like they were chapped, and batting her eyelashes like she had a fungus of the eyes.

All this and she wasn't even part Veela…or was she?
"BLARG!" Ron shrieked and almost went to hump her leg, only he didn't because as of now she wasn't Veela, so he could act normal around her. Sort of.

"Ron!" Hermione cried, getting jealous of this girl that wasn't Fleur. This girl who wasn't engaged. Despite Ron's utter and complete idiocy, he was her ideal man.

"Oh Ron, can't you see--"

"One word Hermione. Viktor Krum." Ron said, pointing a finger at her. "You hear me, Victor Krum? OK the word count ends after this word…NOW!"

"Hello, Harry Potter." The girl said, looking Harry straight in the eye instead of straight in the scar. Harry knew from that moment on that she was different then everyone. She would love him for his mother's eyes; not Voldemort's scar.

"Hey…you." Harry said cleverly.

"My name's Narphellia Spaghetti-Craft-Macaroni-And-Cheese, but you wouldn't know that unless Snape was really my father, and Voldemort my grandpapa, and you're your mother, Lily, my real mother."

"Oh. Plot twist?"

"Yes. Very much so."

"Right then."

"But you can call me NarPh, with a capital P."

"Lovely." Harry smiled. NarPh was quite enchanting really.

"I'm going to Hogwarts this year," She explained, using her magical powers to read their minds and see that they were wondering what she was doing there. "I'm going into my 6th year even though I only got my letter yesterday. My owl apparently had a midlife crisis, and I live in the middle of the ocean in a little hut with my adoptive mother who's blind, deaf, plays the tuba all day, and is slightly retarded, so she doesn't have much control over my life. That means we can do the mumbo number five whenever we want, Harry."

Harry finally saw that this girl only wanted him for his body, not his eyes. This wouldn't do.

"Sorry, I'm taken."

"But what about my huge breasts and long legs and perfect everything?" She cried.

"Erm, I'll have to pass, but would you like to be best friends with us?"

"Sure!" She said happily.

"Mate, are you bloody insane? She's gorgeous! Are you a fairy or something?" Ron muttered to Harry when Hermione and NarPh had gotten out of earshot by taking two steps to the right.

"'M not gay," Harry mumbled, and then decided that if he were to prove that he'd have to start… "dreaming" about Ginny.

"Maaate!" Ron hissed, "We can double!"

"With who? Me and NarPh and you and Hermione?"

"Uh, well, NO! Viktor Krum, Harry!"

Harry sighed.

NarPh had quickly become their best-friend-ever by the end of the minute.

"I hate her." Harry said after she'd left with a quick 'toodeloo!'

"Me too!" Ron cried.

"And here I thought I was the only one." Hermione sighed.

They all let out sounds of relief; a sigh, a laugh, a fart.

"RON!"

"Sorry, I know I should have done the whole pull my finger thing, but it took me by surprise."

Hermione just thought that Ron was being a sexy guy again.

"We better go buy some robes now." Harry said, glancing down distastefully at Ron's attire.

"Yeah, Mum say's my ankles have been showing too much lately. She says they're rather thick and that it's unflattering." Ron said sadly.

They danced their way down the street and into the robe store.

"Oh, Potter and friends, it's you." Draco sneered in a sexy Malfoy sort of way.

"Draco, that's not a very nice way to greet the three most disgusting people on earth, now is it?" Narcissa Malfoy sneered in an equally sexy way.

Damn sexy Malfoys.

"MALFOY!" Harry shouted excitedly, and then, when everyone in the world stopped to stare at him, he shouted more angrily and less fanboyishly, "Malfoy! How dare you buy robes in the same place we want to buy robes!"

"Know what, Potter?"

"What?"

"Na-na-na-boo-boo!"

"Oh no he didn't!" Hermione blinked.

"Oh be quiet you stinky-poop-face," Draco stuck his tongue out at Hermione, who started to blink rapidly.

"I—Malfoy! You…you called me a stinky-poop-face. Not a mudblood, a stinky-poop-face! Thank you." She began sobbing.

"So Malfoy, how's your father doing rotting in jail? He like the food in there? The dementors giving him a hard on in there?"

"No, but your mama is."

"My mama's dead! And so is Sirius!"

"Yeah, I bet the dementors gave him a hard on." Draco snorted.

"Damn you to hell, Malfoy! You'll pay for this. If not this year, then next year. You and your pathetic Death Eating family. EAT THIS!" Harry said and threw a piece of old chewing gum at Draco, missing by about…a whole direction.

"Next year, Potter? There may not be a next year for me. More important things to do if you know what I mean," He sneered, "Trouble's a' brewing this year, Potter. I'll have random sexual moments with you yet."

He and Narcissa stormed out in a stormy way.

"Damn it." Harry said, "I'm sick of Malfoy being so…so…"

"Sexy?" Ron and Hermione said at the same time.

"Yeah, that's it." Harry frowned, and they bought some stylin' new robes.

"What's wrong, Harry?" Hermione asked while they were going to meet up with Mr and Mrs. Weasley again.

"It's just…Boy, I hope we never see NarPh again."

Hermione shuddered.

TBC!